Chapter 30
October 1977
Jack's thirty-fourth birthday would be in just a few days, so he and Ennis were taking their fall trip early so they could celebrate. He had to admit that things were getting better for them; they hadn't argued at all on the last couple of trips and they were relatively happy with what they had.
Despite what had been happening over the last eighteen months, Jack still loved Ennis as much as he ever did. But he was starting to become less convinced that they would end up living together one day. He would always hope that it would happen and he would never give up on Ennis, but he wasn't entirely certain anymore that Ennis could overcome his fears.
He missed Ennis terribly when they were apart, and had more than once contemplated having something on the side down in Texas; just someone to take his mind off things. But every time he thought about it, he would remember Mexico and how horrible he'd felt about doing that. It still felt like he'd cheated on Ennis and that feeling would only get worse if he followed through on what he was considering. If Ennis ever found out, that would be the end for them.
"What're you thinkin' on over there?" Ennis asked as they ate their lunch. Jack had brought some soup tins with him and they were enjoying the hot food in this weather. Ennis was convinced that it would start snowing soon; he hoped it would be before they left because he loved playing with Jack in the snow. It reminded him of their youth when things between them were so good; that seemed to have dissolved as they got older.
"Nothin'," Jack replied, shaking his head. "Just...thinkin' about my birthday. Reckon Bobby's gonna make somethin' at school again. He's gotten into that."
Ennis nodded, thinking. He wasn't too comfortable with talking about their kids out here, not when they frequently dropped their pants for each other. He just felt uneasy about talking about the kids when he and Jack were here to have sex; it tapped into that part of his brain that still felt guilty about cheating on a woman who'd done him no wrong and who had only tried to love him. He tried not to think about any of that when he was here with Jack. "Oh..."
Jack sighed. "Anyway...let's talk about somethin' else. Um..." He smiled. "So did ya get me somethin' for my birthday?"
The smile on his face made Ennis want to kiss him right there, but he restrained himself - for now. "Sure did. Ain't much, but...I reckon you'll like it."
"I'm sure I will," Jack replied sincerely. He knew he would love it because it was from Ennis; that was all he needed to know. "What is it?"
Ennis moved over to sit next to Jack, soup in hand. "Well...it's somethin' I made. I actually made it on Brokeback when I was bored one day, but I forgot about it. Was goin' through my things a few months ago an' saw it there...thought you might wanna have it." At Jack's expectant look, he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small wooden figure of a horse and rider. He could remember making this, having been inspired by watching Jack on that mare. "Here you go, bud."
Jack took it, examining the detail and feeling happiness creep into his stomach. Ennis had given him this; something he'd made up on Brokeback when they were so young. It was almost like a time capsule; a reminder of how things had started for them. "Ennis, I...wow," he managed, looking up at the man he loved. Ennis was looking away shyly, but Jack kissed his cheek and made sure that Ennis saw him smiling. "This is great, thank you." Ennis smiled back at him.
"You like it?" he asked, like he was unsure. Jack nodded and looked over it again.
"I sure do...you made this on Brokeback?"
"Yep. Before...things started with us. I saw you tryin' to ride that mare, an'...I found this block of wood so..." He shrugged. "It was just to pass the time, but when I saw it a few months ago I thought I might give it to you for yer birthday."
"So you was watchin' me, even then," Jack said quietly, smiling softly at him, and Ennis shrugged.
"Well...guess so. But I didn't think on it then...never thought it meant anythin' to look at you." At the time, he hadn't allowed himself to consider that he was attracted to Jack; that he was simply watching because Jack was the first real friend he'd had and he'd wanted to make sure Jack was okay up on that mare. But now he knew in his heart that he'd been watching for another reason. He had started to become attracted to the other man, and he had been watching because he'd been curious about him.
"Right," Jack replied, hearing the words that Ennis wasn't saying. Clearly, Ennis knew now that he'd been watching because of a growing curiosity and the blossoming of feelings. Jack knew the feeling well, for he'd been going through the same thing at the time. He appreciated that they could look at each other now, as much as they wanted without awkward words and silences. "Well...I really like this, Ennis. Thank you."
They returned to their food, both of them thinking about those days of summer up on Brokeback and how good they had been. Both of them wanted to go back to those days when they had little to care about except each other. While they were more mature now and could handle things better, they still yearned for their lost youth. Ennis in particular wished that they could go back to that last day, so that he wouldn't punch Jack and wouldn't turn away from him in Signal. He would regret that as long as he lived, for he was the one who had done this to them.