Author's note: I don't own anything having to do with Supernatural only Abigail, Emma and Christian belong to me.
Did you notice the little but wonderful change in the summary for this story?...Yes, that is right, xoloveJBox and I will be finishing this story together so remember to praise her in your reviews for her greatness :)
Dean had suggested bringing me back to the motel but I felt compelled to go to the diner, I don't know if it was because that's where Emma was, or where the rest of my support system was or just the mere fact that I really couldn't stand to make any decision right at this moment no matter how miniscule. We pulled up to the diner and much like at the cemetery Dean came around and opened my door for me, but this time instead of offering his arm he held out his hand and I took it without a second thought. I felt like I was on autopilot as he helped me out of the car and guided me inside with his hand gently on my back. A few people turned their attention to us as we made our way in, I knew my face was flush and eyes bright red from crying. I kept my gaze on the floor trying to avoid making eye contact with anyone. I looked up for a brief second so I could locate Emma and when I did I saw her in Dad's arms, holding her teddy bear in one arm and sucking her thumb with a vacant expression, it pained me to see her like that, my little fire ball of emotion and energy looked as broken as I felt.
"Here," Dean said pulling out a chair for me next to Sam and helping me to sit down, "I'm going to go get you something to drink and Sam's going to sit with you, ok?"
I nodded, any other day I would have no problem sitting next to Sam, hell I probably would have sat on his lap just to annoy him, but today was different for some reason the second Dean was out of arm's reach I became nervous and panicky like I had been left all alone and I started coming apart at the seams. Sam didn't seem to notice nor did anyone else, especially Tim, one of Christian's military buddies, as he walked over to talk to me.
"Abigail, I'm so sorry for your loss," he started and I gave a half smile that didn't reach my eyes so he knew I'd heard him, I didn't trust my voice to say anything at the moment and he continued, "The paper didn't…I mean I don't want to upset you…I just…how did it happen?" It was almost sweet that he'd tried to find a more delicate way to ask, but there really was no way to go about these things, and that knowledge certainly did nothing to make me feel better.
I had no idea what Dad had told people, if he'd told them anything at all, and I assume within the last four days he had told me, most likely several times, but all I could think about was the glass and drops of blood on Emma's floor, seeing him tied to the chair and literally dying underneath my hands as I tired to get the blood to circulate throughout his body. The images played on a loop, ripping at my head and my heart, and every other particle of my being, and I couldn't take it, I got out of the chair and bolted out the front door frantically searching for air. I only got about thirty feet out the door before I doubled over, holding myself up with my hands on my knees.
"Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?" Sam asked putting his hands on either side of my face trying to figure out how to help me.
"Can't…breathe…" I managed to get out as I gasped for air.
"What happened?" I heard Dean ask as he jogged over to us.
"I don't know," Sam answered worriedly, thought his voice was starting to sound distant and tinny. I just about felt his hand on my elbow to make sure I wasn't going to fall over, "I think she's having a panic attack or something."
I was starting to get light headed from breathing so quickly and swayed precariously on my feet. To be honest if it wasn't for Sam still holding onto me I would have been kissing the concrete.
"Alright, sit her down," Dean instructed taking a hold of my other arm and carefully lowering me to the ground.
"De," I nearly whimpered, scared of being left alone, as I reached a shaky hand out for him.
"Should I go get Dad?" Sam questioned, sounding like a little kid again. It never ceased to amaze me that even at our ages; we still sought parental guidance and comfort when things went wrong. And my whole world felt wrong, like it was collapsing around me and there was nothing I, or anyone else, could do about it.
"No, it's alright Sammy," Dean assured him, pulling me closer to himself again, "I've got her." He ran his hands comfortingly up and down my arms, though I only needed him to be close. That was it. "You're going to be ok Abs, I've got you." He murmured into the top of my head as he rocked us both gently.
"Don't leave," I pleaded so softly that I didn't think he heard me, I wasn't even sure if the words had come out of my mouth but they were certainly screaming in my head, reverberating on the sides of my skull: don't leave me, everyone always leaves me.
He must have heard me though because he held me tighter and ran a hand through my hair, "I'm not going anywhere." He cooed gently in my ear, and his voice was so firm and full of promise that I was almost tempted to believe him. Ever fiber of my being wanted to believe him, I was always the one that tried to see the good in life. But I'd long since come to the conclusion that no matter how hard we try, how hard we fight, we're almost always alone. The world had a nasty habit of tricking you into believing otherwise, letting you find someone that fills the void you didn't know you had until you met them, but it never changed. It was almost like the world was being run by a spoilt sadistic child, intent on making people miserable.
Needless to say, they were succeeding quite terrifically.
The wall I worked so hard to build, the wall I worked so hard to keep up had crumbled beyond the point of repair as I started sobbing uncontrollably again. Right there in the middle of the day, on the sidewalk, in my brother's arms but I didn't care. I had no strength left to care. Sam still looked like he was unsure of what to do but it was obvious he wanted to do something, anything to make me feel better, it was the first time he saw me break down and not just in the last couple of days but in our whole lives. Sure he had seen me shed a few tears on occasion like when one of us got hurt or on mom's birthday but never the heart wrenching cries that were escaping me now.
"I'm going to go tell Dad we're leaving," Sam announced definitively, standing up and hurrying back towards the diner.
"Shh," Dean tried to calm me down for the second time that day, definitely not the last. But when I wouldn't -couldn't- stop crying, he bundled me up and carried me to the safety and comforting familiarity of the Impala.
The ride back to the motel room was stiflingly silent as I sat between my two brothers in the front seat. I saw Sam reach for my hand several times but he always pulled it away at the last second. If I had been thinking clearly I would have taken away his agony of trying to decide what to do and just taken his hand in mine but all I could do is stare out the windshield.
We had been back in the room for about an hour when Dad came back with Emma, just long enough for me to feel numb again. I was sitting on one of the beds with my back up against the wall dressed in the most comfortable clothes I owned; a sweatshirt and jeans which Sam had taken out for me when we got back.
"Momma, why did you leave me at the diner?" Emma questioned walking over to Sam and I could hear the pain in her voice.
"She didn't leave you," Sam answered quickly, so that I didn't have to, scooping her up in his arms, "You were there with papa and your teddy."
"Daddy gave me this teddy," she said softly as a few tears started rolling down her cheeks again.
"I know, I was there," Sam smiled gently wiping the tears away, "He gave you that teddy bear the first day you were born."
She nodded her head a little, she had heard the story a million times but it was one of her favorites and definitely one of mine, "You know he only has one eye 'cause the mud made him sick…I don't let him play in the dirt anymore."
It was true, she carried that thing every where with her even into the mud puddle that she decided to jump in so when she went to sleep that night Christian tried putting it in the washing machine but when it came out somehow one of the buttons got loose and fell off. He put the bear back in bed with her after running it through the dryer and told her the next morning that her bear had gotten very sick but that he had contacted a teddy bear doctor and they said he would be ok as long as he stayed away from all dirt, mud and anything else that would make him need a bath. At the time I did all I could to hide my giggles as he told her this with such sincerity but I must say that a year later and I haven't had to wash the bear since.
The room was quiet a minute, the only sound being the commercial on the television about some new invention, when Emma broke the silence.
"Uncle Sammy, I love having sleep-overs and I don't want you to leave…but when can we go home?" she almost pleaded with him wanting him to get up right at that very second and take her there himself.
"We're not," I said in a monotone voice not taking my eyes off of the television screen. Even without ever changing my glance I could feel the men in the room staring at me in shock.
"We can never go home?" Emma questioned starting the water works again.
But before I had the chance to answer Dad spoke up in his 'I mean business' tone, "Abigail, I need to speak to you outside."
I should have gotten up, I knew better than to ignore what he was saying but I couldn't bring myself to care. So I just looked over to him and half smiled in the feeling of being defiant gave me, "No."
Sam had always been the one to challenge Dad's orders, to disagree with basically everything the man said and did while Dean and I followed like good little soldiers. The look that came across my family's face when I had actually challenged my father was priceless. In another situation, it might have even been amusing.
"Outside. Now," Dad hollered pointing a finger to the door as if I needed hand signals to understand what he was talking about.
I wanted to stand my ground and refuse to move from my spot but I caught Emma's frightened face out of the corner of my eye. I wanted to let myself feel something different, to see what would happen if I defied my father's orders, but I couldn't do that to Emma. She'd already seen too much that she shouldn't have needed to, so I got up and pushed past him as I walked out the door.
"What the hell has gotten into you?" he immediately asked as the door shut. I could see the blinds move slightly and I knew Dean was keeping a close eye on things. "Why aren't you going home?"
It took every ounce of the little self-control I had to not laugh in his face, "Because it isn't home anymore, home is going to be cheap motels and my car…if I ever get it back."
"That is no way to raise that little girl, she needs a home," Dad yelled at me in a tone where normally I would have felt the size of an ant but today something inside me snapped and I actually yelled back.
"A home? After mom died you didn't think I needed a home?" I screamed tears flowing down my cheeks that were turning red with anger, "No! You did everything you could to find the damn demon that did this to our family! I'm going to find it Dad and so help my God when I do I'm not just going to kill it, I'm going to rip it to pieces and make it feel every ounce of pain that I'm going through. I'm going to make it wish that it never decided to come after my daughter!"
I expected him to fight back, hell I half expected to get a smack in the mouth for talking back but when I searched his face for any kind of emotion the only one I could find was worry.
"The demon's after her?" he asked softly before regaining the volume in his voice, exasperation seeping through, "You knew the demon might be coming for her and you said nothing? Nothing at all to me or your brothers?"
"I've been a little preoccupied Dad because if you've forgotten we buried my husband today," I nearly spat in his face. The anger that I had used to keep myself together had dissipated and the grief crept back in its place. Without a word to my Dad I turned and walked back in the room needing my security, needing Dean. I wandered over to him like a lost puppy and curled up in his lap almost mirroring how Emma was on Sam's.
We all looked over to Dad as he walked in the room with a look of determination etched into his tired features, "Boys, your sister and Emma will be hitting the road with you."