I don't own It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or the Maury show or the characters except glen. Sorry if any of the characters are ooc. Now on with the story.
" Yeah Congrats Dennis" Dee and Mac both laughed a little nervously waiting for Dennis to do something. " B-but I, no, hell no…I can't be" Dennis was still in shock at the fact he could be the father. ' I think this has officially pushed him over the edge and whatever is left of his sanity is probably gone by now' Dee thought looking at Dennis who was getting paler by the second. She hadn't seen him this pale since the time he went anorexic just because she said he had a fat face. Dee rolled her eyes and walked over to Dennis. Pushing him to sit on one of the bar stools; she snapped her fingers in his face hoping to bring him out of shock, 'well that didn't work' she thought to herself. Suddenly Dee got an idea to which a smirk broke out on her face. "Hey Dennis " Was followed by a resounding slap to the face. "Ow!? What the hell was that for Dee" Dennis said hold his hand to the stinging cheek. "Damn hormones" Dennis muttered under his breath, which Dee just gave him a narrowed look.
"You need to snap out of it, you have a baby for gods sakes," Dee said trying to make Dennis come to his senses. Dennis looked down at the baby, seeing a face that matched his own stared right back. "That's not my baby, he doesn't look anything like me" Dennis was trying to convince the gang that it wasn't his; or maybe just trying to convince himself. Though there was a prick of doubt in the back of his mind he just didn't want to believe it.
" Dennis are you serious, that baby looks exactly like you. Look at that face" Dee gave Dennis a look. " Not mine, where did you find him anyway?" Dennis asked. " I found him at the front door there's a note also. Here" Mac handed Dennis the crumpled letter he had taken from Dee. Dennis grabbed the letter almost tearing it in the process, his eyes were skimming over the letter reading it countless times trying to make heads or tails of it. " Well first of all I don't even remember a Lyra so, that can't be my baby" Dennis was trying to worm his way out, he can't be a father, and right now he wasn't ready. " Dude you don't even know most of the girls names you slept with" Charlie piped up putting his two cents in.
Dennis glared at Charlie " Shut up Charlie, I do too know most of their names" Dennis faltered trying to sound convincing. " Uh huh sure man whore, I can't even believe you're denying this, he looks exactly like you" Dee said. Dennis suddenly got an idea; "Dna Test" Dennis exclaimed a little too loudly, all three gave him an incredouls look. " Dude I can't believe your proposing a Dna test when your face is staring right back at you" Mac motioned to the baby who was looking at Charlie and making cooing noises. " Dennis we should go to the Maury show to get a Dna test" Charlie tried giving the idea to Dennis. Six sets of eyes looked at Charlie, " Did you just say go to the maury show to do a Dna test Charlie?" Dee asked not believing what was coming out of Charlie's mouth. " Well yeah cause then Dennis could give this sob story about this baby and to find out if it's his or not" Charlie said trying to sound convincing.
"Oh really, what's the real reason Charlie; ya got something to hide" Dee crossed her arms over her chest, giving Charlie an accusing look. "Uh no reason, I think it would be a good opportunity for me- I mean" Charlie was caught off by Dee. " I knew it! You just want to go to the Maury show, this isn't about Dennis at all" Dee was giving Charlie a look. Charlie threw his hands up " Alright! Fine! I just want to go on the Maury show is that to much to ask" Charlie exclaimed to the gang. After Charlie's outburst Glen began crying rather loudly. "Look what you did now Charlie you scared the baby" Mac said rubbing his temples 'this day could not get any worse' Mac thought to himself. "All right Dee you know what to do" Mac said motioning to the crying baby. "Wha-why do I have to know what to do" Dee turned to Mac. "Well your having a baby duh" Charlie threw in. "Just because I'm having a baby, doesn't mean I know what to do" Dee stated trying to get someone else to take care of the baby. " Well Charlie are you pregnant" Mac asked Charlie which a reply of 'no' was given. "And I'm certainly not pregnant, and Dennis isn't pregnant so that just leaves" Mac turned to Dee motioning to her swollen stomach.
Dee could not believe Mac was doing this "I can't believe this just because I'm pregnant you automatically assume I know what to do" Dee was trying to get out of this. "Yes, mothers instinct or something like that" Mac handed the screaming infant to Dee "There you go, go to aunty Dee Dee" Mac said in a baby voice, gently swaying glen side to side. "Don't ever call me that," Dee said through clenched teeth taking the infant from Mac's hands. Cradling the infant in her arms, glen was starting to calm down. " See he loves his aunt Dee" Charlie said trying to convince Dee. 'Well since they're preoccupied time to make my move then' Charlie thought to himself. "So since the baby isn't crying his head off, why don't we just go to the Maury show then" Charlie was hoping it would convince them this time.
"Charlie, we have a public health center we can go to for a Dna test, not to god knows wherever the maury show is located" Dee rocked the baby trying to make it go to sleep or something. " I wanna go to the Maury show" Charlie yelled making glen start to cry and which earned a 'Damn it Charlie' from the gang. "I will not stop yelling until we go" Charlie was having a tantrum. " Guys lets just go, he won't stop yelling until we do" Dennis finally said making some sense. " What the hell's going on here I can hear screaming and crying all the way down in the basement?" Frank said walking up to the gang. " Why is diandra holding a baby, did you guys find another dumpster baby or somethin' Frank asked kind of afraid that they might keep it.
"No, frank the baby was just left outside and it turns out that Dennis is the father" Mac retold frank what happened. "Not proven yet" Dennis threw in the middle of Mac's story.
"He does have Dennis's face and the way Dennis cries too," Frank said looking over the baby. "Hey! I do not cry like that" Dennis stood up to his full height giving frank the evil eye. " Sure ya do, now what's this about going to the Maury show?" Frank asked Mac. " Well it's charlie's idea that we go to the maury show to get a Dna test, except that a public health center is just right around the corner instead of having to drive however many hours with a baby" Mac was trying to get frank on their side. " I think going to the maury show would be a good idea because then the audience would sympathize with Dennis about his dead girlfriend" Charlie started. "Whoa wait a minuet, you have a girlfriend let alone she's dead," Frank pointed at Dennis. " No, it was just some girl I slept with and she thinks I'm the father, and she's not dead Charlie. She's dying of cancer," Dennis said giving Charlie a look and telling Frank the truth. "Well…you're screwed" Frank turned around to go back down to the basement, and then halted in his steps. " I think you guys should go to the Maury show, and I'm coming with you" Frank walked backed to the group. " No Frank, just no; I am not going to be stuck in a car with a baby let alone for however many hours" Dee was trying to get Frank to see reason. " If you don't go you're doing Charlie work from now on" Frank said pointing at Dee. "What, no I'm pregnant" Dee countered back 'like hell I'm doing Charlie work' Dee thought to herself. " I don't care if you're dying your doing Charlie work if you don't agree to this and go" Frank said in a final tone. "Fine Frank you win" Dee knew she lost the battle.
" Alright! Were going to the Maury show," Charlie exclaimed to which scared the baby and more crying ensued. Dee clenched her teeth 'if you go you don't have to do Charlie work' Dee thought then decided to rain on their parade a little. "One hitch in your guy's plan" Dee looked at frank, then at Charlie. "Yeah what's that?" Frank asked. " We need a car seat for the baby" Dee said waiting for them to realize she was right. " A what?" Frank asked, " A car seat, you know" Dee saw the blank looks on the guy's faces. " I can't believe this, a car seat for the baby since the baby can't support it's own head and in case of an accident so the baby doesn't get hurt" The guys gave Dee more blank looks.
" You know what come on were walking to a baby store so I can show you guys what a car seat is" Dee started walking to the door, when no one started to follow she gave them a look that said 'there will be hell to pay if you disobey me'. Dennis, Mac and Charlie started following Dee, " Frank are you coming?" Mac asked. " No I just have a few things I need to take care of before we leave. You guys go ahead" Frank started walking back to the door that led to the basement. Upon opening the door strange music of what sounded like whales raping each other came from the basement. " I don't even want to know" Dennis shook his head still trying to make sense of it all. " Well one of us has to stay here, so Charlie you stay here and me, Dennis and Dee will go to the baby store" Mac looked at Charlie. " Wha- but I want to go" Charlie gave Mac a look. " Listen how about you two go and I'll stay with Charlie" Dennis offered. " Fine, were taking the glen cause I don't trust Charlie with the baby, for all we know he could mistake it for a rat or something" Dee said kind of getting attached to glen 'must be my hormones or something' Dee thought.
" That's fine go get that car seat or whatever it is, I'll call up the Maury show to get tickets and make up a story or something" Dennis replied. "Alright see you in an hour or two" Mac said closing the door to the pub. Dennis slowly walked back to the bar desperately needing a drink or something, 'even crack sounds good right about now' Dennis thought, sitting down on one of the stools reaching over the bar he grabbed a beer. A devious thought had formed in his head. 'Charlie did have a good idea. If I get on the Maury show there will be girls there and girls watch the show. If they hear my sob story about my dead girlfriend and how she admitted to cheating on me. They'll think what a good guy he is taking the baby even if there wasn't a chance it isn't his. I'll tell them I just want to know if I am the father, to remember her by and how much I loved her. I'll have those girls eating out of the palm of my hand; girls are suckers for babies, the golden god is back on top' Dennis thought with a smirk opening the bottle and taking a swig of beer. " Oh yeah" Dennis said out loud, "you say something Dennis" Charlie asked giving Dennis a weird look. " Just wanted to say thank you Charlie" Dennis replied. "For what?" Charlie was beginning to get confused. "Hmm? Oh nothing, nothing at all" Dennis replied leaning back on the bar.
What I had originally written is that it was all Dennis's idea about using the baby to sleep with girls and Mac and Dee were against the idea. Frank comes up and they fight while Charlie and Dennis make a break for it with the baby and steal Dee's car. He was also more of a bastard to which made me want to slap him even though I'm the one who wrote it. Except in this Charlie kind of gave him the idea about the sob story, Dennis just filled in the blanks. please review, constructive critiscism is always welcome just no flames.