Dear Friends and Family,
I can't properly describe why I loved Effy's eyes so much. Sure, of course, I could perfectly recite the different shades of blue lodged in her two gorgeous orbs. I wouldn't do her half the justice she deserves. A thin line of dark navy skated around the edges of those familiar eyes. Filling in the space until it hit the pupil was a constant, lighter sky blue. And floating around, spaced evenly, were hues of cerulean. They sound absolutely glorious, right? On top of their natural appear was something else I couldn't describe. Looking into them was like nothing else. There was this sense of mystery, mischievousness that drew me towards her. It'd always been that way, since the moment I got to know her. Effy was this beacon of everything I'd ever wanted in a girl, and I'd made it my goal to pursue her.
The essence of happiness radiated off of her. Everybody she touched became mystified, captivated by her beauty. To me, she had this familiarity leaking off of her. I knew this girl. The connection I had with her was unfathomable. I know I sound crazy, and believe me, I absolutely am. My friends went bananas when they saw her. Cook bragged about how he could have her in his pants by the end of the week. JJ promised me that he would get her to laugh. As for me, it seemed completely absurd to use this woman as a trophy, or a popularity tool. She was more than that. From the start, I could tell something was special about her. So instead of telling my friends about her, I swore to myself I was going to get to know her. Not necessarily in a romantic way, but there was just something inside of me, saying I needed to open myself up to this girl.
Now, of course, in the beginning, things were rocky between my fellows and I. Some way or another, we all wanted Effy. The three of us were willing to do anything to have her. It came to the point where we threw punches and screamed at each other. Believe me, things changed when Effy chose Cook. I didn't get why she chose him at first. It appeared I was the only one who could see that he only wanted to shag her. There wasn't anything I could do about it, so I bit my tongue and sulked. I couldn't bear the idea of her picking him over me. I would treat her properly, not just use her for her body. Cook was the one I was angry at. He didn't have any right to disrespect her. God, he didn't even genuinely care about her. As their relationship progressed, I noticed that jealousy had clouded me. As much as I didn't want to admit it, my best mate since grade school was in love with Effy. That was what ripped me apart. Effy and I weren't even close, but I hadn't ever gone through a worse pain.
I bet you're thinking, 'Get to the point, you twat. You fucking killed yourself, and now you're going to tell us things we already knew?' I need to tell you about Effy and I. Each and every one of you needs to understand that I loved her. I guess that's pretty evident, seeing as by the time you read this, I'll be dead. Skip ahead a bit, Effy and Cook broke up at the same time I was dating Katie. One night, while tripping on mushrooms, she came onto me. I've never liked infidelity. I am sorry if I hurt you, Katie. You've got to understand though. I always loved her, and that isn't an excuse. It's a fact that I hope will make up for my asshole move. When we were in that tent, we made love for the first time. This is a suicide letter, not a porno. (I can still make a joke even after I've died, you see.) In order to stick to the point, I'll just say that experiencing her at her most exposed was a pivotal point in our relationship. There was something so surreal about actually having her in my arms.
When we left, I knew that a one night stand wasn't what I wanted. I knew I was a better man than that, and I knew Effy deserved better from me. Trying to do the right thing, I broke up with Katie. For the second time in my life, I knew I needed Effy. It wasn't the kind of need you could shake. My bones were screaming her name, and if I didn't see her anytime soon, I was going to get lost inside of my own head. It was three AM, but I walked over twenty miles to get to her house. There wasn't anything that could stop me. I don't even remember what drove me, it was as if somebody was pushing me into her arms. When I finally got to her house, I didn't want to be the cliché douchebag. I wasn't going to throw rocks at her window to woo her. Instead, the force guiding me lead me in through the back door.
Her hair pulled into a sloppy pony tail, she had been in the kitchen, sitting on the granite counter. I remember seeing her, holding that knife to her upper thighs. Nothing else mattered anymore, you know? I just remember thinking, 'Freddy! Do something! Stop her!' I ran over to her and grabbed her wrists, taking her by surprise. She didn't yell, or scream. But instead, she looked up at me with a weird expression on her face. It was this combination of angry, sad, and confused. The knife clattered to the floor, but she had already done a bit of damage to her porcelain skin. I dropped to my knees, feeling the tears splatter on the rim of her tee-shirt. She had been sitting in this little puddle of her own blood, not even her own mother checking on her. Instantly, my lips pressed to every single cut I could find. Effy wrapped her arms around my neck and sobbed into me for what felt like an eternity.
After she had calmed down a bit, I cradled her into my arms and carried her up the stairwell, placing kisses on her forehead. As gently as I could, I set Effy down on her mattress and stroked her cheek. I remember my exact words. "Stay here." It was a double meaning, but what a shitload of good that did. She nodded, her face sticky with saltwater tears. It was odd, how easily I found what I was looking for. Without even being in her house before, I knew exactly which cupboard the cups were in. I made it fill to the brim with water and set it down on the counter, next to Effy's blood. I couldn't bear to see that, so using paper towels, I wiped it all up and threw it away. I almost walked back up to the room, but there that force was, telling me I needed to do more. Taking every single kitchen knife I could see, I stacked them before making rounds all over the house. Every pencil sharpener, razor, scissor, every fucking piece of glass I saw, I collected. Looking back, it was eerie. It had only taken me minutes to locate every weapon she could use against herself.
Stay with me now, gang. I'm almost to the reason why I've decided to kill myself. I'd gathered these war materials and thrown them away in her neighbor's trash can underneath all the rubbish. I re-entered Effy's house and grabbed the plastic cup. When I bounded up the stairs, she was in a ball on her bed, and after a bit of coaxing, she finally unraveled. Effy looked at me with such a sense of hopelessness, it knocked me on my ass. Before I could prepare myself, she bombarded me with everything. She told me about her brother, Tony's car incident and how that affected her. She told me about how her parents hated each other and her. Effy told me about how she didn't talk when she was younger, because she knew nobody would care one way or the other. I thought she had been cried out, but as she clutched me like a lifeline, she poured out her soul literally and figuratively to me that night. And in so many ways, this was better than the sex we'd had earlier.
Don't get me wrong, I loved every single bit of the love making, but nothing was comparable to the night we shared everything with each other. There's no way to explain how utterly in love I was at that point. We made promises that we wouldn't ever leave each other, and that we were going to help one another to get out of our personal hell. Everything about or relationship was perfect. Neither of us judged. Effy liked to smoke, and I didn't mind. I liked to drink, and she didn't mind. It was this perfect coexistence between us. Soon, we were completely dependent upon each other. Every single night it was getting high, swallowing pills, and drinking. Don't blame us, it was the only way we could escape everything. It was the only way both of us could express ourselves and not worry about the consequences.
Every day, I kicked myself for not noticing something was terribly wrong sooner. The way she carried herself changed. Her demeanor was different, but I assumed it was side effects from the drugs. There were so many signs. I just hadn't noticed them in the right ways. One night, I came home to find her passed out on the floor. Scared out of my wits, I shook her and doused her with water until she woke up. Of course, old Effy returned for just a second, or so it seemed. As soon as she had come, she had gone. For one brief moment, her eyes flickered against mine and she let out an ear-splitting shriek. She covered her ears and rocked back and forth in the bath/shower. Dropping everything, I climbed into the tub behind her, holding her as my clothes became soaked. I washed every portion of her skin as gently as I could, and then shampooed and conditioned her hair. I dried her with towels and put her wet hair up in turban-like creation.
Extending my hand out to hers, I led her back into our room and dressed her with every ounce of love in my body. She let out a forced smile and I kissed her temple. Like I had the night I walked in on her cutting, I scooped her into my arms and brought her outside. With help, I escorted her to this secluded field. It was scary, honestly. One moment, she would be delirious with joy, and then the next morbidly depressed. Effy told me about the demons that were coming for her. She said she couldn't fight them off anymore. I did for her. I screamed and yelled and ran around to show her how much I cared. It wasn't the meek smile I'd seen earlier. A genuine smile formed on her face.
The rest is a blur, and I know that's sad, seeing as it only happened a couple of days ago. But, all I remember is hearing Katie say that Effy had locked herself in the bathroom. The way my heart thudded erratically inside my chest as I sprinted through the hallways. I used everything in my being, and thanks to my adrenaline, I broke down the door. My sweet, happy Effy was sprawled across the floor, a giant slash up the vein in her right hand. I could tell she was barely holding on, but I clamped as hard as I could onto her wrist, flashbacks making me shake. There was the faintest pulse I've ever felt, and before I could hold her, she looked up at me. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason I've offed myself.
See, not only did Effy acknowledge my presence. As I wrapped my arms around her and screamed with my voice too many octaves high, she had seen me completely broken down. I whispered into her ear how much I loved her. She did the same to me. Can you imagine the guilt she must have felt? Can you imagine the pain she must have had to end her life while in the same building as people who loved her? I can, because, those eyes that I grew to love so passionately were dull when I looked into them. Those glorious eyes were glazed over, without even the slightest amount of emotion as her heart stopped beating. Even though I was yelling my lungs out, it didn't matter. My love couldn't save Effy. I only had a future with her, so why does life matter anymore? It doesn't. Without her, there is no me. If I couldn't save her, I couldn't save anybody.
Right before I wrote this, I figured out why I was so drawn to Effy. See, I knew I'd seen those eyes before. I knew I'd seen that fake smile plastered too many times to ignore it. I saw my mother in Effy. I should've recognized their similarities, they were practically identical. I could've prevented both of those deaths, and that's my worst regret. So this, my friends is why I'm killing myself. Both the women I love more than anything in the world killed themselves, and now it is my fate. Maybe if I get into Heaven, I'll see their beautiful blue eyes once more. I can't wait to see you all up there. If there's one last thing you all can do for me, on my grave, can you engrave the word 'forever'? You won't understand, but that's all I would like. It describes everything and nothing that I'm feeling right now. Most of all, I'm sorry I have to leave you all now. I know it isn't easy to lose somebody you love, and I'm sorry I can't be stronger.