One minute it was silence, suddenly the room was filled with noise alarms and monitors going off beeping everywhere watching as the nurses rush in, looking at the machine, the lines are flat "No" not really hearing the voices as you are being ushered outside, watching helplessly from the door as the crash cart is brought in, watching as they put the pads on the chest. After the first jolt watching as the body jerks up and back down, the eyes wide open not being able to watch anymore, watching as the nurses try to revive them the line still flat, moving away from the room rubbing the hands through their hair and across the face "no", feeling a pair of arms around them.

Moving into the waiting room, the wait agonising have they revived them, please let the answer be yes, how long has it been the news can't be good if it has taken that long, feeling a hand reach out squeezing theirs, no you can't do nothing, you have to do something, moving out of the waiting room back down the corridor seeing the nurses come out looking up at them hope in their eyes "were you….." taking a deep breath "were you able to" seeing them nod, tears of relief in your eye "we have a heart beat again, Tash will be in to see you all shortly" looking at the nurse, what did that mean they had restarted the heart wasn't that enough, didn't that mean they were still alive.

No one had moved since they had first arrived, waiting for news, waiting for some hope, she wished she had better news for them, she wished she didn't have to tell them what she did, she knew how much she meant to them all especially Josh "we're running more tests but it looks like the organs are shutting down and the brain function isn't too good, the machines at the moment are keeping them alive but for how long".

Watching as Josh listens before following him out of the room, following him she knew he would take it badly, blaming himself.

Watching as Tash walks out of the room, the mouths open of everyone of them, there eyes moving around looking at each other, she has to pull through, why did any of this have to happen, she was strong, she would pull through she just had too. "What about James, someone has to tell James" looking at Stella "he's on his way back, the police should be at the airport now, picking him up, he has priority to get off the plane first"

Looking down at her hands, fiddling, Stella would hate to be in James' s position looking at Lawson, he was distraught, turning away, a tear forming on her face, she couldn't imagine TR without Kerry

Getting up off the chair away from the others, he has to see her again, sit next to her, she can't be by herself, walking away he doesn't even hear Shannon's voice "Lawson"

.

Sitting by her bed, holding her hand, why didn't he do something, why did he sit and watch it all happen, he should of tried something anything, he should of tried harder, he should of tried to stop Boyd taking her into the room, watching every time she came out weaker and weaker she became he knew she was trying to be strong and brave, but she was in pain so much pain, he wanted to take it all away to make it better, he wants her to wake up to look at him to say anything. Suddenly the machines go off, filling the room with noise, watching as the nurses rush in.

Watching the nurses revive her, the machines beeping everywhere his eyes wide in shock pacing around the front of the ICU watching as the paddles jolt her chest up and back down, the line still flat, rubbing his hand across his face "no"

Looking at her lying on the bed, looking so peaceful her chest rising and falling looking like she's breathing on her own, she's dying you can't deny it any longer and there is nothing you can do about it. The machines breathing for her, wanting to will her to live to fight, not to give up, the toll of everything, he had won after it all Boyd had taken her away from him from all of them.

Taking her hand pressing it against his cheek, they had been together once after Grace died for a short period of time, he would always have a soft spot for her. Looking at her chest rising and falling he knew it wasn't good news he could tell by the looks the doctors gave each other, what Tash said, she was losing the battle why was it the one battle she had to lose was this, he would give anything to have her live wanting to scream at her not to give up to fight it.

The tears not able to be held in as the fall freely, he had loved her even now his feelings for her were strong, holding her hand kissing it "don't give up you can't leave, you can't let him win come one Kerry, you need to fight, you need to pull through, I can't lose you Kerry I just can't."

Standing at the door watching her boyfriend, trying to keep it together, the leader of Tactical Response the only time he had questioned that was with Andrew Kronin escaping and the shooting on the bus, she had seen him but not able to help him then, Jacinta was with him then. Walking up closer to Lawson resting her hand on his shoulder, showing him she was here for him.

Feeling a hand on his shoulder, interrupting him from his pain and grief, his eyes fixed on the movement of her body her hair away from her face, wanting to reach out and stroke her face, not able to move not wanting to move "Shan, please just go".

Standing on the spot looking at Lawson and back to the bed leaning down closer to him "it's not your fault Lawson, don't blame yourself. There was nothing you could of done to prevent this, you did everything you could to help her, she was lucky you stopped by her place" He wouldn't call it lucky none of this was luck it was bloody awful and he could of done more he was sure he could of prevented it "Lawson your still recovering, let me take you back to your room" Shaking his head his voice firm staring at the bed "I'm not leaving … just go, just leave me alone"

Starting to walk out of the room, blocking her out not blaming him, she couldn't imagine the pain he was going through, she knew they had something special "I'll be in the waiting room".

James was on his way back to Melbourne he had been on holidays and finally had gotten a flight home, due any time now someone from the police force picking him up taking him straight away to the hospital how was he going to cope with seeing his mum here like this, would a miracle happen how he wanted to believe it.

….

Looking at Kerry, her hand still in his, reaching down, brushing her hair away gently her face still bruised, he would never forget that night, every time he closes his eyes the memories are there, the feeling of helplessness, it was like he was reliving it all over again.

Pulling her off the lounge feeling her resist, hitting her across the face with his hand, and in the stomach, he had to get up to try to stop her watching as Boyd pulled the gun shooting him in the leg "do that again and I'll shoot him again" the pain he felt was nothing compared to watching as he drags her towards the bedroom downstairs.

Seeing the door close, no noise made from the bedroom, he knew Kerry was a strong person, but how much could she put up with. He had a pretty good guess what was going on in the bedroom how he wish he didn't or could do anything to help her.

Watching as the door opens, feeling so helpless wanting to go and help Kerry or even call for help watching as she walks out, closing his eyes, wanting to punch or even kill Boyd looking at her face bloodied the pain on her face that she is trying to hide watching as Boyd pushes her towards the lounge seeing her trip over as she falls to the ground watching as Boyd kicks her stomach and chest, not able to watch anymore "Stop it Boyd, can't you see what you're doing to her" all he gets for his outburst is another bullet in the leg.

Whispering "I'm so sorry" seeing her try to give her a small smile

Putting his hand on her arm "we are going to get out of this" he had to believe it, would someone else check on them, if not it wouldn't be till morning and she had to hold on to.

Pulling her towards him wanting to protect her each time he went to stand up or do something he ended up with a bullet in his leg or arm. He was sure he was raping her each time he took her in there, stroking her face "hang in there Kerry, help will be on its way" he was sure of it, if only she could hold out till morning, would Shannon realise, no she probably thought he was keeping her company.

Each time he saw the bedroom door open and Kerry being pushed or dragged out he didn't want to watch or see, he could see her getting weaker and weaker and looking worse, her face bloodied, her eyes starting to close and face starting to swell up, her clothes were hanging on her in parts, he saw it was taking all her effort just to walk to the lounge, stroking her head "I'm so sorry Kerry" and he was he wished it wasn't happening that he left the front door and got help instead of trying to save her himself.

It was easy to ignore the pain in his leg and arms from the bullets, the pain he was feeling he was sure was nothing compared to what Kerry was going through.

Glancing at his watch, finally he could see the sun start to rise the longest night of his life, each time Kerry was taken away time seemed to stand still until the bedroom door opened again, finally the early hours of the morning it seemed to have stopped.

He would never forget the past day, he would never forget seeing her body as the ambulance arrived, battered and beaten, her face swollen and bloodied, her clothes torn, he could hear her struggling before being silenced. He would take her into the bedroom for a while and each time she was dragged back to the lounge, the fire going from her face each time and there was nothing he could do about it, that was the worse part.

….

Walking into the hospital the police car dropping him off at ICU, walking quickly inside looking around he sees the team in the waiting room "What's going on, what happened to mum, how is she?"

Getting off his seat, how was he going to tell James, what was he going to tell James, Josh had no idea "James, Your mum is in ICU, she is …" how can he say it, how can he say that she might not make it. "Josh just tell me, is she going to be Ok" shaking his head slightly "We don't know"

Walking into the room Tash sees someone there "what is happening to my mum?" walking closer to her "I'm sorry James the news isn't good, the swelling on the brain hasn't gone down like we had hoped, she is" interrupting her "I want to see her" nodding at James "before I take you to see her, I need to tell you, her face is badly swollen, her whole body is bruised, she has broken ribs, you need to be prepared, I'm sorry James, her organs are starting to shut down and the brain function is diminishing" looking at the doctor his mouth open "what does that mean" her mouth open, how can she tell him "that is looks like her body is shutting down, she has limited brain function, I'm sorry James she is dying"

Staring at Tash, did he hear her right, did she say Kerry was dying moving forward grabbing her by the shirt "No, no, you can't let her die, you have to save her" shaking her shirt "She can't die she can't die" feeling a pair of arms around him, pulling him off Tash, no he can't lose her.

It had all seemed so surreal, but watching James grief stricken voice, him moving towards Tash, him crying out biting their lips, the tears coming to their eyes, they had all controlled it for so long, but seeing his raw emotion showing, the fact that Kerry was his mother, it was more than a colleague or boss moving forward Stella pulls him away from Tash.

Pushing away from Stella "I need to see her" seeing Tash nod, he follows her out of the room.

Standing at the door way staring in, all hooked up to tubes and monitors, seeing Lawson sitting next to her holding her hand, walking tentatively into the room, no matter what Tash said he wasn't prepared for this "who did this to her, I'm going to make sure they pay for this"

Turning around, Lawson sees James there "James they have been arrested, they will not get away with it."

Walking close to Kerry "How could someone do this to her, why?"

Looking at James, he wishes he could answer that question but he can't, he has no idea what caused Boyd to do this "I wish I knew James, but I don't know"

Getting up off the chair patting James shoulder, as much as Kerry meant to him, she was James mother. Stopping to look at James his voice soft "James, Kerry wanted me to tell you that she loved you" looking up at Lawson nodding his mouth open before turning back to his mum, reaching for her hand, putting his head to her chest, the tears falling from his face, he can't lose her, he just can't she might have been a shit mum but the last few years she was there for him, looking after him, sending him to rehab, but despite it all he loved her, she was his mother.

Looking up as the doctor walks in the face grim before looking back at Kerry "I'm sorry, there is nothing more we can do, we have run tests the only thing keeping her alive now is the ventilator, you need to think about turning it off"