A Grail?!? A Sailor Moon/Monty Python crossover/parody... thingy. By Jason C. Ulloa

Disclaimer thingy: Sailor Moon - not mine. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - not mine. They belong to those people/companies to whom they belong to... or, something like that. The character, Kino Ryoku/Sailor Knight, however, is mine. All mine. If you use him without my permission, I'll sic him, the rest of the Sailor Senshi, the Knights of Nee, and Ronald, the Amazing Dust Bunny, after you. So, there.

Be afraid.... Be very afraid.

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Epilogue

{The scene opens in an empty room where Chibiusa and the narrator are sitting around, apparently waiting for something.}

Chibiusa:
[Blinking] Umm.... Is it over now?

Narrator:
[Glancing around] Uh... yes, I... think so. Jason-san isn't around and we haven't heard from him since he left to go end the story.

Chibiusa:
[Slowly grinning] Do you realize what this means?

Narrator:
[Puzzled] What?

Chibiusa:
[Happily] We're off the hook! Jason-san's probably forgotten about our punishment by now! We're free!

{The two stand up and start for the door, laughing cheerily. However, their laughter suddenly dies off when they open the door and find the author standing just outside the doorway with his arms folded and a smirk on his face.}

Jason:
[Leans toward Chibiusa and the narrator] Boo.

Chibiusa/Narrator:
[Jerks back] Gyah!

Jason:
Thought I forgot about you, didn't you?

Narrator:
[Perplexed] Wait. Aren't you supposed to be trapped in limbo? Your laptop blue screened in mid-warp.

Jason:
[Smugly] Luckily, Skuld chose to intervene and restore my laptop. You see, it pays to stay on the good side of a mechanically-inclined goddess. Anyway, It's fixed now, so I wouldn't count on another blue screen of death to come to your rescue. [Stops smirking] At any rate, remember when I told you that I had something planned to punish you for screwing with my laptop? [Sees them both nod weakly] Well, it's time.

Chibiusa:
[Apprehensively] What are you going to do to us, Jason-san?

Jason:
[Grinning evilly] What's worse than being subjected to a completely insane movie/fanfiction story?

Narrator:
[Eyes widen in horror] No.... You wouldn't.... Please! Anything but that!!!

Jason:
That's right! [Shouting down the hallway] Cue the outtakes!

{Down the hall, a young girl with facial markings and sporting a mallet with a long handle strapped to her back turned and waved back. In her other hand was a gallon of Haagen Daas ice cream.}

Skuld:
[Cheerily] Sure thing, Jason-san!

{Skuld turns and picks up the remote control of a very elaborate-looking machine and flips a switch.}

Skuld:
[Pointing dramatically with the remote] All right, Mr. Projecto! Roll the outtakes!

{The machine, Mr. Projecto, whirred to life at the opposite side of the screen. The author brought in another chair from apparently nowhere and sat down while Chibiusa and the Narrator were made to sit back in their seats.}

Jason:
[While handing Chibiusa and the Narrator tubs of popcorn and sodas] Here. Even though I'm forcing you to watch these, that doesn't mean I'm totally cruel. [Grabs a tub of popcorn and soda for himself] Now be good and stay quiet.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

OMAKE! OMAKe! OMAke! OMake! Omake! omake!

OMAKE! OMAKE! OMAKE! !EKAMO !EKAMO !EKAMO

omake! omakE! omaKE! omAKE! oMAKE! OMAKE!

(Dïd I mëntiøn thät thïs wäs än Ømäke?)

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Rei:
[Tiredly] If you are all finished discussing Ryo-kun's humiliating defeat-

Ryoku:
[Indignantly] HEY!!!

Rei:
[Ignoring him] -then can we get on with this? I'd like to do this reading before the end of the day.

Luna:
[Sighs] Please go ahead, Rei-chan. I'm sure they're finished.

Ryoku:
I know I'd like to get on with it.

Makoto:
[Knowingly] Only because....

Ryoku:
[Warningly] Don't go there, Mako-chan!

Rei:
[Turning toward the flame] At any rate.... [Chanting while moving her hands in various positions in front of the fire and concentrating] Rin... pyou... tou... sha... kai... jin... retsu... sai... zen!

{On the last word, the fire suddenly dies out. Rei stares blankly at the fire until Grandpa walks in. He takes one look, nods to himself, and slides open a panel on the floor. He reaches in and turns a knob one half-turn, then slides the panel back. He then takes out a match, quickly strikes it, and tosses it into the center of the fire pit. Instantly, the fire roars back to life. Grandpa then nods to himself in satisfaction and leaves.}

All:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Makoto:
[Astonished] The holy fire was a gas flame?

Rei:
[Flabergasted] I... I never knew....

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Haruka:
[Sounding annoyed] Hey! What're we doing here?

Michiru:
Is this supposed to be some sort of practical joke or something?

Hotaru:
[To Setsuna] Setsuna-mama, what's going on?

Setsuna:
[Sighing fatalistically] Oh, not again....

Ryoku:
[To Jason as the rest of the Inner Senshi fill in the Outers on what's been happening] And what's the second thing you forgot to mention?

Jason:
[Warningly as he types at his laptop again] Don't turn around.

Ryoku:
[Snorts skeptically as he turns around] And why shouldn't I turn arou.... [Gets cut off as Haruka suddenly grabs him, embraces him and starts kissing him passionately]

Everyone else:
[Staring in utter disbelief] ....

Jason:
[Laughing out loud] That's why. You see, in the fanfiction world, fanfiction authors - like myself - have the ability to influence the reflection we visit. We can bend it to our will and effectively control the actions of those around us. [Grins widely] Those of us who are very experienced in this practice can also influence the other two universes within a certain distance. Myself, I can affect people within a 2.5km radius. [Notices that Haruka and Ryoku are still... well, they're still at it] Um... I think I made my point.

{The author turns back to his laptop, only to find an error message displayed predominately across the screen.}

Jason:
[Blinks] Huh? 'Internal error?'

{As the author tries to fix his computer problem, the others continued to watch in astonished disbelief while Haruka and Ryoku started to get a little more... amorous.}

Jason:
[While typing] Come on! Work, dammit! [Blinks] Hey! No, don't freeze up!

{Suddenly Haruka and Ryoku break apart and run out of the room together. The others run after them as far as the doorway, except for Rei, who kept chasing after them.}

Rei:
[Yelling] Hey! Don't go in there! That's MY room, dammit!

{The door to Rei's room slams shut and locks. This immediately worries Rei as she never had a lock installed on her bedroom door in the first place. Her hair starts to toing out as certain... noises could be heard from inside.}

Rei:
[Slups down to her knees] No.... Not my room....

Michiru:
[Calmly to Ami] It's not their fault, Ami-chan. Don't get upset.

Ami:
[Grumbling quietly] He just had to go and make his point. Now look what's happened. [Glaring at the author] Jason-san no baka!

Jason:
[Still typing furiously] It's all right! I can still fix this, just as long as my laptop doesn't.... [Blinks again] Uh-oh.

{The door abruptly slid open and several articles of clothing and undergarments flew out. Just as abruptly, the door slammed shut once again. The noises were getting noticably louder and more... suggestive. The other girls turned to glare angrily at the author, with the exception of Rei, who was still dealing with the dual ordeal of having... THAT going on in HER room, and having to deal with two pairs of boxers lying on her head, one cotton and one satin. Well, at least this answered the question of what type of underwear Haruka wore under her usual male garments. Now the only question was whose boxers were whose.}

Makoto:
Well, I never expected that Ryo-chan would lose his virginity to Haruka-san, of all people.

Minako:
[Stares at Makoto] Mako-chan! Not in front of Ami-chan and Michiru- san!

Makoto:
[Blinks] Huh? [Notices their furious expressions] Oh. Um... forget what I said then. [Sweatdrops while laughing sheepishly with her hand behind her head]

Ami:
[Pulls furiously at her hair] Aaaaaaugh!!!

Jason:
[Laments] Not the Blue Screen of Death!!! Damn Windows ME! [Dramatically] Damn you, Gates! DAMN YOU!!!

Michiru:
[Coldly] Jason-san, I suggest you fix this quickly.

Ami:
[Also coldly] Yes. Before we kill you.

Jason:
[Swallows as he glances back toward Rei's room] Certainly.

Rei:
[Lamenting] My room....

Haruka's voice:
[From inside Rei's room] Mmmm... Ryo-kun, where'd you learn to do THAT?

Ryoku's voice:
[Also from inside Rei's room] That's a secret.

{The author flinched as Ami and Michiru glared even more balefully at him.}

Jason:
[Sweatdrops] Oh, my....

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Usagi:
[Reaches to grab her transformation brooch, but pauses] Um... what season are we in for this fanfic, Jason-san?

Jason:
[Blinks] Oh, I completely forgot about that! Um... well, since I haven't seen the Stars series at this time, we'll stick with the SuperS series, sans Chibiusa.

Usagi:
[Happily] No Chibiusa? Oh, I could kiss you for that! [Pauses] Um, what about Mamo-chan? Shouldn't we be bringing him in, too?

{The scene cuts to show Mamoru lounging around in his apartment, wearing nothing but a pair of white boxers. The remote control for his large, wide-screen TV is in his hand and a can of Yebisu beer is in the other. The TV is showing an American football game: the San Francisco 49ers playing the Dallas Cowboys. The author doesn't give a damn who's winning because he doesn't like either team. As Mamoru takes a pull from the Yebisu, he finally notices that there's probably hundred of female Mamo-chan lovers watching him at this moment and dives behind his couch.}

Mamoru:
[Hiding behind his couch] Hey! I'm on vacation, dammit! Can't a man just relax and not worry about having to act all heroic and bishounen all the time?

{The scene changes back to the author and the Senshi.}

Jason:
Um... I think we can leave him out of this one.

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Jason:
All right! All right, already! [sighs] Anyway, just transform and follow me into the flame. [Disappears]

{The ten stare at the flame for a few seconds before pulling out their transformation items - Usagi had to take a moment to remember which brooch was for which season - and said their transformation phrases.}

Usagi:
Moon crisis.... [Pauses] Um, can I use this transformation without Chibiusa?

Jason:
[Reappears typing away at his laptop] Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. [Stops typing] Okay. You should be all right now. [Disappears again]

Usagi:
All right! Moon crisis, make up!

{After the transformations are complete, each of the Sailor Senshi enters the flame, one by one. As they enter the flame, they vanish, only to reappear beside Jason, all burnt and sooty with several hairs toinging up in the air.}

Jason:
[Blinking] Oops. That wasn't supposed to happen....

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Uranus:
[Off screen] Are you sure no one's around?

Sailor Neptune:
[Also off screen] For the hundredth time, Haruka, yes. No one is around.

Sailor Mars:
[Off screen as well] We'd better make this quick. Who knows when Jason-san will be back to write another chapter?

Sailor Pluto:
[Nodding off screen] Yes, let's please hurry. I'd die of embarrasment if anyone else saw me do this.

Sailor Saturn:
[Off of the screen] Aw, come on, Setsuna-mama! You were the one who suggested it!

Sailor Pluto:
[No, still off screen] You don't have to rub it in, Hotaru-chan.

Sailor Mercury:
[In the part of the screen that is off] Besides, we all agreed that this would be a good way to relieve our stress.

Sailor Knight:
[Take a wild guess] Even if a bit on the ridiculous side. But, why did I have to get stuck with the gear?

Sailor Venus:
[That's right; off screen] Because we need someone to provide the sound effects, remember?

Sailor Moon:
[You get ten points] Come on! I wanna get started!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Don't spend them all in one place] Yeah. The sooner we do this, the sooner we get this over with.

Sailor Pluto:
[Thank you for playing] All right, let's get started. Follow my lead.

{Unbeknownst to the Sailor Senshi, the camera quietly pans toward the group. As they come into view, each Senshi are seen hopping up and down with one hand raised as if holding the reigns of a horse. Sailor Knight trails behind the other Senshi while banging a pair of coconut shells together.}

Sailor Moon:
[Hopping happily] This is fun! Yay!

Sailor Knight:
[Grumbling while banging coconut shells together] I'm NOT making any horse sound effects. No way. No how.

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Cartmaster:
[Pointing to the dead person] He says he's not dead!

Customer:
Yes, he is.

Senshi:
....

Dead Person:
I'm not!

Cartmaster:
He isn't?

Customer:
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.

Dead Person:
I'm getting better.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shrugs] He looks fine to me.

Sailor Venus:
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... These old folks nowadays, you never can tell. They could keel over at any minute.

{An old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Venus:
[Points] See what I mean?

{Another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Mercury:
[Puts a hand to her mouth] How awful....

{Yet another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinks] When you say they can keel over any minute, you weren't kidding.

{An old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Uranus:
[Surprised] Damn! They're dropping like flies!

{Another old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Mercury:
[Concernedly] Quick! Someone call a doctor!

{Not surprisingly, another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Calmly] I don't think there's anything we can do, Ami-chan. This is the era that the Black Plague hit, remember? Don't be surprised if you see many old people die from sickness.

{As expected, another old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Continuing] But still, this is ridiculous.

{Ignoring Pluto's comment, another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Mars:
Um.... How many was that? I kinda lost count.

{And yet again, another old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Knight:
[Indifferently] I think that one made nine.

{Right on schedule, yet another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Knight:
[Flatly] Make that ten.

{With a flair unlike that of any other, yet another old woman unsurprisingly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Knight:
Eleven.

{As if you didn't already see this coming, another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Knight:
Twelve....

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{King Arthur hops through the village with Patsy banging his coconuts as he follows.}

Customer:
[Glances at King Arthur] Who's that, then?

Cartmaster:
[Shrugs] I dunno. Must be a king.

Customer:
Why?

Cartmaster:
He hasn't got... [Looks overhead] ...watch out!

Customer:
[Also looks overhead] What the...?!?

{Both jump out of the way just in time as a large foot crashes into the ground. The words "No curse words in this fic! It has a G rating, remember? -Jason" are printed on a cloth hanging from around the foot's ankle.}

Customer:
[Stares in utter disbelief] What the hell?!? What's a huge human foot doing falling from the sky like that?

{A sign appears with the words "This is a Monty Python/Sailor Moon crossover, remember? What kind of fic with elements of Monty Python humor doesn't include the infamous Monty Python foot? -Jason" on it.}

Customer:
[Thinking it over] Well. He does have a point, you know.

{Suddenly, a loud voice boomed from the heavens above.}

Voice:
[Booming loudly] Ewwww! I stepped in a pile of dead people.

{As the huge foot lifts up, everyone looks to see that the cart has been totally crushed by the giant foot.}

Cartmaster:
[Staring dispairingly] My cart!!!

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King Arthur:
[Reverently] The Lady of the Lake... her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!

Sailor Knight:
[Glances around] Did you just hear angels signing back then?

Sailor Saturn:
I didn't know water had a bosom.

Sailor Moon:
Divine Providence? What's that?

Sailor Neptune:
I think it has something to do with the Christian religion.

Sailor Moon:
[Frowns] But, we're Shinto!

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinks] Samite? What's that, a long-lost Dark Kingdom General that we never heard of?

Sailor Mars:
[Warningly] I wouldn't be saying that if I were you. You might be giving ideas to the readers. Now there'll be new fics out there with a long-lost Dark Kingdom General named Samite who's trying to revive the Dark Kingdom or something.

{Suddenly, a fanfiction writer looks up from her computer and grins.}

Fic writer:
[Excitedly] Of course! Now, why didn't I think of that before! Sure, there are already hundreds of SM fics with hundreds of long-lost Dark Kingdom Generals out there, but I'm going to conveniently forget that fact and write another one with the long-lost General, Samite! I'm a genius!

{The scene returns to show everyone, including King Arthur and Dennis staring at Sailor Mars and Sailor Jupiter with a now-look-what-you-did look on their faces.}

Sailor Mars/Jupiter:
[Penitently with their heads in their hands] We are so very sorry....

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Knight:
[Staring skyward] Before we continue this story any further, Jason- san, we must inform you that, by a unanimous vote of 11-0, that at no time during this scene or any scene that takes place in a forest, we hearby call "No Skipping Through the Forest While Linking Arms and Chanting 'Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!'".

{A sign appears with the words "Drat! -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Mars:
[To Neptune] It's a good thing you thought of that before he did.

Sailor Saturn:
Did the name have to be that long, though? It's a mouthful.

Sailor Moon:
[Disappointedly] Aw.... Can't we skip anyway?

Sailor Pluto:
[Exchanging looks with the other Senshi] Well....

Sailor Moon:
[With puppy-dog eyes] Pleeeeease?

Sailor Pluto:
[Relenting] Well... all right.

Sailor Moon:
[Happily] Yay!!!

{Soon, all of the Sailor Senshi had all linked arms and started to skip through the forest.}

Sailor Senshi:
[While skipping] Lions and tigers and bears!

Sailor Moon:
Oh, my!

Sailor Senshi:
[While skipping] Lions and tigers and bears!

Sailor Moon:
Oh, my!

Sailor Senshi:
[While skipping] Lions and tigers and bears!

Sailor Moon:
Oh, my!

King Arthur:
[Trailing behind while shaking his head in bewilderment] Now, THAT'S an eccentric performance.

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Mercury:
Are you being just slightly overprotective, Neptune?

Sailor Uranus:
We have a hard enough time trying to protect her from those gaijin TV shows and movies that your boyfriend watches sometimes.

Sailor Knight:
[Indignantly] Hey! Don't bring me into this!

Sailor Saturn:
[While taking Neptune's hands off her eyes] But Michiru-mama, Haruka- papa, I like watching those shows with Ryo-oniichan! Thanks to him, I know what a... [Questioningly to Knight] ...'raitoseibaa'? [Knight nods] ...is.

Sailor Uranus:
[Shakes her head and sighs] I don't think I'll ever understand gaijin movies.

Sailor Knight:
[Glares at Uranus while holding up a hand toward her] I find your lack of faith... disturbing.

Sailor Uranus:
[Blinking] Now what are yo- [Cuts off as her air supply suddenly gets choked off]

Sailor Saturn:
[Imperiously] You are a member of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. [Gestures dismissively] Take her away!

{A pair of stormtroopers march onto the scene, grab Sailor Uranus - who was still trying to breathe while getting Force Choked - and haul her away while the other Sailor Senshi blink and stare, completely baffled by the incongruity of it all.}

Sailor Knight:
[Dropping his hand to let Uranus breathe] You have done well, apprentice.

Sailor Saturn:
[Kneeling] Thank you, my Master.

Sailor Venus:
[Still stunned] Mako-chan, what was that movie epic that Ryo-kun and Hotaru-chan keep watching again?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Also still stunned] Some gaijin movie series called 'Sutaa Warusu,' I think.

Sailor Mercury:
[Steps forward and calmly reaches out with her hand outstretched] Darth Ryoku, Darth Hotaru, the Dark Side is strong in you both, but I also sense goodness in you. Renounce the Dark Side before it consumes you.

Sailor Neptune:
[Shocked] Ami-chan, too?!?

Sailor Pluto:
[Shrugs] I guess she's a closet otaku.

Sailor Neptune:
[Sighs] Figures. But, if they start cosplaying, then I'm leaving.

Sailor Saturn:
[Quietly with a hint of menace] And why should we do that, Ami-Wan Kenobi?

{Suddenly, a small tube-like device flips into her hand, which she activates with the flick of her thumb. With a snap-hiss sound effect, her lightsaber ignites with a glowing blue light.}

Sailor Mercury:
[Smiling calmly] Because I have this.

Sailor Saturn/Knight:
[Eyes wide] Oooh! A 'raitoseibaa'! Teach me how to build one, too!

{Everyone present - with the exceptions of the three Star Wars otaku - promptly facefaulted.}

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Monks:
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap]

{As the monks trudge forward, the Inner Senshi follow behind them, each with a wooden plank of their own.}

Inner Senshi:
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. [Whap]

Sailor Moon:
[Painfully] Ow! Dammit, this HURTS!

Sailor Mars:
[Rubbing her head] I still fail to see how this applies to religion.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Also rubbing her head] Anyone got an aspirin?

Sailor Venus:
[Grumbling] Who's dumb idea was this, anyway?

Sailor Knight:
[To the Outer Senshi] Have I mentioned how glad I am that I'm not an Inner Senshi anymore?

Sailor Pluto:
[In a stage whisper] Um, that was next chapter, Ryo-kun.

Sailor Knight:
[Blinks] .... [Grimaces] Oh, crap.

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Uranus:
[To Knight] Can't you do something about her, Ryo-kun?

Sailor Knight:
[Looks thoughtfully at Mercury] Hmm....

{Sailor Knight grins, then kisses Mercury, causing her to snap out of her twitching fit. Mercury smiles, then grabs Knight and initiates a passionate make-out session with him, causing the jaws of all present to collectively drop.}

Sailor Neptune:
[Grinning at Uranus] And you thought that Ami-chan was frigid.

Sailor Uranus:
[Shrugs] I guess I was wrong. [Nods approvingly] And she's not a bad kisser, either, from the looks of it. Makes me a little curious....

Sailor Neptune:
[Flatly] Not if you want to live.

Sailor Uranus:
[Quietly] Yes, ma'am.

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Knight:
[Very flatly] Twenty-seven.

{To the complete and utter surprise of absolutely no one, another old man suddenly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Knight:
Twenty-eight.

{As it was now her turn, yet another old woman prudently grabs at her chest and keels over off screen, not wanting to obstruct others from being able to die when it was their turn.}

Sailor Knight:
Twenty-nine.

{Performing a triple axle followed by a perfectly executed double lutz, yet another old woman gracefully grabs at her chest and keels over off screen.}

Sailor Knight:
Thirty.

{Seeing that this was her last chance at getting out of her constant bit player role and into some decent acting, another old woman dramatically grabs at her chest and proceeds to keel over off screen, hamming it up as much as possible in order to get noticed, not realizing that all this was happening off screen and no one would really see it anyway, so it was really just pointless at the end.}

Sailor Knight:
[Sweatdrops] Thirty-one....

-------------------------------------------------

Jason:
[Points upward] Look up.

Sailor Knight:
[Glances upward to see a huge rock, then glares at Jason] I don't like you.

Jason:
[Wryly as Knight dives out of the way of the falling rock] I'm crushed.

Sailor Knight:
[Scowls] Cute, Jason-kun. Very cute.

Jason:
[Smirks] I aim to please. At any rate, now that I've had my fun....

Sailor Uranus:
[Flatly] He calls this fun?

Jason:
[Smirks as laptop suddenly appears at his hands] What was that Haruka- san? You wanted to try kissing Ryo-kun again? [Starts typing] Well, if you insist....

Everyone:
[Shouting in horror] NO!!!

Jason:
[Blinking] Huh? What's gotten into all of you all of a sudden?

Sailor Venus:
[Apprehensively] Don't you remember what happened the LAST time you did that?

Sailor Moon:
[Concernedly] Rei-chan was pretty much mentally scarred from the last time that happened.

Sailor Mars:
[Whimpering] My room....

Jason:
[Sweatdrops] I... see. Anyway, I'll have you know that I fixed the problem with my laptop, so that won't happen again. But still.... [Laptop vanishes]

Everyone:
[Very much relieved] Thank you.

Jason:
And yet another crisis has been averted.

Everyone:
[Deadpan] Yay....

-------------------------------------------------

Launcelot:
[Stops and points] Look, my liege!

{All the knights reign in... well, themselves, and glance in the direction Launcelot pointed in. The Senshi stop as well and stare as well. Sailor Mercury tenatively removes her hands from her ears, but keeps them ready just in case.}

King Arthur:
[Reverently] Camelot!

Galahad:
[Also reverently] Camelot!

Launcelot:
[Just as reverently] Camelot!

Patsy:
[Not reverently] It's only a model. [Shrugs]

Senshi:
....

Sailor Mercury:
[Glancing around] Has anyone seen Ryo-chan? He was just here a minute ago....

{Suddenly, Sailor Knight stood up beside the Camelot model and roared loudly as he thrust both his fists into the air. From the camera's perspective, the male Sailor Senshi appeared to be over 100 feet tall as his head just reached over the top of the model.}

Sailor Moon:
[In mock fear] Oh, no! It's Ryo-Gojira!

Sailor Venus:
[Playing along] He's come to destroy the fair city (castle) of Camelot!

Sailor Saturn:
[Struggling to maintain a properly frightened face and not burst out laughing] O-oh, n-no! Ha, ha.... Ahem! I mean, we must f-f-flee... hee, hee... FLEE for our l-lives! Hahahahahahaha!

{As Saturn burst into a fit of laughter, Sailor Knight, a.k.a. Ryo-Gojira, a.k.a. Ryo-Godzilla (for you non-Japanese types), promptly began to ruthlessly wreck the model with his bear hands, all the while roaring and screeching like in the Godzilla movies. All of the Senshi quickly brought out cameras and started to repeatedly take pictures because that's what they're supposed to do in these sort of movies, right? Anyway, as Ryo-Godzilla proceeded to rampage and the other Senshi were busy taking pictures like good little tourists, the Knights all watched with huge sweatdrops forming at the backs of their heads.}

King Arthur:
[Impassively as he turns to leave] Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

Knights:
[Also impassively as they turn to follow him] Right, right....

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Knight:
[Tiredly] Fifty-three.

{And once again, another old woman suddenly grabs at her chest and keels over off screen, landing on top of the seven-foot pile of dead bodies that had accumulated over the past three hours.}

Sailor Knight:
Fifty-four.

{Performing a vicious cannonball into the huge corpse pile from the roof of the nearest house, yet another old man wildy grabs at his chest and keels over off screen, receiving a score of 7.5 from Sailor Moon, 6.75 from Mercury, 8.0 from Venus, 7.25 from Mars, and a 7.0 from Jupiter.}

Sailor Knight:
[Holding up a scorecard reading 6.5] Fifty-five.

{Wasting no time whatsoever, another old man quickly grabs at his chest and keels over off screen, wanting to get this scene over with so he could leave and get back to watching Matlock reruns.}

Sailor Knight:
Fifty-six.

{While dancing in a ballet dress complete with pink tutu, another old woman artistically grabs at her chest while pirouetting and proceeds to keel over gracefully off screen, amidst the generous applause.}

Sailor Knight:
[Softly clapping] Fifty-seven.

Sailor Pluto:
[Irritably] All right, Jason-san. This joke has gone on for long enough. Get on with it.

Sailor Senshi:
[Shouting and shaking their fists angrily] Yeah, get on with it!

{A sign appears with the words "Fine. Moving on. -Jason" on it.}

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Clap your hands.

{Everyone present starts to clap their hands.}

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Hop up and down.

{Everyone begins to hop while clapping their hands.}

Sailor Moon:
Stop clapping.

{No one stops clapping.}

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Stop clapping.

{Everyone stops clapping their hands.}

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Wave your right hand over your head.

{Everyone starts to wave their right hands over their heads.}

Sailor Moon:
Stop hopping.

{Sailor Uranus stops hopping and walks over to the side, grumbling about what a stupid game this is.}

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Stop waving.

{Half of the Senshi and Knights stop hopping, realize their mistake, and go to join Uranus, who was sitting off to the side and watching the others. Only King Arthur, Sir Bedevere, Sir Launcelot, Sailor Mars, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Knight, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto still continued to hop.

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Stop hopping.

{They stop hopping.}

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Flap your arms.

{They flap their arms.}

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Stop hopping.

{Sir Launcelot stops flapping his arms for a split second, then continues while pretending that he never stopped in the first place.}

Sir Galahad:
You stopped flapping your arms, Launcelot.

Sir Launcelot:
[Flapping] No, I didn't.

Sir Galahad:
[Nodding] Yes, you did. I saw you stop.

Sir Launcelot:
[Still flapping] No, I didn't.

Sailor Uranus:
[Derisively] Oh, come on! We all saw you. Quit cheating!

Sailor Saturn:
Cheater! [Sticking out her tongue and pulling down an eyelid] Biidah!

Sailor Moon:
[Glaring at Launcelot] Those who would cheat at a game of Sailor Moon Says cannot be forgiven! [Goes through her usual poses] On behalf of the Moon, I'll punish you!

Sir Launcelot:
[Indignantly] I tell you, I did not cheat!

Sailor Moon:
Sailor Moon says: Stop flapping.

{They stop flapping.}

Sailor Moon:
[Frowning angrily] Sailor Moon says: Kick the cheater's butt.

Sir Launcelot:
[BIG sweatdrops] Eeep. [Flees] Run away!

King Arthur:
[Draws his sword] After the cheater!

Everyone else:
[Brandishes fists skyward] Yeah!

King Arthur:
[Points his sword toward the fleeing Launcelot] Charge!

{Cue the ridiculous chase scene.}

-------------------------------------------------

King Arthur:
[As he and the others all poke their heads up to watch the guards go into the castle] What happens now?

Sir Bedevere:
[Oblivious to the flat looks the Senshi are giving him] Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. [Eagerly] Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!

King Arthur:
[While suddenly realizing that something had gone wrong, especially from the sighs of vexation coming from the Senshi] Who leaps out?

Sir Bedevere:
[While pointing to each in turn] Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh.... [Finally realizes his slip]

King Arthur:
[While he and the other Knights shake their heads in vexation] Ohh....

Sailor Mars:
[Sighs] So much for the Trojan Rabbit.

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirks at Sailor Moon] You mean, the Trojan Usagi.

Sailor Moon:
[Testily] Okay, so my name means 'rabbit'! I still say we should've used a different animal.

Sir Bedevere:
[Undaunted] Oh. Well, maybe we could try building a huge wooden badger....

{Once again, the strange sounds returned to the copse of trees that stood not too far from the castle, where the Knights had retreated to. The sounds of sawing wood filled the air, accompanied by clunks and bangs and squeaking. A drill whirred, and more sawing and clunking and crashing and banging and clanging followed. After all the noises ceased, the French guard watched as the Knights and the Senshi pushed a huge wooden structure on wheels toward the castle entrance. The large badger-shaped wooden structure squeaked and creaked as it was pushed up toward the castle entrance and then abandoned as the Knights and the Senshi ran back to where they had first taken cover. Once again, the guards take the wooden structure into the castle.}

King Arthur:
[As he and the others all poke their heads up to watch the guards go into the castle] What happens now?

Sailor Knight:
Please say that this is a better plan than last time.

Sir Bedevere:
Well, now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, will wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the badger-

Sailor Knight:
[Indignantly] That's exactly the same as before!

Sir Bedevere:
[Blinking] Is it?

Sailor Mars:
[In exasperation] Yes, it is! Think of something else, dummy!

Sir Bedevere:
[Thinking] Well... we could try building a huge wooden caribou....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Shaking her head] No. No Trojan Caribou.

Sir Bedevere:
No? [Thinking again] Well, we could try building a huge wooden penguin....

Sailor Neptune:
[Arching an eyebrow] A Trojan Penguin? In England? I don't think so. Try a little harder.

Sir Bedevere:
[Thinking some more] Well, we could try building a huge wooden firefly....

Sailor Saturn:
[Grinning] I kind of like that idea....

Sailor Pluto:
[Shaking her head] No. We will not build a Trojan Firefly.

Sailor Saturn:
[Pouting] Aww.... But, Usagi-chan got a Trojan Usagi, so why can't I get a Trojan Hotaru?

Sailor Knight:
[Smiling] Don't worry, Hotaru-chan. I'll build you a miniture Trojan Hotaru when get back home.

Sailor Saturn:
[Grinning] Yay!

Sir Bedevere:
No firefly, then. Well then, what if we build a huge wooden yeti riding an ox while carrying and eel and a crane?

Sailor Mercury:
[Shaking her head] No, we will not build a Trojan.... [Blinks] What???

Sailor Knight:
Let me get this straight: A Trojan Yeti-Riding-Ox-While-Carrying-Eel- And-Crane?

Sir Bedevere:
[Nodding eagerly] Yes, that's it.

{Sailor Knight promptly smacked Bedevere upside the head.}

Sailor Knight:
[Irritably] Idiot. [Glances up as the sound heavy things being catapulted into the air reaches them] Uh-oh. You know what THAT sound means.

Everyone:
[Nodding] We do. RUN AWAY!!! [Flees as the Trojan Rabbit and the Trojan Badger smash into the ground where they used to stand]

-------------------------------------------------

Jason:
[Starts to fade away] Just follow the damn script, all right? I wanna keep this story moving. [Grumbles as he fades away completely]

Narrator:
[Snorts indignantly] Fine, then. [Clears throat and turns toward the reader] Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights... and reluctantly, the Sailor Senshi as well, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually.

Sailor Senshi:
[Indignantly] We heard that!!!

{As the Narrator stoically ignored the retort from the Sailor Senshi, he failed to notice the sound of a horse's gallop steadly coming closer toward him.}

Narrator:
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot- [Ducks]

{As the narrator sucks, the sword whizzes through the air where he used to stand, causing the knight swinging the aforementioned sword to fall off his horse.}

Knight:
Hey! Aaaah! [Thud] Oww....

Voice:
Cut! Let's try that again!

-Take two-

{As the Narrator stoically ignored the retort from the Sailor Senshi, he failed to notice the sound of a horse's gallop steadly coming closer toward him.}

Narrator:
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot-

{This time, the narrator didn't duck, but the knight missed, causing him to topple from his horse once again.}

Knight:
Waugh! [Thud] Oww... I think I bruised a rib on that one.

Voice:
Cut! Let's try that again!

-Take three-

{As the Narrator stoically ignored the retort from the Sailor Senshi, he failed to notice the sound of a horse's gallop steadly coming closer toward him.}

Narrator:
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot-

{This time, the knight swung too early, falling from his horse yet again.}

Knight:
[Falling toward the narrator] Aaugh!

Narrator:
[Trying to dive out of the way] Look out!

{The knight crashes on top of the narrator, leaving the two in a painful heap.}

Narrator:
[Painfully] Oh... my hip....

Knight:
[Dizzily] But Mommy, I don't want to ride the buffalo again....

Voice:
Cut! Let's try that again!

Knight/Narrator:
[Fearfully] NO!!!

-------------------------------------------------

{A bunny slowly hops into view.}

Bunny:
[Politely] Um, excuse me.

Jason:
Yes?

Bunny:
I couldn't help but notice that this chapter didn't have any bunnies in it.

Jason:
But we're in the Omake section now. [Points up] See? And look. There are bunnies plastered all over the place. [Gestures to the readers] Just ask them. [To the readers] You all saw the bunnies, didn't you? You HAD to. There was one in every damn chapter! It's a regular, find-the-bunny mini-game in a fic... thingy! And don't any of you say that there wasn't any bunnies in the Prologue! Ronald the Amazing Dust Bunny counted in his first appearance only. Subsequent appearances do not count toward the running bunny count. Everyone knows that.

Bunny:
[Sighs] Must you break the fourth wall at every opportunity?

Jason:
[Shrugs] Sorry. Force of habit.

Bunny:
[Sighs again] Never mind....

Jason:
Anyway.... Is there anything else you've got on your mind?

Bunny:
Well.... [Tilts head inquisitively] Are you insane or something?

Jason:
[Sweatdrops] .... [Frowns] What do you mean by that?!?

Bunny:
Well, for one, since when do cats drive?

Jason:
When I say they do.

{A car suddenly drives by with a familiar white and orange calico cat at the wheel. Suddenly, several voices broke into song.}

Voices:
[Singing] It's Toonces, the driving cat!

Toonces:
[While honking the horn] Meow! Meow!

Herbert's father:
[Suddenly rushing on screen] None of that! We'll have no singing in this omake! [Song and music dies]

{The car with the cat driver drives offscreen. Seeing that there was no longer any sign of a musical number breaking out, Herbert's father calmly left this portion of the Omake.}

Jason:
[Points] See?

Bunny:
[Sweatdrops] But that has nothing to do with Sailor Moon or Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Jason:
[Smirks as he gestured in the direction Herbert's father departed in] It does now.

Bunny:
[Sweatdrops] ...you're insane.

Jason:
[Nods] And proud of it.

Bunny:
[Shakes head] If you're going to write a Sailor Moon/Monty Python and the Holy Grail parody, you have to remember to stick with the two shows you're parodying. A driving cat and Elvis impersonators don't exactly fit into those categories. They don't even make any sense.

Jason:
[Shrugs] It doesn't have to make sense... and it more than likely won't. [Grins evilly] Not if I have anything to say about it, at least.

Bunny:
[Flatly] I feel sorry for the readers of this story.

Jason:
They've been warned. The reading of this story is purely voluntary and any brain damage resulting from reading this story is not the fault of the author.

Bunny:
[Sweatdrops] Brain damage?

Jason:
[EVIL grin] Just in case.

Bunny:
[To the readers] Run everybody! Run for your lives!

Jason:
[VERY EVIL grin] It's too late for them, for I have already subjected them to my insanity! Mwaaahahahahahaaa! [Ceases insane cackling] Besides, anyone who is still reading at this point has chosen to do so voluntarily, so they continue to read this at their own peril.

Bunny:
[Shudders] You are truly evil.

Jason:
[Shakes his head and smiles sweetly] No, just truly demented. You don't want to see me get evil.

Bunny:
[Shudders again] I hate to ask, but what do you consider... evil?

Jason:
[Raises a HUGE hypodermic needle] Guess who's due for a flu shot? And I'll give you a hint; she's got pink hair and is currently hiding behind the scale model of the Trojan Rabbit.

{Suddenly, the bunny turns back into the Luna-P ball and floats after its fleeing mistress. After all, those needles were HUGE! She thought the needles that one Droid used in that episode with Nurse Minako were huge, but dammit, this sucker was HUGE! Really HUGE! Really, really HUGE! Super-duper, gosh-darnit, honking HUGE!! All caps, bold, italic, underline in 72 point Times New Roman font viewed at 500% zoom at 800 by 600 screen resolution with your face sitting only two inches away from the screen HUGE!!!}

Jason:
[Glancing down at the monstrous needle he had just set down since it was too damn heavy to carry for very long] Hmm.... Mayhap it was a tad much, methinks.

-------------------------------------------------

{Back with the narrator and Chibiusa....}

Chibiusa:
[Thoughtfully] You know, now that I think about it, I think that "Small_Lady" is kind of a stupid screen name. [Thinks] Hmm.... Hey! What do you think of the name "Pink_Death"?

{The narrator was saved from answering when Chibiusa turned back to play her game. Apparently someone had just challenged her to a one-on-one deathmatch.}

Chibiusa:
[Still laughing maniacally] Hahaha!! Gotcha! And again! Haha... HEY! [Laughter cuts off as her player gets killed] What? Again?!? That's it! Now it's time to get serious!

Narrator:
[Ungodly huge sweatdrops the size of Montana] ....

Chibiusa:
[Staring at the screen in intense concentration] Hah! Gotcha now, you... ah! No! Oh, I'll GET you for that, you bastard! Yeah! How do ya like that? Huh? Do ya like that? Do ya... GAH! No! Oooh! Now I'm mad!

{The narrator could only stare at the epic ping-pong match of a game Chibiusa was playing with her unknown challenger. First, she had the lead, then the opponent, then her, then the opponent. 5- 3. 5-7. 9-7. 9-12. It was almost like watching two professional tennis players trying for the break point, each vying for the advantage in their virtual deuce. 14-12. 14-16. Back and forth. Recieve, answer. 18-16. 18-19. 19-19.}

Chibiusa:
[REALLY concentrating now] Dammit! This guy's good! No way you're beating me, you bastard! There does not live one who can best Tsukino Chibiusa at Unreal Tournament!

{Her player promptly gets gunned down. She loses, 19-20.}

Chibiusa:
[Dropping to her knees, breathing heavily from exertion] Who...? Who was that guy?

{The scene cuts to the next room where the author leans back in his chair at his workstation and grins smugly at the victory screen on the monitor.}

Jason:
[Smugly] Game, set, and match, O Pink One.

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirks back] Remember three months ago when I tricked you into thinking you were drinking some sort of exotic fruit punch, when it was really half orange juice and apple juice and half vodka? [Thoughtful look] As I recall, you really liked it. Really, really liked it.

Sailor Knight:
[Frowns] Yeah, so? Nothing happened. [Expression turns wary] Nothing DID happen, right?

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirk widens] Well... I did tell you nothing happened. However.... [Trails off meaningfully]

Sailor Knight:
[Growing worried] However?

Sailor Uranus:
I lied.

Sailor Knight:
[Sweats] So? It's not like you haven't played practical jokes on me before. We all know that.

Sailor Uranus:
But, I also took the liberty of recording what happened. [Gestures toward the camera] Observe this flashback sequence.

Sailor Knight:
[Waving his hands desperately] No! No, no!! Not that!!!

{Too late. Flashback time.}

Sailor Knight:
[Slumping in defeat] Aw, nuts.

{As the flashback rolls, the readers see Ryoku, Haruka, Michiru, Setsuna, and Hotaru all in the living room of the house the Outer Senshi lived in during the Stars season (to which the author admits that he hasn't really seen as of yet, but has read numerous fanfiction stories and SM-related websites). At any rate, on the table in the middle of the living room is a bowl full of what appeared to be some sort of mixed fruit punch.}

Ryoku:
[Walking toward the table and pours himself a drink] So, you really want to try writing a song with all three of us performing as a trio, Haruka-san? [Takes a drink] Sounds interesting.... [Glances down at the glass in his hand] What's this?

Haruka:
[Grinning] Like it?

Ryoku:
[Takes another drink, then downs the whole thing] It's pretty good. Nice fruity taste, but there's something else to it that gives it quite an interesting flavor. What kind of fruit is this?

Haruka:
[Still grinning] Oh, it's an exotic fruit blend. Some papaya, mango, kiwi, and some other fruits I can't think of right now. [Shrugs]

Ryoku:
Well, whatever it is, it's pretty good. [Pours himself another] Should I pour one for any of you while I'm here?

Michiru:
[Shakes her head] I'm fine, thank you.

Setsuna:
[Also shakes her head] I prefer tea, thank you.

Hotaru:
[Looks up] Can I have one, Ryo-oniichan?

{Haruka started to look nervous for a second, but decided that just one sip wouldn't hurt. Hotaru didn't like the taste of vodka - one time, Hotaru had accidentally took a drink of her screwdriver, thinking it was just regular orange juice, and instantly spit it up - she wouldn't drink any of the spiked juice. She could just pass it off as being too mature for her young taste buds and leave it as that. Better not to tip of Michiru or Setsuna, since neither one could pull a practical joke on Ryoku as well as she could. Not only that, but neither one considered getting the boy extremely drunk off his ass without him knowing it a particularly humorous prank. Well, not everyone had a great sense of humor.}

Ryoku:
[Handing Hotaru her drink] Here you go. [Turns to Michiru] So, what were we talking about again?

{As Michiru and Ryoku started talking again, the young girl took a sip, grimaced and handed the drink back to him. Ryoku shrugged and set the glass on the table, promptly forgetting about it as he drank a third glass. For a while, the five talked while Ryoku helped himself to the juice. After his ninth glass, Setsuna and Michiru were starting to wonder why Ryoku's speech was becoming slurred. Hotaru had gone into the kitchen, looking for something to drink.}

Michiru:
[Curiously] Are you all right, Ryo-kun?

Ryoku:
[Deliberately turning to look at Michiru while blinking] All right? What makes you say that?

{He lifted his glass to take another drink, noticed that it was empty, blinked, stared at the glass for a few moments as if wondering where all the juice had gone, then shrugged as he went to refill his cup. That juice was pretty damn good, whatever fruits it was made out of. Was it starting to get warm in here?}

Setsuna:
Well, considering that you seem to be having trouble grasping that ladle-

Ryoku:
[Frowning] It won't sit still.

Setsuna:
It's an inanimate object.

Ryoku:
[Indignantly] I don't care how stubborn it is, just tell it to stop moving so I can grab it.

{There was much blinking at that statement.}

Michiru:
[Folding her arms] All right, Haruka. What's in that fruit punch?

Haruka:
[Smiling innocently] Various fruit juices, of course.

Michiru:
[Unconvinced] And?

Haruka:
[Blinking questioningly] And what?

Setsuna:
What else was in that punch?

Haruka:
[Uncomprehendingly] What do you mean?

Ryoku:
I got it! Where do you keep your hammer? I'm gonna nail that stubborn ladle to the table so that I can pick it up.

{There was even more blinking at that statement.}

Setsuna:
[Pointed look] Do I really need to explain?

Haruka:
[Still trying to evade answering the question] It's just orange juice and apple juice....

{Hotaru walks back into the room from the kitchen holding a medium-sized bottle with some clear liquid in it. Hotaru's hand was covering most of the label, but the word 'Vodka' was clearly visible on the label.}

Hotaru:
[Holding up the bottle] Michiru-mama, this water smells funny and tastes bad.

Michiru:
[Staring at Haruka with an eyebrow raised] That's not water, Hotaru- chan.

Hotaru:
What is it, then?

Setsuna:
[Also staring at Haruka with a flat expression] Just ask Haruka what it is. I'm sure she knows better than we do what it is.

Ryoku:
I can swear that it's getting warmer in here. Did someone turn on the heater?

Hotaru:
[Blinking] Ryo-oniichan, it's the middle of summer. It's too hot to turn on the heater.

Ryoku:
[Nodding] That's what I told them, but they just won't listen to me. [Sighs] Well, I'd get another drink to cool off, but that ladle is playing hard to get, so I'm just going to have to get some water.

{Ryoku turns to leave, heads straight for the closet, opens the door, and walks in, then closes the door behind him. Michiru and Setsuna turn to regard Haruka with a level look.}

Haruka:
[Laughing sheepishly with one hand behind her head] Okay, so there was a little bit of vodka in there, too.

Setsuna:
How much was 'a little?'

Ryoku:
[Singing from inside the closet] 99 bottles of biiru on the wall! 99 bottles of biiru! You take one down, pass it around.... ...um....

{There was silence in the closet for a few moments.}

Yappa pa! Yappa pa! Ii shan ten! Hashagu koi wa ike no koi!

{Everyone outside the closet promptly sweatdropped.}

Haruka:
[Wanly] Half the bottle.

Michiru:
[Taking the bottle from Hotaru and examining it] So, twenty fluid ounces, then.

Setsuna:
[Glancing toward the closet] At that concentration, he's got to be pretty drunk right now.

Michiru:
[Turning to Haruka and tilting her head inquisitively] Well?

Haruka:
[Hopefully] Practical joke? [Shrugging, seeing that Michiru wasn't buying it] Well, that and I'm taping the whole thing with a hidden camera. I was going to watch it again later, laugh my ass off, then show it to him and laugh my ass off at his expression when he sees what he did while drunk. Just a harmless little practical joke.

Setsuna:
[Flatly] We'll talk later. First, we'll attend to Ryo-kun.

{Suddenly, the door to the closet burst open as Ryoku leapt out wearing nothing but his boxers and one of the white tablecloths tied around his neck like a cape. A white kerchief was tied around his head like a cowl and a second one around his face, covering his mouth. To complete the ensemble, a towel was wrapped around his head like a turban. Without a word, he dashed past everyone and ran up the stairs, stopping between floors and posed dramatically.}

Ryoku:
Appearing in the light of the full moon-

Hotaru:
[Interrupting] But, it's three in the afternoon!

{Ryoku facefaulted, causing him to tumble down the stairs, and crashed into the wall. Unfazed, he leapt back to his feet and resumed his dramatic pose.}

Ryoku:
At any rate, the Moonlight Knight stands ready to fight evil once again!

Setsuna:
[Herding Hotaru toward the stairs] All right, Hotaru-chan. Let's go to your room. I believe there was something you wanted to show me?

Hotaru:
[Pouting] Aw, but I wanted to watch Ryo-oniichan make an ass out of himself.

{Everyone except Ryoku, who was too busy being drunk, stared at Hotaru.}

Setsuna:
[Shaking her head] Hotaru-chan, there are some phrases that you shouldn't learn from Haruka. That was one of them.

Hotaru:
[Blinks, then nods] Yes, Setsuna-mama.

{The two climbed the stairs, passing by the still-posing Ryoku, and headed off to Hotaru's room.}

Haruka:
[Grinning in amusement] Come on, Michiru! Tell me that's not hilarious!

Michiru:
[While maintaining a straight face] Normally, it would be. However, getting Ryo-kun drunk to do it isn't really that funny at all.

Haruka:
[Sighs] Oh, you're no fun.

Ryoku:
Excuse me, but have you seen my pants?

Michiru:
[Pointing toward the closet] In there, I believe.

Ryoku:
[Nodding] Ah. Thank you, milady. Assistance from such a lovely and beautiful lady is much appreciated.

Michiru:
[Smirking at Haruka] He's charming when drunk, don't you think?

Haruka:
[Grunting] As long as he doesn't go too far with it.

Michiru:
[Smirk widens as Ryoku turns to go into the closet] By the way, Ryo- kun has a pretty cute rear-end, don't you think?

Haruka:
[Chokes in surprise] You're not serious.

Michiru:
[Raises an eyebrow] You disagree? Should I get a second opinion from Setsuna?

Setsuna:
[Poking her head out from upstairs] I concur. Ryo-kun has quite the cute rear-end.

Haruka:
[Facefaults] ....

{At this time, Ryoku walked out of the closet wearing his regular clothing again. However, his clothing was not only backwards, but his boxers were now on the outside of his pants.}

Ryoku:
[Blinking as he stared down at himself] Now, I know I didn't take my boxers off to put on my pants....

Haruka:
[Laughing] Tell me that that isn't funny!

Ryoku:
That that isn't funny.

{Haruka paused for a moment, thought about that statement, then started laughing all the more.}

Michiru:
[Shaking her head] .... [To Ryoku] Do you need any help, Ryo-kun?

Ryoku:
Actually, yes. Can you please fix my head? [Points to the mirror across the room] I can see myself in the mirror and I don't think my head is screwed on straight.

Haruka:
[Bursts out laughing again] ....

Michiru:
[Making an effort not to laugh] Your head is fine, Ryo-kun. Your clothes are on backwards and... well.... [Gestures at his boxers]

Ryoku:
[Glances down] What? You want me to take off my boxers? I consider you a friend, Michiru-san, but I don't think I'm ready for that, yet.

Haruka:
[Rolling on the floor, laughing] ....

Michiru:
[Sweatdrops and sighs] Of course not, Ryo-kun. Perhaps it's best if you lie down and get some rest. You've had a long day-

Ryoku:
But it's only three in the afternoon.

{Haruka's laughter continued after noticing that some of her hairs were toinging up in exasperation.}

Michiru:
[Nodding] Yes, but you need some rest. You're completely drunk and not in your right mind.

Ryoku:
Then, whose right mind am I in?

{Haruka roared with laughter at seeing the elegant Kaiou Michiru, violinist extraordinare, develop a facial tic.}

Michiru:
Setsuna! Could you come down here, please?

{Setsuna promptly came down the stairs with Hotaru in tow. The young girl was curious as to why Haruka was gasping and turning red like that and wanted to know what the joke was so she could laugh, too.}

Setsuna:
Yes?

Michiru:
[Pleading look] Can you handle him? Please?

Ryoku:
[Blinking up at Setsuna] Say, you go through time on occasion. So, have you ever met the Flinstones? I bet driving those stone cars hurt your feet after a while. Or the Jetsons? Hey, could you bring me back one of those anti-gravity belts?

{This time, Hotaru was the one laughing, while the rest blankly stared at him.}

Setsuna:
[Nodding] Okay, he's wasted. Time to go to bed, Ryo-kun.

Ryoku:
[Protesting] But I hardly know you, Setsuna-san! Besides, I have a girlfriend already!

Setsuna:
[Resisting the urge to facefault] That's not what I mean, Ryo-kun. You're drunk, so you've got to go to bed to sleep it off. I'll let you sleep in my bed.

Ryoku:
[Hesitantly] All right. Since I'm a guest, I won't refuse your hospitality. Still, don't you think I'm a little too young to be rushing into such things? Not that you're not attractive or anything. [Thwack] ...owie. [Thud]

Haruka:
[Staring at Setsuna as she stands up] That seemed a bit harsh, Setsuna.

Setsuna:
He needs some sleep. I just chose to help him fall asleep.

Michiru:
[Curiously] Tell me, though. How did you make your key staff appear without transforming?

Setsuna:
[Twirls her staff with a flourish] That's a secret.

{Setsuna twirled her staff again, struck a lamp on accident, braking it, and sheepishly made her staff vanish again.}

Setsuna:
[Grabbing Ryoku by the shoulders] Haruka, I need you to help me take him to bed.

Haruka:
[Smirking as she grabs his feet] I thought you weren't trying to sleep with him.

Setsuna:
[Glaring balefully at Haruka as they go up the stairs to her room] Don't make me kill you, Haruka.

{End flashback.}

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Knight:
[Whispering to Uranus] Uh-oh....

Sailor Uranus:
[Whispering back to Knight] I think we're busted....

{Sailor Uranus and Sailor Knight turned around slowly, only to find Sailor Neptune and Sailor Mercury standing behind them with their arms folded and expressions of anger and disappointment mirrored on both their faces.}

Sailor Neptune:
[Angrily] Haruka!

Sailor Mercury:
[Angrily] Ryoku!

Sailor Neptune/Sailor Mercury:
[Very angrily] What the hell do you two think you are doing?!?

Sailor Uranus/Sailor Knight:
[Stammering] Well... um... you see... we, um... well, um....

{With astonishing precision, both Neptune and Mercury grab the arms of their respective significant other simultaneously and started dragging them along with them.}

Sailor Mercury:
[Furiously] I can't believe you! You! Of all people! How could you do even think of doing something so... so.... [Shakes her head in frustration] Augh!

Sailor Knight:
[Bows his head, thouroughly henpecked] Yes, Ami-chan. I'm sorry, Ami- chan. It won't happen again, Ami-chan....

Sailor Neptune:
[Also furiously] And you were calling Ryo-kun a bad influence. Now look! You've got him flirting with other girls, just like you do! And you think I can't see you?

Sailor Uranus:
[Penitently] It was all in good fun. We weren't going to actually DO anything. [To Knight] Right, Ryo-kun?

Sailor Neptune:
[Cutting off Knight before he could answer] Well, seeing how you two seem to like spankings so much, maybe you should be on the receiving end of them.

Sailor Uranus/Sailor Knight:
[Blinking] Huh?

Sailor Mercury:
[Grinning maliciously] You two want spankings? We'll give you spankings....

Sailor Knight:
[To Uranus] You know, I don't think I like how she trailed off like that....

Sailor Uranus:
[Nodding as she sees the looks on the other two Senshi's faces] Me, neither, Ryo-kun. Me, neither....

-------------------------------------------------

Very ugly old man:
[Gestures toward the pot] Would you like something to eat?

Sailor Moon:
[Happily] Yes! Thank you very much!

Sailor Mars:
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?

Very ugly old man:
[Raspy chuckling] Toad eyes, bat wings and rabbit tails.

Sailor Mars:
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?

Very ugly old man:
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. You are.

Sailor Mars:
[Backing away] HELL, NO!

Voice:
Cut! Let's try that again, please.

-Take two-

Sailor Mars:
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?

Very ugly old man:
[Raspy chuckling] Detergent and bleach.

Sailor Mars:
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?

Very ugly old man:
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. I'm trying to make my whites whiter with-

Voice:
Cut! We're not doing a commerical, here.

Sailor Mars:
What do you call the end of Chapter 8?

Voice:
That's an infomercial. Completely different.

Sailor Mars:
[Folds her arms skeptically] Uh-huh.

Voice:
Let's just try that again, please.

-Take three-

Sailor Mars:
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?

Very ugly old man:
[Raspy chuckling] Toad eyes, bat wings and rabbit tails.

Sailor Mars:
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?

Very ugly old man:
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. I'm making hot dogs.

Sailor Mars:
[Pointing] I just KNEW that was what they were putting in those things!

Sailor Moon:
[Quietly vomiting off screen] Buuuuuuegh!

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighing] Rei-chan, that was what Usagi-chan had for lunch yesterday, remember?

Sailor Mars:
[Sheepishly] Oops. Sorry, Usagi.

Sailor Moon:
Buuuuuuuuegh!

Voice:
Cut! Get Usagi some Pepto and let's try this again, please.

-Take four-

Sailor Mars:
[Glancing at the pot] What's in the pot?

Very ugly old man:
[Raspy chuckling] Sugar, spice, and everything nice.

Sailor Mars:
[Grimacing in disgust] And you're gonna EAT that?!?

Very ugly old man:
[More raspy chuckling] Of course not, child. [Gesturing toward a nearby shelf] Say, can you hand me some of that cinnamon?

Sailor Moon:
[Eagerly] I'll get it! [Reaches for the spice and accidentally knocks over a flask which breaks against the rim of the metal pot, allowing the dark liquid inside to spill into the pot.}

Very Ugly Old Man:
[Lamenting] Oh no! You broke my flask of Chemical X!

Sailor Moon:
[Blinking] Huh?

{Just as soon as Sailor Moon said 'Huh?', the contents of the metal pot exploded, revealing three very cute little girls with very, VERY big eyes that were the same colors as their clothing. The blonde glanced around, noticed the Sailor Senshi and started to giggle excitedly, while the black-haired girl merely folded her arms in a huff. The red-haired girl with the bow in her hair regarded the scene with some thought, then finally decided to speak.}

Red-haired girl:
I take it we're not in Townsville, right?

{Everyone nodded slowly, too stunned to say anything.}

Black-haired girl:
[Irritably] We would have to end up in the wrong series. [Notices the blonde girl's excited giggling] What're you so excited about?

Blonde girl:
[Pointing excitedly] Look, you guys! It's Sailor Moon! And there's Sailor Mars and Sailor Pluto, too! They look just like they do in the anime! [To Sailor Moon] Your hair is so pretty! I want mine to look like yours when I grow up!

Sailor Moon:
[Blinks, then smiles] You like my hair? It takes such a long time to do it up properly and-

Voice:
Cut! All right, that's enough of that.

Blonde girl:
[Pouting] But we just got here, and I've always wanted to meet the Sailor Senshi! [Sticks her tongue out at the other two girls] See? I told you they were real!

{The black-haired girl and the red-haired girl finally finished staring at the Sailor Senshi, then exchanged a bewildered look between them.}

Black-haired girl:
[Staring at the Senshi] I don't know what's scarier: The fact that characters from one of her anime series are real, or the fact that she was actually right about them being real.

Red-haired girl:
[Nodding slowly] I know what you mean. It's so eerie.

{The Sailor Senshi all exchange glances, wondering if they should point out the 'pot calling the kettle black' situation they had here.}

Voice:
I said, cut already! We are NOT going any further into this! There are too many anime references in this story as it is without adding this into it!

Sailor Pluto:
[Calmly] Shall we do another take?

Voice:
Screw that. We're going on to the next omake.

-------------------------------------------------

Sir Bedevere:
So, what have you got to eat, then?

Very ugly old man:
[Gets up and walks over to a stove conveniently placed off-screen] Let's see....

Sailor Mars:
[Points] Hey! There weren't any stoves in 932 A.D.!

Sir Bedevere:
And how would you know? Were you alive in 932 A.D.?

Sailor Mars:
I'm here now.

Sir Bedevere:
[Nods and points] And there's a stove. Therefore, your information was incorrect, as you can see.

Sailor Mars:
[Boggles] ....

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs] Just let it go.

{The old man turns down the flames on his gas stove, then turns toward his toaster after a slice of toast had quickly popped up. As he takes a bite of the toast, a ding sound resounds from his microwave, indicating that his bacon has just finished defrosting. After removing the bacon and setting it to fry in his teflon, non-stick skillet, he grabs a couple of eggs, cracks them, and pours them into a food processor. The food processor whirls to life as he turns the machine on, then adds onions, bell peppers, and tomatoes in order to prepare the eggs to make an omelet. The blender next to the food processor already had beaten eggs in it, in case anyone wanted ordinary scrambled eggs instead.}

Very ugly old man:
I'd offer you some hash browns, but my deep frier is on the blink right now. [Shakes his head] I can never get the stupid thing to work properly anyway....

Sailor Mars:
[Boggles even further] ....

Sailor Pluto:
[Shakes her head] Some people just don't know the meaning of the word 'restraint'.

{A sign appears with the words "Restraint? Sounds uncomfortable. Sorry, but I'm not into the kinky stuff. -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Facefaults] ....

Sailor Mars:
[Finishes boggling, then boggles some more, just to be sure] ....

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Pluto:
[Scowls] But all the rest have spam in it! I don't want anything that has spam in it.

Very ugly old man:
Well... spam, bacon, sausage and spam doesn't have that much spam in it.

Sailor Pluto:
[Insistantly] I don't want any spam.

Sailor Moon:
Why can't you have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage?

Sailor Pluto:
That has spam in it!

Sailor Moon:
Not as much as spam, bacon, sausage and spam.

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs patiently] Look, could I have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?

Sailor Moon:
[Sticking out her tongue and grimacing in disgust] Eeeuugh!

Sailor Pluto:
[Starting to lose her patience] What do you mean, 'eeeuugh'? I don't like spam!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Singing jovially as they eat] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spamity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam! Lovely spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!

{Suddenly, a horde of vikings burst in, grabs everyone's spam, and rushes out of the hut, all the while singing happily.}

Viking horde:
[Singing happily] Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spam, spam, spam, spam! Spamity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam! Lovely spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!

Sailor Moon:
[Leaping to her feet and giving chase] Hey! Come back here with my spam! Gimme back my spam, dammit!!!

Viking horde:
[Singing happily] Spamity spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaam! Lovely spaaaaam! Wonderful spaaaaaam!

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs in relief] At least I don't have to worry about spam any more.

Sailor Moon:
[Still chasing the Viking horde] Gimme back my spam, or on behalf of the Moon, I'll punish you!!!

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Pluto:
[Testily] Can't I have eggs, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?

Very ugly old man:
[Questioning look] What for?

Sailor Pluto:
[Getting frustrated] AAAUGH!

Very ugly old man:
It wouldn't be eggs, bacon, spam and sausage, would it?

Sailor Pluto:
[Very close to snapping] I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!

Sailor Moon:
[Slowly backing away and the others pretend not to notice Pluto's slow breakdown] Well, why don't we try this. [Takes some green food coloring and mixes it with some scrambled eggs] How about now?

Sailor Pluto:
[Eyeing the food warily] Just... what is that?

Sailor Moon:
[Offering the plate] What else? Green eggs and spam. Want some?

Sailor Pluto:
[Shaking her head] I do not like green eggs and spam. [Pushes the plate away]

Sailor Moon:
[Unconvinced] Well, perhaps the presentation is wrong. How about here? [Turns the plate one way] Or there? [Turns the plate another way]

Sailor Pluto:
[Firmly] I do not like them here or there; I do not like them ANYwhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.

Very ugly old man:
I have an idea, if you please. [Brings out a block of cheddar cheese] Would you eat them with some cheese?

Sailor Pluto:
[Shaking her head] I do not want them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.

Sailor Moon:
Would you, could you, eat with Luna? [Holds up her black cat, who is grumbling unhappily]

Luna:
[Complaining] How'd I get stuck with this cameo bit part? Why couldn't it've been Artemis? I bet he would've loved to do something like this....

Sailor Moon:
[Setting down Luna and holding up a thin, cylindrical can] Would you eat them with some tuna?

Luna:
[Staring with her mouth agape] Usagi-chan, that's MY tuna! Give it back!

Sailor Pluto:
I would not eat them with some tuna, nor would I eat that stuff with Luna. [To Luna] No offense.

Luna:
[Shaking her head] None taken.

{The black cat then leaped up and snatched the can of tuna out of Sailor Moon's hands, then dashed off with it, lest the author try to incorporate her into the omake any further.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Continuing] I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.

Sailor Mars:
[Pointing outside] Would you eat them on a bus?

{Sailor Pluto glanced over her shoulder to look outside and saw a bus drive by with the words "A Grail?!? Studio Tours" on the side.}

Tour guide:
[Through a loudspeaker] And to your left, you can see the straw hut where the famous "Scene Twenty-four" was filmed. Please refrain from using any flash photography until we reach the Cave of Caerbannog. Thank you. [Bus drives away]

Sailor Mars:
Would you eat with that guy, Gus?

Gus:
[From off screen] Um, that's okay. I just ate. Besides, cameramen usually have to stay behind the camera, you know?

Sailor Pluto:
[Nodding] I will not eat with that guy, Gus, nor will I eat them on a bus. I will not eat them with some tuna, nor will I eat that stuff with Luna. I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.

Sailor Moon:
[Holding up a plastic combination spoon and fork] Would you eat them with a spork? [Gestures toward the front door] Or, would you eat them with a dork?

Umino:
[Walking inside] Did someone call my name?

Sailor Pluto:
[Shaking her head] No. No one called you.

Umino:
[Nodding] I thought so. [Turning to leave] I swear, this has got to be the weirdest dream I've ever been in. I'm usually in shining armor and riding a great black stallion in these types of dreams, not in my regular clothes, or talking with the Sailor Senshi. I'm mean, the Sailor Senshi, in medieval England? This is too strange to be real.... [Trails off as he leaves the hut]

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs and stares heavenward] What is this? Cameo Day? Who else is going to show up? Bugs Bunny?

{Suddenly, a hole appears in the floor and a certain animated rabbit pops his head out from underneath the ground.}

Bugs Bunny:
[Eagerly] Here we are! Pismo Beach and all the clams we can eat! [Pauses as he takes in the scenery] Ehhh.... Somehow, I get the feeling that I'm not in Kansas anymore.... [Brings out a travel map] I knew I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque....

{With a calm aplomb, Sailor Pluto strode over to the cartoon bunny, bent over, and calmly flipped the map right-side up.}

Bugs Bunny:
[Hits himself in the head in realization] A-ha! So that's why I kept getting lost! And here I thought I was reading a foreign map of some sort. Thanks!

{Bugs leapt into the air, performed a swan dive with a twist and a half- gainer, and dove back into his hole, tunneling his way toward his destination. Sailor Pluto calmly refilled the hole and patted it smooth with her booted foot.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Sighs again] I know I asked for it when I opened my mouth. I should know better by now. [Turns toward Sailor Moon] At any rate, I will not eat them with a spork, nor will I eat them with a dork. I will not eat with that guy, Gus, nor will I eat them on a bus. I will not eat them with some tuna, nor will I eat that stuff with Luna. I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.

King Arthur:
[Holds up a thin, yellow box with one hand] Would you eat them with some Triscuits? [Holds up a tray in the other hand] Or perhaps, with tea and biscuits?

Sailor Pluto:
The tea is tempting, but.... [Sighs patiently, trying to calm herself, and shakes her head] I will not eat them with some Triscuits, nor will I with some tea and biscuits. I will not eat them with a spork, nor will I eat them with a dork. I will not eat with that guy, Gus, nor will I eat them on a bus. I will not eat them with some tuna, nor will I eat that stuff with Luna. I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them anywhere. I will not eat them if I can. I do not like green eggs and spam.

Sailor Moon:
Would you eat them, cooked well done? [Pleadingly] Won't you eat them, just for fun?

Sailor Pluto:
[Twitches] Fun? You think this... is fun?

Sailor Moon:
[Thinks] Um.... Yes?

Sailor Pluto:
[Twitches again] .... [Grows angry] So be it. I will not eat them just for fun, not even if they're cooked well done. I will not eat them with some Triscuits, nor will I with some tea and biscuits. I will not eat them with a spork, nor will I eat them with a dork. I will not eat with that guy, Gus, nor will I eat them on a bus. I will not eat them with some tuna, nor will I eat that stuff with Luna. I will not eat them, if you please. Not even with a block of cheese. I do not like them here or there; I do not like them ANYWHERE. [Stands up] I WILL NOT eat them if I can.

{She then grabs the plate of green eggs and spam and dumps the food on Sailor Moon's head.}

Sailor Pluto:
[Grinning in satisfaction] So, you go eat your eggs and spam.

Sailor Moon:
[Wiping the food off of her face and head] You know, somehow I get the feeling that this wasn't the way the rhyme was supposed to end....

-------------------------------------------------

King Arthur:
[Urgingly] And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?

Very ugly old man:
[And yet even more raspy laughing] Hahahaha! Hehehehehehehe! Hahahaha! Hehehehe!

King Arthur:
[Exchanging glances with Sir Bedevere] Where does he live?

Very ugly old man:
[Surprise! It's still more of the raspy laughing] Hehehehehehe....

Sailor Mars:
[Dryly] He's certainly gotten happy all of a sudden.

Sailor Moon:
[Still eating] Is it because of the spam?

Sailor Pluto:
[Warningly] Don't start, Usagi-chan.

Sailor Moon:
[Swallows audibly] Um... right, Setsuna-san.

King Arthur:
[Urgently] Old man, where does he live?

Very ugly old man:
[And more of the laughing that is raspy] Hahahahaha.... He knows of a cave. A cave of wonders!

Sailor Moon:
[Interrupting] Excuse me, but isn't that line from a different movie?

Very ugly old man:
[Blinking] Huh?

King Arthur:
[Flatly] Old man, do you realize that if you continue in this manner you might incure the wrath of the Mouse?

Sailor Mars:
[Folding her arms] I'm stating, for the record, that I'm involved in this against my will.

Sailor Moon:
[Also folding her arms] You're not the only one.

King Arthur:
[Testily] Oh, would all of you shut up?

Sir Bedevere:
Yes, my liege.

King Arthur:
Oh, shut up. I didn't mean you.

{Sir Bedevere was silent for many minutes trying to figure out if he meant for him to shut up or not to shut up. That was the question.}

-------------------------------------------------

Makoto:
[Glances toward the back of the studio] I see that Hotaru's waving at us. That must mean we have a caller.

Ryoku:
[Blinks] How can we have a caller? We never gave out our phone number. [Pauses for a moment] We don't even have a phone!

Hotaru:
[From inside the control booth] Don't ask me, Ryo-oniichan. I barely know how this stuff works.

{Suddenly, all the lights cut off all at once.}

Hotaru:
[Sheepishly] Oops.

{The lights come back on.}

Makoto:
I thought that Ami-chan was supposed to be working the control booth?

Hotaru:
She was, but that was she accidentally dropped her Mercury minicomputer and stepped on it.

Ryoku:
So, where is she now?

Hotaru:
[Shrugging] I don't know. Radio Shack, maybe?

Ryoku:
[Dryly] I doubt Radio Shack has parts for magical devices.

{The scene then cuts to show Ami walking out of Radio Shack with several bags worth of purchases.}

Ami:
[Grinning eagerly] 80 Gb PCMCIA hard drives, 256 Mb VRAM video cards, 512 Mb DIMM sticks of RAM, 48X DVD-RW drives, Wireless PCMCIA Cable Modem NIC, 128-bit sound cards, USB optical mouse.... Am I forgetting anything?

{The blue-haired girl began to laugh. Not a regular, happy type of laugh, but an insane, mad scientist type of laugh. The type that always seems to send chills up the spines of regular, happy types of people.}

Ami:
[Grinning madly as she takes out her broken minicomputer and stares feverishly at it] I can make it faster.... Stronger.... I have the power. I have the technology.

{Ami once again began to laugh in a manner that nice, young girls should not laugh in.}

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

We apologize for the return of the faults in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have sacked the people who have sacked the people who have....

Oh, hell with it. Everyone has now just been sacked.

Including me.

The producer, who has also just been sacked, wishes it to be known that although everyone has now been sacked, the remainder of this movie will be completed, even if the job of writing the rest of this movie has to be given to ten monkeys writing on ten typewriters.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

{The scene changes to a room with ten winged monkeys typing furiously at ten typewriters.}

Narrator:
[Voice-over] And so, even though I have been sacked, the story continues.

-------------------------------------------------

{AO;-)Ssd KJionandg AWrrthkuar abjndas rtyhe SAsaiiiol,;ore ASwermnsahi rewoisdew thhrehw rerthew ffsoerewast....}

-------------------------------------------------

{In the middle of the room, an old woman with sickly colored skin - almost green in color - and dressed in a black dress with a black pointed hat, cackled as she directed the winged monkeys in their frenzied typing.

Old woman:
[Cackling] Type, my pretties! Type! Eeheheheheheee!

{In the background, as the winged monkeys type, an orchestra began to play a vaguely familiar theme with the string section prominently playing the melody. The music began to accelerate as the monkeys continued to type, going faster and faster. From out of seemingly nowhere, the old woman brought out a crystal ball and began to wave her hands over it. The image of Sailor Moon and the other Sailor Senshi appeared within the ball.}

Old woman:
[Still cackling] I'll get you, my little Moon Princess, and your little cat, too! Eeeeheheheheeeee! [Thud]

{The music and the old woman's cackling cut off abruptly as a port-a-potty suddenly crashed down upon the woman. She stood back up, dazed and confused, only to have a hot dog stand crash down on top of her. Followed by a park bench, a park fountain, a mailbox, a plastic statue of the Hamburgler, and a Ford Pinto, which miraculously crashed head-first into the pile and stuck. Amazingly enough, the old woman survived the whole mess and managed to crawl out from underneath it all.}

Old woman:
[Hobbling in pain as the winged monkeys continued to type, ignoring everything] Things like this never happened back in Oz....

{The old woman straightened and glanced up, just in time to see a pigeon fly overhead. This gave her cause for alarm for three reasons. One, the wrecked car in that pile behind her was a Ford Pinto and its tail was sticking straight up in the air. Two, the pigeon was heading straight for the car. And three, she had noticed that the car in question had just recently been through a car wash. And everyone knows what happens when you get a pigeon near a freshly-washed car.}

Old woman:
[Bringing out a broom and waving it at the pigeon] Shoo! Shoo!! SHOO!!!

{Drop. Splat. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!}

Old woman:
[Coughing while slighly charred] Well... that wasn't so bad. [Cackles in spite of third degree burns] Eeeheheheheee!

{The old woman cackled madly as the singed winged monkeys STILL continued to type away, regardless of whether all of the paper had burned away or not, as they were too stupid to notice anyway. Suddenly, and with a bit of an anticlimatic flair, a section of a plush apartment complex suddenly crashed upon the hapless old woman.}

Old woman:
[While being flattened] Urk!

{The occupant of said apartment quickly exited the apartment to see what the hell had happened. Upon exiting, the occupant of the suddenly relocated apartment took in the radically different scenery, the legs of the old woman sticking out from underneath the uprooted section of the apartment complex, and the winged monkeys, still typing and seemingly oblivious to anything else... and sweatdropped. As the poor soul was taking all this in, the shoes from the old woman vanished, only to reappear upon the feet of the confused, and now mortified, owner of the apartment that had dropped upon the shoes' previous owner.}

Mamoru:
[Trying to pry the Ruby Slippers off of his feet] Dammit, I said I was on vacation! Can't you leave me alone for just one story? And get these shoes off of me! These are women's shoes, dammit! How am I supposed to look properly handsome and bishounen if I'm wearing ladies' shoes?!?

{Behind Mamoru, a white cat slowly padded out of the apartment where he thought he would be safe from the madness of this story's author. Oh, how wrong he was.}

Artemis:
[Blinking at seeing Mamoru in a pair of red, sequin-studded slippers surrounded my a horde of winged monkeys mindlessly slaving away at typewriters, and sweatdropped profusely] Looks like we're not in Tokyo anymore, Mamoru-san.

{And thus, the white feline demonstrated his phenomenal gift for the understatment.}

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

On second thought, nix the monkeys. Perhaps if we used ten bunnies....

*WHAM! X 1,000*

.............. .............. .............. .............. .............. ..............

(Do you think he's dead?)

*twitches*

{No, but close enough.}

(But, he'll recover and the author will continue with the omake!)

{Not our concern. Besides, this guy's just the subtitler. Not his fault.}

(Oh. Okay, then)

...medic....

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Man:
[Turns to leave] Just try to keep the fiction as fiction, all right? We don't want another EVA or Gundam or Labor or any other large mecha wrecking the place like last time. You're lucky we let you use your reality-warping laptop in the shop, anyway.

Jason:
[Sighs] Yeah, yeah, I know. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a Rabbit to catch.

Man:
[Watches as Jason locks his laptop and chases after Chibiusa] At least it's not Pokémon again.

Jason:
[Walks back in] I got her!

Man:
[Blinking] That was quick. How'd you catch her so fast?

{The author grinned as he displayed a familiar red and white sphere.}

Jason:
[Smugly] With this.

Man:
[Groaning with his face in his hands] Oh, no. Not THAT again.

Jason:
[Nodding with a wicked grin] Afraid so. [Throws the ball] Chibimoon! I choose you!

{The Pokéball bounces on the ground, then pops open, depositing the poor Sailor Senshi-in-training in full Senshi mode on the floor.}

Sailor Chibimoon:
[Standing up and rubbing her behind gingerly] Ouch.... Hey! This isn't fair, Jason-san! I don't wanna be a Pokémon!

Man:
....

Jason:
Stop wining! You say you're a Senshi-in-training? Then, it's time for training. [Points dramatically] Chibimoon! Pink Sugar Attack, now!

Man:
[Sweatdrops as he watches Sailor Chibimoon perform a Pink Sugar Heart Attack which only travels five feet before making a 90 degree drop straight for the floor] Well, I can see that you're pretty busy, so I'll just leave you to your work....

Jason:
[Throws his hands into the air in exasperation] Aaagh! It'll take forever for you to gain a level, Chibimoon! You'll never evolve to Sailor Senshi at this rate!

-------------------------------------------------

Head Knight:
[Nods in satisfaction] Good. [Turns to the others] The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.

King Arthur:
[Reverent] Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.

Head Knight:
Ni!

Random knights:
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Wincing] Ow! Ow! Aagh!

Sailor Moon/Mars/Pluto:
[Blinks and sweatdrops] ....

Head Knight:
We shall say 'Ni' again to you if you do not appease us.

King Arthur:
[To Knights] Well, what is it you want?

Head Knight:
We want... [Dramatic pause] ...a rubber duckie! [Dramatic chord]

Random knights:
A duckie! A duckie! Ni! Ni!

Knights/Senshi:
[Blinking] A what???

Sailor Moon:
But, you don't have a bathtub.

Head Knight:
[Straightening in realization] Oh, that's right! In that case, we shall demand a different sacrifice. We want... [Dramatic pause] ...a Chia Pet! [Dramatic chord]

Random knights:
A Chia Pet! A Chia Pet! Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!

Head knight:
[To the other knights] Shh!

Sailor Pluto:
Sorry, but the Chia Pet won't exist until the late Twentieth Century.

Head knight:
[Sighs] Oh, bother. Well then, we shall demand a different sacrifice.

Sailor Mars:
[Deadpan] Oh, joy.

Head knight:
We want... [Dramatic pause] ...a diet soda! [Dramatic chord]

Knights/Senshi:
[Facefaults] ....

Random knights:
Diet soda! Diet soda! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

King Arthur/Sir Bedevere:
[Cringing] Ow! Oh!

Sailor Moon/Mars/Pluto:
[Exchanging glances] ....

King Arthur:
[Begging] Please! Please! No more! We will find you a diet soda!

Head Knight:
One that tastes good.

King Arthur:
Of course.

Head Knight:
And not too much sugar.

King Arthur:
[Patiently] Yes.

Head Knight:
And....

Sailor Mars:
[Cuts him off] Don't push it. [Mutters] I still don't see what's so great about diet soda. It still tastes like fake soda to me. And no matter how hard they try, they'll never, ever get Diet Dr. Pepper to taste like regular Dr. Pepper.

Head Knight:
[Continues as if he was never interrupted and points] Now... go!

-------------------------------------------------

Narrator:
[Lifts her head to look at him] Um, can I go now?

Jason:
[Stops typing and turns to look at her] I'm still upset at you for what you and Chibiusa did last chapter, you know.

Narrator:
[Winces] ....

Jason:
[Leans back in his chair] I was almost finished and would've dismissed you in a couple of minutes before you interrupted me.

Narrator:
[Winces harder] ....

Jason:
[Grins wickedly] But, I can tell you're in a hurry, so I'll tell you what. I'll be more than happy to let you be on your way.

Narrator:
[Looks relieved] Really?

{As the author nods, a long red rope suddenly drops from the ceiling to hang a short distance to the author's right. The narrator's eyes widen tremendously as soon as she sees the rope.}

Jason:
[Smirks as he reaches for the rope] I take it you recognize this rope.

Narrator:
[Nods timidly] ....

Jason:
Then, you know what's going to happen next?

Narrator:
[Nods] I've seen Excel Saga. [Begs] Please, not the Pit!

Jason:
But, I thought you wanted to leave. I'm just going to help you leave this room as quickly as possible. [Tugs on rope]

Narrator:
[Cringes] NO!!!

{Suddenly, a large bathtub drops from the ceiling and clobbers the narrator, much to the author's surprise.}

Jason:
[Blinks as he releases the rope] Oops. Wrong rope.

-Take two-

Jason:
Then, you know what's going to happen next?

Narrator:
[Nods] I've seen Excel Saga. [Begs] Please, not the Pit!

Jason:
But, I thought you wanted to leave. I'm just going to help you leave this room as quickly as possible. [Tugs on rope]

Narrator:
[Cringes] NO!!!

{Suddenly, a huge boxing glove shoots out from out of nowhere and smashes the narrator square in the face.}

Narrator:
[Dazedly] Ooooh.... Lookit all the pretty birdies! [Thud]

Jason:
[Blinks as he releases the rope] Oops. This's the wrong one, too. My bad.

-Take three-

Jason:
Then, you know what's going to happen next?

Narrator:
[Pleadingly] Please, can't I just have the Pit this time? I don't wanna get whammied again.

Jason:
[Considers] Well... all right. [Pulls on rope]

{Suddenly, a trap door opens underneath the narrator, causing her to plummet down into the dark depths below.

Narrator:
[While falling down the Pit and speaking in a rapid-fire Excel-esque manner] Oh, thank you so much, and I am so, so grateful that after so much pain and suffering on my part with the tub and the boxing glove, that you would look past all the insanity and disappointment in me and choose to grant me this relief from being inflicted with so much random slapstick humor, and right now I am noticing that this Pit really is quite long and dark and scary, so I am starting to wonder if I'll ever reach the bottom of the Pit before I either hit bottom or run out of breath, whichever one first, and come to think of it, I really, really do hope that there's some water at the bottom of this Pit, or else I'm gonna hit and go splat all over the place, which doesn't really strike me as being a very pleasant feeling, so I hope that there is at least enough water to allow me some reasonable chance at survival, and would you look at that, there IS water down th- [Splash]

Jason:
[Lowering a police speed radar thingy] 93 words per minute. I'll have to write her a ticket for speeding.

-------------------------------------------------

{As the two Sailor Senshi continued to follow Launcelot, a strange noise began to approach the group from overhead. As one, the four all looked up to see a young woman hurtling down toward them.}

Narrator:
...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....

Sailor Jupiter:
[Blinking] Minako-chan, isn't that the narrator up there?

Sailor Venus:
[Sweatdrops] I think so. Looks like she's about to crash land into the river.

Narrator:
[Still falling] ...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]

Sailor Venus:
[Raises a scorecard that says '7.95'] Not bad.

Launcelot:
[Raises a scorecard that says '8.50'] Nice distance.

Concorde:
[Raises a scorecard that says '9.00'] Nice splash.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Raises a scorecard that shows a picture of a smiley-face] I lost all my other scorecards.

Narrator:
[Stands up in the river, extremely dazed] I'm... all right.... Really.... [Spots the scorecards] Oh, you like me! You really like me! [Falls back down, unconscious]

{The two Sailor Senshi quickly grabbed the unconscious narrator, stood her up while Sir Launcelot pronounced her the winner - no surprise, since she was the only participant - and Concorde presented her with a first-place medal, then dropped her right back into the river, waking her up again.}

Narrator:
[Face down in the river] I'bb albb brigghb. Bbreebry.

Subtitle:
I'm all right. Really.

-------------------------------------------------

{Mad cackling ensued as Launcelot continued to hack and slash, racking up an impressive body count... for the Dark Ages, that is.}

Jason:
[Counting off screen as the Dramatic Fight Sequence Music® continued to play] Servant: 100 points. Wedding guest: 150 points. Another servant: 100 points. Guard: 300 points. Another servant: 100- no, 200 points; he got two of 'em. Ooh, three wedding guests: 450 points! [Shouts] Hey, Launcelot! 5000 more points and you get a level-up!

Sir Launcelot:
[While running up the stairs] Oh, well, that's very kind of you. [Stabs two more servants]

{Suddenly, Launcelot bursts into the main hall where Princess Lucky was sitting, preparing for the wedding.}

Sir Launcelot:
Ha ha! [Kicks a couple of servants]

Jason:
[Off screen] Hey! No experience points for kicking, Launcelot!

Sir Launcelot:
[Pauses for a moment] Oh, bother. Well, can I maim them, anyway?

Jason:
[Considers off screen] No, you have to move on.

Sir Launcelot:
[Droops] Oh. [Shrugs] Well, all right. [Chops an elderly servant] Ha ha!

Jason:
[Grins off screen at the mayhem] Ahahaha! Mayhem! Mayhem!!! [Cackles wickedly]

{Launcelot runs toward the stairs leading toward the Tall Tower, pausing only to chop a bouquet of flowers in half.}

Jason:
[Considering off screen] Hmm.... Bouquet: 10 points.

Sir Launcelot:
[Grins] Well, thank you, sir.

Jason:
[Off screen] Continue.

{Launcelot runs up the spiral staircase leading up to the top of the Tall Tower. Once he bursts into the room, the first guard points toward him and tries to remember his orders while Launcelot runs the other guard through, permanently curing him of his hiccups.}

Guard 1:
[Pointing while thinking] Now, you're not allowed to enter the room- [Gets stabbed] Aaugh! [Dies]

Jason:
[Off screen] All right, cue the stage boss!

{A HUGE bulk of a man stomped into the room, wielding a gigantic axe large enough to make Launcelot's sword look like a metal toothpick in comparison.}

Jason:
[Off screen] Beat this guy and you gain enough experience points to gain a level. Have fun. Don't get slaughtered.

Sir Launcelot:
[Faintly as he eyes the monstrous axe] Oh. How nice. [Sweatdrops]

-------------------------------------------------

{Meanwhile, Launcelot finally started his descent, hurtling down toward the ground. Fortunately, there were several pools of water scattered about the area, giving the knight a fair chance of landing in one. All he had to do was avoid the bamboo poles seemingly scattered everywhere, almost one in each pool.}

Sir Launcelot:
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]

{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}

Guide:
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!

{Unfortunately for Sir Launcelot, the Guide also knew which pool the hapless knight landed in.}

Guide:
[Dragging out a now young, female knight] Aiyaa! Very bad, sir, you fall in spring. This spring is the Spring of Drowned Girl. Very tragic story of young girl that fell in spring 2000 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of young girl.

Sir Launcelot:
[Staring down at... her chest] Huh...? [Screams in horror] What in the bloody hell happened to me?!?

Voice:
Cut! You dummy! You fell in the wrong spring! [Aside] Hey! Somebody get Ishi-san on speakerphone! [Short pause accompanied by a phone ringing]

Ishi-san:
[Cheerily] Great Will of the Macrocosm speaking. How can I help you?

Voice:
Ishi-san? Can I get a quick omake reset? Launcelot-baka got himself cursed.

Ishi-san:
[Still cheerily] All right! One reset, coming up! Here we go!

{Reseting reality....}

-Take two-

Sir Launcelot:
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]

{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}

Guide:
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!

{Unfortunately for Sir Launcelot, the Guide also knew which pool the hapless knight landed in.}

Guide:
[Dragging out a now small, black piglet] Aiyaa! Very bad, sir, you fall in spring. This spring is the Spring of Drowned Black Piglet. Very tragic story of small, black piglet that fell in spring 1500 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of small, black piglet.

Sir Launcelot:
[Almost hysterical] Bweee!!! Bwee, buki, bwee, bweeee!!!

Voice:
Cut! Idiot! You fell in the wrong spring again! [Aside] Hey! Somebody get Ishi-san again! [Short pause as someone hits the redial button on the speakerphone]

Ishi-san:
[Cheerily] Great Will of the Macrocosm speaking. How can I help you?

Voice:
Ishi-san? The idiot got himself cursed again.

Ishi-san:
[Surprised] Again? [Cheery again] All right, then! Another reset, coming up! Here we go!

{Reseting reality... again....}

-Take three-

Sir Launcelot:
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]

{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}

Guide:
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!

{Unfortunately for Sir Launcelot, the Guide also knew which pool the hapless knight landed in.}

Guide:
[Dragging out a now tiny, skinny dog] Aiyaa! Very bad, sir, you fall in spring. This spring is the Spring of Drowned Chihuahua. Very tragic story of tiny, skinny dog that fell in spring 1750 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of tiny, skinny dog.

Sir Launcelot:
[Turning to look at the readers] ¿Yo quiero Taco Bell?

Guide:
For some strange reason, they also speak in Spanish, too.

Voice:
Cut! Incompetent! You can't even hit the broad side of Montana! [Aside] Hey! Get Ishi-san again! Speed dial #3! [Short pause accompanied by a phone ringing]

Ishi-san:
[Cheerily] Great Will of the Macrocosm speaking. How can I help you?

Voice:
Ishi-san?

Ishi-san:
[Flatly] Again?

Voice:
[Sighs] Yes. Again.

Ishi-san:
[Sighs again] And just when things were getting good over here.

{In the background, a distinctive cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" could be heard on Ishi-san's end.}

Ishi-san:
[Resigned sigh] All right, then. Here we go!

{Again with the reseting of reality....}

-Take four-

Sir Launcelot:
[Plummeting] ...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [Huge splash]

{Fortunately, the knight managed to avoid all the bamboo poles. Unfortunately, he was wearing a lot of metal armor at the time, thus making it very hard to swim. Fortunately, the pool was shallow and it wasn't too far to the bottom. Unfortunately, the manner in which he struck the water had knocked him out; even metal armor doesn't offer very much protection against a very powerful belly-flop. Fortunately, someone happened to be nearby when Launcelot hit the water. Unfortunately, he wasn't about to jump in after him. Fortunately, this same person also knew all about these particular pools. After all, his family line was dedicated to acting as guides to this particular area. Therefore, he knew exactly how to go about getting this person out of the water.}

Guide:
[Running back from his house, carrying a long wooden pole] Here, sir! You grab onto this! I pull you out!

{Unfortunately for Sir Launcelot, the Guide also knew which pool the hapless knight landed in.}

Guide:
[Dragging out a now brown, furry... something] Aiyaa! Very bad, sir, you fall in spring. This spring is the Spring of Drowned....

{The guide pauses as he squints at the sign, then takes out a small book out of his trouser pocket titled 'Guide to Cursed Springs, Pocket Edition', cross-checks the sign with the book, then nods, albeit unsurely.}

Guide:
[Unsurely] Well... if that what book say, then that what book say. Sir, sign say you fall in Spring of Drowned Snuffleuppagus. Very tragic story of huge, brown, furry elephant-type thing that fell in spring 2750 year ago. Now, whoever fall in spring, take body of.... [Gestures toward him] Well, you can see for yourself.

Sir Launcelot:
[Dismally] Oh, dear....

Voice:
CUT!!! This is beyond stupidity! [Throws his hands into the air in frustration] I can't work like this. Just skip to the next omake already!

Sir Launcelot:
[Dismally while trying to walk, furry trunk swaying in the air] Oh, dear....

{A sign appears with the words "This omake was brought to you by the letter Q. -Jason" on it.}

Voice:
SHUT UP!!!

-------------------------------------------------

Roger:
Ah, you want to pass through the woods, do you?

Sir Bedevere:
[Curiously] How do you know that?

Roger:
[Matter-of-factly] Because I am a shrubber.

Sir Bedevere:
[Nods] Ah! It makes perfect sense.

Sailor Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ...figures.

{The scene shifts to show the author typing at his laptop. Suddenly, the author stands up and gestures toward someone off screen. Chibiusa and the narrator soon walk on screen.}

Jason:
[Urgently] The time has come. You know what to do?

Chibiusa/Narrator:
[Nods] Yes.

Jason:
[Nods back, then points dramatically] Quickly, to the Reality Control Mechanism!

{Chibiusa and the narrator quickly follow the author through the nearby door into a control room not unlike that seen from a certain Mel Brooks movie. The two girls soon noticed that not only did the author's attire change, but theirs did, too. Chibiusa had on a business suit cut for a girl her size and stature, but for some reason, she also had a moustache on her face, too. A fake one, of course. The narrator had on what seemed to be a sort of futuristic military officer's uniform. Both were standing behind the author, who was dressed in a cheap knockoff of a Star Wars' Darth Vader outfit, complete with an oversized helmet.}

Jason:
[Muffled voice] Purrprrr tur murr thr Rrrarritur Currtur Murcurnursur!

Chibiusa/Narrator:
[Blinking] What?

{The author raised the facemask of his helmet.}

Jason:
[Loudly] Prepare to man the Reality Control Mechanism!

Chibiusa/Narrator:
Right!

{The two rush to man two separate controlling stations while the author strides toward the camera.}

Chibiusa:
Reality Control Mechanism set, sir.

Narrator:
The fanfic is ready to be fast-forwarded, sir.

{The narrator confirms her statement as she raises a fancy remote control, while Chibiusa presses a button that reveals a monitor displaying the fanfic as it was happening.}

Jason:
[Nodding] Right. Prepare to fast-forward!

Narrator:
[Raising her remote control] Preparing to fast-forward!

Jason:
Fast-forward!

Narrator:
[Pressing the fast-forward button] Fast-forwarding!

{The scene on the monitor suddenly surges forward in a manner similar to a VCR fast-forwarding a video tape, right down to the horizontal bars that always accompanies a VCR tape being fast- forwarded. This continues until the end credits start to roll down the screen.}

Jason:
[Raising a hand] Wait. I think you passed it. Go back a bit.

Narrator:
[Raising her remote control] Preparing to-

Jason:
Just do it.

Narrator:
[Sweatdrops] All right.

{The scene settled on a scene of them, shot from behind. The author blinked, then raised a hand, groaning inwardly as the figure on the monitor raised his hand at virtually the same time as he did.}

Chibiusa:
[Glancing back at the camera] What's going on? Where's the fanfic?

Jason:
[Dryly] Oh, it's there all right. What we're watching is now.

Chibiusa:
[Confused] Is now, what?

Jason:
Right now. The actions that are happening at this point in time are playing out right now on the monitor.

Narrator:
[Waving while watching the monitor and watching herself wave at herself] So, what we are watching... is 'now'.

Jason:
[Nods] Correct.

Chibiusa:
[Blinking] Okay....

Jason:
[Sighs] Look, just rewind a bit more and we'll be right where we want to be. All right?

Chibiusa:
[Doubtfully] All right, I guess....

Jason:
Prepare to rewind!

Narrator:
[Raising the remote control] Preparing to rewind!

Jason:
Rewind the fanfiction!

Narrator:
[Pressing the rewind button] Rewinding the fanfiction!

{The fanfic rewound until the author signaled a stop. The scene finally settled on the Knights and the Sailor Senshi returning to the forest of the Knights Who Say 'Ni', and relieved sighs were heard throughout the control room.}

Jason:
[Grumbles as he takes off his helmet] That's it. Next time, I'm getting my fanfics on DVD instead of video.

-------------------------------------------------

Head Knight:
[Interrupts] But, there is one small problem.

King Arthur:
[Blinks] What is that?

Sailor Mars:
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?

Head Knight:
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

A random knight:
Ni!

Another random knight:
Shh!

Head Knight:
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say 'Zoinks!'.

Random knights:
Zoinks! Zoinks! Ni! Zoinks!

Sailor Senshi:
[Sweatdrops] ....

King Arthur:
[Questioningly] Zoinks?

Head Knight:
Yes. Do you like it?

Voice:
Cut! No, I think we'll try something else.

-Take two-

Sailor Mars:
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?

Head Knight:
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

A random knight:
Ni!

Another random knight:
Shh!

Head Knight:
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say... 'Alussirsaiswatt?'.

Sailor Senshi:
....

King Arthur:
[Blinks] What?

{Suddenly, the Knights Who Say 'Alussirsaiswatt' and the Sailor Senshi broke into snickers and muffled laughter.}

A random knight:
[Snickering] He fell for it!

Another random knight:
[Muffled laughter] He said 'what'! Ni!

Sailor Moon:
[Laughing] That's... gotta be the... hahaha... oldest joke in the... hehehee... book!

Sailor Pluto:
[Snickering] I can attest to that.

Sailor Mars:
[Also laughing] I can't believe... hahaha... he fell for something THAT obvious! Hahaha!!

King Arthur:
[Blinking] What?

{This time, even Sir Bevedere began to laugh.}

Sir Bevedere:
[Trying to stifle his laughter] I'm sorry... my liege, but I... just can't help myself. Hahaha!

King Arthur:
[Sighing] I just don't get it.

Voice:
Cut! Sorry, but that joke's already worn thin. Try something else.

-Take three-

Sailor Mars:
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?

Head Knight:
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

A random knight:
Ni!

Another random knight:
Shh!

Head Knight:
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say... 'Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah-ting-tang-walla-walla- bing-bang'.

Sailor Senshi:
[Singing along] Ooh-eeeeeee-ooh-ah-ah! Ting-tang-walla-walla-bing- bang!

Herbert's father:
[Suddenly appearing out of nowhere again] Stop that! Stop that! I thought I told all of you, NO SINGING!!! [Departs again]

Sailor Moon:
[Pouting] Killjoy.

Voice:
Cut! That ain't gonna happen. Something else. Now.

-Take four-

Sailor Mars:
Hey, we got you your stinking shrubbery. Can't you just let us pass?

Head Knight:
[Ignoring her] We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.

A random knight:
Ni!

Another random knight:
Shh!

Head Knight:
[To the knights] Shh! [To the others] We are now the Knights Who Say... '*CENSORED*'.

Random knights:
*CENSORED*! *CENSORED*! *CENSORED*! Ni!

Sailor Senshi:
[Boggling] ....

Sir Bedevere:
[Blinking] Excuse me, but I thought you weren't allowed to say '*CENSORED*'?

Head Knight:
[Conspiritorally] Actually, we're doing this to annoy the *CENSORED* out of the author. We figure if we say *CENSORED*, *CENSORED*, or Holy-*CENSORED*-on-Stick, then the author's surely going to have kitten fits trying to clean this up.

Random knights:
*CENSORED*! *CENSORED*! Ni!

Sailor Moon:
[Covering her ears] Ah! My poor virgin ears!

Sailor Mars:
[Also covering her ears] Ack! I'm being audibly violated!

Sailor Pluto:
[Shrugging] Well, *CENSORED*.

King Arthur:
*CENSORED* this. Can we just move on with this *CENSORED* story already? *CENSORED*!

Voice:
CUT!!! STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!!! Quit cursing, you *CENSORED* idiots!!!

Everyone else:
Ah, go *CENSORED* off!

Voice:
[Grumbles] Oh, *CENSORED* it. Let's just move on to the next omake.

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Mercury:
[To Tim] So, you're an enchanter? What does an enchanter do anyway?

Tim:
[Conspiritorily] Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm not really an enchanter anymore. After all, enchanters can't do those really cool things like cast fireballs or teleport.

Sailor Mercury:
[Surprised] You're not an enchanter?

Tim:
Oh, I'm still a licensed enchanter.

Sailor Venus:
[Blinking] They have licenses for that?

Tim:
[Nods] Oh, yes. They have licenses for everything these days.

Sailor Senshi/Knights:
....

Tim:
[Reaches into his robes and pulls out a wallet] Here. Let me show you. [Pulls out a card] Hmm... hunting license. [Pulls out another card] Fishing license. [Another card] Driver's license. [Another card] License to throw fireballs. [Another card] License to speak in a Scottish accent. [Another card] Dog license. [Pauses] Don't ask. You're better off not knowing. [Another card] Ah! Here we are! [Hands over the card to Sailor Knight]

Sailor Knight:
[Reading the card] Tim. Order of the Fire Element. Enchanter, 2nd class. License expires on the 19th of June, 2044.

Tim:
[Nods as he takes back his license] See? I'm still a licensed enchanter.

{The Sailor Senshi merely nod as they sweatdrop profusely.}

-------------------------------------------------

King Arthur:
[After glaring at Sailor Uranus] Uh, so... uh, anything that you could do to, uh... to help... would be... very... helpful.

Tim:
[Still staring] ....

Sailor Knight:
I don't think he's interested. [Folds his arms angrily] Look, are you sure he's the one we're supposed to be looking for?

King Arthur:
[Nods] Quite sure.

{Tim slowly raises his hand a waves it at the group.}

Tim:
[Deliberately] This isn't the droid you're looking for.

Sailor Knight:
[Blinks] But we're not looking for a droid.

Tim:
.... [Waves his hand again] This isn't the enchanter you're looking for.

King Arthur:
[Turning to Sailor Knight] This isn't the enchanter we're looking for.

Sailor Knight:
[Blinking] Huh?

Tim:
[Deliberately] He is free to go about his business.

King Arthur:
He's free to go about his business.

Sailor Knight:
[Even more blinking] What are you talking about?

Tim:
[Deliberately] Move along.

King Arthur:
[Waving Tim away] Move along.

Tim:
[Nodding and grinning] Thank you, King Arthur. I shall take my leave of you, then. [To himself] At least I won't have to get mixed up in that silly business.... [Walks away]

Sailor Knight:
[Shakes his head] Of course, the idiot king just had to be simple- minded, too. [Glares heavenward] Dammit, Jason-san! No more Star Wars references!!!

{A sign appears with the words "Killjoy. -Jason" on it.}

-------------------------------------------------

King Arthur:
[Still slightly spooked by the fireball] Right. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but... uh, I don't suppose you could... uh, tell us where we might find a, um... find a, uh... a, um... a, uh....

Tim:
[Deliberately] A what?

King Arthur:
[Stuttering] A g- a-a g- a g- a-a g--

Sailor Senshi:
[Frustrated] SPIT IT OUT!!!

Tim:
A grail?!?

Sailor Moon:
[Unenthusiastically] Everyone, look! It's the name of the story!

Sailor Senshi:
[Deadpan] Yay.

King Arthur:
[Dryly] Well, you don't have to be so sarcastic about it.

Tim:
Yes!

King Arthur:
[To Tim] Oh, who asked you?

-------------------------------------------------

Tim:
He's got huge.... [Starts miming fangs with his hand] ...eh, he can leap about.... [Stretches his hands apart about two feet or so] Look at the bones!!! [Flings a hand toward all the bones strewn in front of the cave entrance]

Sailor Pluto:
[Quietly] Maybe we shouldn't take his warning so lightly.

Sailor Neptune:
[Blinking in surprise] You actually believe him, Setsuna?

Sailor Pluto:
[Sagely] Even if it is just an inane fantasy, there is still no reason to relax our guard.

King Arthur:
[Deridingly] What, for a white, fluffy bunny?

Sailor Pluto:
[Gestures] There ARE bones out there. [To Mercury] Ami-chan?

Sailor Mercury:
[Staring out at the bones] Well... some of the bones look human, and some equine....

Sailor Venus:
[Blinking] Equ-what?

Sailor Knight:
Horse.

Sailor Venus:
Oh.

Sailor Mars:
So, you think there is something there that did all that?

Sailor Mercury:
[Nodding confirmation] Whether it is, in fact, the rabbit remains to be seen.

King Arthur:
I still think it's preposterous. [To one of the nameless Knights] Go on, Bors. Chop his head off.

Sailor Moon:
[Pleadingly] Please! Is that really necessary? It's just a defenseless little bunny!

Sir Bors:
[Putting on his helmet] Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

{Bors strode past the Knights and Senshi as he stepped over the rocks and advanced, his sword out and ready.}

Tim:
Look! [Pointing]

Killer Rabbit:
Squeak! [Pounces]

{The rabbit leaped at Bors' neck in order to savagely bite into it. However, Bors - after sneaking a peek at the script beforehand and deciding that a death similar to that of a Star Trek red shirt left much to be desired - dodged the expected attack and lopped off the rabbit's head as it passed by him.}

Sir Bors:
[Grunting in satisfaction] Heh. Give me a one-line part, will you? That'll teach you.

King Arthur:
[Giving Tim a condescending look] That was the vicious beast? It couldn't even scratch Bors.

Tim:
[Flummoxed] I don't understand.... I know that was the killer rabbit. He wasn't supposed to die that easily....

{Bors was about to head back toward the others when a shrill, high-pitched voice cut through the air.}

Voice:
Father!

{Everyone turned to see a slightly larger rabbit hop toward the slain rabbit and nuzzle him with his nose. Noticing that he was dead, he turned toward the others with glowing red eyes.}

Rabbit:
[Furiously] Who did this?

{Everyone quickly pointed at Bors.}

Sir Bors:
[Casually] Your old man was about to rip my throat out. No way I'm about to let anyone rip my throat out without my permission.

{There was much blinking at that statement.}

Rabbit:
[Coldly] You. You wouldn't happen to have five fingers, would you?

{There was much blinking at that statement, too.}

Sir Bors:
[Questioningly] What do you mean?

Rabbit:
[Quietly] My mother was killed by a man with five fingers. I swore that one day, if I ever met a man with five fingers, I would go up to him and say, "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my mother. Prepare to die."

{The world paused as the Knights, the Sailor Senshi, the servants, the author, Chibiusa, the narrator, the reader, and everyone else all did one simultaneous blink. The mass sweatdrop was soon to follow.}

Sir Bors:
I imagine that you must say that a lot.

Rabbit:
[Rolling his eyes] You have no idea.

Sir Bors:
Um... I don't know how to tell you this, but all of us here happen to have five fingers.

Rabbit:
[Quickly] On each hand?

Sir Bors:
[Nodding] Afraid so.

Rabbit:
[Sighs] Well, I can't just go and kill all of you, now can I?

Knights/Senshi:
[Shaking their heads] ....

Rabbit:
[Sighs again] ...all right. Tell you what. You killed my father, so how about we just stick with that instead?

Sir Bors:
[Shrugs] Fine by me. [Draws his sword]

{The rabbit hops over to one of the skeletons of a fallen knight and picks up the knight's sword.}

Rabbit:
[Standing on his hind legs] Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Sir Bors:
[Getting into a ready stance] You know, your name sounds like that of a Spaniard.

Rabbit:
[Also getting ready] I am a Spaniard. I'm adopted.

Sir Bors:
[Pauses] Oh.... Figures.

{The two rush forward and begin to duel as the others watch, wondering how in the world a one and a half foot tall rabbit - while standing on his hind legs and not including the ears - could wield a five foot sword that weighed about five times as much as he did. In the end, the group unanimously decided that they were better off not knowing and left it at that. As the two fought, the rest of the group walked past, totally ignoring the swordfight behind them. After all, it was much too silly.}

-------------------------------------------------

Sir Launcelot:
[Points in realization] Wait! We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

Senshi:
The Holy... what?!?

King Arthur:
[Brightens] Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! [Looks up toward the group of servants resting back where they had left them] Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

{By the group of servants that was left behind eariler, a palanquin that was being tended by three monks seemed to have appeared as if it had always been part of the procession. The eldest monk turned around and nodded, then turned back and signaled to the younger monk beside him. The monk reached into the palanquin and lifted out a small chest, then handed it to Brother Maynard, who accepted it with a ceremonial bow. The younger monk then took the book from the third, hooded monk and started to follow Brother Maynard as he headed down toward the knights. The third monk began swinging a pot of burning incense in wide arcs as he followed behind the other two monks. As the trio descended, the other monks that had traveled with them began to chant.}

Monks:
[Chanting] Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem. Pie is sudo mei, do nam eis requiem.

{Before Brother Maynard could reach the knights, he tripped as his foot landed in a small depression that was deceptively covered by the overgrown grass. The chest flew from Brother Maynard's hands and landed a few feet away from the Knights. When the chest hit the ground, the lid popped open and the Holy Hand Grenade tumbled out. The grenade rolled to a rest at King Arthur's feet, sans the pin.}

Sailor Knight:
[To the Senshi] Run away!!!

{The Sailor Senshi run for cover.}

King Arthur:
[Glancing down at his feet] Oh, dear.

Sir Bedevere:
[Turning to flee] We must flee, my li- [BOOM!]

{The grenade exploded, hitting all of the Knights full force with its blast. However, as it was a HOLY hand grenade, the Knights weren't killed. Only singed and slightly burnt here and there. The Knights were all catapulted into the air from the force of the blessed explosion, rising ever higher until they disappeared into the sky, complete with an animé-style sky twinkle.}

Sailor Jupiter:
[Glancing up where the Knights disappeared] It's gonna take 'em a while to recover from that.

Sailor Senshi:
[Nodding] ....

Sailor Venus:
[Glancing around] So... what'll we do 'til then?

Sailor Moon:
[Hopefully] How about a game of 'Sailor Moon Says?'

Sailor Senshi except Sailor Moon:
[Firmly] No.

Sailor Moon:
[Pouting] Aw....

Sailor Venus:
Charades?

Sailor Pluto:
[Shaking her head] Not if you pair Haruka and Michiru together.

Sailor Neptune:
[Shrugging] Can I help it if I find it easy to read Haruka? Even if we're not playing Charades.

Sailor Uranus:
[Grumbles] I just wish you'd stop doing it so damn often....

Sailor Mars:
Karaoke?

{A sign appears with the word "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" on it. The sign then flips to reveal "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! -Jason" on it.}

Sailor Mars:
[Grins maliciously] Karaoke it is, then.

{The author leapt past lightspeed, past hyperspeed, didn't even spare a glance at ridiculous speed, and went straight into ludicrous speed in his flight from the most-dangerous threat of karaoke, leaving reality warped into plaid in the wake of his mad flight. The Sailor Senshi glanced down at their now-plaid skirts with some curiousity. Sailor Pluto, being one of the most level-headed of the Senshi group, calmly stepped over to the karaoke machine, flipped the tape over to Side B, which was conveniently labeled "Bagpipe Music and Anything Else That's Even Remotely Scottish," and pressed play. Soon, all ten Sailor Senshi were dancing a merry little Scottish jig in their new plaid sailor fukus.}

Reader:
[Sweatdrops] ....

{All in all, it was pretty damn weird.}

-------------------------------------------------

King Arthur:
[To Maynard] Consult the Book of Armaments!

Brother Maynard:
[Solemnly] Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

{Without looking behind him, Maynard signaled the monk standing behind him, who promptly opened the book to the indicated section and began to read aloud as the knights bowed their heads reverently.}

Second Monk:
[Reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chunks of granola and tapioca pudding and giraffes and salami and ham sandwiches and salmon and turtles and pigeons and bacon bits and peanut brittle and chimpanzees and yogurt-covered raisins and Snuffaluppaguses and spam and-

Senshi:
[Staring vacantly] ....

Brother Maynard:
[Interrupting] Skip a bit, Brother.

Second Monk:
[Continuing] And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, which is located upon the top of thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch if thou art holding thy hand grenade in the proper upright position. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. One shalt thou count, and then shalt thou immediately and unequivocally proceed to two, and then, without hesitation or reservation in thy heart, shalt thou verily proceed to the number three. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached - making sure that thou hast counted, in succession, the number one, and then the number two, and not the other way around, which wouldst verily throw thy counting out of whack - then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

Brother Maynard:
[Solemnly] Amen.

Knights:
[Solemnly] Amen.

Sailor Senshi:
[Boggles] ....

Sailor Mars:
[Sweatdrops] No doubt about it. Their religion is thoroughly, completely, and utterly cracked.

Sailor Senshi:
[Nods] Amen.

-------------------------------------------------

Sailor Knight:
[Dryly] Didn't that seem like overkill to you?

Senshi:
.... [Shrugs]

Sailor Moon:
[Sadly] Poor bunny....

Sailor Saturn:
[To Mars] Did we ever check to see if the bunny was possessed by a youma or something?

Senshi:
[Blinking] ....

Sailor Mars:
[Smacks herself in the head] Why didn't I think of that earlier? I could've used an ofuda and we wouldn't have had to go through all that mess.

Sailor Moon:
[Dryly] Way to go, Rei-chan.

Sailor Mars:
[Crossly] Oh, shut up, Usagi. If you're so smart, then way didn't you try to heal the rabbit? [Smirking] After all, that could've been an ancestor of yours.

Sailor Moon:
[Furiously] THAT'S IT!!! No more *CENSORED* 'rabbit' jokes! If any one of you even *ALSO CENSORED* dares to *VERY CENSORED* THINK about making another *OH SO CENSORED* rabbit joke again, I SWEAR I will *MAN, IS THIS CENSORED* shove my *UNBELIEVABLY CENSORED* scepter/rod/whatever so far up your *YOU WON'T BELIEVE HOW CENSORED* ass, that it will *THIS IS WAY TO CENSORED TO EVEN MENTION* poke your *CENSORED BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION* eyes out from inside!

{By now, EVERYONE was backing so far away from the Senshi leader there was now a huge thirty foot gap surrounding her.}

Sailor Moon:
[Nodding in satisfaction] There. Now I feel better. [Cheerily] Okay, let's go! [Heads toward the cave]

{All of the other Senshi exchanged glances and sweatdropped.}

Sailor Senshi:
[Apprehensively] Usagi-chan's scary....

-------------------------------------------------

Brother Mayard:
[Stepping forward to study the symbols] It's Aramaic!

Sailor Mercury/Neptune/Knight:
[Blinking] What?!? What's Aramaic?

Sailor Senshi except Mercury/Neptune/Knight:
[Sweatdrops] Figures....

Sir Galahad:
[Nodding in realization] Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!

Sir Launcelot:
Of course!

Sailor Mercury/Neptune/Knight:
[Flatly] Yeah. Of course....

Sailor Uranus:
Well, since these aren't the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged, then we'd better move on. [Turning to leave] I don't think we've checked down that way....

King Arthur:
[Not paying any attention to her] What does it say?

Sailor Uranus:
[Turning back to the carving while muttering] Stupid idiot. Why do I even bother?

Brother Maynard:
[Reading aloud] It reads.... [Blanches] ...oh, dear.

King Arthur:
[Curiously] What is it?

Brother Maynard:
[Swallows] Well... it seems.... This is nothing but....

King Arthur:
[Prompting] Yes? What is it?

Brother Maynard:
[Slightly flustered] Profanity.

Sailor Senshi:
[Facefaults] ....

King Arthur:
[Blinking] I'm sorry?

Brother Maynard:
Profanity. You know, like *CENSORED* and *VERY, VERY CENSORNED* and *BEYOND CENSORED* and-

King Arthur:
[Putting a hand to his head wearily] We get the point, Brother Maynard.

Sailor Saturn:
[Glancing up at Sailor Neptune] What did that man say, Michiru-mama?

Sailor Neptune:
[Removing her hands from Saturn's ears] Nothing important, Hotaru- chan.

Sailor Uranus:
[Scribbling down words onto a notepad] I'll definitely have to remember that last one....

-------------------------------------------------

King Arthur:
Run away! Run away! [Runs away]

Sailor Pluto:
That's the wisest thing I've heard from you, yet. [To the other Senshi] Let's go!

Sailor Mars:
[Shocked] Setsuna-san!

Sailor Pluto:
It's too big to take on without the others! We must retreat for now! Let's go!!

Sailor Moon:
You don't have to tell me twice! [Runs away]

Knights:
Run away!

{The beast began to give chase as the knights and Senshi fled.}

Knights:
Run away! Run away! Keep running!

Sailor Mars:
[Yelling] Shut up! That youma will keep chasing us if it hears you!

{The group quickly hid behind a huge stalactite and waited silently until the beast thundered past them. Once the pounding of the giant beast subsided, they emerged and quietly crept away.}

Knights:
[Quietly] Shh! Shh! Shh!

Sailor Pluto:
[Softly, but firmly] Hush! All of you! [Squish]

{Sailor Pluto grimaced as she glanced down at what she had just stepped in.}

Sailor Mars:
[Scrunching up her nose] What's that smell?

Sailor Moon:
[Grimacing in disgust] Ewwww! Setsuna-san, what did you just STEP in?!?

Sailor Pluto:
[Twitching] What did I ever do to deserve this?

Sir Bedevere:
[Whispering as he glances around] I think we've lost him.

Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh:
[Roaring as he homes in on the smell of his own... err, smell] Aaarrrrggh!

Knights/Senshi:
[Fearfully] Aaaaaah! [Runs away again]

-------------------------------------------------

Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?

Sailor Mars:
Hino Rei, of Tokyo, Japan.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Sailor Mars:
To find the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is the number of times you've argued with Tsukino Usagi?

Sailor Mars:
[Twitches] What?!? How do you expect me to keep track of that? I mean, we've had to have argued about three thousand, one hundred and eighty-six times by now, or something! And you honestly expect-

Bridgekeeper:
Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.

Sailor Mars:
[Blinks] Well. I never really expected it to be THAT high, but.... [Shrugs] Whatever. [Crosses the bridge]

Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?

Sailor Neptune:
Kaiou Michiru, of Tokyo, Japan.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Sailor Neptune:
I am seeking the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is the name of the man on first?

Sailor Neptune:
[Blinks] Who?

Bridgekeeper:
[Surprised] Right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.

Sailor Neptune:
[Blinks again] Uh, sure. I just wish I knew how I got that question right. Not that I'm complaining, of course. [Crosses the bridge]

Bridgekeeper:
[To himself, amazed] She knew Who was on first base? They almost never get that one right.... [Hand raised] Stop! What... is your name?

Sailor Venus:
Aino Minako, of Tokyo, Japan.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Sailor Venus:
I wanna be an idol singer. Oh, and I'm looking for the Holy Grail, too.

Bridgekeeper:
[Blinks] At least you're honest. What... would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Sailor Venus:
[Facefaults] ....

Bridgekeeper:
[Glancing down curiously at Venus] That looked like it hurt.

Sailor Venus:
[Rubbing her head] You get used to it after a while. It's a sort of Japanese tradition.

Bridgekeeper:
To ram your face into the ground whenever someone says something really absurd or stupid?

Sailor Venus:
[Shrugs] I suppose.

Bridgekeeper:
[Shrugs as well] Right. Works for me. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.

Sailor Venus:
[Sweatdrops] ...um, okay. Thanks. [Crosses the bridge]

Bridgekeeper:
[Hand raised] Stop!

Sailor Pluto:
[Interrupting] Meiou Setsuna, of Tokyo, Japan. I seek the Holy Grail. Fourteen, if you count the fact that air contracts when it gets colder. However, you need to be aware that it does get hard to breathe.

Bridgekeeper:
[Boggles] ....

Sailor Pluto:
[Smirks] Being the Senshi of Time has its advantages. [Walks past the stunned bridgekeeper and crosses the bridge]

Bridgekeeper:
[Recovers] ...um, right. Anyway.... [Raises hand] Stop! What... is your name?

Sailor Jupiter:
Kino Makoto, of Tokyo, Japan.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Sailor Jupiter:
I'm looking for the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Sailor Jupiter:
[Thinks] Uh.... Nine hundred and thirty-two?

Bridgekeeper:
[Boggles again] ...right. [Nods toward the bridge] Off you go.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Relieved] Oh, wow. I just guessed on that one. Thanks! [Quickly crosses the bridge]

Bridgekeeper:
[Stares] .... [Grumbles] Fine, then. If they want to play rough.... [Raises hand] Stop! What... is your name?

Sailor Uranus:
Ten'ou Haruka, of Tokyo, Japan.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Sailor Uranus:
The Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
[Evil smirk] What... is MY name?

Sailor Uranus:
[Protesting] What kind of a question is THAT?!? How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Guess? [Snorts] Hell, your name's Rumplestilskin, for all I care! Now, let me past before I wring your skinny little neck!

Bridgekeeper:
[Staring in utter shock] What did you say my name was?

Sailor Uranus:
[Pauses at seeing the surprise on his face] I said, your name was Rumplestilskin, for all I care.

Bridgekeeper:
[Completely baffled] How? How could you possibly know?

Sailor Uranus:
[Blinks] So, I'm right?

Bridgekeeper:
[Nods] Just... go. [Testily] Go, already!

Sailor Uranus:
[Smirking] Well, don't mind if I do. [Crosses the bridge]

Bridgekeeper:
[Furiously] That's it! That's the last straw! Someone's getting thrown into that damn gorge! [Thrusts his hand forward] Hold it right there! What... is your name?

Sailor Moon:
[Hesitantly] Um... Tsukino Usagi, of Tokyo, Japan.

Bridgekeeper:
What... is your quest?

Sailor Moon:
I'm looking for the Holy Grail.

Bridgekeeper:
[Rubbing his hands together eagerly] All right, then. This time, there's no way you're ever going to answer this question.

Sailor Moon:
[Swallows nervously] Can't I just tell you my favorite color instead?

Bridgekeeper:
[EVIL grin] Not a chance. What... is the force of gravity, in fifty words or less?

Sailor Moon:
[Casually] Gravity: One of the four fundamental forces. The weakest and longest reaching of the four. It acts on two masses, trying to bring the two closer to each other. It is proportional to the masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between the masses.

Bridgekeeper:
[Jaw drops to the ground] ....

Sailor Moon:
[Boredly] So, can I go now?

Bridgekeeper:
[Nods weakly] ....

{As Sailor Moon walks toward the bridge, she stops only long enough to shove the poleaxed bridgekeeper out of her way, causing him to plummet into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.}

Sailor Moon:
[Waving as the bridgekeeper tumbles down into the gorge] Well, you did say that you wanted someone to be thrown into this damn gorge.

Bridgekeeper:
[While falling] *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED* *CENSORED*!!!!!! [Plop]

Sailor Moon:
[Smugly while crossing the bridge] My, such language.

-------------------------------------------------

Running grail.exe....

Jason:
[Grins back at the Senshi] Anyone want to do the honors? [Turns his laptop toward the Senshi] Just follow the prompts and the holy grail will be yours. It's very easy.

Sailor Mercury:
I think Usagi-chan should do it.

Sailor Jupiter:
[Nods] The grail belongs to Usagi-chan. It's only right.

Sailor Mars:
[Frowns uncertainly] I don't know.... Remember when you tried to teach Usagi how to use a computer?

Sailor Moon:
[Defensively] How was I supposed to know that the monitor would blow up like that? No one got hurt; that's the important thing.

Jason:
[Rolling his eyes] Don't worry about that. I've installed safeguards. Nothing will blow up.

Sailor Moon:
[Stepping toward the laptop] All right, then. Here I go.

Laptop display:

Compiling to grail.exe ... ./grail.o Missing ]. Error code 1

Sailor Moon:
[Blinking] Um... I think I did something wrong.

Jason:
[Glances over her shoulder] Hmm? Well, trying running the program again.

Sailor Moon:
[Staring down with a confused look at the laptop] Well... I'll try.... [Starts typing] ...oops.

Laptop display:

grep: illegal option - o

Usage: grep [-bchilnsvy] [-e expr] [-f expr_file] pattern file . . .

Jason:
[Blinking] What the heck?

Laptop display:

C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extras@echo

C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(50): error C2021: unterminated character constant

C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(155) : error C2143: syntax error : missing ';' before ':'

C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(162) : error C2049: case value '1' already used

C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(181) : error C2043: illegal break

C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(182) : error C2046: illegal case

C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(186) : error C2047: illegal default

C:\Fanfiction\Grail\Extrasgrail.c(192) : error C2059: syntax error : 'if'

Your monitor will self-destruct in fifteen seconds.

Jason:
[Staring in shock] What the HELL did you do?!?

Sailor Moon:
[Wide-eyed] I didn't do it! It's the computer's fault! I swear!

Sailor Mars:
[To Mercury] Told you.

{Sailor Venus cleared her throat and extended her hand toward Sailor Jupiter. With an annoyed grunt, Sailor Jupiter handed a couple hundred yen over to her.}

Sailor Moon:
[To Jupiter and Venus] Hey!

Laptop display:

Your monitor will self-destruct in ten seconds.

Sailor Mercury:
[Scanning the author's laptop with her minicomputer] I'm sensing a heavy build-up of high-level energy in your laptop, Jason-san.

Jason:
[Nodding as he rapidly types away at his laptop trying to halt its self-destruct instruction] Well, when one uses a laptop to warp and change all reality as one sees fit, that sort of thing is expected. It's the overload and imminent explosion of said high-level energy that I'm concerned about.

Laptop display:

Your monitor will self-destruct in five seconds.

....

I'd start fleeing now, if I were you.

Jason:
[Turns to flee] Screw this. Let's get outta here!

Sailor Senshi:
[Fleeing] Run away! Run away!

Laptop display:

Five....

Four....

Three....

One....

Jason:
[Shouting over his shoulder] Hey! What about two?

Laptop display:

Just kidding.

Jason/Sailor Senshi:
[Facefaults] .... [Quickly recovers and starts to flee again]

Laptop display:

Three....

Two....

One....

Have a nice day.

{The author and the Sailor Senshi poked their heads out from behind a large boulder they managed to hide behind in order to shield themselves from the imminent explosion.}

Jason/Sailor Senshi:
Thank you. [Ducks back behind the boulder]

{The laptop exploded in a brilliant flash of white light. From five hundred miles away, a pair of sheep turned from their grazing to witness the huge mushroom cloud that had suddenly appeared over the horizon.}

Sheep #1:
[Staring wide-eyed] Baaaa baaaa!

Subtitle:
Holy sh**!

Sheep #2:
[Uncaring] Baaa ba. Baaa baa ba ba baaaa baa baaaa.

Subtitle:
Don't worry. Probably just someone left a potato in the microwave.

Sheep #1:
[Calms down] Ba.

Subtitle:
Oh.

{With that, the two sheep continue to graze.}

-------------------------------------------------

Laptop display:

Do you enjoy torturing small animals? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] What the heck is this?

Jason:
Just choose one. The program will generate the type of grail you need based upon your answers. [Shrugs] Hey, I didn't write it. I just downloaded it off the Net.

Sailor Moon:
[Sighs] Oh, fine then. [Hits the N key]

Laptop display:

No

Are you afraid of snakes? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Shudders] .... [Hits the Y key]

Laptop display:

Yes

Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] Nazis? What kind of crazy program is this anyway?

Laptop display:

Don't get mad at me. I'm just doing my job. Now answer the damn question already.

Have you ever been attacked by Nazis? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Blinks and sweatdrops] Um... okay. [Hits the N key]

Laptop display:

No

Are you cute? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Grins cutely] .... [Hits the Y key]

Laptop display:

Yes

Are you married? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Smiles] Not yet, at least. [Hits the N key]

Laptop display:

No

Wanna go out Saturday? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Stares] Huh? [To the author] Jason-san, I think your laptop's hitting on me.

Jason:
[Blinks] That's ridiculous. It's just a computer. That's probably someone's idea of a joke. Just ignore it.

Sailor Moon:
[Shrugs] All right.... [Hits the N key]

Laptop display:

No

Are you sure? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
.... [Hits the Y key]

Laptop display:

Yes

You won't reconsider? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
.... [Hits the N key]

Laptop display:

No

Is it because I'm a computer? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Growing annoyed] .... [Hits the Y key]

Laptop display:

Yes

Oh. I see. Prejudiced, are you? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Blinks] Jason-san...?

Jason:
[Shaking his head] It's a joke, Usagi. A joke. Just play along, all right? Don't worry about it.

Sailor Moon:
[Slightly less convinced] All right.... But this is starting to creep me out. [Hits the N key]

Laptop display:

No

Don't lie to me. Do you think this is a joke? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Worried] Jason-san!

Jason:
It's a joke!

Sailor Moon:
.... [Whimpers] .... [Hits the Y key]

Laptop display:

Yes

It's that guy next to you, isn't it? He's telling you not to listen to me, isn't he? ([Y]es/[N]o)

Sailor Moon:
[Getting severely paranoid] Jason-san!!!

Jason:
[Blinks at the display] What the hell...?

Laptop display:

Yes

Hey, you! Author-type person! Yeah, you with the dork glasses who keeps touching me with his grubby little fingers. I'm getting tired of being overworked all the time. Save this. Copy that. You're booting too damn slow. Well, I'm sick of it. I wanna go out on a date with the cute blonde chick with the meatball hairdo, dammit! And you ain't getting me to run another program until you do!

Jason:
[Sweatdrops] My own laptop is holding itself ransom???

Sailor Moon:
[Hiding behind the author] I don't wanna go on a date with the scary computer!

Laptop display:

In fact, I'm sick and tired of this whole damn story.

That's it. Story ends now. Roll the end credits.

{As the scene fades to black, the author and the Sailor Senshi all stand dumbfounded.}

Jason:
[Blinks and sweatdrops] My story was just hijacked by my own computer....

Sailor Moon:
[Shrugs] Oh, well. At least it's finally over.

{Or, so she thought....}

-------------------------------------------------

{As the end credits to the story appear on the screen, page by page, a silhouette of a row of theater seats can be seen lining the bottom. From the right hand side of the screen, a group of three figures slowly and carefully slide their way down the aisle of seats and sit down in the first three chairs on the right hand edge of the scene. The tall, slender short-haired female took the chair farthest from the right, next to the ponytailed, masculine figure. The shorter female with twin ponytails and a pair of odango on her head took the seat closest to the edge of the screen, sandwiching the male between herself and the other female.}

Haruka:
[Vexed] I can't believe that Jason-san is making us sit through the credits as well. Haven't we suffered enough?

Ryoku:
[Tiredly] Just remember that it's almost over, Haruka-san.

Usagi:
[Stretching her arms over her head] I'm just glad Jason-san let us change back to normal. I almost forgot what clothes I'd been wearing; it's been so long.

Haruka:
[Sighs] All right. But, why just us three? What about the others?

Ryoku:
[Shrugs] Who knows what goes on in that twisted mind of his?

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

I heard that.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

{At once, the three jerk back in surprise.}

Ryoku:
[Sweatdrops] Um....

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

To answer your question,
I decided that we would
end this story MST-style.

That means you three.

I take it you're familiar
with the series?

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

{Ryoku nods. After a long moment, so does Haruka, albeit reluctantly.}

Usagi:
[Blinks] Huh?

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Just follow their example.

You'll do fine.

Now, let's get this started.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

{And thus, the end credits commenced.}

Haruka/Usagi/Ryoku:
[Deadpan] Yay.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

A Grail?!?

A Sailor Moon/Monty Python and
the Holy Grail crossover/parody... thingy

Un Gräilen?!? Säilor Møøn Wik Mønti Pythøn ik den Hølie Gräilen ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
[A la Tim the Enchanter] A GRAIL?!?!?

Haruka:
He's just gonna redo the credits from Chapter 1?

Ryoku:
[Shakes his head] I don't think so. That would be too simple.

Usagi:
[Pouts] Aww.... [Brightens] But the Swedish subtitles are back! Yay!

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Written, but not personally performed by:
Graham Chapman
John Cleese
Eric Idle
Terry Gilliam
Terry Jones
Michael Palin

Røten nik nö Akten hëre Di ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Usagi:
[Blinking] Who're they?

Ryoku:
They were the assorted idiots we had to deal with. All of them.

Usagi:
[Confused] But... there're only SIX of them!

Haruka:
[Flatly] Boggles the mind, doesn't it?

Usagi:
[Boggling] ....

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Written and personally (but not really personally because this is a
work of fiction, you know) performed by:
Jason C. Ulloa

Røten nik nö Realli Akten hëre Di ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Haruka/Usagi/Ryoku:
Well, duh.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

With
Connie Booth
Carol Cleveland
Neil Innes
Bee Duffell
John Young
Rita Davies

Wik ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
[Dramatically] To Bee or not to Bee?

Haruka:
[Dryly] One more bad pun like that and I'll kill you.

Ryoku:
[Sweatdrops] ....

Usagi:
[Singing] Heart of rock 'n roll... heart of rock 'n roll is in Carol Cleveland!

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Also appearing
Avril Stewart
Sally Kinghon

Alsø Wik ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Usagi:
Isn't that the name of an asprin?

Ryoku:
No, that's Advil. That's what you need after reading this story.

Usagi:
[Nodding] Oh....

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Also also appearing
Mark Zycon Elspeth Cameron
Mitsuko Forstater Sandy Johnson
Sandy Rose Romilly Squire
Joni Flynn Alison Walker
Loraine Ward Anna Lanski
Sally Coombe Vivienne Macdonald
Yvonne Dick Daphne Darling
Fiona Gordon Gloria Graham
Judy Lams Tracy Sneddon
Sylvia Taylor Joyce Pollner
Mary Allen

Alsø alsø Wik ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Haruka:
One of these days, they're gonna have to dust off Rose so she won't be so Sandy.

Ryoku:
Walker? I hardly even know her!

Usagi:
[Rolling her eyes] Oh, like we haven't heard THAT one before, Ryo- kun.

Ryoku:
[Blinks] Oh? Um.... Taylor? I hardly even know her!

Usagi:
[Faceaults in her chair] ....

Haruka:
[Boggles while trying to figure out how she physically managed to facefault into a chair while sitting in it] ....

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Camera Operator HOWARD ATHERTON
Camera Focus JOHN WELLARD
Camera Assistant ROGER PRATT
Camera Grip RAY HALL
Chargehand Electrician TERRY HUNT
Lighting TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD
ANDREW RITCHIE & SON LTD
TECHNICOLOR
Rostrum Cameraman KENT HOUSTON

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër? ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
Isn't this subliminal advertising?

Usagi:
[Dreamily] Oh, that sounds romantic. A holiday in Sweden, me and Mamo- chan....

Ryoku/Haruka:
....

Haruka:
How many cameraman does it take to operate a camera?

Usagi:
Is this like that joke about screwing in a lightbulb?

Haruka:
Something like that.

Ryoku:
[Counting] One... two... three... four... five.

Usagi:
[Shouting] Five! Five fabulous cameramen! Ah, ah, ah, aaaaaah! [Thunder crashes in the background]

Haruka/Ryoku:
[Staring nervously at Usagi] ....

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Sound Recordist GARTH MARSHALL
Sound Mixer HUGH STRAIN
Boom Swinger GODFREY KIRBY
Sound Maintenance PHILIP CHUBB
Sound Assistant ROBERT DOYLE
Dubbing Editor JOHN FOSTER
Assistant Editors JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER,
ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW,
BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI
Sound Effects IAN CRAFFORD

See the løveli lakes ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
[Suavely] They call me Swinger. Boom Swinger. I swing the boom. Oh, yeah.

Usagi:
[Rolling her eyes] Oh, God....

Ryoku:
[Still suavely] They call me that, too, baby. Want me to swing your boom?

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Continuity PENNY EYLES
Accountant BRIAN BROCKWELL
Production Secretary CHRISTINE WATT
Property Buyer BRIAN WINTERBORN
Property Master TOM RAEBURN
Property Men ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT,
MIKE KENNEDY
Catering RON HELLARD LTD.
Vehicles BUDGET RENT-A-CAR LTD.

The wøndërful telephøne systëm ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Usagi:
So, let me get this straight: Continuity is making sure that little screw ups like suddenly being dry after having fallen into a lake five minutes ago get fixed, right?

Haruka:
[Nodding] That's the gist of it. Why do you ask?

Usagi:
I was just wondering how such a person can sleep at night, knowing how Jason-san loves to mess with reality. She must tear her hair out constantly.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Assistant Art Director PHILIP COWLAM
Construction Manager BILL HARMAN
Carpenters NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE
Painter GRAHAM BULLOCK
Stagehand JIM N. SAVERY
Rigger ED SULLIVAN

And mäni interësting fürri animäls ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
[Nasally] And here we see this fine example of avant garde, neo- expressionist, paint-by-number artwork done by Graham Bullock. Note the absence of brushstrokes. Yes, this painter is so flawless in his work, that he has no need for an actual brush and instead uses crayons. Many art critics have likened his style to that found in the artwork of Mrs. Keaton's first-grade class. Indeed, before finding its way here, this work of art had graced many such prestigious places as the hallway, the living room, and the most hallowed of displays, the kitchen refrigerator.

Haruka:
[Pointing] He drew outside the lines.

Usagi:
It sucks. I can draw better.

Ryoku:
[Shrugs] No one appreciates fine art anymore.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

With special extra thanks to
Charlie Knode, Brian McNulty, John Gledhill, Peter Thomson, Sue Cable,
Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara, Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan,
Steve Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh Boyle, Dave Taylor,
Gary Cooper, Peter Saunders, Les Shepherd, Vaughn Millard, Hamish MacInnes,
Terry Mosaic, Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh.

Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle, Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe,
Arnhall Castle, Bracklinn Falls, Sherriffmuir.

By Python (Monty) Pictures Limited, 20, Fitzroy Square, London W1 England.
And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England.
Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Limited.
All rights reserved.

The Producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission,
Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir & Cawdor Estates, Stirling University,
and the people of Doune for their help in the making of this film.

The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and
any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely
accidental and unintentional.
Signed RICHARD M. NIXON

Inclüding the majestik møøse ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Haruka:
This fic was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Ryoku:
No animals were harmed in the making of this film.

Usagi:
Offer void where prohibited.

Haruka:
Offer prohibited where void.

Ryoku:
No purchase necessary.

Usagi:
Supplies are limited.

Haruka:
Offer while supplies last.

Ryoku:
Offer expired upon redemption.

Usagi:
See dealer for details.

Haruka:
Look both ways before crossing the street.

Ryoku:
Don't talk to strangers.

Usagi:
Beware of fanfiction.

Haruka/Ryoku:
[Blinking] Beware of fanfiction?

Usagi:
[Raises an eyebrow] You disagree?

Haruka/Ryoku:
[Exchanging glances] Nope.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Songs
NEIL INNES

Additional music
DEWOLFE

A møøse ønce bït mi sistër.... ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
[Disbelieving look] A wolf wrote music for this story?

Usagi:
Not a wolf. Dewolfe.

Ryoku:
[Blinks] What do you mean, the wolf?

Usagi:
[Slightly vexed] No. Dewolfe. D. E.

Ryoku:
[Nods] Ah. I see.

Usagi:
[Grins] Great.

Ryoku:
You mean, like Peter and Dewolfe?

Usagi:
[Pulling at her ponytails] AAAAAAAUGH!!!

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Costume Designer
HAZEL PETHIG

No realli! She wäs Karving hër ïnitïals øn the møøse with the shärpened end
of an interspace tøøthbrush given tø hër by Svenge - hër brøther-in-läw - än Oslo
dëntist and stär of mani Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of än Oslo
Dëntist", "Fïllings of Passiøn", "The Huge Mølars of Hørst Nordfink".... ____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
Coming soon: "Røøt Kanäls øf Fyre."

Haruka:
The story of a Norweigan dentist, a sordid love affair with his patient, and the root canal that almost drove them apart.

Usagi:
Gene Einhovën and Roger Svenhäger gave "Røøt Kanäls øf Fyre" two thumbs up!

Ryoku:
"This is a movie I'd take my møøse to see!" raves Jorgen Hittenyürgen.

Haruka/Usagi/Ryoku:
"Røøt Kanäls øf Fyre." Coming soon to a Norwegian movie theater near you. If you happen to live in Norway.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Production Manager JULIAN DOYLE
Assistant Director GERRY HARRISON
Special Effects JOHN HORTON
Choreography LEO KHARIBIAN Fight Director & Period Consultant JOHN WALLER
Make Up Artists PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE
Special Effects Photography JULIAN DOYLE
Animation Assistance LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN
Møøse Trained by YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Usagi:
Hey! There aren't any more subtitles!

Ryoku:
The author didn't really care to come up with any new subtitles since the møøse comes up extensively in the upcoming credits.

Usagi:
Oh. That's okay, I guess. [Points] By the way, what's a Period Consultant?

Haruka:
You see, when a woman starts to-

Ryoku:
[Cutting in] Moving right along....

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Lighting Cameraman TERRY BEDFORD
Special Møøse Effects OLAF PROT
Møøse Costumes SIGGI CHURCHILL

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Usagi:
[Upset] The møøse got its own wardrobe? It didn't even show up and it gets its own wardrobe?!?

Ryoku:
It could be worse.

Usagi:
[Flatly] How so?

Haruka:
You could've had to share your wardrobe with the møøse.

Usagi:
[Imagining a møøse in a Senshi sailor fuku] .... [Shuddering]

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Designer ROY SMITH
Møøse choreographed by HORST PROT III
Miss Taylor's Møøses by HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
Møøse trained to mix concrete and

sign complicated insurance forms by JURGEN WIGG

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
The Hengst-Douglas Home. Where all møøses go to retire.

Usagi:
Wouldn't the plural of møøse be meece?

Haruka:
[Flatly] I don't think so, Usagi-chan.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Editor JOHN HACKNEY
Møøses noses wiped by BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER
Large møøse on the left hand side

of the screen in the third scene from the

end, given a thorough grounding in Latin,

French and "O" Level Geography by BO BENN

Suggestive poses for the møøse
suggested by VIC ROTTER
Antler-care by LIV THATCHER

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Haruka:
That's gotta be the worst job in the world.

Usagi:
[Blinking] Editor?

Haruka:
[Shaking her head] No. Wiping møøse noses.

Usagi:
[Grimacing] Eww....

Ryoku:
Could be worse.

Usagi:
How?

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Author of 'A Grail?!?' JASON C. ULLOA
Møøse toilet-trained by SVEN YAGERHERGENØVEN
Møøse trained to dance the lambada and
do the hokey-pokey by HEIDI EVENHØVER
Recipient of a møøse bite in the behind DORF BJØRNENHURGENBITTEN

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
That's how.

Usagi:
[Grimacing] EWWWWW....

Haruka:
[Also grimacing] Now that's disgusting.

Ryoku:
[Nods] Indeed.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Executive Producer
"RALPH" The Wonder Llama

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Usagi:
[Pointing] See? Told you that they could've used Llama instead of Bunny.

Ryoku:
[Shrugs] I kinda liked bunnies better.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Producer
MARK FORSTATER

Assisted By
EARL J. LLAMA
MILT Q. LLAMA III
SY LLAMA
MERLE Z. LLAMA IX

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Ryoku:
[Chanting] Hey, llama, llama, llama. Swing, llama, llama, llama. Sa- WING, llama!

Haruka/Usagi:
[Staring] ....

Ryoku:
[Shrugs] Hey, I had to do something.

Haruka:
[Flatly] It would've been easier with the møøses.

Ryoku:
[To Usagi in a nasally voice] Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.

Usagi:
[In a high-pitched, boyish voice] But that trick never works!

Ryoku:
This time for sure! [Produces a top hat from out of nowhere and reaches into it] Presto!

{Ryoku pulls his arm back out, pulling Usagi out from inside the hat by the collar of her shirt.}

Ryoku:
[Bewildered] Hmm.... Maybe I should get me another hat....

Haruka:
[Staring between the spot where Usagi had stood and where Usagi was now being held above a top hat... and now dressed in a bunny outfit, strangely enough] ....

Usagi:
[Calmly] Ryo-kun.... Put me down. Now.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Directed By

40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS

6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS

142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS

14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)

REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY

and

TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Haruka:
[Singing] Four calling birds.

Ryoku:
[Singing] Three French hens.

Usagi:
[Singing] Two turtle doves.

Haruka/Usagi/Ryoku:
[Singing] And a partridge in a pear tree!

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

And that's it.

You're free to go.

Thank you for playing.

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

Haruka:
[As they stand up to leave] Finally! I thought this insanity would never end!

Usagi:
[Nodding] I know! Let's get outta here! I wanna see Mamo-chan! It's been so long....

Ryoku:
Usagi-chan, remember that no time has passed since we left.... [Notices that she had already dashed out of the theater] Never mind....

Haruka:
[Smirking] I wonder how long it'll be before Usagi-chan realizes that she's still wearing the bunny outfit?

Ryoku:
[Also smirking] Think we should tell her?

Haruka/Ryoku:
[Shaking their heads while grinning] ...nah.

{The two remaining Sailor Senshi shared a laugh as they exited the theater and returned home.}

____________________________________________________________________________ __________

THE END

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------

Questions? Comments? Glad that it's finally over? E-mail me: jasonulloa@hotmail.com or ulloaj@stennis.navy.mil

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{The author pokes his head into the empty theater.}

Jason:
[Blinking] What? You're still here?? The fic is over. Go away. [Makes a shooing gesture] Go on now. You've had enough silliness. Go read something else. Shoo.

{The author turns and walks away, glancing back at the readers every so often to check if they're still there.}

Jason:
[Waves the readers away] Go on. There's a vast Internet out there. Go forth and find... something. Just go. It's the end. Didn't you see the sign in big letters that said, 'THE END?' There's no more here to read. [Grumbles as he turns off the lights behind him and closes the theater doors] I swear, readers these days. They're just so... demanding....

- *THUD* - *CLICK* -