Author's Note: So sorry for the delay I have been very sick, and actually writing this has made me feel somewhat better. Anyway thank you all for the kind reviews and I hope you enjoy this next installment and I will try not to let the next chappy take so long to post, but since I am sick and under medical treatment it may take some time so please be patient with me. ~ Pari
Awhile later at the morgue
As an officer of the law Carter had been allotted higher courtesy than other grieving family members. The Coroner had allowed her privacy and before he left for the evening told her to take as long as she needed to. So she stood by the open freezer drawer staring down at the sheet covered body lying on the steel slab. Reese had arrived before she did and stood in the shadows watching and waiting until he knew she was alone. He remained outside the room and watched Carter through the viewing window. She had reached out her shaky hands several times to pull back the sheet and each time she had yanked her hands back before it touched the sheet. Tears streamed down her face and Reese could hear pitiful moans drift out into the corridor where he stood. After nearly 2 hours of Carter building up her nerves and Reese watching over her with a Plexiglas between them, Carter finally slowly pulled the sheet back.
"NOOO!" She screamed at the top of her lungs as she stumble back and double over a bit. She reached down and fisted the black slacks she wore, just at her thighs, as if to brace herself up. Reese took a step towards the entrance but stopped himself, rationalizing that Joss needed to deal with this part without him in the room, but he watched more closely for any signs that she might collapse. "God Please…Please don't take my baby!" She continued to scream and cry all at once. Carter then swiftly moved to Taylor's still body and began lovingly stroking his forehead, down his neck, across his chest, and then his arms. "Taylor baby," She spoke more softly, her demeanor seemingly calm. "Wake up. Wake up for momma baby. Taylor you have to wake up so we can go home. C'mon baby, wake up for momma, it's getting late and you have school tomorrow, so wake up and let's go home now, OK?" Carter said rocking as her tears continued spilling from her eyes. She grew silent and watched her son's body as if waiting for a response and when she didn't get one she grew angry. "Taylor, wake up!" She yelled as she struck her fisted hand against his chest. "Do you hear me? I said get up right now!" She demanded as she struck the body again, it was this that prompted Reese to enter the room. He reached her in time to block her next blow, grasping her hand into his.
"You don't wanna do this Joss," Reese said speaking softly, as he stared down at her with grief stricken eye that were wet with his own unshed tears. "Let me take you home." He offered but she yanked her hand from his in reply.
"Don't touch me, don't you fucking touch me." Carter hissed out as she shoved him away from her personal space. "This is your fault. You told me you'd always look out for us, you'd keep us safe. That's not safe John," She yelled as she pointed at her son's body. "That's dead!"
"It was an accident Joss, I…" Reese tried to reason but Carter raised her hand as she shook her head at him.
"No, I don't want to hear anything you have to say, and I don't want you here," She said purposely turning her back to Reese and focused back on to Taylor, who she once again stroked lovingly as she whispered endearments to him.
"I know that you probably hate me," Reese said and Carter stilled in her movements. She wanted to tell him that she didn't hate him, but she was too hurt and angry and that anger wouldn't let her turn and seek comfort in his arms, as she longed to do. "But I swear to God if I could trade places with Taylor right now I would, and if there were any way that I could have known…" He paused, closed his eyes, and took a calming breath before he opened his eyes again to continue. "It was an accident, a tragic accident and several parents lost their children." Now Carter's had to clamp her eyes shut and shudder at her own selfishness, but still she kept her back to him. "You're my friend Joss, and that's not something I say a lot or very easily. I hope someday you'll be able to forgive me, and know that I'll always be here for you…Always. But I will respect your wishes and leave if that's what you want. I'm so sorry Joss." She felt fresh tears fall at his words, after a moment she turned to face Reese but only found an empty space.
Three Days Later
There had been overcast the entire day, and the gloom matched the sullen, sad mood of the day. Carter had been going on autopilot as she accepted the condolences of those who had attended Taylor's Funeral; her friends, colleagues, and Taylor's classmates. She had forced a smile and given her thanks, all while keeping her eyes locked to the casket where her baby lay. She had opted to do a grave side service due to the crowd that she had expected. It had only been a 30 minute service, and as mourners dispersed Carter continued to stand and stared down at the mound of dirt that covered her son's coffin. An hour after the service ended Carter still stood with Fusco right at her side, where he had been since he arrived at the cemetery.
"Go home Fusco," Carter's cracked voice spoke out, and she instantly realized how bitchy she sounded and she turned to him and tossed out a slight smile. "Thank you for being here with me, for staying but you have a son who is probably wondering where his Daddy is. This is your day with him, so go be with him. Don't ever waste a second and think that you'll have time later because…" She stopped as a sob escaped.
"Well let me take you home first." Fusco offered gently as he reached out and rubbed his hand across her back.
"Thanks but I already got an escort," She said as she nudged her head back and Fusco turned and looked over her shoulder. His eyes rested on Reese who was several yards off, standing next to a tree. Fusco tossed Reese a nod of acknowledgement.
"Alright then, but I'm gonna check on you every day, and I mean stop by to see you, until you're back on duty."
"You don't need to do that especially since I plan to be back on Monday." Carter stated as she gave him another half smile.
"Wait, Monday as in the day after tomorrow?" Fusco asked in disbelief.
"Yes, Monday comes after Sunday, which is tomorrow."
"Carter, don't you think you should take more time you know to…"
"To what?" She asked her tone turned icy. "Get over the fact that my son is gone and I will never see him again in this life?"
"Naw, that's not what I meant," He said but then grew silent because he knew that in essence that was exactly what he was saying.
"Fusco I'm sorry," Carter said as she reached out and touched his arm. "I appreciate your concern but honestly I can't just sit around my house knowing that Taylor won't be bounding through the door asking me what's for dinner. I'd go crazy," Fusco nodded his head in understanding. "My job is all I have now…Look I'm gonna be fine. Me and my shadow will get home fine, so you go see your son, and Fusco you give that boy a big kiss, hold him tight, and tell him how much you love him, OK?"
"Yeah I'll do that." He agreed and then gave her a quick hug before walking off. He stalled briefly to point to Reese and then back to Carter, to let Reese know that he was leaving Carter in Reese's hands.
As soon as Fusco left Reese made his way to where Carter stood. He moved right up behind her, close enough that she could feel the wool overcoat he wore scratch at her back. Carter silently lean back putting a lot of her weight against Reese's broad chest, and he wearily wrapped his arms around her. When she didn't rebuff him, he tightened his hold.
"I'm sorry," Carter was the first to speak and her words stunned Reese.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for," He offered and Carter chuckled at his chivalrous nature.
"Except blaming you personally for what happened to Taylor, I know it wasn't your fault John, I knew it even when I was yelling at you but I just…" She paused and clutched her gloved hands into a fist.
"You needed something tangible to blame, otherwise his death would seem purposeless, meaningless and he deserves better than that." Fresh tears formed in Carter's eyes, her lips trembled as she nodded her head.
"Yeah, but I never should have blamed you. You saved his life once and I believe that you would have done anything possible to save him this time if you could have." At that moment the skies opened up and a downpour began. Both Reese and Carter lifted their arms trying to shield themselves.
"Come on I'll take you home," Reese yelled out over the roaring of the rain. Carter hesitated as she cast her eyes back to Taylor's grave, but then gave a curt nod.
"Bye baby, I'll be back to see you soon." Carter said and then she and Reese hurried from the cemetery to Reese's borrowed car. By the time they had gotten into the car both of them were soaked through. Even after a 20 minute drive that ended at what looked like an abandoned four story office building, both Reese and Carter were still dripping water.
"This isn't my home," She said casually but inwardly she thanked him for not taking her back to her empty brownstone. She honestly didn't think she'd be able to stay there anymore, not with so many memories of Taylor there.
"No, it's mine and you're my first guest." Reese replied and he drove into the build's underground parking lot. He parked into the empty space closes to the elevators. "C'mon lets get you inside and get you dry." He said as he exited the driver's side. Carter, who rested her head back and gazed out the window at the huge vacant parking lot, didn't protest as Reese walked around the vehicle and opened the passenger side door. She kept silent as he helped her from the car and steered her into the elevator and up to the top loft. "Make yourself at home; the bathroom is first door on the right. Why don't you go start yourself a hot bath and I'll grab something dry for you to put on," Reese spoke as they stood just in the entrance of the loft.
Carter didn't argue just followed his instruction, which told Reese that she was truly exhausted, probably physically, mentally, and emotionally. He had given her one of his large white t-shirts he figured it would be large enough and probably hit her just above her knees, and then he waited as she took her bath. Reese could hear her as she cried even though she had turned on the water again, hoping to drown out her sobs. While he waited Reese put away his guns and removed his jacket and began fixing some dinner. After nearly an hour Carter emerged from the bathroom, with damp wavy hair that fell across her shoulders and down her back, wearing Reese's t-shirt. Reese stood from his bed where he had been stretched out as he awaited her. He moved to the head of the bed and pulled back the covers.
"You take the bed and I'll be just across the way on the couch. I made dinner it should still be warm, I'll fix you some and you can eat it in bed." He said as he patted the bed to indicate that she should crawl in. Carter moved to where Reese stood but instead of getting into the bed she tugged at Reese's belt, turning him to face her. She then leaned up on the tips of her toes and kissed him on his neck while her hands began to unlatch his belt. "Joss, stop." Reese spoke gently as he grasped her hands and stilled her movements.
"Why," Carter questioned as she pulled her hands from his grasp and away from his belt only to reach them up and clutch him around the back of his neck. She tugged his face down to hers and kissed him hungrily. Reese allowed the kiss for a moment, savory her taste and the feel of her body meshed to his. When he felt his body hardening he yanked back from her.
"No, we can't do this."
"I'm pretty sure we can," Carter said as she stepped to him and reached for him again with the intent of recapturing his lips. Reese gripped her around her wrist and pulled her hands down from his neck. Carter quickly yanked her hands free and then shoved against Reese's chest. When he fell back down onto the bed she straddled his lap. "I know you want me John." She announced as she leaned down and nibble his earlobe. He didn't bother denying it since his lower extremities had already told the truth.
"But 'you' don't really want this Joss. Right now you're lost in grief and you're looking for a way to distract yourself from the grief. Believe me I know that feeling, I drowned myself in a bottle to numb myself after I lost Jessica."
"Then you understand so please, John. Please I need you…I just want to forget it all for a little while. Please john, please help me forget." Carter begged and then kissed his neck and ground her naked and wet center against his hardened crotch, as fresh tears appeared in her eyes. Reese hesitated to contemplate if he should give in or not. He did understand the grief and pain she was going through, he also knew how destructive it could be. Reese feared what Carter might do if he rejected her advances, who she might turn to instead, but he also feared her reaction if he gave into her need. How would it all affect their friendship and working relationship? More than anything, he feared his own emotional reaction. He realized quite some time ago that he had develop strong feelings towards Carter and that he was both physically and sexually attracted to her. He wasn't sure that once he had felt her touch, tasted her sweetness whether he'd ever be able to give it all up. Carter took his silence as an invitation and she hastily yanked at his belt and then the zipper of his pants. Before Reese's rational side could kick in to once again try to stop her, Carter had already freed his engorged member from his pants and impaled herself down upon it.
"Unnngahhhhh!" Carter screamed and threw her head back to the painful burn from being stretched by Reese's girth and length, and then she smiled to the instant pleasure that hummed through her body and voided her mind to all other thoughts and feelings. Reese clamped his eyes shut and gritted his teeth as he gripped Carter's hips and rested his forehead against her breast. He was completely lost the second her hot, tight center enveloped him, and then suddenly nothing else matter except giving them both the release they now so desperately needed. She lifted up a bit whimpering as he slid from her and just before they were completely disconnected she plunged back down again, and again she cried out as her head fell back, while Reese's grip on her waist tightened and steadied her. Carter soon found a rhythm that elicited the most friction and thus the most pleasure and she gripped Reese's shoulders to give her more leverage and control to bounce up and down upon his lap, which she did at a slower pace. She dropped her head just as Reese lifted his and their eyes locked, they stared entranced for several long moments as they made love. Her head fell forward more and her forehead rested against Reese's and they both stared into each others eyes as their hips gyrated and they raced towards completion. For the next few hours the loft became filled with screams, growls, cries, and groans as the two lovers found solace in each other.