Disclaimer: Common sense would dictate the fact that I don't own or took part in the creatation of R & I. If I had I wouldn't be writing fanfic. So running to your nearest lawyer hollaring Sue won't do you any good. Unless their name is Sue.
A/N : I listen to music when I write, and the soundtrack to this drabble is Muse's epic song "Madness". Listening to the song is not required, but it would enhance the experience.
This year has taken it's toll on me. I feel like a punch drunk boxer, whose stayed in the ring for too many rounds. All on the account of my fat shit stubborn manager refuses to throw in the towel. I am both; fighter and manager.
I have lost myself at this point in my life. So many things have changed me, against my will. Insanity feels like my only defense. I've finally pushed myself too far and I broke. But, I picked up the pieces, and some just don't fit together anymore.
I could lay the blame on others. However, if I'm going to be honest with myself, it's all on me. I made the choices, ones should have said "no" to instead of "yes". I could have chosen to be so much better. Even taking the chickenshit easy way, still left me with hard choices.
I hurt the one person I have ever loved, aside from my family. I can only laugh at how it all sounds replayed in my head now. Really, how fucking stupid am I? I slept with Agent Dean. Thinking about it now makes me disgusted with myself. I shot my best friends father a.k.a "sperm donor." He is a criminal, but the man responsible for her exsistence nonetheless. Let another psycho lay his hands on me. And I also let Casey string me along, his own personal Jane puppet. Who can only preach his absolute goodness. And for my final act of stupidity, I almost let my best friend get killed by her very own psycho. God, listen to this shit!
The crowning achievement to this whole mess though, is Maura falling in love with me. I didn't think she would ever want to be friends with me again, let alone what I see now when I look into her eyes. I can see it all the way into her soul, a love morphed into a different sort. There was a time when we first met, that if she would have looked at me then the way she does now. I would have been all in.
I was never afraid to tell her how I felt. I've always thought actions spoke louder than words. So many instances I felt my intentions were loud and clear. My final stepping stone was telling Constance to stop being hurtful to Maura. Yet, Maura saying she was interested in me beyond being friends never happened. I actually admired her for letting me down gently, or so I thought. Then, the whole Dr. Ian shit happened. That killed it right then and there for me. It was like rubbing salt in a fresh wound, then pouring battery acid in it to rinse out the salt. When I was holding her and rubbing her back telling her "everything will be okay", I was really talking myself off the ledge I was on. So, I chose to bury my feelings as much as I can, because my heart could only take so much.
Our time of "what if " has passed for me. And I know saying " what if " chaps Maur to no end, that little fact alone makes me smile. Nothing will make me stop loving her, but I've already mourned our loss. I will settle for less from her, than nothing at all. I'm glad I met her, that she made me a part of her life, as I made her a part of mine.
I never want my family to stop loving her. I still can't bear the thought of her being alone again. I wish I could have filled that void in her heart. Her being a woman was never a turn off or a turn on, I fell in love with the person. Now I'm trying to fall out of love with her, because I think it's for the best. I would only end up hurting her. Even with that feeble game plan, and armed with only my purest intentions, thats exactly all I've done; hurt her. Over and over again.
I fear the day will come, when our friendship will truly disappear. It's already survived so much, and you can only resuscitate something so many times. Even when that happens though, Dr. Maura Isles will always be tattooed on my heart. And can live with that, even though it's madness.
"Jane, you look tired. Please let's go home before you fall asleep on your desk."
Shit! I never even heard those feet killing stillettos of her's, through my little inner turmoil monologue.
"Okay, alright M. Look, shutting down computer, grabbing jacket, gathering strength to stand." I reply, giving her my best sarcastic smirk.
"Very humorous, Jane."
"Maur, did you just roll your eyes at me?" I retorted, faking shock.
"Are your eyes suddenly not functioning, Jane? Or are you just feeling like asking rhetorical questions tonight?"
She is looking at me with totally faked exhasperation, complete with her dimpled smile peeking through.
"Well, I see my sarcasm is rubbing off, but you've somehow managed to spin it into, let's call it intelligent sarcasm?" I reply, with my own dimpled smirk showing.
She only laughs at me, before walking towards the door leaving the bullpen. I swagger up behind her to quickly grab the door, to hold it open for her.
Another test run here, that I feel didn't come off too shabby.