Chapter 32

May 1978

It had now been fifteen years since they had met, but both men felt like time was dragging on. As much as they enjoyed meeting up and even though they knew that they needed this, things were getting harder for them.

Jack had been having more thoughts about finding someone to pass the time with when he wasn't with Ennis, but he hadn't done anything. He hadn't decided yet if he ever would; he couldn't very well go around asking if anybody was interested; that was a sure-fire way of getting himself into danger. There were some very unfriendly people in Texas who would kill him if they knew the truth.

As he lay on his back in the tent, Jack found his mind wandering to the man beside him. Ennis was the love of his life and Jack didn't want to betray him, but he was growing tired of missing Ennis during their time apart. Jack knew that he needed regular sex with a man; he was queer and that was it. But since he couldn't be with Ennis more often, there was only really one solution. Could he really cross the line and do it? Would Ennis ever forgive him if he found out?

He sighed and rolled over, curling up on his side and wishing that he could just fall asleep and be ready to face the next day. They were supposed to be having fun on these trips, and not just sex, but he felt increasingly unhappy as time passed.

Jack jumped when he felt Ennis's arm slide around his stomach. "Bud? What're you doin' awake?" Ennis mumbled in his ear, voice thick with sleep. "You okay?"

He shrugged. "Just can't sleep. Doin' some thinkin'." He swallowed. "About...how much I miss you when we ain't here."

Ennis rubbed his stomach. "I know, darlin'. But we're here now...can't you try an' cheer up?"

"Sorry if I'm bringin' you down," Jack snapped, moving out of Ennis's embrace and immediately regretting it. He sat up and rubbed his face, and Ennis was staring at him. Jack didn't often lose his temper.

"Jack..."

"I'm sorry, okay?" Jack told him, turning back to glance at his lover. "Didn't mean to snap at you like that."

"It's alright," Ennis replied, gently placing a hand on his back. "An' you ain't bringin' me down when you get like this. I'm thinkin' of you...don't like seein' you miserable." He was still unsure when it came to tender words and affection, but Jack needed it right now. "Sure am sorry if I'm doin' this to you..."

Jack turned his head and kissed Ennis on the cheek, to his surprise. "Don't worry about it, cowboy." He then hesitated. "Can we, um...?"

"Sure, darlin'." Ennis leaned in and kissed him as warmly as he could, trying to make Jack feel better about whatever was bothering him. If sex would do the trick, then that was what he would do for Jack.

They sank back down to the bedroll and started exploring each other with their hands and tongues. Both were already naked from their earlier coupling, so the fires inside them re-ignited as they kissed, Ennis rolling himself on top of Jack. He wished he could be there for Jack all of the time, helping him whenever he needed it, but it just wasn't possible.

He pushed these thoughts away and nipped at Jack's neck, knowing that Jack liked it when he did that. "God, Ennis...feels good..."

"Mmm..." Ennis slid his hand down Jack's body and brushed his erection, wondering what exactly Jack wanted to do. "What d'you want, darlin'? Tell me..."

"Want you inside me," Jack whispered. "From the side." Ennis nodded and allowed Jack to turn onto his side, then settled down behind him and into position.

"When yer ready, bud," he murmured, rubbing Jack's shoulder. Jack nodded and closed his eyes, needing Ennis to complete him and banish his thoughts of betrayal. He didn't want to do it, for it would mean nothing compared to Ennis, but he had physical needs that Lureen just couldn't meet. He just didn't know what to do anymore.

Ennis slicked himself up and rose up slightly, pushing Jack down gently onto the bedroll and straddling one leg so that he could get a good angle. Jack bit his lip and spread his legs slightly, longing for this man to be inside him. Nobody had ever made him feel as good as Ennis did, and nobody ever would.

Slowly, Ennis pushed himself inside Jack and waited until his lover relaxed, prepared to take this at whatever pace Jack was comfortable with. "You okay?" he asked softly, and Jack nodded.

"Yeah, go on." Ennis started moving, but he had to wonder if he was making Jack feel any better about everything. Sex was always good between them, but he wanted to make Jack happy and he hoped he was. The one thing that would make Jack truly happy was the one thing Ennis couldn't give him, and he hated that reality. He wished that things could be different.

"Feelin' okay?" he whispered, for Jack was giving no indication that he was enjoying this. He was just lying there and taking it. "Jack?"

"I'm okay," he replied, brushing aside his dark thoughts and concentrating on Ennis. He started pushing back to meet the gentle thrusts, and pleasure began drifting over him. "Mmm...sure does feel good, cowboy."

Ennis kissed the back of his neck and started fondling him, hoping to draw some intimacy out of the moment. Jack let out a shuddering gasp and realised that no matter what happened, he would always love Ennis and that would never change.

Their climax was unusually silent, but Jack felt it all in his heart. This man would always be with him, and his was the face that Jack would see no matter who he was with. If he closed his eyes during the times ahead, he could imagine that Ennis was there with him.