Author's Note: I'm back. I'm back in black... well, okay, I'm dressed in navy blue, but you get the idea. As a recovery from finally finishing my baby Gods and Monsters, I have returned to my little "inside-of-the-mind-of-Bella" one-shots. This one-shot could be a bit of a companion to Seen, Touched, Heard, Bothered. And what's funny is, STHB could be a companion to Gods and Monsters. Everything is a companion to a companion to a companion with me... haha. Anyway, here is Palm Trees in Black and White. I personally like the title a lot. Enjoy.
Palm Trees in Black and White
palm trees in black and white / you are a junkie on your window, smiling wide
palm trees in black and white / lean forward and you close your eyes
Lana Del Rey, "Jump"
I am still a joke.
I am a joke in the sickest, most wrong way possible.
In fact, maybe it's not just me. Maybe it's just everything. Everything is wrong, but nothing has ever felt so, so right. This is the wrong day, the wrong time, and about to be done for the wrong reasons.
At the same time, though, this is absolutely perfect. I can taste the sweet tang of victory on my tongue already, and I haven't even done anything yet. Imagine how different this would be, Jake, if you were here with me.
Maybe this really isn't wrong after all. It's a rainy day. It's like I've been saving this for a rainy day. I nearly laugh at the irony. I wonder if you would. It's also only about seven in the morning. It's dark and cold and scary as hell, but it also couldn't be better. This would terrify me—have me on my knees, praying for it to end in the midst of all my screams and tears—on any other day. I've seen this sight in one of my nightmares before, just before waking up and shrieking my ass off. This is déjà vu at its finest. I've seen this exact angle of the ocean, big and dark, once before. Only this time, I'm not scared. I can't be scared.
Do I really want to jump?
What a silly question. Of course I do.
I don't take a second to think of how you would feel. Sorry. I really shouldn't think about you now, but here I am. This isn't even about you. I've been on little dates with you before; now is Edward's time. Even as you heal me in a way that I can't even describe, I need Edward. I need him like a drug. Only this is different. Edward is more addictive and destructive than any perfect mixture of cocaine and heroin. I can't just snort a line and be done with Edward. Edward can coil all around me, stab me straight into the heart, and make me feel the best high ever, just before hurling me back down to the earth, trying to pick up the pieces and recover what happened.
Everything is in black and white now. Who the hell needs colors, anyway? They're just colors. Who cares about colors? Who cares about anything? Not me.
I know I'm messed up. I wouldn't be here on this cliff if I wasn't. I wouldn't even be in the pathetic, dream-like state of misery if I wasn't weird. If I wasn't weird, I would most definitely not be aching for the hallucinations of a vampire ex-boyfriend, or failing to seek safety in a werewolf best friend. Oh yeah, I'm weird. I'm crazy. I'm still a joke. I'm just a joke that loves to be love people but hates to be loved at the same time. I know. I'm indecisive. All I have to do is what I love, though. I just have to do what I can. I can definitely do this.
This really sucks, but you know what? It's better than being surrounded by gross, happy couples. Then again, if you can't beat them, join them. Edward wants me to be happy. Edward also thinks that being human is being happy. My happiness is his happiness. If I jump right now, I'll be human, we'll both be happy, and we'll be a happy couple. Easy as that.
I slip out of my jacket (oh yeah, because I'm totally gonna get that back later) and step closer to the cliff. I want to just close my eyes and lean forward, but—
There are rocks. There are big, pointy rocks that would slice me in pieces before I even hit the water.
Jeez! I can't do a thing as simple as jumping off a cliff right. I can't do anything right. If I could, I wouldn't be in this situation, now, would I? Now I kind of wish you were here. I know exactly what you'd do. You would grab my hand and we would count down from three and we would jump off the cliff screaming but also never feeling more alive. Well, at least I would. In the water, you would hold me tight and never, ever, ever let me go, and I wouldn't want to be let go in the first place.
I need to be human, though. I'm not going to meet my mediocre ever after just yet (or ever), but I'm being human. Seriously. Fuck vampirism. That lifestyle option left me as soon as Edward did. That life—that perfect life that was even sweeter than Old Hollywood or anything—was nothing but a whisper now. A whisper of what could have been. Vampirism used to be my paradise. I used to daydream about being strong and beautiful. Who needs that, though? Who really needs to sparkle and run really fast and be so beautiful that it's a sore to the eyes? …Okay, that was a stupid question. I know exactly who needs that, and she's about to jump off a cliff right now, but a little blurb of thoughts keeps stringing through her head, making the jump postpone more and more. Do you know who really deserves that lifestyle, though? Not me. I deserve to be human. Being human kinda sucks, but then again, I kinda suck. It works.
I'm being silly. I should not be narrating the hard-knocked life of a whiny, American, teenage girl. I love you, Jake, and I have yet to put on my big girl panties to tell you, but… this is it. I'm still a joke, but this isn't. This is dating the ghost of my past, and meeting my destiny. It's a vampire-meets-human-girl-and-they-randomly-fall-in-love-and-a-load-of-drama-happens thing. You wouldn't understand.
The imaginary palm trees of the heaven I'm about to meet are wide and welcoming. I can't hold this back anymore. I lean my head back, close my eyes, and feel the big, heavy raindrops fall on my face. I smile a big, cheesy, stupid grin, and by then I am positive that I have found cloud nine. Nothing can make me change my mind about this. Not even you. What am I supposed to do, now that I've openly decided not to give a care in the world about you, and simply fulfill my own needs? What am I supposed to do now that I've decisively come to the conclusion that I am a terrible person?
I spread my wings and fly.