Chapter 31

February 1978

Valentine's Day had been a few days ago, so Ennis and Jack were taking their trip in order to try and make up for not spending the day together. Ennis had missed Jack so much on the day, and had even considered calling him to let him know how he felt. But every time he'd looked at the phone and considered it, he remembered Earl's mutilated body and his fears of Jack meeting the same fate.

As a result, he was trying to make it up to Jack by being particularly loving towards him; as best he could anyway. Showing affection towards anybody had never been easy for him, not even Jack, but he did try because he knew Jack appreciated it.

After lunch during their trip, the pair of them set off walking through the trees. Ennis had shyly taken Jack's hand as they walked, and he kept glancing at the other man, wondering what was going through his mind. Jack had seemed to be okay after the disaster of his divorce and the rejection, but now Ennis wasn't so sure.

"You okay?" he asked, nudging Jack slightly and hoping to see a smile beneath that moustache; he'd gotten used to it lately. But it took Jack a few moments before responding.

"Uh, yeah. Why?" he replied, and Ennis could tell that he was distracted. In reality, Jack was again thinking of finding someone down in Texas to keep him occupied when he was without Ennis. Lureen barely spoke to him these days, and sometimes he craved to have sex with a man while he was down there. He didn't want to go down to Mexico anymore, and he was headed down a slippery slope.

"You just...been pretty quiet lately," Ennis said, squeezing his hand. "What's wrong?"

Jack shook his head. "Nothin'. Just doin' some thinkin'." He did his best to smile, and pushed away his dark thoughts of betraying Ennis like that. He didn't want to do it, but he might have to if things carried on like this. He bit his lip. "Ennis..."

"It's okay," Ennis cut him off, shaking his head as they stopped. "We don't gotta talk..." He leaned in close and saw Jack's deep blue eyes fill with uncertainty. Maybe Jack was wondering how much longer things would go on like this; they had been going on these trips for eleven years now, and nothing much had changed. Both still wanted to be together permanently, but Ennis was still too scared of the repercussions if someone found out.

"But, I..." Jack tried, wondering what Ennis would say or do if he voiced his inner thoughts. Maybe Ennis would get angry, but maybe it would knock some sense into him. If he told Ennis why he was having these thoughts (because he missed him so much), then perhaps Ennis would realise that they needed to be together. "I, um..."

"Shh..." Ennis leaned in even closer and gently placed a kiss on Jack's lips, somehow knowing that Jack was feeling conflicted over something. He didn't want Jack to ask him again about living together; he hated the look on Jack's face when he said no. Ennis didn't like hurting Jack at all; not when he loved him so much.

When their lips parted, Jack didn't feel much better. He knew that Ennis was trying to cheer him up, and he tried to ignore his thoughts. "Well...feel a little better," he tried to convince both Ennis and himself, and he smiled. "Let's keep goin'." They continued walking, hand in hand amongst the trees and each lost in his own thoughts.

They reached a tree stump and sat down, Ennis putting his arm around Jack's waist. He liked keeping Jack close; he could be sure that Jack was safe here. When they were apart, Ennis often worried for Jack's safety down in Texas. Even though nobody knew about them down there (he figured that Alma wouldn't do anything despite knowing about them), he also knew that Jack and Lureen had money and were probably well-known. What if somebody robbed Jack on the road and beat him up for those reasons? Worse still, what if it happened when Jack was on his way north? Ennis would never forgive himself.

"Jack...you ain't still pissed at me, are ya?" he asked softly, and Jack shook his head.

"No, I ain't. I'm past that now, Ennis. Just...other stuff. You know I miss you when we ain't out here, an'...I ain't gonna ask you to run off with me. I know how it is with us...some things just can't change."

"I'm sorry," Ennis sighed, rubbing his back. "Wish they could, rodeo. You know I do."

"Yeah, I do." Jack wanted to believe that Ennis would say yes if things were different, but he wasn't sure anymore. Eleven years of asking, and nothing had happened. Jack often considered divorcing Lureen and moving back up north to be closer to Ennis, but he liked having the safety and security right now. He would lose that if he left her and would be left to defend himself in the cold plains of Wyoming. Even if he moved near Ennis, that was no guarantee that they could be together. If he was going to leave Lureen and Texas, he needed to be sure that he was heading for a future with Ennis. Right now, he needed to stay put.

"I...I miss you somethin' awful, darlin'. You gotta know that." Jack turned to him, a sad smile on his face. They were still caught up in this cycle of longing for each other and yet not moving anywhere, and the worst part was knowing that there was nothing they could do about it. They just had to keep on going and hope that somehow, things would change and they could be together. Jack just hoped that it was soon, before he crossed the line and did something he would regret for the rest of his life.