Personified Idiosyncrasy: Part Two
I can't believe it has been two years since Bella left this apartment in the early hours of the morning. What a two years they have been. I had to face the pieces of my past that I never wanted to think about. I needed to come to terms with things so that my present could be okay. Now I am facing my future, and I've never felt more pure happiness before.
I must say good bye to my apartment, and to the building that I had called my home. I know that I have to in order to move on, but it's still hard. This apartment means a lot to me—so many memories, mostly good ones. There is only one memory, which destroys me every time I relive it.
"Eddie the boat leaves at three, we need to get a move on."
I turn shaking my head at Emmett. "It's Edward not Eddie, for the umpteenth time."
Emmett stands looking at me with a very serious look on his face. "I can call you Eddie—it's my right as your best friend. All best friends have rules, like a best friend code. Part of that code says I can give you a nickname. I choose to call you Eddie and you can call me Thor."
"Emmett there is no such code and why do I get Eddie and you get Thor?"
Emmett chuckles at me as his picks up a box. "Because, I'm the best—of all best friends—in the whole wide world."
I look at him, nodding my head in agreement because I know that he is indeed. Two years ago—he saved my life.
Two years previously
"Mr. Cullen, where are you?" I could hear Emmett yelling, but I couldn't move—I didn't want to.
"Fuck!" I feel a hand touch my shoulders, but I can't move it away.
"She's gone! She left me. I have nothing without her. I need her here with me. What if she's hurt or in—trouble. She doesn't know anyone here. What have I done, why the hell did I feel the need to tell her everything as she slept?"
I hear Emmett let out a sigh. "She's at my house. She's a little upset but she's fine."
I look at him and begin to breathe hard. "I need to go to her. I need to make her understand ..."
Emmett's hand clasps on my shoulder pushing me back down. "I can't allow that."
I glare at him. "That is my house you live in and you work for me," I yell pushing him away. "I will fire your ass. Get you deported back to the USA and make sure you are penniless as the day I met you," I threaten. Having no issues whatsoever in making his life hell, if he intends to keep from me what is mine, and Isabella is MINE!
"Yes you are my boss and I know I owe you, but if you turn up at my house she will run. You can't keep her here—with you—against her will."
"Yes I can, and I will!"
As soon as the words leave my mouth Emmett has me held against the wall. "No you can't! You can't make someone feel something they don't. If you love her—truly love her—than do what she asked of you—get help. This person in front of me is not the man I know and have worked for over the past years. You need help—real help. I'm not being mean, but if you don't, she will run. If she sees you, before you start getting help—I'm afraid she will vanish. Before you say you won't give her the chance, think about this—if you stop her, you'll make her die inside, then there is nothing of what you loved left. You will kill everything you love about her if you keep her against her will."
As I study Emmett's eyes I know that he's speaking the truth. I also see that he's willing to fight for her. "I love her," I sigh, as Emmett lets me go and I slide to the floor.
"Do you? Are you sure you really love her? Honestly I am wondering, because you're acting like a teen aged girl chasing her pop idol."
After saying those words to me, he gets up and leaves. I stay in my office on the floor for forty eight hours. I move only to use the restroom, and vaguely remember that much. I'm just sitting here surrounded by photographs of Bella. I can't sleep, I can't function, I need her and this seems to be the only way I can have her.
"Mr. Cullen!" The voice that calls me seems far away. "Mr. Cullen, have you been here ever since I left you?"
I don't look towards whoever is speaking to me. I just keep my eyes on the picture of Bella and me, together in Arran.
"Come on man. You need to get up." I feel a large arm pull me up. I am dragged around my home, stripped naked, and dumped into my bath tub. I feel someone washing me. Normally I'm a really private person and would never allow this, but I am past the point of caring. The same large arm pulls from the bath tub.
"Can you get dressed?"
I hear a huff before clothes are been pulled on me.
"I am taking you away from here."
I shake my head adamantly. "No! I need to been here—in case she comes back. I need to wait for her."
"Mr. Cullen she will not stay long if she sees you like this. You need to pull yourself together, if you want any part of her in your life."
I am picked up and moved out of my home, too weak to fight back. Fuck that just shows how much of a weak, pathetic, man I am. It's not long before I am put in a car and driven for what feels like hours. I am again picked up out of the car and taken into a home.
I hear voices. "Is this him?" a woman's voice asks. I don't recognize it, but it's soft and low. I don't hear a reply. "Don't worry about your friend we will help him, he's in good hands. Remember the rules; you may stay this evening only. Even though you are welcome to stay for the night, after tonight you will not be able to speak with him again for eight weeks. We will let you know how he's doing."
I shake my head; I can't be here for eight weeks. What if she needs me? What if she's hurt? I need to see her and know if she is pregnant with my child. I feel my heart racing as my breath becomes heavy and loud. I feel a sharp pinch in my arm and everything goes dark—almost as if the lights have been turned out.
Slowly my eyes open and I look around the strange room. I sit up, confused. Where the fuck am I? I close my eyes trying hard to remember and it hits me—Bella left—she left me. I hear people calling my name, telling me to calm down. I don't want to calm the fuck down I want—need Bella. I need her—my girl—my baby. I feel the darkness pulling at me, but I need to get to her. I need to get out of here. The darkness wins as I am drawn into the blackness.
My eyes flutter open. "Good afternoon, Mr. Cullen."
I look at the woman who is sitting at my bedside. Well not my bedside—I'm not sure where the hell I am.
"Where the fuck am I?"
The woman raises her eyebrows at me. "You are at Alleviate Wellness Center. I am Tanya Denali—I'm your doctor here."
I sit up feeling a little dizzy.
"How the hell did I get here?"
Tanya looks at me without saying a word. A few minutes pass before she speaks. "Your friend brought you here. Your body had a big shock and shut down. He was worried so he brought you here for us to help you."
I roll my eyes at her. "He's not a friend he was an employee. He will be fired the minute I see him."
"Never the less, you do need help, so why don't we work on that first. Once that is complete then you can fire whomever you choose."
I glare at her. "I. DON'T. NEED. YOUR. HELP. I just need Bella—that's it."
The doctor taps her pen on the folder, while never blinking an eye. "Hmm, do you really think that—Bella wants to be with some stalker? Someone who has tried to trap her into being with them? Someone who has missed used her trust and hurt her?"
I jump up from the bed. "I will never break her trust or hurt her!"
Two large men come into the room and look between me and the doctor.
"It's fine—he's fine. Please step back out," the doctor says in a voice that sounds more like an order. I notice that the entire time she speaks to them, she continues to watch me.
As they leave the room she speaks again. "You lied to her about who you were. You manipulated her in coming here from the USA. You lied about what you really wanted from her. You invaded her personal space. You took from her the ability to show you the real her—to let you see her and her heart at her own will. You took from her the ability to see the real you, and what's in your heart. You curtailed her view to see only what you thought she wanted. Face the facts Mr. Cullen, you have and did hurt her. You've never had her trust because you never introduced her to the real Edward Cullen. What she got was some fantasy that you thought she wanted to fall in love with."
I look at Tanya the whole time she speaks. I shake my head at her unwilling to admit what she's saying is true.
"Mr. Cullen, you need help. You never know in the end, you may not even want Bella in the way you want her now."
I glare at her. "I love her! I will always want her."
The doctor shrugs her shoulders. "Then work with me, and you may stand a chance. You must see that you need help. Everything you have done from the moment you've met her can in no way be called or construed as rational behavior. You don't honestly believe your choices regarding Miss Swan are normal, do you?"
I shake my head knowing that if I want out of here, I will have to agree to help.
"Will you let me help you?"
I sit on the bed and nod my head.
"Well Mr. Cullen, let's get to work."
I rub my face sick of hearing her call me Mr. Cullen. "If we're working together then you're gonna have to stop with the Mr. Cullen shit, it's Edward."
"No problem Edward, you can call me Tanya."
Everyone says the first few days of anything are the hardest. I can say they all full of shit. I have been here for four weeks, and it still sucks. Every day I have spent several hours speaking with Tanya. We've talked about my childhood and how things were in my household growing up. We talked about how I coped with trying to keep my room clean and to my mother's standards. How my grades never met my father's approval. How I use to feel unloved and depressed all the time. How I would put all my energy into one thing at a time and how it always became my sole focus.
When I was younger it was building things. In my early teen years it was working out. Later in my teen years it was schoolwork and college. Everything I did was driven to become someone that both my parents would find approval of. Tanya said that my focus was only in my work, that's why I never noticed other women.
But my subconscious knew something was missing from my life. When I bumped into Bella I saw something in her that was also in me. The feeling of being alone, unloved, not good enough, not the perfect thing others wanted. By trying to fix her, I was really trying to fix myself. I don't know if I fully believe what Tanya says, but I will say that some of it makes sense to me.
I haven't spoken to anyone in the outside world. I don't know if Bella is pregnant, still in the UK, or if she hates me. Tanya suggested that I write to Bella about my feelings and time here. Today is the first time I am writing my feelings down.
No, that's not right, if she hates me then I should not call her Bella, so I cross it out.
Dear Miss Swan
Shit no—I cross it out—that is too informal for what we've shared. Arrg! Why is this so fucking hard?
I don't know what to say. Tanya, the doctor that I am speaking with, said this could help if I write to you. She's helped me a little, so I thought I would try.
I miss you so much. Tanya says it might not really be love I feel for you, but I'm still so sure that it is. I know now that I needed help, and that I have needed help for a long time. I just don't know how things will be when I get to the other side—the healthy side.
I do know that I hurt you and for that I am truly sorry.
I place the letter in an envelope to give to Tanya. She smiles at me before sitting it on her table.
"I thought we could talk about your father's death?"
I look at her and frown. "Why? He died over twenty years ago."
Tanya shakes her head. "Why must we start everyday like this Edward? Why do you not want to talk about your past? What are you scared of finding?"
Tanya's right, every day we start this way. I ask why we have to talk about something and she asks me loads of questions as to why not. Each time she gets her way, so why fight it.
"I thought he was better—he seemed to be better. He was giddy, even happy. I didn't know that he was only happy because he had chosen to go be with Mom. I felt—feel selfish for thinking that way. If I knew, I don't know, maybe I would've stopped making him live and be miserable—but at least I wasn't alone for all those years."
Tanya keeps her face straight as she looks at me. "Why didn't you call anyone when you first found him? If what I read is correct, you waited almost three days later."
I look out the window finding it much easier to talk this way. "The note said that the house had to be prefect before I called anyone for help. I always did what they asked—no questions asked. I just followed directions like a good little soldier."
"What else did the note say?"
I watch as a small bird pecks at a tree outside the window. "I don't remember," my voice betrays me, knowing full well I know every word that was in that letter.
"I know you are lying to me, Edward."
I turn and glare at her. "I am not," I say like a child. I glare once more as Tanya chuckles at me.
"You are. Tell me what it said. Make me understand why a young boy of fifteen would clean his whole home as his father was left hanging in his mother's office?"
I let out a sigh. "The letter, it said that I better not fail them—like I have done my whole life. I was a disappointment to both of them. I did not watch her close enough and she died—the same with my father. He made sure to tell me that there were clear signs he was planning this, and I failed to notice them."
Tanya sits forward in her chair. "Do you believe it was your fault?"
I don't replay but nod my head. "It was my fault! I should have known. I should have seen what was happing—but no—I was selfish. I was too busy with basketball, football, and my stupid drawings—to see what was right in front of me. I know I have failed them again and Bella too!"
"You are not responsible for other people's choices. Your mother was ill—she failed to get medical help. Your father allowed her death to eat away at him—more than most likely because he felt responsible. It was your father's choice to end his life, and leave his son alone. These were their choices and not in any way, shape, or form was it your fault. You were a child—too young to know and understand about the signs to watch for. I am fifty and have been doing this job for almost twenty years and I still don't know all the signs. Everyone is different, sure there are common denominators in signs of suicide—but not everyone is the same. Anyone who ends their life is making that choice—it is not your fault or responsibility as a child to watch over your parents. If a person decides to kill themselves, it is a choice they make—it may be a choice made under mental illness, but it is their own choice."
I frown looking at how forceful Tanya sounds.
"I think that is enough about that subject today. I want you to think over what we've talked about. Emmett is coming tomorrow to visit, since it will be day twenty-eight. As I told you before in the beginning you will be able to see him—if you want?"
I look at her then to the floor, not really sure if I want to see him. After all, he is the reason why I am here, but he is also my only link right now to Bella. "Yes, I will see him."
Tanya smirks at me, shaking her head. "There will be rules that you have to follow, and he will have to follow them as well. They are quiet simple: No asking about your work, if anything important needs your input, it will be brought to your attention via fax delivered to me. Since there has been nothing, rest assured your company is in good hands."
I rub my hands up and down my legs because they start to feel sweaty.
"No alcohol, cigarettes, or anything consumable can be brought here for you. You will be able to walk on the grounds with him, but you can't leave the compound."
I nod my head at her.
"The one thing I feel you will be the hardest for you is you can't ask him about Bella."
I feel my eye pop open as I stare at her, but she holds up her hand.
"This is just for a little bit, maybe only this visit. Bella will be given your note, and I have already spoken with her. She said she's okay with you writing to her—but that's all the contact she wants right now. You have to respect her wishes."
I open and close my mouth like a fish out of water, before dropping my head in my hands. Looking back up at her, I plead. "I need to know is she's okay. What if she ..."
Tanya holds up her hands and I stop talking. "You need to abide by my wishes and what she wants right now."
I shake my head and begin gripping my hair.
"Edward, you have no choice on this. These are the rules, and I will not change them."
I give her a nod, stand and walk out.
The next day comes after a restless night. I make my way to the garden to meet Emmett. I let out a breath as I reach him. I am still feeling a mix of guilt and embarrassment.
"Hi—Edw ... Mr. Cullen. You are looking much better."
I smile at him. "Emmett, you've know me long enough—I think you can call me Edward."
He looks at me in shock.
"What? You've known me for what—fifteen years?"
He nods his head. "Yes, but you've never let anyone apart from Bella call you that." Emmett's face pales, as he slaps his hand over his mouth.
"Shit sorry, damn it, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say her name."
I shake my head at him. "Don't stress yourself Emmett—but I can't talk about ... her. I'm not allowed so please—don't say—it—again because I don't think I could stop myself."
Emmett nods his head and we walk around the garden together.
"How are things with you? Rose, how is she?"
Emmett smiles at me. "Rose is doing okay, still a little worried about the test results, you know. She's so desperate, to be pregnant and become a mom. I've even started to hope the problem is with me. I just want for her to have a child and have the whole experience she wants so desperately."
I stop and look at him, seeing he means what he said. "You ... would be agreeable to her carrying another man's baby?"
He nods his head at me. "Yes completely. Rose's wants to carry her own baby. I can't take that from her. I love her and would love any baby that she has. It's not like she'd have to sleep or have sex with another guy, you know?"
I raise my eyebrow and think over what he said. "I hope that everything works out for both of you."
He smiles and nods his head.
"Que Sera, Sera, Edward whatever happens we will face it together as a couple. We are meant to be parents, even if we have to adopt we will be. However, I would love to give my Rosie the chance to be pregnant—even if it means that I don't have a biologic link to the child."
I place my hand on his shoulder. "I will cover all costs, and ask Tanya to send you to the best doctors. I owe you for everything you have done for me, and more so for how I've treated you when all this came crashing down."
Emmett shakes his head at me. "What, no, Mr. Cu ..."
I raise my eyebrow at him.
"Edward. Look, I know you mean well—but I can't take any more money from you. We already live in one of your houses."
I swallow and grip my hair. "I'm sorry about saying that—you know—that house is yours. I gave it to you for a wedding gift. I was being an asshole."
He gives me a weak smile, and changes the subject. "How are you feeling?"
I shake my head. "I'm really not sure. This is the first time I have ever taken any time off. It is really rather odd for me not to do anything. For the first time that I can remember, I feel relaxed. I mean—you know—not worrying if a client is going to like something, or make a lot of changes at the last minute, disrupting production. I'm not stressing over a client wanting some gaudy contraption that looks like a reject from Walt Disney Land, that I'd have to put my name on."
Emmett, chuckles nodding his head at me. "You've needed a break for a long time Edward—take your time and enjoy it".
"Emmett, five more minutes."
Emmett and I both turn and look at Tanya, and nod our heads.
"I will come back, in two weeks, hang in there, okay?"
I shake Emmett's hand nodding my head at him. "I'll see you then."
The next three weeks fly by. I sent Bella another three letters. I would've sent more, but Tanya said no more than one a week. I am due to leave here in five days. I am worried but excited to get back to the real world.
Tanya has told me she wants weekly appointments with me. I decided yesterday not to go back to work for now. Instead I have left Emmett in charge, he has watched me for fifteen years, and he knows how to do things.
He's not working any more than his usual hours, and he still has a lot going on in his personal life. After much talking on my part, Emmett has allowed me to oversee the costs of their doctor. On a sad note I have heard nothing about or from Bella.
I have begun drawing a lot more. It's something I have missed over the years. There is a difference in drawing just for the sake of it and because you want too—and drawing something that someone else wants and has to be a certain way.
I am outside drawing all the different things that are around me.
I turn looking at Tanya before turning back to my drawing.
"Edward, there is someone here to see you."
I frown, but I don't turn back to her. "It is Thursday Tanya; visitors only come on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays."
Tanya chuckles. "Yes I know that, but Bella didn't."
I spin around to face Tanya, but she holds up her hand holding off my questions.
"And when she pled her case, we decided that you were better to see her while still here—than outside. We discussed things and if you agreed with meeting her here, then you could."
I feel my heart speed up as my hands begin to sweat.
"Edward, you don't have to see her."
I shake my head stepping forward. "No, I want to but," I look down at my clothes that are covered in paint, "I don't—I'm not really dressed to see her."
Tanya chuckles a little. "You're fine the way that you are Edward. This is not a date, she only wants to talk. She has asked that I remain in the room."
I nod my head at her, taking some deep breaths. I sit back down on the grass. I follow through each and all the steps Tanya has taught me. Once I feel relaxed and calm I stand back up. "I'm ready, let's go."
We walk to Tanya's office and I look in the window. I see Bella sitting on the sofa and from behind she looks like she is fine, and doing well.
Tanya opens the door and we walk in.
As Bella's head snaps round, I stop moving, seeing how run down she looks. "Bella are you okay? What's wrong?" I step toward her and she stands up to moves back from me. I frown at her, stopping my movement. "I won't hurt you."
Bella looks up at me and nods her head. "I know Edward, and I am pleased that you've gotten help. I can't—please understand that I can't do this right now—with you. I'm trying really hard not to scream and shout at you. I understand that you were not acting rational—but fuck—Edward I'm pregnant."
My eyes widen and I feel myself getting worked up.
"You got your wish and I have spent the last six weeks with my head in a toilet. I have been crying my eyes out because I lost you—not that I had you. I had some warped version of a great guy that you made up." Bella stops talking and rubs her head.
"I will make sure you're okay, I will pay ..."
Bella's eyes snap to mine and she glares at me, stopping me mid-sentence. I swear I feel my balls retract up inside me.
"No! Please, just no. I came to tell you. At the end of the day, you did not rape me, just hid the truth from me. Fuck the time we were together—I have never experienced that kind of love before in my life and I don't think I will again. I hope you know that you will be a part of this baby's life. We will find a way to work together, but other than that I can't—Edward I just can't."
With that Bella's up and runs out of the office.
I fall on the sofa in tears. "Tanya, I—I love, I mean really fucking love her. How can I fix it so she'll have me back?"
Tanya sighs shaking her head. "Edward, I think Bella needs help too. There is way more than what you've done to her that is hurting her. You need to give her time Edward. For now worry about being a good father. Work and strive to have an open honest communication with your child's mother."
I still have not heard from Bella and it's has been four weeks since she ran out of Tanya's office. I have moved to another wellness house. Tanya felt that I should not return to the flat, for fear that it would not help me move forward.
I have been enjoying my time away from work, and have visited some of the places that made me come and settle in Edinburgh.
I'm still writing to Bella, and I feel that may help her understand why I did what I did. I want her to truly know that I never meant to upset, or hurt her in any way.
Emmett and I have grown close over the weeks, and I feel that we are no longer just employer and employee—we are friends. I also know that he is one of the main reasons why I am coping as well as I have been.
"The test results came back. It's me, I'm the problem. They say I have slow swimmers, so we're going to have IVF. I'm hoping it will work."
I turn looking at Emmett nodding my head. "Me too, Emmett, I know you would make a great father." I try to keep the hurt out of my voice knowing there is a chance I may never get to be a full time dad.
"Edward, give her a little more time. She still loves you. I can see it in her eyes. She just needs time to heal and this is not all on you either."
I lean back in the chair looking at Emmett, hoping that he will explain. "She's seeing a doctor too and willing, like you, she is digging up her past. I'm not sure of all what happened, but I do know she didn't have a lot of love shown to her. By the way she talks I think it was really just her and her dad, she didn't have anyone else. I know her only boyfriend pretty much abused her and treated her like dirt."
I growl and Emmett holds up his hands.
"Edward, getting pissed off at something that already happened is not going to change it. The past is just that—the past—let her move on from it. I do think it's helping because she asked how we met. And ... well I told her everything."
I look to Emmett in surprise. His past is not something he shares with much of anyone, and as far as I am aware it's only Rose and I that know everything.
"I had to tell her everything to help her see that you may need to have control over things, but at the same time you want to help people. You have an amazing heart. Your biggest issue is you're scared. Because of your fear you tend to keep people out. You also strive to always be perfect and with that you tend to push away things out of your control. I did not tell her about your past, that's your place to do that. However, I did tell her that you've been hurt. I explained that where you went over the top with all of the stuff between the two of you—you really only wanted her safe and you were afraid of losing her."
I give him a weak smile and move on to another topic.
I grab my phone; answering it as I carry on painting the picture in front of me.
"Hello Edward," Bella's voice sounds.
My paint brush drops to the ground.
"Hello? Are you there?"
I take a deep breath. "Yes I am here, is everything okay?" I quickly ask, almost in a panic that she could be hurt.
"I'm fine. I want to see you again—to clear the air. Could we meet—for a coffee—soon?"
I smile nodding my head, not that she can see me. "Would half an hour be too soon?" I ask, crossing my fingers.
"That would be fine, where would you like to meet?"
I do a little dance, smiling because I will see her again.
"How about we meet at the little coffee shop, down by the office?" I ask, as I start packing everything up. I wait for her reply, hoping she doesn't change her mind.
"Okay, that's fine. I'll see soon, Edward."
Before I can say anything back, Bella has hung up the phone.
I buy both Bella and I a drink and a roll. I sit at a table in the corner and wait. I tap on the table watching out the window for her to come. Only a few minutes goes by before I see her walking through the door. I scan her whole body, to see if she's changed. I want to see if there's any sign to tell me she's carrying my baby.
"I'm not showing yet, should be soon though—if I can just stop being sick that is."
I smile before frowning. "Sorry—I didn't think," I say looking at the coffee and the roll. "Shit, I got you a coffee too. Damn it, I'm failing already."
Bella sits down and opens the roll. I watch as she looks inside it. She rearranges the meat and cheese. She grabs some tomatoes from the plate and adds them and the brown spicy mustard. I smile as she picks it up and takes a big bite of it. After chewing and swallowing, she smiles a little. "It's mainly in the morning and at night time now. Since you got hot chocolate, I'll just drink that," as she says as she reaches over taking the cup away from me.
I chuckle a little and take her coffee cup.
I look at Bella and frown. "Why are you sorry, you didn't do anything wrong?"
Bella shakes her head. "I shouldn't have gone off like I did in Tanya's office."
I go to say something, but Bella cuts me off.
"And I shouldn't have been a bitch, and not contacted you. I am really sorry that you've missed the baby's first scan. You should've been there, but I allowed my personal feelings to get in the way, and for that I am sorry."
I look at her feeling hurt that I missed my chance to see my child, but I also know that I brought a lot of this on myself. "Is—is everything okay? I mean there no problems are there?"
Bella shakes her head and digs in her bag. "No they said everything looks good, and they gave me some pictures. I got you copies too." She pushes a couple of scan photos over to me and picks up her roll taking a hearty bite.
"Wow this is our baby?" I stroke the picture, in amazement. I feel a tear going down my face and I worry there is a chance Bella may not want me to be a part of his or her life. "I swear I'll do anything and everything that you ask me too, please let me be a part of its li—"
"Peanut," Bella says cutting me off I look up at her.
"Yeah Peanut, it's what I've been calling the baby. I think it is better than the whole—it—thing."
I nod my head.
"Edward, I am still angry at you, but I am more hurt now. Regardless of how I feel about you, you are Peanut's dad and you have a right to be a part of Peanut's life. Peanut deserves to and should have his dad there for him. Irina said that we should maybe take some counseling together. To help us build up a decent relationship, before Peanut comes."
I nod my head at her. "I would like that, so would we go to Tanya, or Irina?"
Bella shakes her head. "Irina thinks that we should see a different person together. The person she told me about is a doctor by the name of Kate. Irina would share my personal information with her, and she said that you should talk to Tanya about it— all three of them are sisters—I guess."
My eyes widen at her comment. "Really?"
Bella nods her head. "Yes, but she thinks that we should still see our own doctors separately. Think about it. Oh, I have an appointment with the midwife in four weeks, would you like to come?"
I look at Bella seeing she seems okay with the idea of me being there. "Yes I would love to come along, thank you."
Bella stand up and I get up to help her, my hand touches her arm and Bella freezes.
I pull my hand away. "I'm sorry."
Bella shakes her head. "It's fine—I just need time Edward—time to sort my head out then hopefully my heart will follow."
Bella leaves her number with me and gets into a taxi. As soon as Bella is out of sight I call Tanya who agrees that I should keep seeing her and see Kate along with Bella. She thinks that we should go for once every two weeks to start with. Our overall goal with the couple counseling is to be two parents working together. After hanging up, I send a text to Bella. I let her know that I want to start as soon as possible. I tell her that I could book it. She texts me back saying to do it, so I call and book appointment with Kate in a weeks' time.
The weeks have passed by slowly. I have been texting Bella four times a day to keep in contact. I wanted to text her more, but Tanya said that four was enough to start off with. Tanya told me not to push for more than what she was willing to give.
Bella and I have attended couples counseling and it seems to be going well. I am still seeing Tanya, who thinks I may have suffered a breakdown. She says that when Bella left, my brain shut down completely and it triggered some of my OCD habits to come out fully.
Bella and I are at the doctor, waiting to be called for the second scan. We talked about the baby quite a bit and have decided that if they can tell us the sex of the baby then we will find out. I think that it will be a boy, and Bella's money is on a girl. She rolled her eye when I said one of us will be right.
"Isabella Swan." I turn my head looking at the Midwife and stand up to help Bella up.
"This way please," the midwife says, leading the way for us down the hall.
"This is your room, go ahead and get on the bed. We'll need you to pull your trousers down to the top of the pelvic bone. There is a sheet there for you to put over yourself while you wait, and the technician will be in shortly." After helping settle us, she leaves the room.
I help Bella to sit and shimmy her pants down low enough. Seeing Bella like this makes me want her more, but I hold myself back. Just as I place the sheet over her the midwife comes back in along with the technician.
"Hello Isabella, today it looks like we will be doing the second scan, is that correct?"
Bella nods her head at the technician.
"Okay this can be a tad cold," the technician says. I watch as she puts the gel stuff on to Bella's stomach.
Bella frowns and then gives a little smile, looking at the goo and the technician laughs.
"I heat it up, because I always hated getting the cold slimy gel on me when I was pregnant." The technician starts to look at the screen as she runs the wand looking plastic piece over Bella's abdomen.
"Everything is looking great, and you're showing to be twenty weeks and three days."
Bella nods her head.
"This going to be a big baby, but after seeing the dad here we can see where the baby gets it from. Would you both like to know the sex?"
Bella eyes widen and she nod's her head.
"I am almost one hundred percent sure that you will have a bouncing baby girl to add to your family."
Bella turns her head looking at me with a large grin on her face. I roll my eyes at her and she in turn sticks her tongue out at me. After getting cleaned up, Bella and I are free to go.
"I was talking to Tanya, and well I think ... I want you to know me. I would like it if we can meet up soon and I can tell you about my past—about my upbringing," I say. I don't look at Bella while I was speaking or even now, in fear that because it has nothing to do with the baby she may turn me down.
"I think that is a good idea. Irina said that I had to be more open with you about my past too. How about today? I have nothing else going on?"
I nod my head at her. "You want to come back to my house ..."
I stop when Bella's face pales. "Edward, I can't go back to that flat."
I shake my head at her placing my fingertips softly over her lips. "I haven't been there in a long time. I ... I can't stay there; it's not the same without you. I bought a house—I was talking about going there, but we can go to Emmett's if you'd rather."
Bella shakes her head. "No, your house will be fine. Besides I would like to see where our daughter will be spending some of her nights."
I drive us to my new home and order dinner to be delivered. Bella seems nervous at first, but I refuse to let her nervousness stop me from telling her everything. I tell her all about my past. How my mom was, and the way my father always made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I even told Bella that she was my first girlfriend—she looks surprised about that. I grimace as I tell her I have had about four one night stands, including the one I had in which I lost my virginity. I am clear to point out that before her I never felt love for someone and never felt love returned. Even if only for the weekend what I shared with her made me feel special to someone for the first time ever.
"My mom and dad had a strange marriage. I was the apple of my dad's eye, but I always felt that my mom didn't like to share him—not even with me. When it was just she and I, she would say mean things to me. She'd tell me if my dad would just leave his gun home one day, she would use it to kill me.
"She would tell me every day that she hated me. She used to tell me she thinks she got the wrong kid, because I was nothing she wanted. She would spank me a lot too—sometimes it was because my dad bought me something and she didn't get anything. It was hard growing up in that house. I felt love from my dad, but nothing but hatred and disdain from my mother.
"The day she died she was again telling me that she hated me. She told me that one of us had to go, her or me. She said she hated me and there was no way we could both live in the same house together another day. She was screaming at me and didn't see the car coming. I know that it was wrong, but when they said she was dead, I was happy—just for a few minutes. I knew I wouldn't have to hear her say that I was wrong or she hated me anymore."
As I watch the tear drop from Bella's face I pull her toward me. I am glad and feel a sense of relief that she allows me to comfort her. When she settles down, she sits back.
"After that it was just Dad and I. Mike came in to my life and my father liked him. He used to tell me that he knew a good man when he saw one. My father thought that Mike was one of the good ones. I wasn't into dating so Mike moved on, and Dad was worried I would be alone forever."
Bella shakes her head and laughs a little. "I still remember them coming to tell me he had died. It felt so different from when my mom died. They told me not too, but I had to see him, so I did at the morgue. I still can see him lying there on the cold slab, it haunts my dreams. I did get to say good bye to him in a more approving way at his funeral—however the hour I spent with him in the morgue will haunt me forever.
"Mike started coming around again and eventually he asked me out. I thought back to what my dad had said, and I feel stupid now—but I believed he sent Mike back to me so I was not alone anymore.
"It only took me four months to figure out Mike was gay. Sex was nothing great with him and he seemed to like anal sex over any other kind, unless it was a blow job in the dark. He gave me hints, but never came out and said he was gay.
"The biggest hint came when Mike asked me to wrap my tits up, because he did not like to see them bounce when he was fucking me."
I look at her with a raise of my eyebrow and she shrugs her shoulder.
"Apparently he's a cock and ass man. Anyway, I came home one day to find him in our bed fucking the guy who he introduced me to as his best friend. At first he blamed me and it was all my fault. Then he asked if I wanted to have a threesome with them. According to him, every girl should have two guys fucking her. It turned out that he needed a wife to get partnership. At his work, his boss didn't make gay people partners—bigoted bastard. He said he would pay me to pretend to be his loving wife. He bullied me, saying I should take what he was offering since no one would want me anyway. Then he tried to shove it in my face that even my own mother thought I was unworthy and couldn't love me."
I hold back the growl that wants to escape, and I hold her hand—to comfort myself as much as her.
"He told me he had watched and learned about me before my father had died. He said he knew that I was the right kind of girl to play the part of his sad wife. That is kind of the reason I freaked out so much—well that plus it was really freaky to hear someone say they were watching your every move."
I sigh and rub my face. "It wasn't just like that Bella," I say and she starts to interrupt me. "Wait let me finish ... please?"
She nods her head and gives my fingers a small squeeze.
"I was truly worried about you. I could only calm myself when I could see you. When I asked you out and you turned me down, it hurt, but more so because I just wanted the chance for you to know me. I know that I had no right to stalk you and make you dependent on me, but I felt this need to protect you and hold you close. I needed to take away the sadness I saw in your eyes. I needed you to heal, and I needed to be the one that helped you achieve wellness.
"I know that you don't believe me, but I do love you—I am in love with you. I still want to be your protector, only now I understand that it's not something I can make you give me. I know now to be your true protector you will have to allow me to be that for you."
Bella looks into my eyes before closing hers. "Edward, I need time. I don't know if I can trust you again—please don't ruin what we have."
I nod my head at her. The rest of the night Bella and I tell other stories about our past. Some stories we share are sad, and some are good—but we talk. When I fall into bed that night after taking her home, I smile the first real smile since that first morning I woke up alone.
The second half of Bella's pregnancy goes by fast, and Bella calls me in the early hours of the morning to tell me that she's gone into labor.
I arrive at the hospital at the same time Emmett pulls up with Rose and Bella. I smile seeing an early pregnant Rose step out before Bella and follow her.
It does not take long for us to get into the labor room, along with our two appointed midwifes.
"Holy hell, they weren't half kidding when they said this would be painful."
I keep rubbing Bella's back as she doubles in pain.
"You're doing great Bella; it is almost time to push."
I hold back my chuckle as Bella imitates the midwife who has been saying the same thing for past two hours.
"I swear if she says that one more time or gives me that big smile saying I'm doing great, one more time—and don't even get me started on the way she is constantly flirting with you."
I smile at Bella. "She was not flirting with me ..."
Bella cuts me off by growling at me. "Yeah she was! Just because we're not a couple, doesn't give her the right to do that shit. We're having a fucking baby together. She can at least wait until I've given birth before she tried to drag you off to her bed."
I shake my head at Bella. "Nope it would happen anyway. I'm here for you and my daughter—no one else matters to me."
It takes another four hour before Carla is born weighing a whopping nine pounds and three ounces. I smile holding my daughter as Bella sleeps in the bed beside me.
We're still only friends and we have built up a good relationship between us. I know she has fully forgiven me for what I did, but still remembers it. Kate thinks we have made great progress and has cut down our visits to once every other month.
Over the last few months I have allowed Bella to get to know the real me. Strangely she seems to like me just as much if not more, than when I tried to be perfect. Hell I'm certain she likes this me better. I still love her, and I want her to be mine. I know that for her to be fully mine she has to give herself to me willingly—knowing the true me.
I place Carla back in her bed giving her a kiss before kissing Bella's head. Her eyes open looking at me.
"Shh, Bella go back to sleep. I'm going to go home for a while. Carla is changed and asleep in her crib. I will see you tomorrow."
Back to the present time
"Wakey, wakey, time."
I rub my face looking at Emmett. I roll looking at the time and see it is close to one in afternoon. I know I have two hours to get ready for the car to pick me up.
"Here's your breakfast," Emmett says as he places a tray down on my bed.
"Thanks Emmett, why didn't you wake me up earlier?"
Emmett takes a bite of his toast. "You've not been sleeping the last few nights. I figured you needed it, besides I did everything that needed to be done. All you need to do is eat your breakfast, get bathed, and dressed."
I smile at him shaking my head. "What would I do without you, Emmett?" I roll my eyes seeing the big grin come across his face. I cut him off before he can give me a cheeky answer. "I really mean it Emmett, you saved me that day. I really owe you everything. Thank you for being there for me, and helping me through these last two years. Hopefully we have many more to come."
I watch as a small blush comes over Emmett's face and he nods his head at me. "Don't mention it Eddie, besides I have a lovely boy thanks to you—well to your money," Emmett chuckles out. "Not only did Rose get to carry him, but he's mine too and that's really something."
I nod my head at him.
"Okay enough of the pussy girl shit, go and get bathed, because you stink."
I chuckle as I walk into my bathroom. I get shaved then lay in my bath. After I feel that I am relaxed enough I get out, shower, and wash my hair. After toweling dry, I get dressed.
"I didn't think I would like this, but I do."
I look around at Emmett, and I smile nodding my head at him. I know he is not used to seeing me in my Scotland tartan.
"Edward, you know I put clean boxers out for you—there is no need for you to have a dirty pair on."
I shake my head at him. "I am a true Scot man—that means I don't wear them under my kilt."
Emmett eyes widen as he looks at me then to the window.
"But it is freezing out there? Are you nuts—no wait we already know the answer to that one."
I look at Emmett shaking my head. "I am secure with my equipment that I know even in this cold weather I still have loads to show, if any one wants to look and see it."
Emmett stares at me for a few minutes before dropping his boxers in front of me with a huge smile. "Hey this is pretty cool and I feel really—free."
I laugh as Emmett leaves the room. I pin on my boutonniere on the lapel of my jacket. I look at myself in the mirror; this is the first time in over twenty years I have worn a kilt. I was glad that I was able to get The Cullen tartan made and even got the Cullen crest placed on the sporran.
"Edward the car is here," Emmett calls.
I take a few deep breaths and walk out with Emmett getting into the car. It takes us a bit to arrive at Brodick Castle. I walk to the room taking my seat with Emmett next to me.
"You need to breathe Edward we can't have you passing out on us. Just relax okay I've got your back, just remember that." I nod my head at Emmett closing my eyes hoping the techniques Tanya taught me will help to keep me calm.
"Hello Edward, hello Emmett."
I look behind me and see Jasper and Alice. I give them a smile as they take a seat behind me. I look to the back of the room see Rose and baby Dean making their way toward us.
I smile and chuckle seeing Dean in the exact same tartan kilt outfit as his father and I.
"You have to tell me where you got that, he looks so cute," I say, holding out my hands taking him.
"You are so much more handsome than your daddy," I coo at the baby.
Dean just smiles at me and gives his baby giggle. "Da-da-da da-da," he starts to chant and I laugh handing him over to Emmett before looking back at Rose.
"You look beautiful too, Rose."
Rose rolls her eyes at me. "Show time in five minutes, I'm dropping him off so I could walk with Carla." Rose smiles at me. "She's going to take your breath away, they both are. Just relax and just take deep breaths."
I nod my head at her and she leans over giving Emmett and Dean a kiss.
"My wife is sooo sexy, and fuck she's gonna kill me, but she's pregnant again."
I look at him in shock, not thinking it was possible without treatments.
"She told me not to tell anyone until after today," Emmett says looking a little pale.
"I'm pleased for you Emmett, really I am. I swear to act surprised when she tells us."
Emmett nods his head at me. I see a movement in front of me and look up to see a gentleman standing at the table in front of me.
"This is it, it is time," I hear from the man.
The music starts and Emmett and I stand up. I look to the back of the room and watch Bella come into view. I scan her up and down seeing she's wearing a very elegant white wedding dress. Behind her is Rose with Carla on her hip, she too is wearing a lovely white dress. I smile knowing that I am about to marry my soul mate. I can't help but think back to when Bella gave me a second chance at be her partner in life.
One Year previously.
I was driving home after spending the day with Carla and Bella. As the light changed to green I start to move. I am only about half way across the road when a car slams into the side of me. Sudden pain shoots up the side of my body and everything goes black.
I am fully awake by the time I reach the hospital. I have a dislocated shoulder, two cuts, which need stiches, a large cut down my side, and smaller one on my head. Due to the fact that I was unconscious when the paramedics arrived they said they wanted me to stay overnight. I called Emmett to let him know and tell him since it was so late not to wake Bella.
The next morning Bella call's me. I can hear how upset she is, and I try to reassure her that I am okay. I tell her I just want to go home and sleep it off. After an hour on the phone she lets me go. Emmett is on his way to take me home, and she's dealing with my car. Bella wanted to do something, and I figured it would be easier and less time for her to get my things from the car—plus Emmett could help me walk easier than she could.
The next night I was woken by someone banging on my door. When I answered it, I found a crying wet Bella at my door. As soon as the door was open enough Bella jumped into my arms. It took me almost two hours to calm her down.
She told me that she had a nightmare that I had died. I tried to reassure her that I was fine, just a little banged up—but was okay and not going to die on her.
That night she fell asleep in my arms, she had a death grip on me so I had no choice but to lay with her. The next morning Bella went home still upset. Emmett came over and gave me pictures of the accident. It was then that I knew what had gotten Bella so upset. If you looked at the photo you would have thought the person in it had died.
I went straight to Bella to tell her again I was sorry. I should never have allowed her to take care of the car for me—more so knowing that her mom died in a car accident.
Again I was greeted by her jumping in to my arms. After that things slowly changed. We became more like a couple, and it took me a month to ask her what we were to each other. Bella looked at me in shock, but then shrugged her shoulders saying whatever we were we were doing fine—and she wanted to see where it led. She was clear that she didn't want to date anyone or for me to date anyone until we figured out together what we wanted. I smiled and brought her toward me, and we shared our first real kiss that night.
It took two months before we had sex again and another six months before I asked her to be my wife. Of course she said yes. So here we are three months later getting married.
"You may kiss your bride."
I smile at Bella before pulling her toward me kissing her with all my love and passion.
The rest of the night goes well and Bella and I have a great time. At the end of the night we both give Carla a kiss as she heads away with Emmett, Rose, and Dean. I chuckle picking Bella up, and carrying her to our bridal suite.
"I really fucking love you, and I can't wait to have another baby with you. But, until we're ready I'm going to love practicing with you."
I feel Bella chuckle as she places open mouth kisses on my neck. "I ready for it now, more so now that I know Rose is going to have another one. I think it would be good for our children to have such wonderful play-mates."
I smile at her. "I take it that Rose couldn't keep her mouth shut either?"
Bella shakes her head at me. "You sure you want to be a stay-at-home dad? I mean that will be four children you'll be looking after if you get me pregnant? I mean Rose and I would go back to work, that is a lot of little ones to watch after."
"There is nothing in this world that I would rather do than stay at home and watch over our clan, while you go to work every day, my love." When we got back together I decided to retire fully.
My father never spent any time with me when I was younger and I wanted my child to have something I never had. I had been working for a straight twenty years already. I wanted to see my children grow up. Bella only works twenty hours a week, and Emmett has taken over the running of my company. Rose is his secretary and I have been looking after Dean for them.
I smile down at my lovely wife and kiss her soundly. "Oh I will get you pregnant Mrs. Cullen—soon, and a few times after that too—if I have my way."
I pick up my beautiful loving bride and place her upon the bed. After a slow process of removing our clothing and placing it safely over the back of the chair, I move over her.
"You make me complete and I never believed that I deserved this kind of fulfillment in my life. Our daughter and the gift of you willingly loving me is what gives me the reason to live. You are my life, and I worship you—the way a man should worship the best thing in his life."
As I enter my wife for the first time in our wedded bliss, I know that nothing can or could ever take away this feeling of pure love and joy coursing through my heart.
A/N: Nikky and I hope that you enjoyed the conclusion to this story. Thank you for reading and reviewing.