Challenge Number/Title: #6 Inanimate POV
Date Posted: March 24, 2013
Content Descriptors: Humor, Sexuality
Character Pairings: Edward & Bella, Emmett & Rose, Jasper & Alice
Today's situation was a first. I've certainly had fine asses on my cushions before. And Lord knows I've had plenty of crying women; the boys weren't, shall we say, subtle in their rejections. However, today there were three fine-assed, crying women upon my surface at the same time. Did I mention three?! My boys were in various stages of disbelief as the three girls they thought they'd never see again delivered the news that would change all of their lives forever.
Edward was pacing and pulling at his hair. Emmett was standing in shocked disbelief, his mouth hanging open dumbly. Jasper was banging his head on the post on the breakfast bar muttering to himself.
"But-but how? All three…?" That was Emmett. He wasn't the brightest of my boys, but he did recover quickly.
"We've lived together for almost five years, dumbass!" the blonde, Rose, hissed in reply as she gestured to the other two women sitting on my surface.
The answer was meaningless to Emmett, but caused Edward to stop in his tracks. He was a second year resident in Obstetrics and Gynecology, ironically enough. Jasper stopped banging his head with a final loud thump. He continued to mutter, however, mostly about how his mother was going to kill him.
Emmett still looked confused.
"When women live together, their cycles synch up," Edward explained.
His words caused the two darker haired women sitting on me to let out loud wails and hug each other while Rose glared at Emmett, who was still confused.
"They get their periods at the same time," Edward explained further, exasperatedly. He gestured at the women on the couch. "That means that they're fertile at the same time, too. Probably about three weeks ago." He mashed his lips into a grim line.
I can't believe I was the only one who saw this coming. Actually, I can. For as bright as my boys are, all three of them think with their dicks when it comes to the fairer sex.
Edward was right. It was three weeks ago when the series of events that led to this particular predicament started. The boys had promised each other a girl-free weekend. Bros before hoes and all that. Each had been dealing with a lot of crap at work and from recent hookups.
Oh yeah, the boys are manwhores. "Were," I guess, would be the better term.
THREE WEEKS AGO
Jasper was frustrated. And, as Jasper was wont to do when he was frustrated, he was cleaning. I would swear that man was a woman if it weren't for the sheer number of girls he's fucked on me. It's scary. Everyone thinks that it's Edward who's the biggest player. They're wrong. Edward certainly has the most women looking to get with him, but he's picky. He can be since he never has to work for it.
Emmett, of course, talks a good game. He's loud and lacks a filter. It always seems like he's had the most women because he overshares.
But back to Jasper. Jasper was frustrated over his recent breakup. Well, breakups. He'd been seeing Bree and Maria. Speaking of fine asses…! Both of theirs had graced my surface several times over the past weeks. Never at the same time, alas. However, a timing snafu on Thursday had led to Bree walking out of the apartment just as Maria was walking in. Needless to say the scene was not pretty.
And Jasper was facing a weekend without female companionship. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been alone on a Saturday night.
Anyway, Jasper had pulled me away from the wall to dust, vacuum, and wipe down the baseboard when he came across a sealed box of Magnums that had been dropped and unceremoniously kicked underneath me quite some time ago. Quite. Some. Time. Ago.
Jasper snorted, picked up the box and dropped it on the coffee table. There it sat until the next night when Emmett noticed it a few hours before the guys were ready for a night downtown. Instead of the usual club, they'd planned a boys' night at a local pub. The plan was burgers and beer. No broads.
Emmett broke open the seal on the box and pulled out one of the condoms. He slipped it in his pocket as insurance. You know…just in case.
Edward was next. He frowned when he saw the box sitting on the coffee table and then cursed Emmett under his breath. See, Eddie had purchased a box of Magnums at the drug store on Wednesday along with the fuckton of hair products necessary to keep his coif under control. When he got home, the condoms weren't in the bag. He figured they fell out. Upon seeing the opened box on the table, he assumed that Emmett found them and helped himself to one.
The Magnums he'd bought had fallen out of the bag, by the way, but that was in the car on the ride home, not in the house. Edward found them under the front seat a week later.
Edward brought the box with the remaining two condoms into his room and left them on the dresser.
Once Jasper got home, the guys washed up and headed to BD's, a local pub, for the aforementioned beer and burgers.
And despite their best intentions, broads came into play.
It was no surprise when two hours after they left, the door to the apartment crashed open and Emmett and some hot blonde came stumbling into the living room. They barely managed to maintain their upright positions as they attempted to suck off each other's faces. I have to hand it to Emmett. He works fast. Before they made their way to his room, Emmett managed to pop open the blonde's blouse. She laughed as he buried his face between her tits.
Jasper was the next one home. The physical disparity between him and the woman who entered with him would have been comical if it wasn't abundantly clear that she had a personality that could not be contained in her mere five foot nothing frame.
Alice was my personal favorite. She and Jasper never made it past me except for Jasper's quick sprint into Edward's room to grab a condom from the fateful box.
It was a good two hours after Alice and Jasper conked out on me, cuddled up underneath he afghan, that Edward waltzed in with Bella. It was obvious she was under his spell, the way she clung to his arm and gazed into his eyes. Interestingly enough, Edward seemed to be equally smitten. The two of them were completely oblivious to the naked couple sleeping on my cushions.
They made their way to Edward's bedroom, whispering to one another and exchanging infatuated looks.
The next morning, the boys made the ladies breakfast and offered their farewells. The scene was nothing new. I'd watched dozens of women take the walk of shame. However, this time the boys were unusually quiet after the girls left. There was no exchanging of raunchy details, no good-natured ribbing, no snide comments. Jasper even asked Edward and Emmett if they'd see the girls again.
"Nah," Edward said with a shrug and a look at the door where he'd last seen her. Emmett's mouth just twisted into a frown.
Jasper didn't push them for explanations. He was missing Alice as well.
TWO HOURS AGO
Emmett answered the door when the bell rang. Hurricane Rose shoved Emmett out of the way and stalked into the living room. Emmett frowned at her forceful entry, but didn't protest. He glanced at the open door to see Alice and Bella, who were obviously distraught, waiting in the hall. He gestured them in and closed the door behind them.
The three women huddled together for a moment before Rose finally spoke.
"Where are the other two?" she demanded.
Emmett didn't answer. Rose rolled her eyes before taking a threatening step towards Emmett and repeating her query. Loudly.
"Where are they?"
Emmett snapped out of his stupor and called out, "E? Jazz?"
A moment later, Edward and Jasper joined the party in the living room.
"Alice?" Jasper was as surprised as Emmett by their guests.
"Hi, Bella," Edward said quietly, curiosity on his face. "Won't you sit down?" He gestured towards my surface.
All three ladies took the invitation and settled down. Like I said, nice asses.
As if on cue, once the three women sat down, they burst into tears. The guys' expressions changed from curiosity to bewilderment. Jasper grabbed a clump of paper napkins off the breakfast bar and handed them to the ladies.
"Geez! What's wrong?" Emmett practically shouted at the trio. He was completely unnerved by the scene before him.
All three girls began talking, as they sobbed. Nothing they said was intelligible.
Shaking his head, Edward approached Bella, who was sitting on the end. He kneeled down before the woman who'd been on his mind the past three weeks and tried to speak to her.
Alice and Rose quieted down, though tears were still flowing freely.
Bella tried to speak through the gasping sobs.
"Jasper, get Bella a glass of water."
Jasper snapped to and quickly brought over three glasses of water. He put the water on the coffee table and backed away.
Edward handed Bella a glass. She took it and drank quickly. When she lowered the glass, Edward took it from her hand and placed it back on the table. Bella nodded her thanks.
Taking a deep breath, she cleared her throat. Looking at Edward she blurted out, "I'm pregnant." Her announcement was met with renewed sobs from the other two women and a startled gasp from Emmett. Jasper covered his mouth with his hand and stood silently.
Edward didn't respond. He was still kneeling before Bella, a dazed look on his face.
It was Emmett who broke the silence. "Uh, that's ummm…. Uh."
"Shut up, you idiot!" Rose cried. "I'm pregnant, too!"
"What?!" At least Emmett wasn't stunned into silence, though his response was sorely lacking. His response broke Edward from his stupor. He stood up and began to pace, head down, fingers grasping onto his hair.
"Me, too!" wailed Alice.
Like I said before, I can't believe I was the only one who could see this coming. Those Magnums Jasper found had expired over a year ago. None of them broke during use, but their integrity was compromised, allowing just enough little swimmers to sneak through and accomplish their missions.
But not even I could see what would come to pass. Nineteen years after the girls made their announcements, I was being pulled out of storage. See, Edward, Emmett, and Jasper's sons were in need of a couch for the condo their parents bought them near the university they'd all be attending in the fall.
"I can't believe we're giving this couch to our boys," Alice laughed. Jasper chuckled in agreement.
"What's the big deal about this old couch?" Elizabeth, Edward and Bella's middle child, asked.
"J.J. was conceived on it," Emmett, the over-sharer explained. Rose smacked the back of his head.
"Ew! Mom!" J.J. complained.
Alice shrugged. "It's this or you can sit on the floor."
J.J. grumbled, but wandered off to join his best friends, Harry and Anthony, without further complaint.
"That's the last of it," Edward declared, as he turned and locked up the storage unit. "Who's ready for dinner?"
A loud chorus of "Me! Me! Me!" arose from the small crowd standing in the parking lot of the U-Store.
Between them, my boys had eight offspring.
All with the women they'd accidently knocked up that fateful night.
Providence, I'd say.
Thanks to cejsmom & shasta53