KissMeDeadlyT-T: Sleep deprivation = Ridiculous fic ideas! Yaayyy! :D
I don't own D Gray Man 'cause if I did Lavi would be with Lenalee and Yullen would be canon! Oh, and Tyki and Kanda would be less sexy so my ovaries could stop exploding all the time.
Sometimes, Allen really just wanted to punch Lavi in the face.
Other times, he wanted to punch himself.
Honestly. How had he gotten himself into this mess?
Unfortunately, he knew how, and it was so stupid and cringe-worthy that it made him want to curl up into a ball of angst and drown in self-pitying despair. He had made a bet the other day with Lavi that he could go a whole day without fighting with or getting mad at Kanda, while at the same time spending as much time in the Japanese boy's vicinity as possible. Allen, being the idiot he now truly believed he was, had accepted the bet seeing as how he was a gentleman and therefore obviously had a firm grasp on his temper.
He didn't know how he'd come to that conclusion.
Needless to say, Allen did not last two hours in Kanda's company without snapping and tackling the samurai to the ground and punching and kicking and hell, even biting everywhere he could reach as Kanda did the same right back at him. His shoulder still smarted from where Kanda had landed a rather brutal hit after Allen had roughly yanked on one of the strands of hair framing his face, and the dull pain only served to remind Allen of how pathetically he had lost the bet. He could still see the devilish glee in Lavi's one visible eye when he had walked in on them beating the shit out of each other.
"He started it," Allen claimed immediately, arm still reared back in preparation to punch Kanda in the head.
Kanda, who had his hands wrapped firmly around Allen's neck, tightened his grip and snarled, "Oh, please. You were the one who attacked me, bean sprout."
"Because you provoked me!" Allen tried to bite at Kanda's arm to make him let go but Kanda just gave him a disgusted look and shoved him back. They wrestled for a moment, during which Lavi watched with a sort of perverse interest, and Allen ended up on the ground underneath Kanda, growling up at him. "And don't call me that, you fucking jerk! Get off of me!"
"No," Kanda responded coldly. "I walked by and said, 'What are you doing sitting by this random column alone, bean sprout?' and you flipped. I fail to see how you took that as a provocation."
"You said it in a rude way!"
"I did not. I said it in my normal voice." Kanda sounded like he was debating whether or to just choke Allen to death to shut him up. He was in the perfect position.
Actually, it was a position Allen quite enjoyed, even with Kanda's hands around his throat. He had always been a bit masochistic when it came to him. "You normal voice is rude," he retorted.
"Do you lack brain cells?"
"Probably, after listening to you talk."
"Funny, I could say the same."
"Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuyyyysss," Lavi interrupted. "Does it really matter who started it? Just saying, though, Yuu, it was probably your fault 'cause I mean, you're kind you and there's something' about you that makes Allen sketch out and stuff. Probably he just has some sexual frustrations that he doesn't know how to deal with or something, I dunno. Either way, Allen, you lost the bet!"
Allen ignored that bit about the sexual frustrations because Lavi was always poking fun at the fact that Allen had a stupid crush on stupid Kanda anyways. He also ignored the weird look Kanda was giving him. "Yeah, fine. What do I have to do now?"
"Well first, you have to get out from under Kanda. I know how you dream about this position, but—" Lavi was interrupted by Allen violently throwing a random object at his head. He rubbed at the sore spot with a reproachful, "Come on, just come with me to Lenalee's room. It's all set up."
Allen felt his previously blushing face pale. And he was still under Kanda. Which he supposed was a good thing, all things considered. "Lenalee?"
This just got ten times worse. Lavi and Lenalee were dating (only Allen, Kanda, Miranda and an anguished Komui knew) and it often seemed like the couple shared a brain. An evil, plotting brain, that was constantly scheming up ways to try and get Allen and Kanda together. Not only did it only succeed in extremely awkward moments— Allen didn't even want to think about that time Lavi had shoved him into the baths and he'd landed on top of a very angry and very naked Yuu Kanda— but Allen doubted it would ever happen for two reasons.
One; Kanda wasn't his biggest fan. Everyone knew that. Sure, Allen supposed they were friends, and they had been through a lot together, and he would admit that he trusted Kanda with his life and knew that Kanda felt the same, though the bastard was too stubborn to admit it. But still. It was well-known that Kanda usually just wanted Allen to get squashed by a convenient meteor.
Two; he was fairly positive that Kanda wasn't gay or even bisexual for that matter. After that whole episode with Alma, Allen knew about Kanda's past and he knew about her. It was strange to think that Kanda would have had a lover, even in a pass life, but there it was. Plus. Like he said before. He really didn't think Kanda liked girls all that much, let alone guys. Let alone white-haired, creepy armed and cursed Allen Walker.
Despite these two very solid reasons, Lavi and Lenalee were still very convinced that Kanda was Allen's soulmates and only people who were stupid and blind didn't see that. When Allen pointed out that no one besides them saw it, Lavi had just smiled knowingly and said something like "Oh, bean sprout, little do you know. Little do you know." Apparently, the only reason they fought so much was because they were both too dense to act on their love. Allen had his doubts. Lavi was convinced. Lenalee mostly sat there squealing because she thought it was cute.
Allen really didn't think Lavi had an adequate amount of brain cells.
Kanda was looking at them suspiciously from where he was still sitting on the floor. Allen wondered why he hadn't gotten up, then decided it was Kanda and questioning his ways was really a pointless endeavour. "What are you guys talking about?"
"Oh, well, Allen and I had a bet goin', see. He lost. Rather pathetically, I would say." Lavi nodded as Allen shot him a half-assed glare that mostly just made him look sulky. Well, he was sulking. In the manliest way possible. "So now, it's time for him to face the loser's punishment."
"What is it?" Allen asked, a ball of dread forming in his chest. Kanda stood up then and Allen had half a mind to go and hide behind him to get away from Lavi's evil grin. Maybe Kanda would protect him. Probably not. "Oh crap, you guys aren't gonna make me do anything like I had to do last time, are you?"
Lavi shook his head with a grin. Allen looked relieved until he said cheekily, "Nah, it's worse."
Kanda smirked a bit when Allen let out a groan of despair. "What did they make you do last time?"
Oh, it all went to hell when Kanda got curious. Allen made a face. "I really don't want to say…"
"Last time," Lavi said this all very casually, "we made him wear one of Krory's frilly tops with one of Lenalee's bras, on top of the shirt, and made him go yodel in mediocre German to Jerry."
Kanda's smirk twitched a bit, like he was trying not to grin. Allen rather wanted to punch the sadistic bastard's face. "That sounds… interesting."
"You should have seen it, Yuu. I think it could have made even you laugh."
"It wasn't funny," Allen said, holding his head in his hands in ultimate humiliation. "I don't know how you think anything can be worse than that. Jerry got scared. He got so scared he threatened to never feed me ever again if I didn't stop!"
"And we all know how horrible that would be," Kanda remarked dryly. Allen shot him a glare.
"It'd be awful! I would die!"
"I would reconsider the use of 'awful' in that statement."
"Oh ha, ha, Kanda, you're so funny. Wait, hold on. Let me reconsider that."
"Yeah. Really." Allen glared more. Then he stuck his tongue out and added, "Asshole."
"Tch, bean sprout."
"Aaaaaaaanyway," Lavi said loudly, once again interrupting their pointless bickering. "Lenalee is waiting, Allen. We should get going."
Allen kind of would rather not go, actually. He'd even prefer staying here with Kanda, who was still wearing that smirk that made Allen want to punch him and kiss him and do all sorts of naughty inappropriate things he really shouldn't be thinking about to him all at the same time. However, Allen did lose the bet, and he liked to keep his word. He vehemently cursed himself for being such a good person. He'd had a shitty life. He should have the right to be an asshole.
"Ugh, fine. Let's get this over with…"
"Would you like for me to prepare you a casket, Walker?" Kanda asked sarcastically.
"Oh my god, yes. Thank you, that would be perfect," Allen responded, not so sarcastically. He was beginning to think he might need one. Kanda just smirked again and walked away in the opposite direction. Allen was sorry to see him go. He sort of felt like Kanda was the only reason he wasn't currently being embarrassed to death right now. With a sigh, he looked to Lavi.
"Well, let's go…"
Lavi practically cackled with unbridled glee as he dragged Allen to his prison and Allen resigned himself to the fact that it was just his fate to have such a shitty life.
Yes. Allen really wanted to punch Lavi in the face.
He turned away from the mirror in which he'd been gaping at horror at his reflection to face Lenalee and Lavi, whose grinning faces he'd been able to see in the mirror were ten times more wicked now. When Lavi saw the look of suicidal intent on Allen's face, he burst out laughing, falling backwards onto Lenalee's bed and rolling back and forth. Allen sort of wished Lavi would choke on his spit and die or something. Lenalee had more dignity than this and just giggled a bit and walked up until she was next to him.
"My turn," she said playfully, bumping him softly aside with her hip. "Hmmmm." She hummed to herself as she twisted from side to side, looking at her reflection. She was wearing long black pants tucked into black leather boots and a short black jacket with red details. A gold chain shone when it caught in the light across the chest of the coat and her bob-cut just brushed the slightly loose collar. "Hm, you know, your clothes don't look that bad on me, Allen! Your waist is about the same size as mine."
Allen, on the other hand, wasn't quite so pleased. He was stuck in a bright red miniskirt— which barely brushed the middle of his thighs and probably would leave nothing to the imagination if it was even one inch shorter— and a similar jacket. It was a bit snug on his chest and around his shoulders, and he couldn't do the Asian-styled collar up without choking. The skirt was way too short for his taste— hell, he never wanted to wear a long one, let alone one that would show his goddamn underwear if he bent over. Never before had he wanted to crawl into a corner and die so badly in his life. Things couldn't get worse, could they?
And then Lenalee said, "Oh, wait a sec," and handed him a pair of baby blue thigh-high socks. "Here, you forgot these."
Goddamnit, life! That was a rhetorical question!
Allen groaned. "Do I have to?"
"Yes," Lenalee and Lavi said at the same time with identical straight faces.
Allen groaned again and fell onto the bed, sliding the socks up his legs and informing them, "I'm going to get you guys back for this, sleep with one eye open. Don't go anywhere alone. Expect the unexpected. I swear. You will pay." He stood up when he was done putting the stockings on and pointedly ignored Lavi's snickering and Lenalee's giggling. "Can I at least wear my own boots so I can walk?"
Lavi considered it, tapping his lip. "Well…"
"Oh, let's give him a break," Lenalee said, slipping his boots off her feet and handing them to him. "They're too big for me anyway, and he'll embarrass himself in heels."
"Right," Allen said. "It's definitely the heels that are going to be embarrassing."
Lenalee giggled again. "Don't be ridiculous, Allen! You look amazing. I'm actually kind of jealous. I wish I had your hips.
"I bet Kanda wished he had Allen's hips too. You know. Pinned to his bed underneath him, squirming like a little bitch~"
Allen groaned, trying really hard not to envision that, and put on his boots. "Shut up, Lavi." He almost felt relieved at the feeling of familiar footwear. Almost. And then he looked in the mirror again and let out a self-pitying moan of despair. "Do I have to leave the room?"
"Of course!" Lenalee said like it was the most obvious thing in the world and Allen was being ridiculous. "You have to pretend it's a normal day. Do whatever you do usually."
"Just be careful you don't accidentally give someone a free show," Lavi added with a grin, laughing when Allen's face became dramatically paler. "Unless it's Kanda," he mused. "You know, he might really like that."
Allen's shoulders hiked up to his ears and his ghost-like pallor turned into the shining red of a tomato. "Shut up! No he wouldn't!"
"Oh, I think he would. Kanda might not look it, but he's actually a huge pervert."
Allen's curiosity was piqued despite everything. "No way," he said, squinting his eyes suspiciously. "Kanda? A pervert?"
"Yeah. I bet—"
"No more bets! Ever!"
"Oh, fine. I say that Kanda is going to flip when he sees you like this." Allen groaned again at that but Lavi ignored him. "Actually, I can almost guarantee it. Of course, it won't be anything extravagant, I mean, Kanda is the furthest from extravagant. I doubt that word is even in his dictionary. But anyway."
Allen paled again for some reason. "No. No. No. I am not going out there, Lavi, you can't make me!"
"Neither can you, Lenalee! I'd rather— I'd rather never eat mitarashi dango ever again than go out there and be seen in a miniskirt." He looked at himself. "And stockings. Oh my God I am wearing stockings."
"You look good in them," Lavi commented, smirking. "Really. You shouldn't be so shy!"
"Oh shut it! How would you like it, going out there in— in this? I'm going to lose my man card to hard, Lavi, it'll be like I never had one in the first place. It will be erased from the planet entirely. Oh my God my dick will invert and I will grow a goddamn vagina."
Lavi burst out laughing again because Allen really looked like he believed it would happen. "Don't be ridiculous! That's physically impossible!"
"It is going to happen metaphorically! I will metaphorically have a vagina!"
"Maybe metaphorically," Lenalee said, "but at least you won't for real. It's a pain, having to deal with having one every month. Trust me."
This did not make Allen feel any better. He fell facefirst onto the bed next to Lavi. "Oh my God. Oh my God, kill me…" he muttered into the comforter. He felt something brush the sensitive skin of the back of his thigh and yelped, jerking away. Lavi snickered.
"Cutest bum ever. Besides Lenalee's of course, but you know. Pretty close."
"Kanda will like."
"I'm going to go Crown Clown on your ass and kill you!"
"Innocence can only kill that which is evil," Lavi said in a bored voice like he was reading from a text.
"Exactly! You guys are evil!"
Just then, there was a knock at the door. Allen absolutely panicked. "Who is it?" he hissed to Lenalee, scrambling to hide behind the bed. Lavi's sudden tight grip around his waist made this impossible but he kept struggling and squirming, determined to hide.
Lenalee went and checked, cracking the door open a fraction and peeking out. "Oh, Kanda, what are you doing here?"
As soon as Allen heard that name, he looked at Lavi with wide eyes and furiously whispered, "Let me go! Let me go, damn it, Lavi―" His voice bordered on hysterical and he squirmed more, but Lavi's arms around his waist would not give. "Lavi, I swear―"
"Shhh, bean sprout. You're cute and all, but Kanda will hear you…"
Allen clamped his lips shut and froze up, spine becoming as stiff as a rod against the bed. He listened as well as he could and ignored the grin Lavi was giving him and tried to pretend Lavi wasn't bridged on top of him and tried to focus on breathing―but mother of everything that was holy, Kanda was right outside that door.
And Allen was just in here wearing a miniskirt.
"No, I don't have any extras," Lenalee was saying. "Sorry, Kanda. Maybe you could ask Miranda?"
A few moments later, she said good-bye and shut the door. Allen swallowed. "So what did he want?"
"He needed a hair elastic, because apparently his tie snapped when he was in the baths."
Allen turned red up to the roots oh his hair and really tried not to picture Kanda in the bath. "Ah," he said weakly.
Lenalee observed their position on the bed and pursed her lips. "Now, normally I'd be all for this, because it's kind of hot, but… Lavi, is this necessary?"
"You're being a pervert to poor Allen, aren't you..."
"Oh, I suppose." Lavi grinned a bit and then looked down at Allen, who was still flushed and was now staring awkwardly up at the redhead. "He's so cute, though. It's hard not to be."
"Lavi," Allen muttered irritably.
Lavi grinned again and got off of Allen, who sat up and adjusted the skirt so it was at least covering his crotch better. "How do you wear this all the time without being awkward?" he asked Lenalee glumly.
"It's a girl thing. I got used to it."
"You should get used to it too, Allen. Wear more skirts. It's a good look for you."
"Kidding, kidding. Well, sorta." Lavi stood up. "Enough dilly-dallying, shall we depart," he extended a hand Allen's way, "my lady?"
Allen just shot him a dirty look that could probably rival Kanda's usual scowl and sat up on his own, crossing his arms. He forced himself not to look in the damned mirror. Maybe if he pretended it wasn't happening, it wouldn't be so bad.
KissMeDeadlyT-T: Please review! If people like it, I'll try to get the next chapter up ASAP! I don't know if there will be a lemon, though, or just some perverseness. I'll see how it goes (:
-I'm tired! Hehehehe, I need a Roy Mustang plushie… wait I am in the DGM fandom right now. No Mustang. Tyki instead. Or Kanda. Or wait—BAK! MM YES, I DO LIKE ME SOME BAK. Anyway.
Thanks for reading!