Happy Valentine's Day guys!

This is my first request, requested by the-wolf-with-big-eyes.

Author's Note: Some characters are OOC, as you will soon find out. Also, due to my lazy habits, the citizens of Ikebukoro will celebrate Valentine's Day with the classic flowers, paper hearts, you get the idea. I am too tired to look up Japanese traditions. Also, my medical reasoning is very poor. So don't expect the medical details to make any sense at all.

Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!


Concentration didn't come easy when you were an underground doctor trying to get experiment results. Especially when a certain information broker was laughing madly and spinning in nauseating circles in your swivel chair.

"Izaya," Shinra sighed, massaging his temples, "Could you please settle down? I'm trying to analyze this data. If you're not going to behave in my lab, I would suggest leaving."

"Aww, come on Doc. Who's going to heal my wound?"

"If you didn't get into scrapes with Shizuo every other week, we wouldn't be doing this."

"It's not often that Shizu-chan grazes me," Izaya grumbled defensively.

"Whatever, could you please sit still? I'll look at it in a second."

"You're no fun," Izaya said, fake-pouting. "What's so important, anyway?"

"I'm manufacturing artificial hormones," Shinra responded. "All the different types. Right now, I'm making teen girl hormones. It's really quite fascinating; I must say I'm-"

Shinra abruptly stopped talking. At this point, most people's eyes had glazed over as he sank into medical jargon. However, Izaya looked intently interested. It was a nice change.

"I must say I'm intrigued," the doctor finished. "Some types of hormones drive puberty, and those are the ones I'm looking at."

"Interesting," Izaya said slowly.

"I've developed this fluid," said Shinra, holding up a vile up a clear liquid. "It's a solution of water and fabricated teenage hormones that were made in the lab. Inject it into any bloodstream and they'll work like a charm. Now, let's have a look at that wound." Izaya pulled up the sleeve of his jacket to reveal a deep cut in his arm.

"Yikes," Shinra said. "Hold on, I'll go get some supplies."

"Whatever you say, Doc."

"Just don't touch anything while I'm gone."

"You got it!"

Shinra left the room while Izaya eyed the little vile of clear liquid with curiosity.

-One week later-

Shinra Kishitani was a happy doctor, for many reasons. Firstly, work was coming along smoothly. Well, as smoothly as underground doctoring would allow. Secondly, Celty was enthusiastically going through with the wedding, and thirdly, Valentine's Day was right around the corner, a perfect opportunity to show his affection for Celty and ultimately earn the title 'Perfect Boyfriend.' Life was going pretty well. Or so he thought.

When Shinra walked into his apartment, his thoughts turned to his fiancée. Celty. Shinra smiled at the thought of her, probably sitting at her desk, typing away on her laptop with feline grace. The thought sent something of an electric shock up his spine.

"Celty?" He called, slinging his work bag off his shoulders with a grunt. "I'm home!"

His call was unanswered. Multiple voices drifted from the kitchen. Shinra was confused. He and Celty had company about once in a blue moon.


Nothing. The whispering voices continued on. Shinra ventured to the kitchen. He suddenly had the distinct feeling he was walking in on something important.

Celty was sitting on her swivel chair, agitated puffs of smoke bursting from her neck. Perched on top of the countertop was that Karisawa girl, hands cupping her chin, suppressing giggles. Standing next to her was her friend, the Yumasaki boy, his head buried in his hands.

"Erika! This is insane!" Walker groaned.

"Oh lighten up, Yumachi," Erika grinned, her giggles becoming more and hysterical.

"Oh, Dark Rider of the Night," the boy pleaded to Celty, "You can't possibly go along with this."

A flustered Celty, who wasn't used to being called 'Dark Rider of the Night,' could only fidget in her chair. It appeared that none of the room's occupants has noticed Shinra.

"It's all Erika!" Walker continued his rant. "This is just an attempt at making her yaoi fantasies reality! Ignore everything she says, in fact-"

"Oh, hi Shinra! Didn't see you there!" Erika interrupted cheerily. At that moment, all eyes turned to the doctor. He stood in the doorway uncomfortably.

"Erm, what's going on?"

"Oh, nothing much, just solving Iza-Iza's romantic dilemma!" Erika declared with a rather demonic sparkle in her eyes.

"Izaya's romantic dilemma?" Shinra was now utterly baffled.

"Yes," Erika nodded wistfully. "With Shizu-chan."

"With Shizuo?" Shinra turned to Celty for an explanation. His fiancée somehow seemed just as lost as he was. She pulled out her PDA and quickly typed up a message.

[Shinra, Erika just may be right. Izaya may be in love with Shizuo. I rode over to pick up a package ready for transport this morning, and he was…well…sobbing on the floor of his apartment.]

Shinra raised an eyebrow.

[It was really unsettling to see sociopathic, obnoxious, frustrating Izaya as a blubbering mess. I finally managed to drag him over to our apartment. Then I called Kadota for help, but Erika answered his phone. That's how she and Walker ended up here. She's been spouting off yaoi nonsense since she got here.]

As if on cue, Erika erupted into a particularly violent fit of crazed fan girl laughter.

"Where is Izaya now?" Shinra asked.

[In the bedroom. He's been cooped up in there all afternoon. You might not want to go in there. He's pretty moody.]

"Still, I'd better go check on him."

Celty helplessly watched her boyfriend stride over to the bedroom.

Shinra didn't know what to expect when he went to check on Izaya, but it certainly wasn't what he saw. Izaya was splayed out on the rumbled covers of Shinra's bed. In one hand, he clutched a jar of chocolate cookie dough to his chest like a small child clutching a teddy bear. In the other hand, he held a salad fork, which he was using to scoop out large dollops of the cookie dough.

"Go away!" The information broker growled, throwing a pillow at Shinra's head. It landed square in the doctor's face, knocking his glasses off balance.

"Listen Izaya, what's going on? You can tell me!" Shinra said as pleasantly as possible while adjusting his glasses.

"There's no need, my fine doctor," Izaya dramatically proclaimed. "Your worries are unnecessary! I am perfectly stable! Now go, be on your way!"

Shinra closed the door behind him. "Sorry. As your...friend, I won't leave this room until I get to the bottom of this outburst. Erm, Izaya, you do hate Shizuo Heiwajima, don't you?"

Izaya burst out in sobs. "Don't mention that scum-sucking fiend to me! I do not associate with him! Honestly, doctor, your services are wasted here! I don't need you to be my crutch! I will bitterly suffer through my misery alone, thank you very much."

"So then, why are you eating my cookie dough in my bedroom in my apartment?" Shinra challenged.

"Your lass kidnapped me. It's a capital offense. I should sue."

"Well, this is rather funny, now isn't it? You've got a little crush, don't you? Hasn't someone told you your love is almost certainly unrequited?"

Izaya's expression soured.

"Laugh now, you quack. I always get what I want."

"Fair enough. Well, what are you going to do about this love?"

Izaya stared at Shinra as if the doctor had just sprouted a second head.

"Do something? Do something? No! I wouldn't! I won't!" The information broker sounded remarkably like a teenage girl. Realization struck Shinra like a lightning bolt.

"Izaya," he said slowly.


"Do you have something you want to tell me?"



"Okay, well, I may have accidentally spilled some of your solution onto my wound, there. Whoops."

"Izaya, the solution is in your bloodstream now. Do you know what that means?"

"You'll have to do the experiment again?"

"You have female hormones in your bloodstream. They will work as if you were a teenage girl. Well, this is going to be interesting." A triumphant grin played on Shinra's lips. "Have we learned a lesson about playing with my experiments?"

For once in his life, the information broker could only glare and shovel a particularly large scoop of cookie dough into his mouth.

Thanks for reading! All reviewers get imaginary fruit roll ups and juice boxes!