Rules for Arthur
1. Whatever you do, do not eat anything that Arthur cooks
N.B 1: No, it does not matter how upset he looks
N.B 2: You ate it, didn't you? Well, it's your own fault if you have food poisoning
2. Arthur is not allowed to do the cabin addresses
N.B: Yes, he knows why.
3. If you take him for a drink then for the love of all that is holy make sure he only has one, or on your own head be it
N.B 1: Whatever you do, do not let Arthur have peach schnapps.
N.B 2: You let him have peach schnapps didn't you? Run. Run far, run fast.
4. Allow him up in the flight deck during the flight, and join in with one of your word games otherwise he'll get bored and want to play charades. And as you're in aeroplane there will be no escape.
N.B: Also allow him to stay in the flight deck if the passengers are particularly horrible.
5. If Arthur comes into the flight deck upset then you have my express permission to punch the passenger that caused it.
6. If Arthur breaks something then help him to clear it up.
N.B: By 'help clear up" I do in fact mean you clear up any sharp objects, and get Arthur to mop up any spilt liquids
7. Do not let Arthur near sharp objects.
8. Arthur's safety demonstrations are a bit extravagant, but they work.
9. Yes everything is brilliant
N.B 1: Except his dad
N.B 2: The two are to be kept apart...at…all…costs.
10. Let Arthur play in flight games when appropriate
N.B: Appropriate games are as follows
1. The travelling lemon
2. Passenger derby
11. Arthur likes to be surprised when it comes to cargo flights
12. On the lay overs do not let Arthur watch horror movies, if you do then the following steps should get rid of the nightmares.
1. Give him something soft to hold
2. Playing music
3. As a last resort stroke his hair.
13. If I am not on a flight when we have passengers then every once in a while come out of the flight deck and run damage control.
N.B: And, by that I mean get Douglas to do it.
14. Arthur can fit into the flight deck locker; this piece of information may come in handy at some point.
N.B: Do not forget if Arthur is hiding in the locker
15. Arthur is not allowed on flights to Egypt
N.B: Yes, he knows why.
16. If you are the Captain then you are 'Skip'.
17. The decaf coffee is for Arthur; do not mix it up with the caffeinated coffee. Otherwise you'll be scraping him off the ceiling.
18. If I am not on a flight and something goes wrong then Arthur immediately becomes a passenger, and you two become responsible for making sure the passengers are safe and landing the plane.
19. Make sure Arthur doesn't lock himself in the hold.
N.B: Or the loo
20: Related to #1 he is likely to forget what is in the microwave.
21. His birthday is 29th April. You have been warned.
22. If you agree to teach Arthur something then remember that 'patience is a virtue'
23. If you listen carefully enough you should be able to determine what song Arthur is whistling to
N.B: Once you figure it out sing-a-long
24. Do not smoke near Arthur.
25. If he asks just tell him when your birthday is, that way you'll save a lot of time.
26. If you're flying through a thunderstorm
N.B: Do not fly through a thunderstorm unless absolutely necessary, Arthur is afraid of them and GERTI wouldn't fare well in a thunderstorm.
27. Arthur cannot tell a lie
28. Wait for Arthur to finish cleaning the plane; he often forgets to lock up.
29. If Arthur is being quiet then he is feeling ill.
30. Do not insult the hat.
31. Do not let Arthur get involved in a bet.
32. Arthur will eat anything.
33. If Arthur is not smiling then something is very seriously wrong.
34. Arthur is capable of repairing pieces of equipment which fall off in the cabin.
35. Arthur likes to help.
N.B 1: Let him help.
N.B 2: Give really specific instructions
36. Do not attempt to explain how a plane flies
N.B: The aspirin is in the first aid kit.
37. You are always playing yellow car.
38. No, Arthur really does not mind having to sleep on the floor if necessary
39. If there is an important client on board then Arthur is to stay in the flight deck
40. The cheaper cheese i.e. the dairy lee is for Arthur.
41. When watching a film with Arthur make sure it has a simple plotline.
42. Arthur has no known awareness of personal space
43. Keep Arthur away from baggage carrousels
44. The younger pilot will be the one who shares a hotel room with Arthur.
N.B: He usually falls asleep be eleven
45. You can never go wrong with a Disney film
N.B 1: Apart from Bambi, if Arthur watches Bambi then be prepared to deal with a crying Arthur.
N.B 2: Follow the same steps as when Arthur is having a nightmare.