~*~*~*~*~The Final Straw~*~*~*~*~

Fore'ize burst into... buried his head in his head and sobbed. "He hated me, daddy!! He hated me! He said I was scary and ugly and..." He lifted his head, "Daddy??"

"Son, help me!" he screamed, as a crowd of Greens dragged him away, tearing his clothes off as if he were some sort of teen pop idol. Hundreds of weaves of saidar competing with each other as each tried to capture him for her own and use him as her 'victim' in elaborate S&M rituals.....er.....Bond him.

"Daddy! Nooo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!" His voice broke. "The only man who ever loved me, and it was a strictly platonic kind of love!"

"So, they all abandoned you too," a voice said from behind him.

"Yes, yes, the only man who accepted me for what I really was! And he's gone with those women! And they will Bond him, and he will love them!"

"Greens got another one, eh? I know how he feels." the voice said resignedly.

The Myrddraal turned around, "Who...who are you, mister? Will you be my one true and eternal love that trancends all time and space?"

The tall redhead snorted, "Ah, no. I got three gizirl's prophecied for me, man, one Forsizaken, who makes them look like back-alley girls, who wants my body and some mysterious travizellin chick who likes my luscious bizum. Ain't no way I'm givin that all up, dizude. But bro, I totally dig you. They just don't understand, do they? Well I hate them all! I hate them all and I'm never comin hizome!" he sulked angrily.

Fore'ize wondered if this freakish habit adding of 'iz' in the middle of words was some sort of speech impediment affecting the Lightsworn or simply a new trend he hadn't heard of yet. Who ever understood Lightsworn anyway?

"I know, I know! No one knows how I feel! They all think I'm some kind of freak! All I want is a little lovin' for a sickly night in the Blight. But they all run and shriek at me, and point and laugh at me." Suddenly, a tear appeared out of his forehead and tracked down his fishbelly face. "I could be as faithful as anyone else to the one I loved, but everyone assumes that I have loose morals, so no one takes me seriously. Just because I love others like me does not mean that my love is any less valid!"

Rand was too far into his madness to appreciate this rare bout of solemnity from the Fade. And if he had noticed, he probably would have balefired the author for moralizing in the middle of a bad humor fic, anyway.

"Dizude, I got ya. Its like my home-dizawg in my head, Mizulder, told me. Ya just gotta waste 'em all, ya knizow? Just waste the trippin' sons of (beep)s. Just beep-in beep beep beep the beep-in beeps. Cizatch ma drift?" Rand was drifting deeper and deeper into incomprehensibility.

"Actually not, really. Um, what do you mean by 'beepin beep beep' anyway?"

"Aw mizan, ya gotta get wizid it! Ya dig? Ya dig?"

Nervously, Fore'ize laughed, "Uh, yes, yes, I dig." He wondered why he was supposed to be delving into the ground. "So, what's your name?"

"I'm Spizecial Agent Fizox Mulder with the FBI....no, bizeepitty beep beep you, I'm nizot! Why? Why?! Dude, just get outta my hizead, man! I'm Rand al'Thor, the something re-somethinged. I forgot. It's the taint, ya know?"

"Oh, the Dragon. You know, I've heard that quite a few of you Lightsworn are addicted to that taint. We Shadowspawn never get any of the good stuff."

"What? Aw, naw, you got the Trizue Source. Still man, tizaint is some beep, ya know? Tizop quality. I could hizook ya up, ya know. I gizot connections, I got gizuys, ya know?"

And so, the Dragon Reborn and a servant of the Dark left, joined in spiz...spirit by their respective ranks as an outcasts from society. With that, the host of the whole damn thing and the comic relief left. Yeah, they just left my story. Ungrateful wretches! Now I have nothing to write about besides the tired cliches of a browbeaten Perrin and lascivious Mat.

I guess I'll leave the rest up to your imaginations.

Oh and now the Dark One's gonna sue me for copyright infringement. Great.