Wherever You Are
A Sastiel fan fiction
Sam walks alone, wandering in the cold darkness as night drags on. He leaves the house, he leaves the yard, and walks with a heavy heart through the junkyard. Rows upon rows, piles of empty cars stare at him, filling his heart with the most soul-crushing loneliness he's ever felt. So this is how it ends, he thinks, in loneliness and desperation. He inhales deeply, knowing his breaths are numbered now and none of this will last much longer.
Dean and Bobby are back in the house, pacing nervously now that they've nothing left to do but wait. They've got the last of the horsemen's rings. Now it's the last night before the final stage, the true test, the end. Dean and Bobby are busy drowning their anxiety in alcohol but Sam knows he cannot indulge in such sweet relief tonight. His must keep a clear head. If there's any way to prepare for the devil, this would be it. Though he seriously doubts it will do much good.
He stares up hopelessly at the stars as if they will somehow save him. Fighting back tears, he knows he will never again witness those tiny little pinpricks of light in the sky. And just now, it seems, he sees their true beauty. He thinks it sad how things seem to be most beautiful only when you realize you're about to lose them.
As he continues walking, trying to calm the thoughts in his mind, he turns a corner amidst the sea of empty shells and is surprised to find Castiel there, sitting on the rusted hood of an old truck.
"Damn it." Sam says, swallowing down his tears. "Even when you're human you've got a habit of sneaking up on people."
The angel turns to him and reciprocates Sam's fake smile with a false grin of his own. He thinks it strange how they can both pretend to be happy at a time like this. And yet, somehow they are, both happy and sad, in each other's presence.
"Hello, Sam." Cas says simply. He slides off the hood of the truck and looks at Sam. Their eyes meet and seem to communicate more than words ever could.
As Sam stares at the man, he feels his heart collapsing in on itself. This is his last chance to tell Cas, in his own words, how he really feels, even though he is certain that Castiel already knows. How could he not know? But he has to tell him in his own words at least once before the end. Maybe then that will make the last desperate dive into the cage even the slightest bit easier, knowing that Cas knew.
"I'm glad I found you here. I, uhh…need to tell you something," Sam begins, stepping closer.
"Of course, Sam. Anything," and Sam's heart soars at the soothing voice of the one he loves. But it all comes crashing down on him when he realizes that Cas will soon be ripped from him along with everything else he's ever loved.
Cas watches as Sam's smile flickers and dies. He cringes at how Sam looks so old, so used up. He is pained and defeated as he moves on tired feet.
"What is it?" Cas breaths, worried by the unidentifiable look in Sam's eyes.
Their audience of metal corpses is silent as the two dare not move closer to each other, afraid of what this is between them that they both feel.
Sam runs a hand over his face but it does not wipe away the emotion there. He chuckles nervously. "I suppose you expected me to tell you eventually, didn't you?" Cas cocks his head in confusion. "I mean…it's really kind of pathetic and cliché. Last night on earth, you know?"
"I'm not following…"
"I-" Sam pauses, taking a moment to look at Castiel, who is genuinely confused, and therefore, so is Sam. "You mean you don't know?" He dares to step closer to the other man, a small, ashamed smile creeping across his lips.
"Know what, Sam?"
"How I feel about you, Cas…" Isn't it obvious, he thinks.
"And how would that be?" Cas knows exactly what is going on but he's afraid to admit it to himself.
Sam doesn't use words to explain. He shows Cas.
The space between them vanishes in the blink of an eye and Sam presses his lips to Castiel's.
Cas doesn't move. He doesn't kiss Sam back and fear that he'd made a terrible mistake grows in the hunter's heart. Cupping Castiel's face, he pulls at his lips one last time with his own hoping against hope to draw some reaction from the angel. It doesn't work and he reluctantly pulls away.
"I love you, Castiel," he finally admits, as if the kiss could not explain it well enough.
"Sam…" Cas starts, but the look on his face is not promising. "Please. I can't do this. Not now."
"Cas," Sam forces a nervous laugh. "It's now or never." Meanwhile he thinks, please don't do this to me. And Cas is thinking the same thing.
Cas never could deny that he had wanted to spend the rest of eternity with Sam Winchester. That was all he had wanted for a long time now. But knowing that dream can never be, that Sam will be locked away from him forever in hell…what would be the point? And so he must deny his affection.
Cas sighs, but then his voice turns hard and cold as stone. "I guess it's never then."
Cas turns on his heels and walks off to leave Sam alone once again.
Sam lies on the bed, wide awake, his thoughts spinning out of control. He isn't exactly expecting to sleep. He knows sleep will be impossible at a time like this. But he hopes to at least rest his body if not his soul.
He rolls over, sighing painfully, though the pain is in his heart, not his body.
The clock reads 2:37 am. He falls back against the pillow in defeat. His eyes fall closed and he rests for a moment, but soon the sound of the door opening breaks the silence. Someone enters and shuts the door.
"Cas?" Sam snaps up to face the angel who crosses the room in a few quick strides. And before Sam can speak, Castiel is upon him, grabbing Sam by the front of his shirt. He yanks their bodies together and lips crash against lips.
Sam has no idea what is going on but he certainly isn't going to argue. He only prays that he's not dreaming. He leans into Castiel, fumbling hands grasping for purchase. He takes Cas by the waist and pulls him down on top of him as he lays back and Cas' chest presses against his own.
When the kiss finally breaks, Cas is mumbling into Sam's lips, "I'm sorry Sam. I was wrong. I love you. I do." Sam hears the heartbreak in Castiel's voice and tears are drawn to both of their eyes.
"It's ok, it's ok," Sam mutter's back, gently taking Cas' face in his hands.
Cas chokes back what sounds like a sob, when suddenly, he stares long and hard at Sam's face in the darkness and something changes. He swallows and his features take on an animalistic glare. "I desire you," Cas breaths.
Sam's eyes grow wide as his brain takes longer than usual to process this, unsure if Cas had actually said that because damn was it hot.
Once he was certain that it was not his imagination playing tricks, he claims Cas' lips once more and ruts their hips together.
Cas moans softly and Sam just about loses it right there. He tangles a hand into Cas' dark hair, holds the other to the angel's back and rolls so the angel is now beneath him. He kisses Castiel fiercely, like his life depends on it, because it might as well.
"Sam," Cas breaths against Sam's hot, wet lips. "Mmm…" He thrusts his body against the man above him, drawing Sam in closer. "I'm sorry it has to end like this. To be over before it begins…"
"Don't say that." Sam cuts him off with a rough, sloppy kiss.
"I didn't want to love you because I know I can't handle the pain when you're gone." Cas whimpers in the darkness, emotion shown through his shaking hands. "Will you make it worth it?" He whispers. "Coming to you for the last possible time?"
He fights back the desire to take Cas rough and hard right there and instead gently presses his lips to Cas' ear. "I will, Cas," he promises sweetly. "I love you," he mutters, trailing kisses along the angel's jaw and down his neck.
Cas huffs out a breath, "I know."
Cas sighs beneath him and Sam's head is spinning, overwhelmed by the taste of Cas' lips, the rough groping of his hands and the absolute lust dripping from their bodies.
Their breath picks up quickly. Sam's hands explore Cas' chest and Cas moans softly, throwing his head back to allow Sam more skin. The hunter bites and sucks and leaves his mark there, making his last and final claim.
"Ah!" Cas cries at the stinging pain of Sam's teeth on his flesh.
Sam's hands move down over the buttons of Cas' shirt and begins to undo them. Cas' own hands fumble, attempting to help, but only get in the way.
"Stop." Sam grabs Cas' wrists and pulls them out of his way. "Let me do this." His breath is hot and dripping with want. Cas lets him slip off every last layer slowly and seductively. While he does this, a certain lower extremity grows extremely displeased with this pace. His cock hardens with every lingering touch as he watches Sam undress him, those wanting, lustful eyes running all over his body. Sam's tongue flicks out when he licks his lips as his hands fumble with Cas' belt.
Cas is too impatient for this.
"Sam," he pleads. The darkness is filled with the sound of their heavy breath. "It's always been you. I've always wanted you. There's never been anyone else. Please," he hisses, throwing his head back and digging nails into Sam's shoulders, making the hunter's head spin. "Claim me," he breaths. "Make me yours."
And Sam does not disappoint.
Cas' words run like fire through Sam's veins, making his skin tingle all over and it adds to the warm heat throbbing below his belt.
He ravishes Cas' lips once more before making his way down Cas' chest. He holds his hips down beneath his strong grip, breath ghosting across the angel's stomach.
"Cas," He whispers against his skin. Cas' only response is a weak whimper, writhing beneath the hunter. "Is this your first time?" Their eyes meet in a gaze of love and incredible trust. Cas manages to nod once before throwing his head back and thrusting up into Sam. "It's ok." Sam places a gentle kiss on this skin right above the seam of his pants. "I've got you." Sam's hand travels back up Cas' chest and the angel latches onto his wrist, clinging to him as if he were drowning. The hunter's other hand slowly undoes Cas' pants and slides them down and off.
Without warning, Sam's strong hands turn Cas onto his side and Sam lays his body flush against his back, breathing hot against Cas' neck while he hurries to remove his own trousers.
"Cas. Do you trust me?" Sam holds his lover tight against him, breathing gently against his ear.
Cas groans with want and manages to say through a shuttering breath, "Yes. With my life."
Sam's response is a gentle kiss on Cas' shoulder, a promise of gentleness, a sign of pure and true affection.
Sam tries his very best to wet his fingers before beginning to work Castiel. The last thing he wants to do is hurt the angel in such a vulnerable state. So he clings tighter to Castiel, burying his nose into his neck making sure Castiel knows he is safe in his arms.
Slowly, he slides one slick finger into Castiel who gasps at the unfamiliar contact.
"Shh…" Sam breaths against Cas' back. "You're alright." He kisses the angel's neck again and again and Cas believes him.
Cas pants desperately for air as Sam's first finger is joined by a second and a third. He moans, hot and heavy, flinching at the painful pleasure of friction. He makes small, pained noises that sound as if he's in distress, but what's happening between his legs betrays otherwise. He whines at the loss of contact when Sam removes his fingers. But when Sam takes Cas' hand in his own and squeezes hard, Cas knows what's coming.
"This is going to hurt, Cas," Sam warns and he braces Cas' hips with a tight grip. But Cas is beyond caring about pain at this point. He just needs Sam, desperately and uncontrollably.
"Sam, please…" Cas growls digging his fingers into Sam's hand. And Sam complies, pushing hard into Castiel.
Cas screams and throws his hand back to grab at Sam's soft, brown hair. Slowly, Sam pushes further and harder, moaning as he goes, sending Cas deeper into ecstasy.
Once he's fully inside, he stops, certain that the angel will need a moment to adjust, but Cas was already fed up with going slow. He roughly takes Sam's hand from his hip and shoves it against his own neglected erection. Sam takes the hint, smiling a little, as he curls his long slender fingers around Cas' cock.
"Damn it, Sam. Move!" And shit, Sam had never intended to make Cas beg, but damn was he loving it. Perhaps a little too much.
Sam willingly obeys and begins thrusting into Castiel while at the same time, gripping Cas' cock and pumping steadily.
Cas throws his head back and releases a loud moan as he keeps time with his lover's body by rolling his hips back against Sam each time he thrusts. Together, they surrender to pleasure and passion, letting go and falling into each other's arms.
Cas' head is swimming with new sensation. He never thought there could be such a feeling as this, giving yourself, body, mind and soul to the one you love. And now he understands. He understands what it means to be human.
The sex is rough and gentle at the same time as they try desperately to express as much emotion in this one simple action as they can. Making up for all the times they could have done this but didn't and all the moments lost to Sam's fate.
Sam holds Cas close and takes him to his climax. With a few more strokes of Sam's strong, slick hands, Cas releases a lustful cry and comes into Sam's hand. Sam isn't far behind after that. With a few more pumps and a cry of Cas' name he releases all he has deep inside the angel.
They both pant heavily. Cas is in awe of the glorious new experience and is disappointed that this will be his last. But he knows that he had been foolish before, because now he sees that he would rather have Sam like this than to never have had him at all. His only thought now is Sam and how much he loves him. Before all this, he'd thought it impossible to love someone so much.
Cas musters his strength after a moment of rest to roll over and curl into Sam's arms. He presses their foreheads together, entangling their legs and gently taking Sam's hand as it rests on his chest.
Sam's heart breaks when he sees the angel's face, shining with sweat, blue eyes glowing in the darkness and full, swollen lips parted softly.
"Cas…" Sam whimpers, cringing at how pathetic he sounds, but he forgets himself when the eyes of the fallen angel meet his. He breathes out a sigh and on it are the barely audible words, "I'm afraid." And he is, down to the depths of his soul. Afraid of losing Dean and Cas and Bobby. Afraid of what horrors await him in the cage. He'd always been strong, but this sacrifice was enough to break anyone.
Cas draws the hunter into his arms and feels Sam shaking. His now very human heart feels the aching pull of heartbreak for the first time.
"You have every right to be, oh righteous one." But still, Cas knows that his attempts to console Sam are in vain, and there is nothing to be truly said at a time like this. And so desperation takes him. "I promise you, Sam. I will find you, wherever you are." His voice is strong, but no amount of emotion could make such a statement convincing.
"No. Not this time," Sam responds sadly.
"You watch me, Sam Winchester."
"Cas, you're human. You can't just go rampaging into hell to save me."
"I'd do it for you!" Cas cries.
"No, please," Sam pleads. "Promise me, Castiel. You won't try to bring me back." Cas begins shaking his head in refusal but Sam's hands grab the sides of his face to hold him still. "Look me in the eye and promise me. I can't let you get hurt."
Cas whimpers, his eyes full to the brim with tears. With a shaky voice, he manages to choke out, "And you think I feel differently about you?"
After that, they fall silent, exchanging pained, mournful glances and break down in each other's arms, falling to pieces in the presence of the only person who can make them feel safe.
Sam has never seen the angel cry before. Now, Cas is shattering at his fingertips. And this is what makes Sam wish for the end. To see what he's done to this beautiful, ancient creature is what makes him hate himself more than he ever dreamed was possible. And he knows now that he can make that last jump, the final fall, and gratefully accept the punishment he knows he deserves for all the pain he's caused and for tearing his beautiful angel to shreds.