So... If you're offended by Gokudera being 14, I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. Don't read it then. :U
He cries, "Are you serious? I don't even know the 14-year-old you."
"Then keep it that way! The Tenth can handle it by himself. Right now, the new Decimo Candidate is handling all situations and being trained properly. I am going to keep you away from the younger-me and from the Tenth."
Gokudera distances himself from me. He is silent. I don't speak or try to press him.
We sit in silence for minutes before he clears his throat and says:
"I... uh... I suppose... you know how I feel about girls."
"So I really acted upon it? I'm with a guy in the future?"
"And it's you?"
He presses his fingers against the bridge of his nose as if his headaches terribly. He groans. "It's really you?"
I nod and cross my arms and lean back in the couch. I watch him from the corner of my eye.
He melodramatically lays a forearm across his eyes and groans again and says in one breath, "Oh my god I love a baseball-loving future-man who has come back to the past because I've died in the future and I am stuck in Japan on a wild goose chase and I just used my last cigarette."
I roll my eyes and let him pout.
I get up from the couch and go to the kitchen to get a drink. I take out a glass from the cupboard and turn on the water from the sink. I fill up the glass and lean against the kitchen counter as I sip slowly. I hear Gokudera, "Hey, you got any cigarettes...? I really need one."
I ask him if I leave to buy him a pack, if he'll stay or if he'll run. He tells me he has no where to go. He tells me the brand of cigarettes he wants and I leave to go buy them.
Walking to the convenience store, my mind won't stop running.
At the store, I buy a pack of cigarettes for Gokudera but as I checkout my items, I spy the brand that Hayato always smoked. I ask for a pack of those too.
As the clerk hands them to me I wonder: "What if I always buy these for Gokudera and I'm stuck in some time loop? I'm always destined to go back in time. Somehow I'll die in this timeline and it'll end up the same and I'm stuck in a loop forever and ever and ever and..."
"Sir? Sir, here's your change."
I get back to my apartment.
"Hey, Yamamoto. Can I ask you a question?"
"Of course. Just let me put these down," I motion to the cigarettes and take off my shoes. I set them down on the kitchen counter and sit back down on the couch with him.
He won't look me in the eyes and clears his throat, "I've been giving a lot of thought about how you and I are together in the future. And I, uh, found the picture of you and me that you brought from the future."
"You went through my things?"
"Look, I'm sorry, but if someone's telling me that they love me, even if it's the future me, it's still me. And, I gotta be honest with you, no one has loved me in a long time. I know that I, uh, uh..." His face turns dark red as he speaks, "ah, fuck. I don't know how to say it without sounding like a girl. But you know I left Italy and I'm here to find the Tenth and like... make my own journey. And... really, uh... no one has shown me love since... my mother... died."
I am not pleased that Gokudera was looking through the few possessions I brought with me to the past. But instead of anger, I tell Gokudera to wait for a second. I go into my bedroom and pull the picture out from my desk drawer carefully, I make a point not to touch the glossy side of the photo.
I sit next to Gokudera and let him look at the photo but I say, "Please, if you want to look at it, do so, but it's special to me. It's the last memory, the last piece of Hayato that I have." I pass it to him slowly and look at it with him.
In this photo, Hayato and I are both 19-years-old. We had gone to a formal ball accompanying the Tenth. In the picture we wear nice tuxes and our hair and skin are clean and groomed well. I have him in my arms, held close to my chest, my face is turned slightly, cheek is buried into his hair. We both smile at the camera. Hayato's green eyes from the photo seem to look straight at me now and I have to swallow to clear the lump forming in my throat.
Every time I look at this photo I want Hayato. I want to be with him, I want him to be with me, I want to be in the future, I want to be in the past.
I want to be nowhere.
Gokudera's soft voice makes me look up at him. A troubled look overcomes his face.
I force myself to speak, "what did you say?"
"You're so happy in that photo!" Gokudera is red in the face and exclaims, "I mean, I am too in that photo, but I have never seen you smile like that! You look so happy in that picture of us!"
"Yeah, I was pretty happy back then. I thought I had it all," I stop and look at the TV, but I am really looking past it seeing my life unfold in front of my eyes. He is right. I haven't smiled in a long time. I used to be so happy and now... everything is so different. It took so long to break down Hayato's defenses. I broke them all down and he let me into his life. I spent so much time building our relationship up and then... what did it lead to? Hayato is gone now and all of my efforts are just wasted!"
My erratic thoughts stop as Gokudera says, "It's not wasted."
My breath quickens, Gokudera presses himself against me. His thin fingers trace the scar on my chin and I shiver.
His lips press against mine. They are soft and full, not marred by bitterness or years of fighting. They are slightly open as they press against mine. He forces me further into the kiss. For a brief second his teeth graze my lips and he offers a rushed apology between the time it takes him to put his lips back to mine.
It's the kiss of an inexperienced teenager. In my head I recognize that it doesn't feel right.
Without thinking, my hands are under his shirt. My hands feel large across his thin back. My hands clench at his skin as he bites at my lips.
"Oh Takeshi, it's been too long. Come into bed now."
His arms wrap around my shoulders. He now kisses my neck. My hands roam and search his the front of his body, lightly brushing over his little, perky nipples. His voice is breathless as he complains, "Not there..."
"How long has it been, Hayato? Two weeks, three weeks?"
He slides his petite frame into my lap. It feels like his hands are restless, feeling my body and touching me, but not in the experienced way I was once used to.
"The Tenth has kept me away for too long. Now let's get those clothes off of you, Takeshi..."
I shake myself out of my stupor when I realize Gokudera is trying to unzip my pants.
"Gokudera! Stop it!"
"Hayato, I love you."
"I thought you wanted this!"
"Aahh, just like that, Ta... Takeshi..."
Conflicted, I say, "Yes... no! I can't... look, no. You're only... fourteen..." I distance myself from him and run my hands through my hair in agitation.
"I'm still Hayato!" This statement floors me. I force myself to think that it is still the man I built my life around.
"Stop thinking about it that way! I am Hayato Gokudera!"