This is not the most original of ideas (or titles) but it's fun to write.
Rated for language and future smut. Abandon all seriousness (and hope) here.
For some reason, a baby elephant was sitting on Darcy's head.
"Holy shit, Jane," she mumbled into the pillow as consciousness made its annoying, insistent presence felt. Why she was even in the same bed as Jane was a mystery, one that would probably involve opening her eyes to figure out, so for now it would remain unsolved. The only way she could even tell was because of the weight in the bed next to her, and the soft, muffled breathing close to her ear."How much did you let me drink last night?"
"I am not Jane," a very male voice replied, coated in sleep.
Oh fuck. Her eyes opened in shock, pain lancing in at the bright sunlight. The voice belonged to Loki. The hand she was just realising was curled around her thigh-her naked thigh-belonged to Loki.
The gold band on her left hand also belonged to Loki.
"Shit," she hissed, what memories she had of the night before returning at the sight of the ring. Vegas, alcohol, drunken visit to the wedding chapel. And then... "What would you say if I told you we got accidentally got married last night?"
The hand on her thigh tightened its grip then was removed altogether. "I remember," he said quietly.
Darcy buried her face into the pillow, but it was too late to hide from the situation. She was in bed with the alien prince she'd mistakenly married the night before. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. She needed a plan.
"Okay, first off, can you do something about my head? Because I want to die."
There was a grunt, then he shifted away, climbing out of the bed to go do whatever it was he was going to do. She rolled over, gripping the sheets tight around her body, right into the warm spot he'd left. His body heat reminded her of exactly how they'd ended up naked in bed together and she stifled a squeak, crossing her legs at the ankles. Now was not the time to get distracted by memories of warm skin and long fingers. She had to focus.
This had happened that one time on Friends, right? They could get an annulment. It'd be easy. Then they could back to the uneasy friendship they had going on. Well, friendship was kind of overstating it. She tolerated him because Thor asked her to, when everyone else gave him the cold shoulder. The fact that she could barely remember all the things they'd done in this bed last night was almost like it had never happened anyway, so there was no reason for things to get awkward.
When Loki came back she averted her eyes, because he didn't seem to have any compunctions about walking around in the altogether. His face was unreadable-if she'd had to guess at an expression, it was 'give me more fucking sleep'. He handed her a glass of water and a white pill.
"Advil? That's your magical solution?" she asked.
"I have...enhanced it," he said, crawling back under the section of sheets she'd left free. She shrugged and tossed it back, shutting her eyes and waiting for something to happen.
"I have a plan," she told him. It was much easier to talk to him when she couldn't see him. That way, if his expression turned murderous-or if he genuinely decided to murder her-then she had no idea and could live on in blissful ignorance.
"Really." Yeah, he sounded as exhausted as she felt.
"We get an annulment. It'll be like last night never happened. Well, the wedding part, at least."
"It's that easy," he replied flatly.
"Sure. We just have to go to city hall or whatever it is here and fill in some papers." She cracked one eye open and realised the pounding in her head had vanished. "Oh, wow. That was some enhancement." He'd pulled a pillow over his face, so she took the opportunity to stumble off the bed, grab her clothes and run for the bathroom.
It was hard to tell what Loki's reaction was, but he didn't seem deliriously happy. Not that she expected him to be. She ought to be thankful he wasn't burning Vegas down-his opinion of human beings had not improved much since he'd returned to Earth, so she doubted he was impressed at the idea of marrying one. Or, indeed, sleeping with one.
Showering helped cure what the painkiller hadn't, apart from all the soreness from the post-wedding activities. She hadn't seen any evidence of condoms on her dash for the bathroom, but her birth control shot meant she wouldn't be welcoming any Mini Mischiefs into the world.
She checked to make sure Loki was fully covered before re-entering the bedroom. "I'm good to go. Are you coming?"
"No," he said with finality, rolling over so his back was to her. His naked, pale, lithely muscled back. Despite her annoyance with him, her mouth watered at the sight. She was 75% sure she'd licked his back at some point during the night, and she couldn't blame herself. In fact, if she looked closely enough, she was sure a faint ring of teeth marks still branded his skin just below his shoulder blade. "You deal with it."
This was all Tony Stark's fault.
It'd started innocently enough. Let's all go out and celebrate defeating Thanos' invasion of Earth! Tony Stark's paying! Except, oh wait, we can't go out in NYC because someone might recognise Loki, who is kinda-sorta-one-of-us now but did kill a lot of people in the city that one time. So off to Vegas we all go, Loki begrudgingly, because he wasn't really an Avenger, just someone with a grudge against Thanos who'd fought on the right side. Darcy's role as Tony's new assistant (she came from three generations of mechanics-of course she was good with technology, tasers included) meant she got an invitation too, and as if Jane was going to agree to go without her.
Of course, Jane had hated all the gaudy lights and constant gambling, so she'd escaped to the room she shared with Thor yesterday afternoon, feigning a headache. Darcy wasn't a fan of gambling either but since Jane had stolen the headache excuse, she was left babysitting the Asgardians. At least they'd been persuaded to wear suits rather than their eye-catching armor. Boy did Armani look good on the pair of them.
Bringing the god of mischief to the mecca of gambling was, in hindsight, a poor choice. He didn't cheat exactly, proclaiming games of chance beneath him. Instead, he tinkered with the slot machines, studying them to figure out how they worked and then zapping them with whatever mojo they needed to allow Thor to win near constantly. Not that Thor knew this. Thor was definitely a believer in luck. He wasn't winning high stakes but he was so happy every time the machine lit up and spat coins out at him, whooping and beaming like a kid.
That, right there, was when Darcy clued in on what Loki was doing. He and Thor had mended a few bridges during the fight against Thanos, and now Loki was doing something to repay his brother for standing by him despite everything. It was kind of sweet in an illegal sort of way. She'd told him that later, when alcohol had shut down any hope of a filter.
"You're not all evil, really. Just misunderstood."
There'd been a lot of uncertainty hidden behind his replying sneer.
And, oh, had there been alcohol. She'd stuck to the fancy, fruity cocktails the bar served, laughing louder every time she went to order one with a kinky name. Earth alcohol just wasn't good enough for the Princes of Asgard, and Loki had somehow strengthened the beer they were drinking to Midgardian levels. Seeing Thor stagger around was hilarious yet alarming. When the casino got suspicious about Thor's winning streak, the three of them piled into a cab and headed for another one.
"Oh my God-look, it's the wedding chapel!" Darcy yelled as they stopped at a set of lights, the neon sign of the chapel up ahead. "Someone has to get married. It's Vegas. Someone always has to go home accidentally married by a bad fake Elvis."
"I wish that Jane were here to fulfill the requirement with me," Thor said, pouting wistfully. "But since I cannot marry you, Darcy, without upsetting her, you must marry Loki instead."
It had been logical at the time.
"Pull over!" she'd instructed the driver, then they'd all piled into the chapel. Even Loki was far more jovial than usual in his inebriated state. It got fuzzier from there-Darcy thought the vows may have included promises to never try and take over the Earth again (Loki) or call Loki sweet again (her). At least she'd got an awesome ring out of the deal, since Loki'd upgraded the cheap gold-plated band they bought on the spot for the real deal, courtesy of the same magic that had pimped the booze.
Once the ceremony was over, Thor attempted to carry them both out of the chapel bridal style, but the best he'd been able to manage was a stagger to the curb. They shoved him into a cab and clambered in after him, then manhandled him at the hotel until he was safely snoring on the carpet outside Jane's door. From there, an unusually handsy Loki had carried her to her room.
Well, shit. That was a whole other stupid decision.
Since she had no idea where she needed to go, she hailed a cab outside the hotel.
"City hall?" she said, avoiding the driver's eye as she slid into the backseat.
"You have fun last night, sweetheart?" he asked with a knowing grin, pulling into the traffic. "You need the clerk's office."
"Hmm." She leant her head against the glass and shut her eyes against the glare of the sun. The cab stopped only a few streets from where they'd departed and the driver demanded an eye-watering fare. "That was, like, three blocks. You could've just given me directions."
He shrugged and held out his hand, shit-eating grin in place. She smashed some bills into his palm and crawled out, slamming the door behind her, and kept stomping until she was inside and at the right desk. Then all her anger evaporated, leaving only itchy, squelchy sheepishness behind. How did she do this? "Hi, I'm the idiot that got drunk and married a sociopathic alien. I may have some buyer's remorse." Holy shit, what was her mother going to say when she found out?
She vowed then and there that her mother was never going to find out.
There was only one person in line in front of her, and they only took a few minutes, leaving her facing a very bored-looking desk clerk. She took a deep breath and stepped forward.
"Hi," she said brightly, checking the clerk's name tag, "Rhonda. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go about this but-"
"You need these," Rhonda said, taking one look at Darcy and reaching for a bundle of forms. "When it asks you for your reasoning, tick lack of understanding, say it was due to intoxication. Use black ink, make sure it's legible, and you need to arrange for a disinterested third party to serve the summons to the other person. You got any reason to think he'll contest it?"
"Um...no." The documents were about annulments. The clerk had apparently seen this all before. "I don't need the marriage certificate, do I? Because I'm not sure where it is."
"No. We just need your details, we can find a record of the ceremony from those." Darcy was pretty sure Rhonda had this monologue down to an art. "It's going to take at least 20 days for a court date to come up but if the suit's not contested, you don't need to be present, we'll send you notification that the annulment's been processed successfully."
Darcy blew out a breath in relief. "That's...good, yeah, that's awesome. I won't be here in 20 days."
Rhonda gave a disinterested smile. "That'll be $270."
"We accept check, cash or card."
"Um, I might have to come back with that." She could hit Tony up for the cash, surely. No, then she'd have to explain what happened, and Tony was the worse person to find out about this. Maybe Loki could sent Thor back out to the slot machines and magic up some dollars, because her bank account didn't have a tenth of that in it. "I kind of need to speak to...the guy...to check what his details are." She clapped a hand over her mouth, realising what it sounded like. "I mean-I know his name and stuff, just maybe not exactly his name."
Stop talking. Thing was, she had no idea what Loki's alias was called. Luke something. She'd have to speak to him and get all of his fake information.
"I'll be back with these," Darcy said, scooping the papers up and shoving them into her purse. Rhonda was already sizing up the person in the line behind her.
About a block away from the office, she realised why everyone took cabs everywhere in Vegas. They had air conditioning. She was used to New Mexico desert heat, but something about the all-over concrete of the city made the midday sun stifling, and maybe she'd been exaggerating when she'd said it was only three blocks. It felt a lot more than three blocks now and ye gods did she ache everywhere. Especially where she'd let an actual god have his fun.
"Stupid god," she mumbled to herself. "Stupid immortal can't handle his booze. Stupid husband. Oh, motherfucker, I have a husband."
Maybe she could hock the ring for the cash to pay for the annulment. Actually, if Loki had done a proper upgrade, it was probably worth way more than the clerk's fee. He had a gold fetish anyway so he wouldn't skimp-she was probably wearing a ring worth more than her annual salary.
Actually, why was she still wearing the ring? She decided it was safer on her hand than being lost in the bowels of her purse. She just hoped Loki didn't demand it back.
Inside the sweet relief of the hotel's air-conditioned lobby, she stopped to finally check her phone. Three missed calls from Jane but nothing from anyone else. If everyone else had been out as late as she had-and knowing the rest of the crew that had come to Vegas, it was probably even later-no one was going to be awake yet. And there was still a god in her bed. She should get brunch at the hotel buffet then call Jane back. No point dealing with Jane's over-the-phone meltdown at the news (because there was no way Thor hadn't told her what'd happened) on an empty stomach.
The buffet bar was nearly empty at this weird time of morning; everyone had already eaten or wasn't the breakfast type. At least, that was what she assumed, until she turned a corner in the L-shaped room and found the biggest table in the middle crammed with Avengers. Tony Stark sat at the head of the table, which was lined with green and gold balloons, wearing the smirkiest smirk she'd ever seen. Thor sat at the opposite end, Jane slung under his arm, who to her credit looked ready to shrink under the table.
"Darcy!" Thor greeted. "Come sit. Will my brother be joining us soon? I have arranged a wedding breakfast."
The quiet footfall behind her and the way everyone's eyes widened at something over her shoulder told her Loki had just arrived. Perfect. Vegas might burn after all.
A/N: Thanks to Lindsey, Rhi and Twiggy for a super-quick beta job. All mistakes are mine (especially any lingering Britishisms). Also thanks to tinyobsessive for the prompt, and Sigridhr for offering it to the world at large.
Since this is for Monday Mischief, I'll probably be updating every other Monday for the time being. Word of warning - at this point I have only the vaguest idea of where I'm going with this. Expect more than a hint of crack, but also naked Loki.