Disclaimer: This is a fan-fiction. I write these for enjoyment and do not gain any money from them, nor do I own any of the characters.

Warning: This story deals with suicide, yaoi implications (meaning man on man) and a lot of misunderstandings. It doesn't follow any part of the Final Fantasy 7 story.

I apologize if the names of some places come up almost right. My PS2 is busted, and I can't play my beloved Final Fantasy 7. L

Somewhat Suicidal

His phone hadn't rung in seven days. Not even a beep to inform him of a text message. And he'd sent several, and tried to call. Every time, the messages bounced back, and the phone line said 'Out of service range or turned off'. It was enough to make him desperate, but after being turned away at the door of the office, he knew something was going on.

Right now, pictures of them when they had been together were scattered over his bed and floor. Some of his favorite moments with his boyfriend, like when they were at Costa del Sol. This particular picture was just after they'd managed to pry a cranky crab off his boyfriend's cheek, there was a big red patch on his face. But his most favorite was resting on the pillow. It had been a recent one, too, and had been photographed by one of his boyfriend's work-buddies. It was just after his boyfriend had asked him to move in with him, to be a steady couple. The cherry trees in the park had been blooming, and a swirl of petals surrounded the happy pair.

It seemed like forever, now. His things were packed, the small amount that there was, except the photos. But he hadn't seen his beloved for over a week, hadn't heard from him, and it made him wonder if he was the only one remaining faithful.

The knife in his hand wavered slightly. He was sure he'd seen his darling, kissing another guy, a few days ago. When he'd tried to call out to them, the pair had run off, like they were afraid he'd seen what they were doing.

Swallowing, he raked the serrated edge over his wrist. He was both frightened and pleased with the thin red line that appeared, dripping his precious life source. He changed hands and cut the other wrist. One left to go, but he'd wait a bit before doing that. He had to make sure that when his body was found, they got the message. Carefully touching the bleeding wrist, he wrote on the wall. He was dizzy when it was over, and fell to the bed. There was sharp pain in his chest, on the right side, and he knew he'd fallen on the knife. Not what had been planned, but it would work. He closed his eyes, letting the world vanish from around him. As he did, he was sure he'd heard someone calling his name.


"Damned phone!" Zackary Fair tossed the phone into the cup holder of his car and sighed. "Guys, I'll be right back."

"Uh-huh." said Genesis, still face-first in his poetry book.

"Whatever." grumbled Sephiroth, who didn't like being jammed in the middle.

"Just be quick, puppy." smiled Angeal. He tried to scoot over to give Sephiroth some space.

Zack hopped out of the car and made his way up to the door to the basement apartment, despite the fact it was at ground level. He was startled to find the door unlocked and just leaned closed. "Cloud?"

There was no answer. Zack stepped in further, noticing that the other three had gotten out of the car after the door had been found open.

Angeal looked at the other two. "Something's not right." he said. Zack's scream brought them running.

"Cloud, no!" Zack put his hand over his lover's wrist, trying to stifle the bleeding. "Cloud!"

Sephiroth came to a stop beside him. Gently, he placed a finger on the pale neck. "He still has a heartbeat." he said. He looked over at Angeal, who was on the phone. "It's alright, Zack. We're getting him help."

Genesis looked at the floor. "The pictures." he muttered. "Huh?" He bent down to look at something that had glinted, only to be faced with something else. It had been a mirror, and he now saw what was written on the wall. "Oh, fuck."

"What is it, Gen?" asked Angeal as he closed his phone.

They all looked where Genesis was pointing. Zack fainted.

'I thOught yoU LoveD me, But I waS wrOnG' was written in bloody letters on the wall.

Just then, the ambulance crew came in. They took Cloud and Zack, fitting both with oxygen masks, but also attaching a blood bag and several monitors to Cloud. Because this was an attempted suicide, the police were there, too, and questioning the remaining trio. It wasn't long before all the photos had been swept up and the bloody bed-linens taken. The wall was photographed, and then everyone was shooed out and police tape was stuck to the door.


Zack woke during the trip to the hospital. If it hadn't been for the restraints, he would have sat upright. Instead, he grunted and managed to call out for the unconscious patient that they were just unloading. "Cloud." he moaned.

"Just rest." said a nurse as they unloaded Zack. "You're in shock, you need to rest."

"Damn it!" Jack cursed. "Where's Cloud?"

"On his way to the ER surgery." the nurse replied. "He's getting help, ok?"

Zack blinked hard. His hyperventilating wasn't aiding his situation any, and he was beginning to see spots in front of his eyes. He barely managed to look over at the nurse before passing out again.

The next time he came to, Angeal was sitting beside him, and he was in a proper hospital bed. He tried to move, but his arm hurt. "What?"

"You needed stitches." said Angeal. He looked at Zack. "There was more than one knife on Cloud's bed, and you found the other one. It wasn't deep, so it should heal quickly."

"Where's Cloud?" Zack asked.

Angeal really didn't want to answer that question. But looking at Zack's face, he knew he'd have to sooner or later. "Next room over." he said. "He's under police watch, because of what he tried to do."

"Does Shin-ra know?"

"Yes. You can thank Sephiroth for getting them to keep Cloud."


"They were going to let him go. Cloud's track record isn't spotless, Zack. Apparently this is his second suicide attempt since joining the infantry."

Zack managed to sit up. "What? But I didn't see it when I looked up his records."

"It's in the Turk records, and the first time was brushed under the rug because of who his companions were at the time."

"Which were?" Zack prompted.

"Reno and Cicnei. They'd gotten drunk, and Cloud almost died of alcohol poisoning. Tseng saved his life."

Zack sighed. "He was supposed to be moving in with me today."

"Yeah, I know."

The nurse walked in just then. "You're free to go. The police would like a word with you, though." she said. She handed Zack some paperwork and then walked away.

Zack sighed and stood up. "Well, might as well talk to them."

"I'll come with you. They can't deny moral support, even though I'll have to be quiet."

He was right. Angeal was quiet through the whole thing, listening carefully to everything that was said.

"So, you know the victim?"


"His name?"

"Cloud Strife."

"Your name?"

"Zackary Fair."

"Your full name."

He sighed. "Zackary Emil Fair." He saw the look on Angeal's face and sighed again.

"Your relation to the victim?"

"He's my boyfriend."

"Anything else?"

"We're co-workers in the loosest sense. I'm SOLDIER, he's infantry."

"So he works for Shin-ra?"


"Were you the one who found the victim?"


"How did you find him?"

"I walked into his apartment . . ."

"Do you have keys to this apartment?"


"How did you get in?"

"The door was ajar."

"So you walked in. . ."

"Yeah, and I called for him. He didn't answer, and I didn't hear the shower running, so I looked for him. I walked into his room and saw him lying on the bed all bloody. I screamed."

"A SOLDIER screamed?"

Zack gave him a look. "I am still human. Vocal chords do still work."

Angeal tried not to laugh.

"So what happened after the scream?"

"I grabbed his wrist, tried to stop the bleeding. Sephiroth checked his pulse, told me he was still alive. I . . . I wanted to take the knife from his chest, but I knew it would cause more trouble. Genesis said something and pointed at the wall. I looked up, then passed out."

"Why did you pass out?"

"Cloud had written something in his own blood before he'd passed out on the bed."

"Do you remember what it said?"

"I thought you loved me, but I was wrong." Zack replied. "He used capitals in a few places. That message was meant for me."

"What did he mean by it?"

Angeal finally spoke up. "That's private, and we have no idea what he meant. He was kind of unconscious when we found Cloud."

"Well we need to know what he could have been referring to."

Angeal frowned. "A kiss." he said. He looked at Zack. "Four days ago, we celebrated Genesis's birthday at a local poetry club and bar. Zack got drunk, so I took him outside for some fresh air. He kissed me."

"So, what does that have to do with this?"

"Cloud was returning from work, and saw it. I saw the shock on his face, saw him run. I told Zack to call him and clear things up."

"I tried." Zack replied. "My cell's been acting up lately, so I figured I'd go over and talk to him today, try and sort out the problem."

"We just have a few more questions." said the officer. "The victim, was he on any medication?"

"Yes." came a voice. Zack and Angeal looked over to see Tseng walk up, file in hand. "And before you can try and call up any legal bull, I'm authorized to be here and to tell you all this is now under Turk investigation. I'll take your notes, please."

The police officer handed over the notes and grumbled as he walked away. Tseng held a hand out to Angeal. "The recorder." he said.

"Not until this is over." said Angeal.

Tseng sighed, but said nothing further.

"What medication was he on?" Zack asked.

"Anti-rejection drugs." Tseng replied. "Low doses to help him adjust." He opened the file in hand. "He was also on anti-depressants, and that was prescribed recently."

Zack looked over at the room where two Shin-ra infantry stood to either side. "Can I see him?"

"Don't see why not." said Tseng. "I will be in to ask him some questions, though."

Zack walked into the room where Cloud lay. He almost choked.

Cloud still had the oxygen mask on his face, and his regular clothes had been replaced with hospital pants. There was tight bandaging across his chest, as well as over both wrists. Zack knew they were just to protect the stitches when Cloud woke. Monitors were still attached to his chest, monitoring Cloud's rapid heart-rate and slow breathing. An IV with medication was in his left arm.

"Hey. I'm sorry I didn't stop by your place sooner. Maybe this wouldn't have happened, then." Zack carefully took Cloud's hand. "You scared me. I don't want to lose you, Cloud. You mean everything to me."

Cloud's eyelids fluttered and opened. He turned his head slightly. "Zack?" he whispered. He still felt so weak. But Zack had actually come, had stopped him from dying. Cloud felt relieved.

"Cloud." Zack held the hand tighter. "Why did you do something so stupid? I was so worried about you."

"I . . . I thought you didn't care." cloud whispered. "That . . . that kiss . . ."

"Was something stupid I did while drunk." Zack gently kissed the bandaged hand. "You know I love only you, Cloud."

"Kay." Cloud noticed Tseng and Angeal standing there. But they were more like blurry shapes. He was getting tired again.

"It's ok, Cloud. I'll try to be here as much as possible."

Cloud smiled slightly before nodding off again.

Zack sat there for a while.

"Zack?" Angeal asked.

"The anti-rejection drugs. They're for Mako poison, aren't they?"

"How did you know?" Tseng asked.

"Cloud always had blue eyes, but they were never this blue. They're too bright." Zack looked at Tseng. "When did this happen?"

"A week ago. He was on a mission with me out near one of the reactors. A monster had tried to attack, and he fired his rifle. Hit the monster, but the recoil sent him backwards into the Mako. I managed to grab his hand, but the rest of him had fallen in. By the time I'd pulled him out, he was drenched in it. He kept coughing and vomiting, so I took him to the Shin-ra clinic. They treated him, then gave him some medication so his body could safely adjust to the Mako it had just absorbed." Tseng sighed. "He was given anti-depressants at the same time, since an over-abundance of Mako in the system can cause depression."

"You don't know his age, do you?" asked Zack.

"Not off hand. Why?"

"Cloud's just barely eighteen. Today was his birthday." Zack sighed. "Anti-depressants only work really for anyone over twenty-one. Otherwise, the hormone imbalance can become too strong and cause suicide." (This is an actual medical fact, at least in Canada)

"Oh." was all Tseng could say.


Cloud looked up at Zack as they walked into the Shin-ra building, about two weeks later. "Are you sure I'm not going to be in the way?" he asked.

"I'm sure." smiled Zack. "Besides, Tseng put in a good word for you."

"About what?" Cloud asked.

"What you did at the reactor. They're letting you try the entrance exam for SOLDIER." Zack smiled.

"Really?" Cloud's bright-blue eyes lit up. "Oh, Zack." He wrapped his arms around his beloved. "I'm going to do my best."