Blank silver eyes stared blankly up at the white ceiling, his chest sucking in a deep breath as he sight for what felt like the hundredth time during the day, let alone with week.
Since his stupid decision, the tension had been unbearable; Lavi avoided everyone and everything in the house, Kanda the same. At dinner, and only when Lenalee all but forced them to eat together, it was the most awkward thing the young man had ever encountered. All through dinner, Kanda and Lavi glared at each other at opportune moment, neither of them doing any more than moving the food across the plate, Allen doing the same save for the murderous glares.
He had ruined everything. By one stupid mistake, he had ruined everything.
His body rolled over to its side, his tears long since cried out of him, his heart still hurting.
Sitting up at the sound of his friend's voice, the young man moved towards the door, his hand pulling it open to reveal Lenalee standing in front of him, her hands nervously wringing.
"H-Hey," she stammered, her nervousness evident in her body language.
"Hey…" Allen nodded, his own throat swallowing thickly.
"So, look," Lenalee started, "I decide when you and Lavi started dating, that it was none of my business," she sucked in a deep breath, "but now I'm making it my business. What the hell is going on with you guys?!"
"Wh-What do you… um…"
"Don't," she started, clearly not fooled by Allen playing dumb, "truth, out, now."
"And an explanation that involves Kanda too. I know he's involved."
Though taken aback, Allen allowed his friend into his bedroom to relay the tale of how he was an idiot and managed to screw up not only one relationship, but three; leaving out of course the sex.
In telling his story, Lenalee's face turned from determined to shocked, her lips slacking as her mouth opened, her body leaning back away from Allen as she digested the news.
"So long story short," the young man whispered, "I'm a greedy idiot that managed to screw everything up between Kanda and Lavi and Lavi and me and Kanda and me," he sighed deeply, "I'm on a demon's watch list."
Absorbing the silence, Lenalee bowed her head, looking at the sheets under her legs, her fingers plucking the fabric.
"Look like you have a lot of mess to clean up."
Silver eyes turned to look at the young woman, her eyes narrowing slightly.
"No shit," Allen murmured, "but… every time I go to talk to Kanda he goes away and Lavi is only visible for thirty seconds at most," he ran his fingers through his hair, "not that I blame them."
"Well all this moping around is doing nothing to rectify this situation," she stated the obvious, her arms crossed over her chest, "I think you need to go back to the doctor."
"Because the old you would never just sit here and wallow in his pity-"
"The old me also wouldn't have screwed around on Lavi!" the young man retorted, "the old me-the old wasn't this disgusting thing-"
"So why'd you do it?"
It was Allen's turn to still at a comment, his head lifting from his hands to look at the other's purple eyes. Though there were clearly angered, it was obvious that she was concerned for her friend's feelings.
"I… I don't know," he admitted, "when I got my memories back… I just had Kanda being nice to me… it made me feel good and warm…" he swallowed thickly, "better than when Lavi was with me, but when I was with him, I felt like I was with more of a friend than anything else…"
"But you tried," Lenalee informed him, "you tried."
Allen said nothing as he mulled over the words, his eyes flickering around the room.
She was confused as he suddenly stood his hands reaching for his bedroom door.
"You should've come in and kicked me in the ass sooner," he grinned, "because Lavi deserves more than just try."
A stone splashed into the water after having skipped over the water five times. So far, it was not a record for the redhead, but it was better than his other throws that had landed with a 'plunk' after he threw it as hard as he possibly could.
Crunching underfoot, the feet moved over the rocks as his fingers searched for the smoothest and flattest pebble he could find.
The head turned to look at the young man approaching him, his lips pulling into an awkward smile as he moved down towards the quarry.
"You always went here when you were pissed," Allen commented as he took a seat on the grassy hillside, "figured to look here…"
Still Lavi kept his mouth shut, his hand lobbing the stone before he flicked it out towards the horizon, the stone skipping a few feet before joining its brethren at the bottom of the quarry.
"You never told me why you like this place," the younger continued, his eyes glued to the water, "though I'd have to guess because it's quiet."
Finally Lavi turned to him, his feet moving over the small pebbles towards Allen, his head hung and his face one of misery.
"What'd you wanna talk about?" the elder asked, his body plopping down next to the younger.
"Well, I don't know," Allen started, "the weather is a good topic, the upcoming school year," he shrugged, "but I think the elephant in the room might be a bit of a better idea."
Searching the silver with his emerald, it was Lavi who broke the eye contact, his shoulders sagging as he sighed deeply.
"If you want me to forgive him, it's not gonna happen," Lavi muttered bitterly.
"Well it should," the younger started, his throat swallowing thickly, "it's my fault."
"Your brain is muddled-"
"Don't get mad at him," Allen murmured, "it's my fault… because it straightened out two weeks ago."
Lavi just stared at the younger in disbelief, his jaw slacking as Lenalee's did.
"So you knew," he whispered, "and just-"
"Don't leave before you hear me out!" the younger interrupted him, "yes, I am a disgusting creature and yes, I deserve to be left on a stake to rot but," he held up his hand, "it's not Kanda's fault."
"He went along with it," Lavi interjected bitterly as he threw yet another stone into the water.
"Cause he thought I was serious-well… I was… for a time," the younger swallowed thickly, "but… he only did it cause of me."
"So it's my fault!"
Both young men looked at each other for a moment longer, before Allen decide to press on.
"If you're looking for a good reason why I did what I did, you won't find one," he swallowed thickly, "but…"
"You've always liked Kanda."
Silver eyes widened in surprise, Lavi seeming to deflate in front of Allen's eyes.
"Yeah," Allen whispered, "I… I really do…"
"Enough to try that, apparently," Lavi muttered while it was the younger's turn to sink lower.
"Yeah," he nodded pathetically, "enough to try that…" his throat forced down his sixteenth lump of the day, "I don't know what pushed me to do that… I really don't."
"You must have some idea," the elder pressed.
"I just wanted to know… I wanted to know if he was just acting that way because he thought my brain had been through the equivalent of a blender."
Lavi hummed as he nodded, his fingers turning the stone over.
"You really love him, don't you?" Lavi dared to asked, his heart seemingly worried for the answer.
"Would… would you hate me… if I told you I think I did?" Allen asked, his hands tucking under his knees as they were brought up to his chest.
"Only if you tell me," the elder started, "why did you… why did you agree to go out with me?"
Allen froze slightly, swallowing thickly as he looked to the filled quarry, his feet shuffling slightly.
"I-I figured nothing would come out of crushing on Kanda so-so I-I thought… i-if I could maybe love someone else… then it might hurt less," he smiled weakly, "I know… it sounds abnormally pathetic."
"Yeah… it does," Lavi agreed, his voice monotonous.
"Lavi," the younger whispered, "I… you weren't a fall back option," his silver eyes flickered to him, pleading that the other believed his sincerity, "it was because it was you that I wanted to go out with you."
His red eyebrow rose as he peeked to the other.
"You're smart and nice to me," Allen rested his cheek on his knee, "not to mention you're gentle… kinda funny-"
"Kinda!" Lavi protested, "I'm always funny!"
"Right," the younger whispered sarcastically, his head nodding in disbelief before his smile faltered. "Look" he started, "I couldn't fall in love with you Lavi," Allen sighed softly, "if I couldn't want for someone like you… I'm in too deep…"
Like Allen, Lavi's joking nature faltered as he turned to look out over the quarry, his body rolling to lounge on the grass.
"I guess… I sort of knew…"
Looking over the redhead, the emerald eyes now searching the sky as though it held all the answers he needed in the world.
"He's always had eyes for you," Lavi mumbled, "and you for him so… I guess, when I asked you out and you said yes… I couldn't believe it."
"So… you asked me out so he couldn't?" Allen pieced together, his face confused while Lavi nodded.
"Guess that's what it boils down too," he confessed, "I mean, I liked you too but I didn't know if it was friend-like or… something more," his shoulders shrugged, "I wanted to know if there was more there. I didn't want to lose anything without trying."
"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all eh?" the younger murmured.
"I didn't want to lose you… knowing I could've had you," his fingers ran through the red strands, "guess I know what it feel like to really screw up in the matters of love too…"
"So… we're both little shits," Allen sighed, "what do we do now?"
"Dunno," the elder shrugged, "we could always commit seppuku…"
"Honour suicide," Lavi explained, "Japanese term."
"Wouldn't it hurt?" the younger asked.
"I don't think so," the green eyes turned to the sky, "I mean, you'd be dead right?"
"You stick a sword through your stomach and bleed to death, of course it'll hurt dumbass!"
Both heads turned to look at the young man standing behind them, his hands in the pockets of the dark coat as he stood behind them, his cobalt eyes looking over the two of them lounging on the hillside.
"Hey…" Allen whispered, his eyes unable to meet Kanda's directly.
Grunting as he nodded to the younger, his attention turned to Lavi, whose joyous nature seemed to fade at the sight of the young Japanese man.
"Lenalee told me you were all out here," Kanda explained, "figured it was the best time to talk…"
"Well, Allen just admitted that he played us like a deck of cards to get what he wanted," Lavi started, "and I've confessed to the fact that I tried to steal him away from you," he looked up at Kanda, "so; what's your confession."
The dark orbs flickered from one to the other, Allen understanding his discomfort as Kanda wasn't one for honesty or confessions.
"I didn't do anything to be vindictive or cruel," Kanda started, "but… I didn't hate it…"
Silver eyes focused on Lavi's reaction to the news, the emotion unreadable as he stood, the two other young men surprised when he bleated out a laugh.
"I know you didn't," he turned to Kanda, the tears in his eyes unmistakeable, "and, I know Allen didn't mean for everything to go so wrong. I'm also thinking that you were the honourable person that you are and said no every step of the way."
"He did," Allen interjected softly, his eyes meeting Kanda's, "when my brain really was addled… you kept trying to tell me… I was just too damn stubborn."
"Well… thanks… Kanda," Lavi smiled softly, his throat thick, "look… I'll let you two talk…"
"I'll be back at the house," the redhead nodded, "we can all talk… or shout… there."
Allen wished that Lavi had stayed, the tension now between them nearly unbearable for the younger.
"You already know you were wrong," he interrupted, "but… I know I was too," Kanda sucked in a deep breath, "as much as I hate him, Lavi's a good friend," his head tilted slightly, "and… as much as I said it… I don't hate you," his eyes flickered away from the mercury, "sort of the opposite," his eyes returned to Allen's, "but that doesn't mean-"
"Believe me, if I were you I'd be a hundred yards away from me," Allen smiled weakly before he looked back to the grass, "I thought you'd still hate me…"
Silently, Kanda moved to the younger, his hand outstretched for the younger to take.
"You're always going on about talking," Kanda murmured as the younger pulled his body up off the ground with his aid, "why don't I give it a try with you before we see where this goes."
Ahem... how'd it go? Reviews please ^^