Well hello there! :D I know, I know, I have two other fics to update and I've had an 8 month hiatus... *hides behind shield* forgive me?
Anyway, I've recently got back into Bleach and it is so good! Serious love to Tite Kubo for his awesomeness (Except when he nearly killed off Byakuya. Man was I pissed.)
Credit for this idea goes to the lovely Midnas Wolf ( u/3070528)! Seriously guys, if you're a Hetalian go read her Fandom series. It's awesome. It inspired this.
Anyway, this is satire based on the Bleach fandom and its general insanity. I hope you enjoy! :)
Please note: the OCs are slightly ridiculous for a reason. Any similarity to people dead/alive etc is unintentional.
Warning: swears, suggestive material, pairing bashing etc.
I don't own Bleach or any products mentioned in this fic. However I do own the OCs.
"You have actually got to be kidding me," I said incredulously. "No, seriously. You're joking."
"'Fraid not Liss," came the near apologetic reply. "It's a flame."
Some absolute arse had flamed my fic. Flamed. I shook my head, gritting my teeth. Nope, didn't help.
"Grrrrrraaaahhh!" I yelled before slamming my head onto keyboard. My mouse fell to the floor with a clatter. "Ouch." Mo's laughter echoed from the speaker of my phone.
Moira Adams was my best friend and quite possibly one of the most annoying people I knew. She was intelligent (sort of) and pretty (slightly), basically one of those people you saw in a group and wanted to talk to.
Of course, once you actually had talked to her you wanted to run away as far and as fast as you could in the opposite direction.
Because the girl just could not stop complaining. She would not shut up. She would criticise and self-obsess and moan and complain until you felt like throwing yourself in front of the nearest truck. I honestly did not know how we remained friends, but somehow we clicked. I must admit most of the time I just tuned her out and nodded in all the right places, just listening enough to know what topic she was on. And yet we were still best friends.
Sighing, I sat back up in my chair and reached down to grab my mouse. My forehead was killing me. "Mo, never headdesk your keyboard. It hurts like hell."
"No shit Sherlock," she said sarcastically. "So what're ya gonna do about the flame?" I stretched back, wriggling my toes as I thought.
"I am going to be the bigger woman," I declared loudly. "I-" I was interrupted by a knock on the door to my room.
"Alyssa? Are you okay dear?" I nearly groaned. It was my Mother. Yes, capital M.
"I'm fine Mother!" I called back. Of course that didn't stop her from opening the door.
"Are you sure dear? I heard this awful crash... And where did that bruise come from?" she asked, walking in and poking my forehead with her plastic nail.
"Owie... I, um, tripped and hit my head on my keyboard?" Her raised eyebrows stopped me in my tracks. "I got flamed and headdesked. I've seriously got a bruise?"
"Aw dearie..." Mother pulled me into a hug, enveloping me in a cloud of Obsession. Once again, she had too much perfume on for a Sunday morning when she had nowhere to go. "It's okay, they'll get their just rewards. Karma's a bitch. And it's only a little one, nothing some concealer won't fix." She released me, smiling brightly and brushing some of my hair behind my ear. "Now I've got to finish this report so I'll see you later, okay?" And she was gone in a flash of green eyes and a clattering of her heels, pulling the door shut behind her. I stared at the door.
"Liss?" Mo's voice pulled me back to reality.
"Yeah sorry. Had the daily interaction with Mother," I said by way of explanation. "Why the hell is she wearing her stilettos indoors?"
"No idea," Mo said dismissively. "But anyway, have you read the latest chapter of Bleach?"
"What? Yes of course I have, don't be silly. But seriously, stilettos? Has she any idea what that'll do to the floor?" I was still stuck on the idea of Mother wearing heels indoors.
"Alyssa?! Hello?" Mo yelled through the speakers. "Earth to Alyssa!"
"Sorry, I'm still stuck on the idea of Mother Teresa wearing heels indoors..." I giggled. I could hear the suppressed laughter in Mo's voice.
"It is a little weird, even for her. Anyway, the Bleach chapter. Did you see that adorable Orihime? She's so kawaii..." Mo near squealed. I snorted.
"Kawaii my arse. She's freaking annoying," I growled, turning back to my computer and shaking the mouse. At some point during Mother's entrance it had gone to sleep. I didn't blame it.
"It's not her who's annoying, it's that freaking Renji character that's annoying. I mean who does he think he is, swanning around the place with that huge embarrassment for a sword... He can't even fight properly!" I sighed, tuning out her rant and scrolling through the reviews on my fic.
"I bet they're an IchiHime shipper," I said suddenly, interrupting Mo mid-rant.
"Eh?" Her confusion was evident.
"My flamer. I bet they're an IchiHimi shipper who flamed because my fic is IchiRuki," I explained, clicking on the flamer's profile. "Let's see... Yep, there you go! Favourite pairing: IchiHime. Hated pairing: IchiRuki. Obvious nutter..."
Mo sighed. "Liss, just because you don't like the pairing doesn't mean you can hate people who do."
"Back at ya," I said with a massive grin on my face, knowing she couldn't see it. "You being the one who threatened to kill that girl cosplaying as Renji at the con." I could just imagine the look of rage on her face.
"That was different, Alyssa. She was deliberately antagonising me and I retaliated. In character."
"Of course, it didn't have anything to do with your Renji hatred and that she wanted a photo with you. And Byakuya would never threaten to kill Renji in such a loud voice," I said with a laugh.
"You gotta be nicer to the Renji fans, Mo. Or karma will come and bite you in the arse."
"Yeah, sure. Look, Liss, I'm gonna have to go. I've got my cousin coming round in a few minutes," she said abruptly. Ha, she was pissed at me.
"Yeah sure, I'll call you tomorrow. Is it the sexy one?" I teased.
"Pfft, please. He is not sexy. And no, it's the annoying one," she said grumpily. "Anyway, ttfn!" she near sang, any trace of her earlier mood gone.
"Ttfn Mo," I replied, but she was already gone. "Bloody idiot." I checked the call had ended on my phone before plugging it into the charger and returning to my fic.
Ichigo was just slaughtering another hollow when yet another knock on my door sounded. Sweet Tree of Maple, what now?
"Yeah?" I called, minimising Firefox and opening another window. I brought up YouTube as my door opened and feet pattered across my wooden floor.
"Lissy, what do you think?" My sister Fiona was eagerly pushing her drawing tablet under my nose. I sighed and took it from her hands, critically analysing what she had drawn.
"It's... Good," I said lamely. "Who is it?"
"It's Gray!" she crowed excitedly. Dear Lord of Watermelons. You wouldn't think she was nearly twenty and studying Chemical Engineering at university. I nodded slowly, making out I understood.
My sister sighed. "He's from Fairy Tail?" she said as if it would jog my memory.
"Fi, I have not a clue who that is. But even so, it looks good," I smiled at her. She squealed and grabbed her tablet back, practically skipping her way out of my room and slamming the door shut. I heard my brother Jay yell at her from across the hall.
"Whoever's making that goddamn noise, shut up! I'm in the middle of a very delicate operation here, and your stomping is distracting me!"
In other words he's fixing his Xbox controller after he threw it at the wall again, I sighed internally, staring at my fic. Once again my muse had flown out the window, taking my creativity with it. Damn muse. I shut down the computer and pushed off the desk, my wheelie chair carrying me across the room to my mirror.
At least it was supposed to. Instead it collided with my bed, bounced off and nearly threw me to the floor.
Hey, I never said I was well-coordinated alright?
After I managed to reach my mirror with no further minor injuries, I scrutinised my forehead.
I really did have a bruise. Right in the centre of my forehead. The only good think was it coordinated with my head: dark brown hair, brown eyes, big nose, cubic tonne of freckles. I swept my fringe over my forehead.
Now I looked like the Thing from Addams Family.
"ALYSSA? DINNER DARLING!" I checked my watch. Obviously her latest boyfriend had decided to turn up for dinner. Cursing Bradley ("Call me Brad. You're Al, right?") and his infuriating 'early dinner' habit, I stomped my way out of my room to the wonderful soundtrack of Fi and Jay arguing.
I love my siblings. Honest.
"OPPAN GANGNAM STYLE!"
I awoke with a shriek, scrambling away from the noise and glaring at the source. A small radio was laying next to my pillow blaring Gangnam Style at full volume.
"I think that was one of the funniest things I've seen all month," an amused voice cut through my swearing. I turned to glare at the speaker and stopped.
The room was empty, save a black cat sitting on the windowsill. I frowned.
"Shoo kitty, I'm sleeping," I dismissed it before thumping the radio. The music cut off abruptly, silence soothing my battered eardrums. I crawled back over to my bed, pulling the cover off.
The cat was still sitting there.
"For the love of Sado's right fist, will you go away?" I flicked my hand at it in exasperation. The cat lifted its right paw and studied it for a few seconds before giving it a decisive lick. I growled and gave up, flomping back onto the bed.
That was when a few things occurred to me:
1) I was laying on the floor;
2) My posters were no longer on my ceiling;
The most pressing of them however was:
3) Something was sitting on my chest;
Gasping, I struggled upright and stared down.
Okay scratch that. Something wasn't sitting on my chest. Instead I had a slight issue.
Somehow I had grown boobs overnight.
And I don't mean a natural growth. I had gone from fried egg to child's party balloons. They were freaking huge. I poked one. Yep, definitely mine.
Holy son of a shiitake mushroom.
I scrambled up and ran over to the mirror hanging on the wall. How did people manage these things?! The sight that greeted me was disconcerting to say the least.
Really, really long orange hair.
"Good Lord," I said in surprise. "I've turned into Orihime."
A slow clapping came from behind me. I spun around and came face to face with a beautiful dark-skinned woman, purple hair cascading from a ponytail high on her head and golden eyes flashing in amusement.
Oh, and she was completely naked.
"Woah, less of the full frontal if you please!" I cried, covering my eyes. She chuckled, poking me. I opened an eye to see that she had crossed her arms over her... Appendages.
"It's nothing you don't have," she said with a feline grin.
"Whatever," I glowered. "Now who the hell are you? And why is there a naked cosplayer in my room?!" The woman stared at me for a second.
"I'm not a cosplayer. My name is Yoruichi Shihoin," she replied. I snorted disbelievingly.
"You're a crazy naked cosplayer. Now get out before I call the police." I suddenly realised I should have done that to start with. "And how the hell did you get in here anyway?" Yoruichi-cosplayer sighed, suddenly serious.
"What's your name?" she asked abruptly. I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
"Alyssa," I said cautiously. No harm in telling her my first name right? Besides, it might make her leave faster, I thought.
"Alyssa, I am Yoruichi." Her gold eyes bore into mine. "This is Kurakara Town, Japan. You've pissed off someone powerful enough to drag you from wherever you came from into Orihime-san's body. How you did it, I don't know. But you have to accept it and accept it now. Or you won't make it back home.
I looked around the room. I looked in the mirror again. I looked out the window. Finally I looked back at Yoruichi, only to find the black cat from earlier standing in her place.
"This... This is fucked up," I muttered. "Pissed someone off? I... I don't even like Orihime."
"That's why you're here," the cat- no, Yoruichi - said, sitting on the floor and curling her tail around her body. "Someone wants you to live in her body for a while, see what her life is truly like."
"B-but..." I stuttered, my brain struggling to cope with this new information. "Mo's the one who attacked the Renji cosplayer! Karma was meant to bite her arse, not mine! WHY ME?!"
"Simple," Yoruichi said. "Byakuya-boy's safe around you."
She had a point.
Fuck my life.
N.B. This is set after the time-skip, but before the Quincy attack.
So tell me what you think? :) For those of who have read Fangirl or Fanboy, it's not going to be a straight copy don't stress :) I'd love it if you reviewed but I'm not going to badger you about it xD
Also I will be looking for a beta for this, so if you're interested let me know?