title: kissed me quite insane

summary: Pools of sorrow, waves of joy.

author's note: The title and lyrics (featured beeelow) are not mine. They are from Sylvia Plath's poem, "Mad Girl's Love Song." The summary is from "Across the Universe." (I feel like such a cliché white girl omg) and if you can guess what the letter is from, I'll give you my love. Or you can PM me and I'll write you a story or something – God, I am so weird.

I've been writing this for ages and all I have to say is: I really ship BeckAbby, fuck fuck fuck.

Sorry if this is bad. I needed it to be done. I couldn't even end it right because I honestly just burst into tears.

If my English teacher was reading this, he'd probably smack me for using foreshadowing incorrectly.

/

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed, and sung me moonstruck, kissed me quite insane.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

/

There was a girl with gleaming hair that shined like pennies.

But there was a funeral for this girl, and there was a boy who was never the same again.

/

Beck Oliver has a lot to hide, and that is not a lie.

/

He remembers these things about her.

The flowers in her garden bended towards her, as if she was the sun. People passed her on the streets and looked to see her face again. It wasn't as if she was unique or very beautiful, but she possessed a light in her that made her appear to be radiant. But also, he remembers how she was beautiful because of that. Her nose was broken from a childhood accident and her eyes were forest green. Her teeth were crooked and her lips were a bright pink.

He can't remember a moment that he didn't think she was perfect for him.

/

"Sometimes," she whispered once, "I think this isn't real."

He whispers back, his toes wiggling against hers, "What isn't?"

She smiles with her teeth out of line and her tongue poking out slightly.

"I feel butterflies, Beck. I feel little tiny butterflies and they never stop flying."

He doesn't understand her most of the time; her innocent heart and her mischievous mind. He likes her more than anyone else he has ever met.

/

He writes her a letter, twenty days after her funeral, and it says –

/

When he first meets her, he's sitting on a couch at some frat party and she rolls her heel over his crotch. Her eyes are lined in the darkest shade of black he's ever seen and he never even knew there was another shade of black before.

Her lipstick is a pale brown color and it looks like she doesn't even have lips, and for some reason, it really makes him horny in a way he cannot believe.

But it could also just be because she rolled her heel over his crotch and that's just so fucking hot.

They find their way into a bathroom. It's not his first time having sex, but it's hers and he wouldn't even guess, but there's blood dripping down her thigh by the time it's all done. She's teetering a bit on those sky high heels as she gets up, but he pulls her back into the bathroom and they sit on the floor, her eyes a little dull and her body shaking. She turns to him and says softly, "I'm Abby."

"Beck," he says coolly.

He offers her his hand but she kisses him instead.

He brings her home in his car and she steals his phone. She puts his number in her phone because she says she'll have so much more fun being the one in charge and he decides he likes her too much already.

"Call me soon," he says before he can stop himself.

She grins, and gets out of the car. He's sitting in his car, looking at her dorm and wondering what the hell just happened, when his phone rings.

"This is the part where you leave," she trills.

His laugh fills the car and he says, "I have your number now."

He can practically hear her eyes rolling when she says, "Jesus, I hope I didn't just give a stalker my number."

She hangs up before he can say anything more, and he's so confused, but there's a smile on his face, so he thinks that everything's all right.

/

Sometimes, he wonders if she's a fairy. It's a stupid thing to think, but when she smiles, he loses all his corruption, all his thoughts. She has this ancient smile that sits in her eyes, and it could make the strongest of men do her bidding.

She's almost like Jade, he thinks. Although, Abby tastes sweeter, more like some happier substance he's lacking – or something. She reminds him of many people rolled into one. She's a mixture of every girl he's ever been in love with without their flaws. The bubbliness and smile of Cat Valentine, the humor and grace of Tori Vega, the wit and ambition of Jade West, all rolled into Abby McPherson.

He wonders how it worked out, how he was handed such a perfect person. He wonders what good thing he's done to deserve her, and he's so happy, so happy that he did it because he has her and she's beautiful.

/

He meets her parents on the day of her funeral, and he finds that to be one of the saddest things of all. They are not what he expected at all, two very sad, boring people, without the copper gleaming hair or the crooked teeth. In fact, they do not seem like they could've even created such a beautiful creature.

They sit in silence the car ride there until Abby's mother tells him that Abby loved him, and he starts to scream for no reason at all.

Or maybe there is a reason. Maybe it's because he knows she fucking loved him, but she didn't love him enough to warn him – maybe it's because their whole relationship was labelled with a death sentence – maybe it's because he just misses her because she's Abby and she left him without anything to remember her by.

Her mother wraps him in her arms and sings him old time Beatles songs – the ones Abby played for him on her record player while singing dreadfully along, and he gets it. He sees her in her parents.

Her father cries into Beck's shirt before they have to leave the car, and Beck holds his hand because he knows Abby would have done so.

/

She's holding his hand in the hospital, and he's trying not to cry, because she threatened to kick him out if he did.

"You know, Beck," she says in a perfect impression of a Jewish mother, "I have the perfect girl for you. She's just like me, if you squint. Her name is Anna McPherson and she has copper hair just like me and she's much, much nicer than I'll ever be."

"I don't need anyone but you, Abby."

She looks at him with half pitying eyes and says, "Cancer is a bitch, Beckett."

He grips her bed sheets and she continues, "Okay, so my sister is out. I always thought that Tori Vega was the prettiest from your high school days. All you have to do is call her up and say: Hey Tori, what's up? Oh, you're a superstar already? Wow, that's awesome. You know, my ex-girlfriend, I say ex because she's dead, well... she died! Yeah, we should totally get together sometime soon, it's been ages!"

"Why are you doing this, Abby? It's not making it any better."

She huffs and opens her mouth again, but then suddenly stops. Her face goes white and she digs her nails into her freckly skin.

He grabs her hand, "Abby, come on, babe. You can scream. It's okay to hurt. Don't hold it in. Please. Scream as loud as you can."

She looks at him with haunted eyes, and she does not scream – does not make a noise.

He starts to cry, and when the pain ebbs, she makes him leave like she threatened.

/

He remembers smoking weed with her for the first time. She blows gray smoke rings from her bright lips and he finds it ridiculously attractive.

His eyes are wide with surprise when he sees her stash, "How did you get so much weed, Abby Road?"

She giggles while coughing, releasing giant puffs of smoke, "Medicinal, Beckett, it's medicinal."

He thinks it's a joke. They laugh hysterically, rolling on her dorm floor.

It wasn't.

/

At her funeral, he practically feels her at his side.

Her sister stumbles out of her beat up car, eyes red rimmed, and he wonders what the cause of the redness is. He sees Abby in her sister, copper hair and slightly lighter green eyes, and it psychically hurts him to see her.

He turns away and stares at the other attendees, and at the sight of them, he curses to himself.

Abby always knew how to make a statement.

/

In the beginning of their relationship, he brings her to the movies. The movie theater he chooses only plays foreign and independent films, which she teases him for. They serve tea instead of soda, and the seats are velvet, and she decides it's absolutely lovely. He tells her that one day, he'll buy it just for her, and she laughs, and he doesn't get why.

Because Beck failed French, they end up watching this ridiculously sad movie about cancer patients and he ends up crying. She doesn't, and he calls her heartless for it.

"I'm not heartless, Beck," she says while smiling, "I'm just not as sensitive as you."

He calls her heartless for weeks on afterwards, and doesn't even think of reasons why she wouldn't cry.

/

He stares at the coffin because it's the only safe thing there.

Tori is the one to come up to him first, and he's not surprised in the slightest.

"She called me a few days before," she says quietly, "Told me how much she loved you. She made me cry so hard that she yelled at me. I could tell she was perfect, just from her words."

She links her hand with his, and he knows it is out of friendship and love and Abby.

"Tell me how you met," she demands.

He tells her the story, and tells her every single detail of them, and even though it's Tori Vega in front of him, it's Abby who is hearing.

/

Once, when they're making out in his room, Abby brings up his high school days.

"I bet you composed sonnets for all the girls and drove them wild," she giggles, while taking off her shirt.

"No, no," he laughs while unbuckling his belt, "I had only two girlfriends in high school."

She wiggles out of her skirt and says, "Mmm, they definitely were beautiful."

He cups her face in his hands, "Not as beautiful as you."

She swats him away, "No being cheesy. You're going to break the rules!"

He kisses her, reveling in her taste and letting his fingers drum against her spine. She pulls away, to his dismay, "So, wait, what happened?"

He smirks at her, "Why so curious?"

"Just taking notes," she says, rolling her eyes. "Come on with it. What happened?"

He sits down on his bed and groans, "I don't know, Abby. Life got in the way. With Jade, we had been together for too long to let ourselves be separate people. And Tori – well, I guess we just –"

"What?"

He shakes his head, "I don't know, Abby. It's not like some big tragedy happened. No one died, nothing extreme happened to end things – they just ended."

"Oh," she says.

And then he's kissing her again, and this time, she doesn't stop him.

/

When they lower Abby's coffin into the ground, he doesn't cry. Tori does, and she squeezes his hand so hard that he doesn't even feel it.

He doesn't feel much of anything though.

Everybody is hugging each other, kissing cheeks, crying into black clothes and he is still.

Jade comes up to him then, which is when he finally notices that Tori has been holding his hand the whole time. Jade nods at Tori, and Tori goes to pay respects to Abby's parents.

"Hi," Beck coughs out.

"I met her once," Jade abruptly says, "She bought me coffee. Knew my order and everything. I thought she was a fucking weirdo, but I liked her. She actually made me laugh a few times, which is..."

He nods, and she doesn't say anything else.

"I would say sorry for your loss," she says, "But I know how you hate that."

"It's alright," he says, after a moment of thought, "I think you can say that."

She sticks out her hand, but he hugs her instead. He notices how there is nothing between them anymore, no spark or great romance. They are two people, standing in a graveyard, and all the details of their past are far, far away, in a high school yearbook.

"Cat wants to talk to you," she says into his ear, "I didn't even recognize her. It's fucking weird, Beck. She's all grown up."

He pulls away from her, and smiles wearily, "I think we all have grown up, Jade."

She beckons Cat over, and Beck is almost surprised at how different she looks. Her hair is brown, which is the first thing that comes to mind, but there's something else – something about her eyes, he thinks, that probably is very much like his.

She hugs him, though, so he knows she's still Cat.

"I know what it's like," she says, when she detaches herself from Beck, "My brother – well. Yeah. I didn't tell you guys."

It makes sense, he realizes. He hugs her again, and it feels a little better.

/

"What were you like in high school?" he asks her.

"I wasn't in school much."

He tickles her and says she was too good for high school, too good for everyone on the planet, and to this, she says, "Everyone but you, Becky."

He rolls his eyes and points out she's breaking the cheesy rule, but she kisses him and says she's allowed to.

"Well, that's unfair, Miss Abby Road," he says, "What is it that makes you allowed to break the rules?"

She looks at him with frightening seriousness, and this is when she tears his world apart.

/

Tori, Jade, and Cat bid him goodbye separately and leave him their numbers in case of emergency.

Before she leaves, Tori tells him that Abby wanted her to marry him.

Tori laughs sadly, before saying, "The sad thing is that I still think about you all the time, Beck. Even before she called me. But I think I'm going to get over it. She was fucking wonderful, you know? Obviously, you do. Oh God, I'm such an idiot. I will never be that wonderful."

She cries and she curses while doing it, and she kisses his cheek and apologizes.

"It's okay, Tori," he mumbles, "It's okay."

She hugs him, and he remembers being in love with her, and he remembers being in love with Abby and Cat and Jade and.

"Maybe, some day," he says into Tori's hair, "I'll marry you."

She laughs, but he knows she's wondering if he's saying it to her or Abby.

/

"Did you ever think about what your wedding would look like, when you were younger?"

"No," she says, "I didn't want to think about the future."

"Why not?"

"Because, it always ends the same way."

/

He officially/unofficially meets Anna at the post-funeral gathering, and she pulls him into a room and kisses him. It's unlike her sister, rough and aggressive, and he can taste whiskey on her tongue.

She pulls away and says, "Abby told me to do that."

She kisses him again, and he's too weary to push her away.

She pulls away and whips out a bottle of gin, "She called me from the hospital. She told me she didn't want me to come to see her. I'm an idiot, so I didn't. She said that she wanted to sing me this Beatles' song so we had the best last conversation that would ever exist. Oh my God, I'm crying. She hated that. Do you know that song Anna Go To Him? Obviously, you can tell our parents were fans of the Beatles. I told her, in some stupid, religious, spiritual way, the song fit her better. She told me I was always fucked up, that's why she loved me. She probably sang you tons of songs. God, she was so bad at singing. Can I sing you the song? She always said I was a good singer."

He nods and she sings it with a slurred voice.

He tells her she sounded beautiful, even though it isn't, and she kisses him again.

He closes his eyes, and he thinks, I get it, Abby. I get it.

"I love you," he says out loud, when Anna pulls away again.

She smiles at him, revealing a crooked grin.

/

This is what Abby has left him: fragments of herself scattered across the universe.

/

He writes her a letter, twenty days after her funeral, and it says:

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you.