Chapter 24
August 1975
It was the anniversary of the day on Brokeback when the snow had come, and the two cowboys were lying on their backs in the grass near camp, staring up at the sky together. The weather couldn't be more different from that day, and they were glad for it.
Ennis looked over at Jack, especially at his cheek. To this day, he regretted hitting that face and causing Jack pain. He'd never truly wanted to hurt Jack in any way; he just couldn't control the mixing emotions inside him that day. Most of all, he had been angry and upset at the thought of having to leave this man. He knew that Jack had forgiven him for it a long time ago, but still.
Jack sensed Ennis watching him and looked over, puzzled by how Ennis was staring at him. "What?" Ennis didn't speak, but he raised his hand and gently stroked Jack's cheek; the area that he'd hit so long ago. Jack immediately understood and he sighed. "Hey...it's okay. Was a long time ago..."
"I know, I just...regret that every time I think on it," Ennis replied, heart feeling heavy in his chest. "Still can't believe I did it..."
Jack sighed and rolled to face him, propping himself up on his elbow. "Ennis...don't think on it. Ain't no big deal now. Please...don't let our trip be like this..." He shuffled closer and put a hand on his lover's chest, feeling his heart beating. "Just...let's focus on somethin' else. Like...I dunno...a little...?" He smiled and leaned closer, brushing their lips together. Ennis got the message and kissed him fully, needing this close contact. Even if they didn't have sex, he still loved making out with Jack.
The sun shone down on them as they kissed lazily in the grass, just enjoying the taste and feel of each other. They didn't need anything else right now.
After a while, Jack pulled his lips away and gazed down into Ennis's eyes. "I know you feel real bad about that day...but we just gotta try an' let it lie. I know why you hit me, an' it's okay. I still came lookin' for you in '67, right? An' I keep on comin' back every few months to see you. Don't that tell you nothin'?"
Ennis nodded, feeling a lump in his throat. It was true; no matter how badly he'd treated Jack in the past, he'd always come back. Jack had come back because...?
Is it 'cos he...loves me? Ennis asked himself, and he swallowed. They had silently agreed to never say that word to each other, and the only time he'd ever said it was when Jack had been asleep. He wanted to say it properly to Jack, but even if he had the guts there was one thing holding him back. If they said it, then everything would change. He knew he wouldn't be able to say goodbye to Jack ever again if they let out their feelings. That would be a disaster; it was too much to hope that nobody would care about them being together.
Jack could tell that Ennis was doing some of his deep thinking, and he sighed inwardly. They might never be able to talk about love, and it was the one thing that he wanted to talk to Ennis about more than anything else. He knew that they were in love, but that was it. A few months here and there on the sly, lying to people who cared about them simply because they couldn't keep away from each other. He hated having to do this, and he couldn't see a way out just yet.
"Hey...quit yer thinkin' down there," he said softly, nuzzling Ennis's cheek with his nose. "I know yer thinkin' on somethin' an' it worries you...cut it out, okay?"
"Sorry," Ennis replied, taking Jack's hand. "Just...got a lot on my mind. Never did like this day after Brokeback. Knew I was...gonna miss you somethin' awful. An' I'm sure as hell sorry about what happened...I took it out on you an' I shouldn't..."
"Shh," Jack told him, covering Ennis's mouth with his hand. "Don't matter now. Just...shut up an' kiss me." He leaned down again and Ennis willingly took his lips. He needed to try and forget everything else right now, and just focus on the man lying with him, kissing him. That was all that mattered right now.
After they'd been kissing for several long moments, Jack rolled himself on top of Ennis and the kissing became heavier. They were growing hard and could feel the familiar desire for one another; the one that could never truly be sated. Jack broke away and straddled Ennis's hips, removing his shirt and throwing it aside. He helped Ennis take off his and kissed him again, hands roaming everywhere. "God, I want you," he breathed. "Can I...?" It wasn't often that he topped Ennis, but he needed it right now. Truth be told, Ennis felt like he needed to have Jack inside him right now.
"Uh huh..." Jack kissed his neck and the rest of the clothes came flying off; no more words were needed. When the feeling took over, they didn't need to talk. They just knew how they felt.
They made love slowly and sensuously out on the grass, making each other feel loved and cared for. These were the moments that they always remembered when they were apart; the ones that got them through cold, lonely nights when they were a thousand miles apart. In their dreams, they could be together in the way they wanted. Nobody could hurt them there and nobody would ever know but them. It was a perfect dream that neither of them were certain would ever come true, but there was nothing they could do about that now.
Afterwards, Jack spooned Ennis as they cooled down, letting the sun shine down on their skin and just dozing lightly. Here, everything was just as it should be and their hearts were one.