AN: While looking through some old Naruto fanfiction I had written over the years, trying to see if anything looked worth publishing, I came across this partially written little tidbit. It looked like fun, so I set about fixing it up, editing, and rewriting it to suit my tastes now...and this was the result. I was going to wait to publish it, but then I thought 'What the heck?' So here it is. Apologies for any spelling or grammar mistakes, for it seems no matter how vigilant I am, a few always slip through the cracks.
I also want to note that this takes place as if the characters know that they are anime and manga characters...not really AU, per say, as far as the storyline goes, but at the same time maybe a little. I'm not quite sure how to describe it...you'll have to read and see. :) Also, if you haven't been keeping up with the most recent Naruto manga, this will probably contain some spoilers of some sort.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, evidenced by the fact several characters that never should have died did. However, I DO own the two ridiculous OC's in this fic...who shall be named below.
Summary: Ever wonder what happens to your favorite villains, once they've been killed off or written out of their series? Well, the Akatsuki are about to find out...in a support group?! That's right, the Akatsuki join a special support group for villains, run by two very troublesome therapists, hell-bent on 'helping' them through these trying times. 'Help' may or may not include a 10-step program for 'reforming' them. May contain random cameos from other anime villains!
"This is so stupid." Deidara growled.
Next to him, Sasori rolled his eyes.
They, along with the rest of the Akatsuki (Well, Deidara, Sasori, Hidan, Kakuzu, Itachi, Kisame, Konan, and Pain, anyway), were seated in a few cheap plastic chairs, all arranged in a circle so that they were forced to look at one another. Though at the moment, they were all staring at the smiling, sheepish man at the 'head' of the circle.
He had tiny little spectacles on, though he had yet to open his eyes the whole ten minutes he'd been there, and was starting to sweat-drop from the evil, scrutinizing glares the Akatsuki were giving him.
"W-well, I was trying to wait until my assistant got here, but she seems to be running a little late, so I suppose we can start without her..." the man said, laughing nervously. "I'm Dr. Mendo, and I'm sure you're all aware why you're here, but I think it's best if we all introduce ourselves, and-"
A door slammed, and everyone turned to see a woman with brown hair in a bun standing by it. "Sorry I'm late. I had to take care of the Arancar report." she said in a dull monotone, adjusting her glasses, which were huge and over-sized, like they were making up for Dr. Mendo's tiny ones. "I didn't think any of them would show up on time anyway. I'm assuming I didn't miss anything." She said her question like it was a statement, then walked up behind Dr. Mendo, and just stood there.
"No, no, I was just starting!" said Mendo, looking relieved. "Alright, everyone, this is my assistant, Miss Kusai. Now that she's here, we can get down to business, so-"
"Your names are actually Mendo and Kusai?" asked Hidan incredulously.
"Um, yes. Why?" said Mendo, looking a little puzzled. The rest of the Akatsuki all stared at him a minute in disbelief.
"That's a confidence booster." muttered Sasori, leaning back in his chair.
"Uh, yes, anyway, as I was saying," Mendo said, still seeming a little puzzled. "Now, I know you all know why you're here, but I always find it better for the group as a whole if we voice our objectives and goals up front, so...Who can tell me why we're here?" he said, beaming at the group.
They all continued to stare at him, all with looks that clearly said 'You must be joking'. He made a little 'go on' motion with his hand and continued to beam at them, until Kakuzu said "Because Leader made us."
There were several nods from a few of the others. Mendo looked a little disappointed, then looked at Pain (who was in his real body), like he expected him to answer him now.
When he didn't, Itachi slowly raised his hand. "Yes, Itachi?" said Mendo, looking delighted.
Itachi sighed, and looked for minute like he wasn't going to answer, but eventually said "Because we're out of a job, and the others were starting to threaten to really kill us if we didn't come here and get out of their hair."
Mendo sweat-dropped. "That's...not precisely the answer I was looking for, though from your standpoint, I suppose that's an accurate statement."
"Accurate? Please. I'm just here because Leader said we had to be, and I have nothing better to do, yeah." sniffed Deidara.
Mendo looked intently at him (or as intently as he could without opening his eyes). "But Deidara, weren't you just saying how stupid this all was a few minutes ago?" he asked.
"It is stupid! I just don't have anything better to do!" Deidara snapped back angrily.
"More like nothing to do at all." sneered Hidan.
"Last I checked, you were stuck here too, hmmm?" Deidara retorted.
Hidan started to stand up, likely to punch Deidara while simultaneously showering him with colorful insults, but Kusai interrupted him.
"You're all here because you're all jobless has-beens with nothing better to do." she said in her curt monotone.
"Miss Kusai!" Dr. Mendo protested as the Akatsuki all gave her shocked looks.
She shook her head. "They're clearly still in denial. They're going to have to face the music eventually. That's what they're here for." she said calmly. "This is a support group for villains that are no longer relevant to their series; who have been written out or killed off; who no longer play an important role, and are therefore now completely useless to their series."
They all flinched at the slight emphasis she put on those words, but she carried on.
"In short, you're all here because Kishimoto decided to kill you off, and you're driving the remaining characters crazy, so they sent you to us. Attendance mandatory."
"It's not fair!" protested Deidara. "I was one of the favorite Akatsuki members, how come someone like Kisame gets to last for so much longer than me, hmmm?!"
"At least you weren't one of the first ones out." snapped Sasori. "I was killed by my Grandma, for God's sake!."
"I had no back story..." grumbled Kakuzu quietly.
"What's not fair is having to give up your prized sword to that rapping imbecile, that's what's not fair." complained Kisame.
"I was supposed to be immortal!" fumed Hidan loudly.
"I still get mentioned a lot, and people love me." said Itachi, sounding oddly content.
Konan and Pain both remained silent, though Konan's lower lip quivered slightly.
The rest continued their tirade, shouting at the world, Kishimoto, and each other in frustration until Mendo blew into a whistle that was fastened around his neck.
"This is good!" he called, as they all quieted down and took their seats again. "This is very good indeed, this means you're all getting all your frustrations out and into the air. The first step to success is acknowledgement. Now, I know you're all very upset right now but..."
He smiled at them. They didn't return the favor. He carried on anyway.
"But, I think this is the start of a new chapter of your lives! Think of all the places you'll go now! And with our help, and our special program, I think-"
"Special program?" Pain spoke for the first time. "What 'special program'? I wasn't informed of this..."
Mendo beamed. "Why, Dr. Mendo's 10-step Program for Reforming Villains! It's worked wonders on villains of all kinds, from all sorts of different series! Complete all 10 steps, and you'll be fit for modern society in no time!"
"...10-step...program..." Konan said slowly.
"For 'reforming' villains?" Sasori finished, in what sounded very close to horror.
"Yes! And you've all been signed up!" said Mendo cheerfully.
"Whether you want to be or not. Attendance mandatory." Kusai repeated, deadpan.
It was definitely horror on the each of the Akatsuki's faces now.
AN: If you don't know what Mendo and Kusai's names mean...well, when said together, they tend to make up one of Shikamaru's favorite phrases. ;)
I'm doing this purely for fun, so updates will probably be completely random and on a whim...though if I see I'm getting a lot of reviews, that always tends to guilt me into updating faster. Reviews are always appreciated! ^_^