Author's Note: What's this? Could it be? An update? *gasp!* Haha It's a little shorter than a few of the last updates, but it's pretty much all crack so I hope that makes up for it!
Hopefully the stuff I said about the law is accurate. None of it is from personal experience, just online perusing. So if I misinterpret something, muh bad.
Again, no beta. All mistakes are my own.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing, nothing. No profit made etc. See Chapter 1 for more elaborate disclaimer.
Ryder bounded up the stairs to the Puckerman loft, and used the key Jake made him in case of emergencies to get in. He flew past the door once it was opened and bounded down the hallway until he reached the closed door that he knew was Jake's room. The lawman hasn't slept yet, and he's hopped up on a bunch of 5-hour energies and Monster energy drinks. Any more caffeine and he might vibrate into another dimension, but hello! Jake just presented the perfect case to him on a silver platter. If he could solve this, catch this creep on his own…then maybe the guys at the precinct will take him freaking seriously. "Jake! Jake! Bro, come on! Wake up!" Ryder shouted as he pounded on Jake's door. There was no time for sleep. Justice never sleeps!
Jake unlocked his door clumsily and yanked it open sleepily. "You're lucky Puck is such a heavy sleeper, because if you'd actually woken him up, he'd have no problem beating your head in with a lead pipe."
Ryder snorted. "Dude, whatever. Just put on a damn shirt. I got news."
Younger Puckerman yawned and stretched, scratching his exposed chest as he did so. He was just in a pair of sweat pants. "It's eight in the morning and you just barged into my home unannounced. You will deal with my partial nudity."
"Ugh, just…come out here. I have something to show you." He held up a manila folder with the name 'Hummel, Kurt' on the tab.
Jake's eyebrows rose, suddenly feeling more awake. "How'd you get that?" He closed the door behind him, both males pattering into the kitchen while Jake put on a cup of coffee. Ryder may not need it, but Jake sure as hell did.
Ryder rolled his eyes, "Does detective mean nothing to you? I got my ways." He plopped himself into a chair at the kitchen table, flipping open the file while Jake cursed and smacked the coffee maker. "After I walked Unique home I headed down to the station and did a little research."
"And what? Our boy Hummel's got a record?" Jake asked, hitting the machine one more time and smiling in triumph when the thing spluttered to life. Sweet, sweet java.
"Not exactly, he's a victim."
"Like we didn't already know that."
"Yeah, well, did you know Kurt's file is sealed?"
"Sealed. As in, not accessible to someone like me."
Jake turned away from the coffee pot, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. "So you stole it?"
"No!" Ryder shouted, horrified by the idea. "The files on the computer have been sealed, but I did some rooting around in the filing cabinets. This abandoned police report on him must have slipped through the cracks."
"Sadly, yes. But in this case, may work in our favor."
"Ok. And? What did ya find?"
"Honestly? It's not much. Just a couple dates, his fingerprints, emergency contacts, and this name…Wackoff. I don't know." Ryder finished, looking aggravated at the broken bits of information he had.
"Do you mean Wyckoff? Like Wyckoff Heights the medical center?" Jake and Ryder turned towards the hallway where the voice came from. The brown-haired girl blushed from being stared at. Wearing one of Jake's over-sized T-shirts and a pair of boy-shorts. "Sorry, I smelled the coffee. Am I…interrupting?"
Jake smiled, "Not at all, Marley. Sorry if this douche woke you up."
Marley blushed some more, even as Ryder let out an indignant 'hey!' He was about to say something equally as witty to Jake, but then he remembered what Marley said. "Whoa, wait, wait. Medical center? Is that seriously a name or are you just making up crap?"
"It's a hospital over on Stockholm Street. I should know. I work there." She said shyly.
Jake chuckled, "You never mentioned that."
She smiled at him, "Well, we didn't get the chance to talk all that much last night."
Ryder snapped his fingers at them, pulling the two out of their little flirty trance. "Yeah, yeah. Sex happened. I get it. ANYWAYS, you work at Wyckoff Heights? As what?"
Marley furrowed her eyebrows, she doesn't normally go home with guys she's just met, but her and Unique were trying out being more spontaneous. She didn't know a morning-after third-degree was custom. "A nurse. Why?"
Ryder smiled wickedly at Marley, the sly smile alerting Jake that his best friend had an idea. He never liked Ryder's ideas. "Jake, Marley, you two might want to take your coffees to go. Because we got a hospital to visit. So hop to it!" Ryder said enthusiastically, already gathering up the small file and heading out the door.
After about a minute or so of Marley and Jake staring at where Ryder had disappeared to, Jake turned to waggle his eyebrows at her. "So…nurse, huh?"
She hmphed at him, and grabbed a cup to pour herself some coffee. "Just until my inevitable music career takes off."
Jake chuckled to himself as he poured his own cup, barely keeping in the 'yours and everyone else's in this city.' But what could be do? He already liked her.
Blaine jumped nearly five feet in the air when he heard incessant banging on his door. Disoriented and just flat out sleepy, Blaine fell out of bed in a less than graceful way.
Oh my God…
What the fuuuuuuck?
A mess of curls sprung up from the side of the bed when he realized the knocking was still happening. With a long drawn-out groan, Blaine clumsily made his way out of his room and towards his front door. The bleary-eyed musician scrubbed a hand over his sleep-ridden face before he went to work on his door locks. Once the last lock was opened, Blaine tumbled backwards after the door knocked him over because the person on the other side barreled through the entrance into his home. "Allo?"
"Blaine Anderson…Blaine Devon Anderson."
Blaine used his kitchen's doorframe to steady himself, blinking rapidly to try and focus on the unknown voice. When his hazel eyes were able to focus, he saw a petite brunette standing in front of him, hands on her hips and foot tapping in an impatient manner. Donned in a double-breasted purple coat, and white Gucci flats with the matching handbag. Closing the front door, he said, "Who are you?"
She huffed, "Maybe this will jog your memory." Then she proceeded to scream, like bloody freaking murder scream.
The half-asleep male covered his ears at the shrieking sound. "Geezus woman! The hell was that?"
"Do you seriously not remember me? Or better yet, do you really not recognize this face?" The brunette pointed to herself, gesturing in a circle around her profile.
Blaine stared at her, feeling seriously unprepared for such an intense woman at this moment. "I don't actually know…or care."
He winced at the equally loud noise, but he should have expected it.
"I am Rachel Barbara Berry. I am the face of Funny Girl. And more recently, I am Kurt Hummel's new sister-in-law." The girl, Rachel, said self-importantly.
Oh…Oh God, no.
"I believe you were the one I caught with his pants down on my fire escape. Having boy sex with MY gay." She huffed.
Blaine flushed red. "I am SO sorry. I really didn't mean for you—or anybody really—to see that. Kurt and I just…got carried away?"
Rachel narrowed her eyes, "Speaking of Kurt, I would like to have word with you." She pointed to one of his chairs. "Sit down."
"Wouldn't you like a glass of water or something first?"
"I said sit!"
Blaine squeaked, his muscle shirt and boxer-clad form plopping down into his armchair faster than his mind could register what his body was doing. Confused and rumpled, he sat down patiently, like a child that's just been scolded for doing something he wasn't supposed to. He just met this woman, and already she frightened him. "Am I in trouble?"
Should have seen that one coming.
"Hey, if this is about the band thing—"
Rachel silenced him with a sharp look, sitting down on the couch to his left. "Look, let's get a couple things straight. I don't like you."
Well, alrighty then.
"Also, I don't know you. So you will remain a distance of no less than five, preferably seven, feet away from me. I carry pepper spray and a stun gun on me at all times. Breach my designated amount of personal space and I will enforce my right to incapacitate you. Are we clear?" Rachel prattled, her white-gloved hands placed primly in her lap.
At Blaine's gob smack expression, she explained. "My name, my face, is plastered all over Time Square. I am a gem, a Broadway star. Barbara Streisand herself, in a very obscure Broadway magazine chronicle, said 'Fanny Brice, thy name is now, Rachel Berry.' My boyf—HUSBAND, much to my disappointment, can't be by my side 24/7. There is no way a Tony award winning actress such as myself can walk around in the late evenings of New York, due to the long demanding hours of rehearsal a Tony award winning production requires, without some form of protection."
"Therefore, even if I must carry this bulky device in my handbag at all times, it is a precaution I am willing to take for my family's peace of mind, for my fans' peace of mind." Rachel pulled out a bedazzled Taser from her white handbag, showing Blaine that she was serious.
Blaine stared at the sparkly device, raising an eyebrow at it. "Did the Taser win a Tony too or…?"
Rachel narrowed her eyes at him, "What the hell does Kurt see in you?"
He laughed dryly, shaking his head at the woman sitting across from him. "I honestly don't know. Listen, Rachel…"
"Ya kidding me right now?"
"Fine, Rachel then. Ugh, manners. Can cross those off the list."
Blaine rolled his eyes, "Rachel, I genuinely REALLY like Kurt."
Rachel snorted, "Are you sure? Or do you just REALLY like sex with Kurt?"
"You heard me."
Blaine stared at her, eyebrows furrowing together in offense and confusion. "I'm not USING him for sex!" He sneered out, disgusted by the accusation. "I don't care how famous you think you are, but you don't know me."
Rachel glared, "That is exactly my point. I don't know you. Kurt doesn't KNOW you. All you've proven to us is that you know how to lie and you know how to coax Kurt out of his designer jeans!"
"How can I possibly prove to you, or to him for that matter, that I'm more than that if you don't give me a chance?!" Blaine shouted.
"Why do you care so much about someone you just met anyways?!"
"Because he's special!" Blaine blurted out, fists clenched tightly at his side. "He's special, Rachel. You're his sister-in-law. You know that."
Rachel looked away from Blaine, "I do. I also care about Kurt, a lot." Then she turned back to look at Blaine, and if possible, her gaze was darker than before. "Which means I would do ANYTHING to protect him. That includes telling horny, fake men like you to back off. He doesn't need anymore people like that in his life."
Blaine's eyebrows shot up, "Rachel, that's not who I am. I swear. I-I may not be the most innocent man in New York, but believe me when I say that Kurt is more than—than a fling."
She raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow, "Really now?"
He swallowed thickly, "Yeah. At least, I think so. It's how it feels, anyway."
Rachel narrowed her eyes at Blaine, leaning back against the couch and crossing her arms over her chest as she tapped a finger rhythmically on her stun gun. "Go on."
Blaine closed his eyes, searching through his mind to try and find the right words. Before he began, he took a deep breath. "Because…there was this moment, when I first saw him, across the way on that terrace. It wasn't just his beauty that captured my attention. It was like my whole being just said, 'Oh, there he is. You've been looking for him forever.' " He opened his eyes and looked back at Rachel, his honey eyes sparkling with something she's never seen directed at Kurt before. Maybe, just maybe, it would be different. Maybe BLAINE would make it different. For the first time since she walked through the door, he gave her one of his slow charming smiles. "I-I've honestly never felt like that before him."
Rachel remained quite for a minute or so, face void of expression. Until, "seriously?" She asked, her lips quirking up at the corners.
If it was possible, Blaine's smile grew even wider. "Yeah."
She squealed, freaking squealed. But then again, Blaine really should have expected it. When she abruptly stood up, Blaine stood up too and before he knew it, one Mrs. Rachel Berry-Hudson was engulfing him in a sudden hug. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. Here I thought you were going to be a sleaze and I was going to have to pepper spray you or Taser you for taking advantage of Kurt."
Blaine chuckled awkwardly; still a little wary of her considering she still had the electric device in her possession. "Do you give every guy who tries to date Kurt this kind of interrogation?"
Rachel pulled back from Blaine, pursing her lips as she stepped back from him. "No, and that's my fault. If I would have been more involved in Kurt's life before, maybe things wouldn't have…wait a minute. How much has he told you about…well, his life before he came back to New York?"
Blaine frowned, "He's told me about Lima, about you, Finn, Puck, his dad and Carole…"
"But he didn't tell you about NYADA or anything about the first time he lived in New York?"
He shook his head, "No, not exactly. I mean I know he wanted to be on Broadway before, and was supposedly an amazing pianist. At least according to Adam."
"You met Adam?" Rachel asked, surprised.
"Yeah, though it was just for a minute."
"I thought for sure he would have gone back to England by now…" Rachel mused, getting lost in her own thoughts.
"Oh!" Blaine exclaimed, jolting Rachel from her stupor. "Kurt mentioned something about being in therapy."
"Did he tell you what for?" Blaine shook his head again. Rachel sighed, "Well then, I can't tell you either."
Blaine wilted, "Why not?"
"It's not my place. Kurt…he doesn't like very many people, much less trust them. But with you…I don't know. It's only been two weeks, and he's already so much happier than he was before." Rachel smiles.
Blaine blushes, "I'm glad, because he makes me happy too."
"Well good, because remember, if you hurt one fabulous hair on my gay's head…" The stun gun was suddenly by his face, and he heard, more than saw, the sparks of electricity flowing through the two probes on the device. "…I will not hesitate to send six million volts of electricity throughout your system."
The musician jumped back from the crazy brunette, looking at her with an expression of equal horror and outrage. "You nearly singed my hair!"
Rachel tilted her head, wearing an expression of feigned innocence. "In all fairness, you were within my designated amount of personal space." After a moment longer, she seemed to really take in her surroundings. "My God, who did your interior design? It's atrocious. This color pallet makes me PHYSICALLY ill and it will completely wash out Kurt's completion."
"Well he doesn't live here so…"
Rachel ignored him and whipped off her coat. Pressed skirt and teddy bear sweater burning into Blaine's retinas. "You are so lucky I came over today, Blaine Anderson. If you want to have any chance with Kurt, you're going to need my help. As does your entire apartment…and wardrobe. Ugh, is that cigarette smoke I smell? Well, you're going to give up that little habit as of today." She clapped her hands together, suddenly very excited. "I feel a project coming on!"
I think I liked it better when she didn't like me.
"Oopsies…oh, don't worry. That vase was ugly anyways."
Heaven help me.
"Come on, come on. Ryder, hurry the fuck up!" Jake hissed, looking back out of the little room where Ryder was currently printing out portions of Kurt's medical file.
"Just a few more pages! There is…a lot here. Damn, I didn't know you could visit the hospital this many times in just a couple of years." Ryder commented, sifting through the info on the computer as he printed some of the more important stuff. "How did you learn to hack computers anyway?"
Jake glared at his friend, "Don't say hack. It makes me sound like a criminal. Which I'm not…technically." He glanced back down the hallway where Marley had disappeared with the head nurse, thankful no one was anywhere near them. "I dabbled a bit in computer science before I got kicked out of college. So what?"
Ryder snorted, "Was that before or after you slept with the dean's daughter?"
"What do you think?" The younger Puckerman shot back.
"You're just lucky she was eighteen."
"Hey, you're not the most squeaky clean dude either. Aren't these files like confidential of something?"
"Probably, but we're dealing with a stalker here. He doesn't exactly go by the rules."
Jake groaned, "I swear to God if you get Marley in trouble for this…"
"Aww does Jakey have a crush on Marley?" Ryder teased.
"Call me Jakey one more time. I dar—oh fuck."
"Shit, they're coming back! Log out! Grab the papers! Move!" Jake hustled, going over to fold some of the papers and stuff them in his pockets.
"I got it, I got it! Go, go!" Ryder finished exiting the database, stuffing some of the papers into his pants as well.
The two scrambled out of the office, situating themselves in a casual demeanor around the front desk. The older-looking head nurse shuffling along after a few more minutes, stopping in front of them with a sheepish Marley in toe. "Sorry, Detective Lynn. The chief says that without a warrant, I can't let you have access to any of our patients' medical files. Though, if you come back with one, I'll be happy to help you with whatever you need."
Ryder smiled, "Oh, well, thanks anyway ma'am. I'll be sure to send that warrant right over." He kept smiling at her, watching as she nodded her head and fixed her thick glasses. "Jake, Marley, let's go." He urged.
Marley looked between them, confused, "Wait, that's it? But I thought what you needed was really important?"
Jake and Ryder just ushered Marley forward, going over to the elevator and pushing the down arrow. "Don't worry about it, babe." Puckerman whispered to her.
"Yeah, we got it covered."
A/N: This chapter idea happened before Jarley split. Anyways, next we'll have definite Klaine interaction again. I know, Rachel is...something else in this chapter, but it's how she came across. *shrugs* Please review and tell me if you lovelies liked it! I appreciate each and every one of them!