A/N: To those of you who thought I might have died, nah. I still have too many people left in this world to piss off. Seriously, I lost the inspiration to write for a while. So, while I do think this story sucks (as I do all my stories), this came to me tonight.
I do, however, think this season of Criminal Minds is awesome, and while I like Alex Blake, she is no Emily Prentiss, who will always and forever have my heart. My heart will also forever belong to the JJ/Emily slash. So, even though Paget is gone (but never forgotten), I will continue to write JJ/Emily fanfiction to my heart's content. After all, that is why I own all seven seasons. So I can continue to ship the hell out of these two.
Also, sorry about the screwy formatting. I have no idea how to fix this in my computer.
The story is loosely based around the song "Alone" by Heart.
Meaningless sex. That's all you ever wanted out of a relationship. Meaningless sex that you could barely remember their names the next morning. Drunken
encounters. These women held no meaning to you. You were just looking to get off. Fuck 'em and leave 'em was always your motto.
Until you met her. Then in an instant, everything changed.
Before her, you always got by on your own. You were basically on your own from the time you were a child. Sure, you had nannies that took care of you; cooks who welcomed you into their kitchens when they saw how you were virtually ignored by your parents. However, you knew deep down that you were alone. That it was you against the world. The life of privilege that everyone saw was a lonely life to lead.
Then came your transfer into the BAU. Sitting over mounds of paperwork, her chuckling at you when you dropped your head onto the stacks of paper, groaning in frustration. You looked up at that moment and noticed how her blue her eyes were; how her smile seemed to light up the room.
In that instant, you fell; fell harder for her than anyone you had ever fallen for. However, this was your secret alone. So, that night you did what you do best; you compartmentalized your feelings for her. Or so you told yourself. She was too big of a compartment. She didn't fit into your nice, neat boxes.
So you ran.
You distanced yourself from her. Or so you tried. You knew you were good at your job. You always longed for a position in the BAU, and you'd be damned if you were going to lose it. So you worked harder than you ever had before, trying to prove yourself over and over. Once you gained your respect, you worked hard to never lose that. Slowly, as she became your confidant over beers after tough cases, over girls' nights with Garcia, over the course of six years, you knew that your feelings hadn't changed. They only grew stronger. So, yet again, you pushed your feelings down.
Then came him.
The slow talking detective who made your blood pressure rise when you heard him talk to her. You begged her to reconsider dating him. When she asked you why, you couldn't give her an answer other than you didn't think he was good enough for her. She locked her eyes on to yours, and you felt yourself drowning. You hid your emotions behind a brave smile and told her that she could do better. She softly asked you who could be better for her.
Instead of answering, you shut down, looked away from her, and she stepped closer to you, lifting your chin with her finger, forcing you to look at her. You avoided her gaze and she asked you the question again. You gazed into the sky blue eyes that you could forever get lost in and didn't say anything.
She leaned up, and with a whisper of breath across your lips, asked the question again. Mere inches apart, you could feel her breath across your lips and when you went to answer, she captured you in the sweetest kiss you'd ever known.
In that instant, you felt your whole world right itself. You felt every piece you ever felt missing fall into place. You stepped back, brown eyes wide in confusion and instead of saying something, you turned and ran. Ran from the ghosts of the past that haunted you at every turn. You didn't even slow down when you heard her call your name.
That night was the drunkest you could ever remember getting. The woman you took home from the bar looked exactly like her, except for the fact that her eyes were green instead of blue and she was taller. However, you were drunk, it didn't matter. All you wanted to do was screw the hell out of someone to get over the confusion you felt. To get rid of the pain.
Night after night, you tried to get rid of the memory of that kiss. Of the confused, hurt looks that she was giving you every time you two were out in the field together. You remained professional with her, with everyone, but a part of you died when you ran from your feelings. You were happy alone.
Or so you told yourself.
Now, you find yourself standing outside her home, wondering if you can go through this. You know you love her, but how strong is this love? Can it survive anything? Her relationship didn't survive under the strain of her job, so how can you be sure that you two will survive?
You chew your lower lip, debating with yourself, when the door opens and her blue eyes widen slightly when she sees who it is standing outside her door. "Emily?" she says softly, unbelieving, as if this is somehow a dream.
"Yeah, it's me."
She moves to the side and lets you in and you smile slightly, taking in the surroundings that you can see. You hear the door close behind you and you fight down the urge to run. You're so tired of running, of fighting your feelings. You just want to be alone with her, to tell her all your fears, without the judgment that you've come to expect.
"With Will. It's his weekend with him."
You nod and she stands in front of you, looking at you. You open your mouth, swallowing, and closing it again. She looks at you and crosses her arms, not in impatience, but waiting patiently for you to speak.
"You probably wonder what I'm doing here. " She nods slightly, letting you gather your thoughts when you don't continue. "Emily?" she says softly, taking a step closer to you.
"Before you, I was alone. I never felt like I was good enough. Like I was just passing through life, meaningless sex was all I was good for. Then I transferred to the BAU and I met you. You were the first person I ever really cared about. That I knew ever really cared about me."
She nods and somewhat relieved she hasn't laughed at you yet, you continue. "When I saw you dating Will, it killed me inside. When I saw you kissing him…" you trail off and she takes a step towards you, until there are mere inches between you again. "You what?" she asks softly, looking up at you with those blue eyes that you can still get lost in.
You swallow again and say softly, "Does it matter?"
She nods and you say quietly, your lips mere inches apart "It drove me crazy. I wanted to be the one you were kissing. I wanted to be the one on the receiving end of your love. So, when I begged you to reconsider dating him, I wanted it to be me, not him." Blinking back the tears that have suddenly come to your eyes, you say quietly, "When you kissed me, it scared me."
You shake your head and she looks up at you again, tracing a finger across your lips, saying softly, "Why Em? Why do I scare you?"
"Because, I've always been alone. Before you, I never truly cared about anyone. Until now, I always got by on my own. I lie awake in the dark, listening to the clock and all I think is where you are? Should I call you and tell you this?"
Her eyes fill with tears and you look down, backing away slowly. "I shouldn't have come here."
"Emily…." She says softly, placing a hand on your arm. You stare at her hand and slowly raise your gaze to meet hers, and avert your gaze again. She places her hand underneath your chin, forcing you to look at her.
"Emily, I…." and instead of finishing her sentence, she leans up and kisses you, and for the second time in your life, you feel your world fall into place. You feel every piece you've ever been missing come together. Unlike the first time, you return the kiss, and in that kiss, promises were born and made. You pull her closer without breaking the kiss and she wraps her arms around your waist.
When the need for oxygen forces the two of you apart, you rest your forehead against hers, wondering if this is a dream. She looks up at you, and your breath catches. How could you have not seen how much she has loved you? She says quietly, "For months, years now, all I could think about is how I could get you alone, so I could show you how I felt. When you ran from me after that kiss, I was sure I lost you."
"You will never have any idea how long I wanted this. How long I have waited. If you wouldn't have shown up tonight, I was going to come and find you and talk to you. I love you, Emily Prentiss. I have from the day you walked into the BAU. I have loved you for a long time."
The tears that have been threatening all night finally spill over. You look at her and say softly, "I've lov…"you swallow hard and she smiles in understanding. "I've loved you for a long time. I've loved you since the moment I walked into your office. I thought once you got together with Will and had Henry, I had lost my chance forever."
She leans up and kisses you again and you know in that instant, you will never want for anything more in your life. You kiss her back and she leans back slightly, saying softly, "I love you. I meant that. If it takes me a lifetime to prove it to you, I will show you how much I love you."
You smile softly and stroke her cheek, not saying anything. Your life may have not started out as a fairytale, and you may have been alone for most of it, but now, you know that no matter what, you will never be alone again.