Author's note: I've decided to let go of all inhibitions. I'm in my 8027 slump so I'm gonna post every 8027 story I have left in my usb and not care about whether it's finished or not! So yeah, don't hate me in other words, guys?
This is for all of you angst lovers out there. This story actually has a pretty big plot, and I've written it up until chapter 10, but then the mass delete happened and I'm back to chapter 7. So I hope you guys love this. So far this is my sister's favorite out of all my 8027 story. OTL Doesn't that just mean I'm good at angst? And I try so hard to be a fluff writer too!
Also, I'm not satisfied with the title of the chapter so I might change it in the future. Oh and also, the first part was based on one doujinshi that I read. It was an irritating doujinshi which ended up in 8059 (no offense to the fans of 8059, really) and I wondered what it would be like if Tsuna had feelings for Yamamoto the whole time. But only the first part is similar to that doujin, the rest is basically my idea. technically the second paragraph and onwards or something like that.
I decided to do it in first person POV so that people would get the emotions more and feel the heart Tsuna felt.
Oh, and the cover picture is like that because, there was actually once scene in one of the chapters that it happened. Coincidence? Maybe!
I hope everyone enjoys the quotes below as well.
Holding onto My Heart
I can still feel it…
The feeling of your arms around me…
And as I curl up all alone in my bed, I feel like you're there beside me…
But the truth is…
I'm all alone aren't I?
Sawada Tsunayoshi's POV
"I don't need your life…" I said coolly to the person kneeling before me after I abruptly snapped out of my HDW mode. And that was true…
All my life I have learned that no one really actually needed me and in turn I never needed anyone too. Except for… Yamamoto.
Being the sole heir of the Vongola family, I was taught to be different from other children. I was taught to hide my emotions, to put on a pleasant face despite what I was feeling, and to never ever trust anyone. And I couldn't say that it wasn't hard at all…
I was all alone…
"Tsunayoshi-kun, come here for a second." Came the soft voice of the ninth boss of the Vongola Family.
"Yes grandfather." I said curtly as I walked at a leisurely pace. I stood in front of him as he placed an arm around me.
"Tsunayoshi-kun, I would like you to meet someone." The ninth said as he extended his hand. I looked curiously at what he was pointing at. Before me, stood a black-haired boy around my age who was also looking at me curiously. "This is Takeshi-kun, he will be your guardian of Rain starting today."
I blinked as a frown made its way to my face. But he's too young! I wanted to protest. However I just bit my lip and put on a smile like always.
"Nice to meet you." I said extending my hand formally. He looked at the hand I extended curiously. I looked at grandfather, wondering why he wasn't shaking my hand. Wasn't it common courtesy?
Timoteo chuckled as he placed my hand down.
"No, no Tsunayoshi-kun… Takeshi-kun comes from Japan… He isn't familiar with Italian courtesy." Timoteo said with a smile.
"Oh." I said as I looked at 'Takeshi'. The boy named Takeshi looked back at me before he smiled. I blinked in astonishment.
"Yoh!" He said cheerfully. I stood there watching him, not knowing what to say. "I'm Yamamoto Takeshi! You must be Tsuna! Nice to meet you!"
That was the first time I saw Yamamoto and heard him speak. He was an incredibly cheerful person and I just couldn't believe he could be so carefree.
Nice to meet you!
No one has ever told me that me that before. People would just tell me it was a 'pleasure meeting my acquaintance'. I knew the double-meaning to those words.
After all, who would want to meet the only heir to the deadly Vongola Family?
…As always, my rain guardian was different. He never failed to surprise me.
At times when I was lonely and scared…
At times when I was scorned and mocked behind my back…
For some reason he was always there…
"Shh… Tsuna it's okay, I'm here…" I could remember his soft whisper as he held me gently. It was one of those days where I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the deep hatred in everyone's eyes as they looked at me, or the happiness normal people radiated whenever I went outside. I wished for a normal life, and I wished for it so much that it hurt.
"Everything will be fine… I'm here…" Yamamoto murmured.
Truly like the rain that washes away everything. And at that moment I was struck by his words, at how true they were.
He was there… Everything would be fine because he was there. And that was all the reassurance, I needed.
"J-jyuudaime…" The person before me said. He was an Italian with silver hair and captivating dull green eyes. He had sworn his allegiance to me after I saved him from his own negligence. "I-"
"I don't need nor do I want your life…" I repeated quietly as I turned around. Yamamoto was on the sidelines waiting for me to finish. Reborn was perched on his shoulder like always. I walked towards my rain guardian, leaving the Italian kneeling on the ground. It would be better if he didn't get involved with someone like me. He would be happier. I didn't want to condemn him to a life filled with sorrow and blood.
My heart ached painfully at the thought of my rain guardian. I was being selfish, I know. But I wasn't strong enough to let him go. I know that deep in my heart I could live through this life of killing and bloodshed as long as I had him with me. He was the only one keeping me strong through this whole ordeal.
"You know, relying on one thing to be both your strength and weakness will eventually lead to your downfall." I could literally hear Reborn say. But I could care less. I needed Yamamoto like a person needed oxygen to breath.
"Yamamoto…" I said with a smile as I pocketed my mittens. "Let's go."
"A-ah, j-just a second." Yamamoto said, a distracted look in his eyes. I blinked. Yamamoto was distracted? I watched stunned as he switched his gaze to the Italian still kneeling on the ground. My heart shook in fear.
"I'll catch up with you later Tsuna." Yamamoto bid me as he walked towards the silver-haired. Gokudera Hayato.
Reborn jumped off his shoulder and unto mine as he stared at my expression. I could see in those blank black eyes that I looked like the world had just come crumbling down around me.
"You look stupider than usual." Reborn said commenting on my expression.
"When have I never looked stupid in your eyes?" I said half-attempting humor. I looked backwards to where Yamamoto was walking towards Gokudera.
"He asked me about the Italians's past." Reborn said, answering an unasked question.
"Is that so?" I said softly as my eyes shadowed.
"He seemed fairly interested in him." Reborn continued on mercilessly. My lips twitched humorlessly.
"It's sort of obvious." I said in a soft tone. "Yamamoto isn't the type to hide his interests."
"How are you feeling?" Reborn asked, scrutinizing my every twitch.
"Like a boulder going a hundred kilometers per second just hit me on the stomach…" I replied absently.
"Huh, at least you can still feel something." Reborn said with a nonchalant shrugged. Trust him to find an upside on every situation.
"True." I answered as I looked forward once more. "Let's get going. I think Yamamoto wants to talk with Gokudera-kun alone."
"I doubt he'll make much progress with him though." Reborn reassured me.
Somehow that made me feel better…
"I hope so…" I said to myself. And once it was out, I felt guilty. Reborn didn't comment on what I said. And so without so much as a backward glance, I went forward.
I made my way to the classroom a can of soda in my hand.
"You're going to die of starvation someday." Reborn commented at my choice of lunch.
I shrugged as I opened the soda. "So be it." My tutor sighed. I chuckled a bit as I walked to Class 2A. I reached out and opened the door to our room.
"Hey Gokudera let's eat lunch together!" Came a familiar voice. My eyes widened. It was Yamamoto.
"Eat lunch by yourself baseball idiot!" I could hear Gokudera's voice. But my eyes were focused solely on Yamamoto.
I dropped the soda I had been carrying and I heard the dull thunk that it made on the floor. I could hear girls squeak as my liquid soda splashed at them.
Both Yamamoto and Gokudera looked up.
"Hey what was that for?" A girl demanded shrilly at me. My eyes were shadowed behind my bangs as I answered with an automatic smile that made people's breaths hitch.
"I'm sorry, it seemed like my hand slipped." I said, not letting my distress show in my tone.
"A-ah, i-it's fine then." The girl said nervously.
"Tsuna?" I heard the chair drag across the floor. Yamamoto had gotten up to check on me. He knew my face well. I thought it was ironic that he did.
"Excuse me, it seemed like I have to go back for something." I said as the smile spread across my face again. My classmates nodded dumbly as I turned round, eager to get away from them, from Gokudera… and most of all, from Yamamoto…
I ran across the hall, mentally making an excuse that the reason why my eyes were burning was because of the air pressure.
"Rooftop?" Reborn said quietly. I forgot that he was still sitting on top of my head.
"Yeah." I croaked out as I made a sharp turn. I narrowly bumped into the head prefect but I ignored him. My emotions were too unstable at the moment.
"He'll get you for that you know." Reborn said as he read the blood thirsty aura the prefect was emitting.
"Let him." I said quietly. I had a feeling that I needed to let my emotions out one way or another. And a fight seemed like a good outlet.
"He'll give you some space for now." Reborn continued. "It seemed like he saw your expression."
I choked out a laugh. "You're making me curious as to what I look like right now." I said as I took the steps of the stairs to the rooftop, two at a time.
"Want me to tell you?" Reborn said quietly.
"No…" I said as I threw open the door to the rooftop. "Because I pretty much know that I look like crap."
The sun blinded me for a moment as I entered my most favorite place in the whole wide world. The first time I ever came to this school, the first thing I checked out was the rooftop. And I loved it immediately.
My knees buckled beneath me as I fell unto a kneel. My breath came out in short rasps as I placed a hand on my face, covering it.
I felt Reborn jump away from me and sit down on the floor beside me. He stayed there quietly, watching me as I slowly broke down.
I looked down on the floor, watching as my tears hit the ground. It was pathetic… but I wasn't referring to the tears. I was referring to how I felt and what I thought.
It was pathetic for me to think that Yamamoto would always stay by me…
It was pathetic for me to think that Yamamoto would never find someone he likes…
It was pathetic for me to think that he liked me back…
All in all, I was a pathetic looser.
I sat back exhausted. The tears still continued to run down my cheeks, but I ignored them.
"Finally calmed down?" Reborn asked as I sniffed a bit while rubbing my eyes in irritation.
"Sure." I answered as I took a deep breath.
"So want to tell me what's up with your reaction?" Reborn asked. Instantly I put down my hand as my eyes softened. "Was Yamamoto asking Gokudera out to lunch really that surprising?"
"If you'd been with Yamamoto as long as I have then yeah… It's really that surprising." I said as I leaned against the wall and looked up. "As long as I've known him, Yamamoto has never before asked anyone out to eat with him. He always thought that if people wanted him to eat with them then that's good but he'd never force other people to eat with him. Ever since I was a kid, it's always me who'd ask him to eat with me and my grandpa. He'd smile and that was that…" But secretly, I wanted him to tell me to eat with him for once. Secretly, I wanted him to look at me and say… 'Let's eat lunch together instead'.
"Aren't you over-reading the situation a bit Tsuna?" Reborn asked as he raised an eyebrow. "Maybe he just felt sorry for Gokudera that's why-?"
I shook my head frantically. "Yamamoto's not the type of person to feel sorry for anyone Reborn. And besides it's more than just feeling sorry…He feels fascinated."
"That's an interesting way to phrase it." Reborn said. I hugged my legs to my chest and closed my eyes. "So what are you going to do now?"
"I'm not sure…" I began as I thought of Yamamoto's face… his smile. "I just wish my heart would wake up from this spell-like haze I'm under."
"You love him that much huh?" Reborn said.
"Much…much more." I mumbled as I buried my face on my knees. "More than I think I should."
"You know, since Gokudera's so devoted to you, you can just order him to stay away from Yamamoto." Reborn said thoughtlessly. "He'd probably be happy to oblige."
I didn't even look up to that suggestion. And I'm ashamed to say that I've already thought of it. But then, I just didn't have the heart to do that. To see my most precious person's smile fade… Huh, even I have something I treasure.
"I can't do that Reborn." I said in a muffled broken voice. "I don't want to see Yamamoto sad."
"You've got it bad." Reborn said, I rolled my eyes. Thanks for pointing out the obvious.
I sighed as I stood up and stretched. I looked at my watch and saw that I've been here for about ten minutes. No doubt Yamamoto (and Gokudera too) had already gone looking for me. I looked at the sky blankly. I was the 'sky' of the Vongola family. Yet somehow I just couldn't see how I could be like the sky. The one that embraces all… after all, the only one I wanted to embrace and to keep in my clutches forever was Yamamoto. I didn't even want any other guardians.
"I'm probably the most selfish sky out there." I mumbled as I turned around and grabbed the door knob.
"No arguments there." Reborn said much to my chagrin.
I opened the door to our classroom with a sigh. As I expected, seventh period had already begun.
"Sawada where were you?" The teacher demanded. I suppressed another sigh.
"Just went to get some fresh air." I said with a heart-stopping smile. My sensei stuttered and I mentally frowned. So easy. Too easy.
"O-okay then, please go to your seat." The teacher said as he fumbled with the paper in his hands. I nodded absently as I walked forward. The first thing I noticed was that Yamamoto and Gokudera's seats were all empty.
Probably looking for me. I thought.
Together. My eyes dulled at the thought as I sat down. Running away was the stupidest decision I've ever made.
"Stop following me baseball idiot!" I suddenly heard from the outside. My eyes snapped immediately to the window. Our classroom was situated on the second floor but I could see the other two perfectly from where I was seated.
"Maa… maa… Don't be like that Gokudera!" I could hear Yamamoto say. And for a moment my heart twinged in pain. I could hear the excitement and happiness in his tone.
"Leave me alone! I can look for jyuudaime by myself." Gokudera shouted in annoyance. He was so angry that he failed to see the banana peel in front of him.
"Oi watch out!" Yamamoto said as he reached out and grabbed the bomber.
"Gah!" Gokudera said as he fell forward, dragging Yamamoto with him.
My eyes widened as I saw the inevitable end this would cause. I just sat there gapping as Yamamoto fell on top of Gokudera in a compromising position. I just sat there, watching as I saw their lips smash against each other.
No! Was my heart's unheard cry.
"OI!" Suddenly came the teacher's cry as he walked toward the window. It seemed like he also heard the two bickering from the classroom. He had missed the most essential part. By the time he went to the window to shout at the two, Yamamoto and Gokudera had already pushed away from each other. (Gokudera did most of the pushing) My bangs shadowed my eyes, concealing my thoughts.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" I felt the rest of the class cringe at the loud voice. "HOW DARE YOU SKIP CLASSES?"
"Ahaha! Gomen!" Yamamoto said as he looked up with a sheepish smile and a blush. My heart thudded painfully against my chest.
"Che." Gokudera said as he crossed his arms and looked away with a bright blush.
"WHY YOU-!" The teacher began, reaching his boiling point. But then I interrupted him.
"Sensei." I said in a dead voice. My face felt oddly blank and my body felt cold somehow. "Please excuse their behavior for now." I continued. It was the boss' responsibility to take the blame for his subordinates' mistakes. "They were looking for me so it's really my fault. Please punish me instead." I said.
I saw my teacher flinch from the look on my face as he gulped. "I-I see… Well then Sawada, I'll give an exception for now. Tell your friends not to get in trouble again because I won't be so lenient next time." He said in warning.
"Yes." I answered robotically. The teacher nodded, satisfied as he put his head out the window again.
"The two of you, come back to the classroom!" The teacher said. "I won't punish you for this. Be thankful that Sawada explained the situation."
At the sound of my name, Yamamoto and Gokudera's heads both snapped up… but I already moved away from the window. I moved my desk as far away from the window as I could and afterwards, I placed my arms on the table and buried my head on them.
After a few minutes I heard hurried footsteps and then the sound of the door opening. My arms tightened defensively around me.
"Tsuna!" I heard Yamamoto say and in the next second he was beside me.
"Oi! Get back to your seats!" The teacher said in the background but then he was quiet. I think Gokudera was giving him a deathly stare.
"I'm so glad you're okay Tsuna. Where were you?" I heard my guardian say beside me but I did not look up. My eyes were full of tears.
"Tsuna?" I heard Yamamoto say my name worriedly. He shook my shoulder gently but I didn't want to budge. I already know what would happen if I look up… I'll probably lose it and start crying or something.
"Tsuna please-" But then what he was about to say was interrupted when the door to our classroom opened. I felt a strong killing intent as the person who disrupted entered.
"Hi-Hibari-san!" The teacher said, his voice shaking in fear. "I-Is there something you need?"
"Where is the herbivore named Sawada Tsunayoshi?" He said into the room. My head looked up automatically. My eyes met with steel cold grey ones. Oh right. Reborn warned me about this.
The head prefect walked towards me, his eyes narrowing at the sight of tears on the sides of my face. Thankfully only he could see it because my bangs were hiding my tearful eyes.
"Still not done crying?" He mouthed to me and I frowned. Right, definitely going to fight this guy AND defeat him. I gritted my teeth together as my fists clenched. At the corner of my eyes I could see Yamamoto observing our exchange.
"Oi! What do you want with tenth?" Gokudera suddenly said stepping in front of me. I looked up startled. What's Gokudera doing?
"Hm? Another herbivore who wants to be bitten?" Hibari said as he readied his tonfas. The bomber flinched slightly. I raised a hand about to pull Gokudera back but then.
"Oi Gokudera." Yamamoto said as he placed a hand on the Italian's shoulder. "Calm down, Tsuna can take care of himself but you don't have a chance against Hibari."
My eyes widened at what Yamamoto said. Wasn't he my guardian?
"Wha-? What the hell baseball idiot?" Gokudera said as he angrily threw off Yamamoto's hand. "Are you saying I'll lose to this guy?"
"Gokudera that's not-"
"Enough." I said in a cold tone I rarely used. Both Yamamoto and Gokudera froze, all of my classmates were shivering in fear, and even Hibari twitched.
"I've had enough." I continued in that bone-chilling tone. I had stood up, my eyes were now narrowed as I looked at Hibari, no longer hiding my eyes behind my bangs. "Let's get this over with Hibari."
The prefect smiled in approval. "Definitely." And with that he walked out of the door, with me following behind him.
When the two were gone, everyone was finally able to breathe again.
"J-Jyuudaime…" Gokudera said as he immediately moved forward to follow the brunet. But then he stopped when he realized that Yamamoto was not following. "Oi! Aren't you the tenth's guardian? What the heck are you standing around for?"
"Tsuna…" Yammaoto said, still stunned. Although it seemed like he was stunned for a different reason. Because you see, as Tsuna's guardian he was already used to the death stares and killing auras his boss gave off. What truly caught him unprepared was…
"Tsuna…" Yamamoto said again as he thought back to Tsuna's eyes being narrowed and the angry tone in his voice. But then there was one thing that caught Yamamoto's eyes… It was the tears on the sides of the other's face.
Tsuna, was he… crying?
"Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet."
Author's note: Yeah, my lifelong dream has always been to make my readers cry. I wonder if this story will get a lot of reviews, I hope it does. Please do read and review. Your reviews will really help me out of my 8027 slump. Thank you very much!