A/N This is a challenge fic bestowed on me by my close friend Flareose who has to put up with me babbling on and on about Ukitakes and Kiras quite a lot. I think she just wants to keep me occupied so I shut up every one in a while. I hope you all enjoy :)
Kira Izuru had always been a depressed person, but ever since Soul Society was betrayed and his Captain and lover left with Aizen and Tosen, he knew that he couldn't cope. He was heartbroken, and the stress of trying to keep his Division running as second-in-command made everything worse. He wasn't sleeping, he wasn't eating, and he was on edge more than ever.
Currently, the blond Shinigami was sitting at what once was his Captain's desk, trying not to cry as he filled out paperwork. Just being in this room alone was enough to make him remember his traitorous commanding officer and what they had done together in this very chair.
"Why did you leave...?" Izuru whispered to himself. He threw the pen against the wall opposite him and buried his face in his arms, his shoulders heaving with the stress of trying not to cry. However, all the strength he had mustered was not enough to stop the rivers of tears from streaming down his face as he pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. "...Why didn't you take me with you...?"
All thoughts of paperwork flew out of Izuru's mind as he thought about the man he had loved. The one man in all of Soul Society who brought comfort to him and made him feel as if he were truly loved. The one he had looked up to and admired for so many years ever since his academy days, and that same person who had taken him into his life and reassured him that it was okay to be who he was and to not care about what others said or thought.
Kira didn't feel the pain as he fell off the chair. He didn't feel the pain that came with hitting his head on the desk as he went down, or the blood that dribbled profusely down his face. No; the only thing he could feel was the void in his heart that was slowly but surely killing him.
It was an unspoken rule these days for the Third Division to not enter any room where Izuru's loud cries and screams of despair echoed from, so the blond was left alone with no one to talk to – no one to support him.
The lieutenant cried and shouted for what felt like forever before he had finally fallen victim to the oblivion that came with such straining emotions. He was curled up by the desk, his face red and stained with blood and tears. His eyebrows were scrunched together in clear distress and his teeth ground together with such force, it could be heard from several feet away.
The dreams came as they did every night, forcing Izuru to remember just how much love and trust he had placed into the man who had betrayed everyone. He would awake in the morning and go through the same tedious routine that he did every other day. He would pretend that everything was fine, try his hardest to do his work and not focus on the defector he honestly missed with all of his being, then at night he would curl up and let his pain out. To the few people who would bother to ask, he would smile half-heartedly at them and say that he was fine, all the while trying not to let the tears well up.
Kira Izuru knew that not many people cared about him, didn't trust him for having been so close to one that had caused such chaos in the Seiteitei, believed that he probably had his own part in it himself and would turn out to be just like the three that had deserted.
Because of this, people turned a blind eye to his suffering, convinced that it was all an act to get everyone to lower their guards in order for him to strike.
But only the few people that still remained by his side could see the suffering in his baby blue eyes that grew more obvious by the day.
Kira Izuru couldn't go on like this any longer. He needed help. Out of all his friends, Matsumoto was the only one who understood but, as she had been best friends with the one he loved, he didn't like to talk about it with her.
No; Izuru needed to find someone who he could trust; could talk to without being judged; could feel comfortable enough to divulge his hidden agony to. But there was only one person in the whole of the Seireitei who could be trusted with the darkest of secrets; Ukitake Jūshirō.
It would be hard, but Izuru would need to bring himself to believe that there were others out there who he could have faith in; who wouldn't hurt him. His trust in people had been shattered just as easily as his heart had been broken but, Izuru knew he couldn't go on like this.