Oh God, middle school. Can I rewind my life, please? This... this hurts. Again, pretty sure this is a trollfic, so don't take it too seriously.
Enjoy, I guess. If you're into this kind of thing. Again, another review and I'll post part 3
"Edward has nothing to do with this!" Bella screamed, shoving James out of the way.
Snickering, James replied, "Are you sure? Because he has a gambling problem, you know."
Bella stared at him, shocked. "Are you serious? Which games?"
James leaned back. "Blackjack. And Craps. But he always cheats by putting mustard on the cards to… make it smell like piss. It's such a unique smell. Have you ever smelled your own pee before, Bella?"
"Um?" Bella muttered. "You're treading on rather light ground, James. Can't we just talk about how you're going to kill me?"
"URYAH!" Edward screamed, slamming James against the wall of mirrors. "I can kill you, James. Have any last ideas?"
"Yeah, actually, two things I want fulfilled. First, Edward, I am madly in love with you and want you to kiss me."
Edward blinked once, twice. "Okay?"
James grabbed Edward and kissed him passionately. After they pulled away, Edward barfed up Gummy Bears. "I-irritable grizzly!" he spat.
"You taste very… kosher…" James admitted, licking his lips. "Are you sure you're not Jewish? Kyle?"
"Whatever," Edward hissed. "What was your second wish?"
Carlisle rushed in at that moment. "I heard a South Park pun!" he announced. "Those are bad for your glutes, you know. Gotta keep the tush tight!"
Everyone stared at him. "Ye….ah," Edward distantly agreed.
"Time to fulfill Wish 2!" James whooped happily. He unzipped his pants and took a huge piss on Carlisle.
"Wow!" Carlisle said, amazed, totally soaked in piss again. "This always keeps happening to me. Weird, James's pee smells better than Edward's. Like orange juice! I wonder if it..."
"No, Dad, I don't think it's safe for drinking," Edward finished. "Now, let's kill James and get this over with."
So they killed him and burned him and Emmett decided to take a piss on Carlisle before he went back to take a tomato juice bath again. But even then, someone peed in that bath too, so Carlisle is basically out of luck. Too bad for his glutes.