Author's Note: Here is it, the end of the movie! For best reading, I recommend playing the movie and reading along, especially if you're good at doing the mental voices of the characters. Legion as the preacher! Kai Leng getting his arms ripped off! Zaeed getting tied to a chair! (Kinky, ain't it?)

Camera cut to an exterior view of the castle, then cut to a collection of shipping crates. Thane and Wrex are slowly dragging Shepard behind concealment, pausing to look over the barricade at the men guarding the docks.

Wrex: Thane, there's sixty men down there!

Thane: It doesn't matter. We have him. We'll have to force feed him.

Wrex: Has it been fifteen minutes?

Thane: We have no time to wait. The wedding is in half an hour, and we must strike in the confusion beforehand. Tilt his head back.

As Wrex holds up Shepard's head, Thane squeezes out medigel into Shepard's mouth.

Wrex: How long is this going to take?

Shep: I'll take you both apart. I'll take you both together!

Wrex: Not too long.

Shep: Why won't my arms move?

Wrex: You've been mostly dead all day, you lazy pyjak.

Thane: We had Miracle Joker make some medigel to bring you back.

Shep: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I behind these crates? Where's Tali'Zorah?

Thane: Let me explain. There is too much. Let me summarize. Tali is marrying Zaeed in half an hour. All we have to do is break in, steal the quarian, and make our escape, after I kill Vakarian.

Shep: Not much time to waste.

Wrex: You just twitched. Isn't that a good sign?

Shep: I'm only a quick healer when I can tap my first aid skill. What are our liabilities?

Thane: There is but one working dock.

He and Wrex help lift up Shepard so the human can see the entrance.

Thane: And it is guarded by sixty men.

Shep: Our assets?

Thane: Your tech powers, Wrex's biotics, my weapons.

Shep: That's it? We are so hosed. If I had a month to take out raiders for equipment upgrades and leveling, maybe, but now?

He shakes his head back and forth.

Wrex: You're up to head shaking. That doesn't make you happy?

Laboriously, Shepard bobbles his head around to face the krogan.

Shep: Your biotics, his weapons, and my tech against sixty C-Sec officers and you think a little head jiggle will make me happy? Now if only we had a Mako, that would be something.

Thane: Where did we put the Mako the jarhead had?

Wrex: Over the jarhead, I think.

Shep: And you didn't list that because, oh, screw it. We'd still need a functioning AI.

Thane: There we cannot help you.

Wrex: Will this do?

He pulls a small silver orb out of his armor.

Thane: Where did you get that?

Wrex: At Joker's. It was just gathering dust, so I figured I'd put it to good use.

Shep: Alright, help me up. Let's get moving. I'll need a sword.

Thane: You are not strong enough to hold one.

Shep: Maybe, but they don't know that, do they? There may be problems once we're inside.

Thane: Indeed. Once we're inside, how do I find the turian? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once we do that, how do we escape?

Wrex: Shut up already, give the poor man some rest. He's been mostly dead all day.

Thane: … Sorry.

They limp away, Shepard dangling between the other two. Camera cut to the room with Tali, where Zaeed is braiding her hair.

Zaeed: You could show some goddamn excitement about all this.

Tali: Why should I?

Zaeed: I thought women were supposed to be goddamn excited at weddings.

Tali: I will not marry tonight. My Shepard will save me.

She stalks out of the room. Once she's gone, Zaeed gets a sudden satisfied smile on his face. Camera cut to the exterior of the docks, with the lighting set to night mode. Wrex, Thane, and Shepard peer over the same line of crates as before, looking at the turian C-Sec officers lined up in parade-perfect rows. Closeups of all three looking serious.

Camera cut to inside the chapel of the Citadel, where a geth dressed as a catholic priest stands at the front. Everyone rises.

Legion: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together in consensus. Marriage, a historical arrangement usually tied to religious ceremonies and debunked spirituality.

Shouting can be faintly heard from outside, and the guests begin shuffling nervously. Camera cut back to outside. The guards are all fidgeting with their weapons. A sudden rumble of engines can be heard, and the small Mako trundles into view, Wrex on the roof with a black skull painted onto his helmet.

Wrex: I am the Dread Spectre Arterius! There will be no survivors!

Brief camera shot of the inside of the Mako, where Thane is sitting on Shepard's lap to steer the vehicle.

Thane: Now?

Shep: Not yet.

Wrex: My husks are here, I'm here, and very shortly, you miserable varren aren't going to be here.

Thane: Now?

Shep: Hit it.

The drell shoves the silver orb into a slot on the control panel, and with a sudden whine, the Mako activates. Wrex jumps off the back, helping Thane to pull Shepard out of the Mako as, on its own, it begins opening fire and attempting to run over the guards. The turians scatter in all directions as Kai Leng attempts to chide them into standing against the vehicle.

Camera cut back inside the chapel.

Legion: True love is a myth, but the biochemical bonds between two people are empirically sound. With some effort, they will remain as both members of a couple.

Zaeed catches Garrus' eyes and jerks his head towards the disturbance. The turian turns, growling at the guards with his subharmonics, and they file out of the chapel with him.

Camera cut back outside. Wrex is continuing to shout intimidating slogans at the turians as they run for their life.

Wrex: I am the Dread Spectre Arterius, and I'm going to turn you all into batarian concubines!

In moments, the mako has driven off, chasing the last of the guards, and the only one left standing by the docks entrance is a flustered Kai Leng.

Camera cut back inside the chapel.

Legion: With these simple tips, you too can preserve your relationship-consensus.

Zaeed: Shut up already! Skip to the end!

Legion: Error. My ceremony input does not come with pre-set bookmarks.

Tali: Here comes my Shepard now.

Camera cut back outside. Wrex bodyslams Kai Leng before he can seal the door. Camera cut back inside.

Zaeed: He's a goddamn corpse. Took care of him myself.

Tali: Then why is there fear behind your white eye?

Camera cut back to the docks. Thane, pulling along a limping Shepard, stand in front of Kai Leng to block his escape while Wrex just laughs.

Shep: Give us the passcode.

Kai Leng: I have no passcode.

Thane: Wrex, tear his arm off.

Kai: Oh, you mean this passcode?

He activates his omni-tool. Wrex responds by tearing that arm off, and deactivating the security scanners as the assassin falls to the ground. Camera cut back to the chapel.

Legion: And do you, Creator Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch –

Zaeed: Man and wife! Say man and goddamn wife!

Legion: … Man and goddamn wife.

Zaeed: Take her to the honeymoon suite. I'll get there when I goddamn can.

As Tali shuffled off with a stunned look, Javik and Liara walk out of the chapel leading her by the arms.

Tali: He didn't come.

Camera cut to an interior hallway, where Garrus is leading four other guards through at a run. They all stop at an intersection, facing down the three heroes.

Garrus: Kill the krogan and the drell, but leave the human for "questioning".

Grinning, Thane raises his blade, and kills all four guards in moments.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Garrus stares at him for a moment, his own sword at the ready, then turns and bolts down the hallway in the other direction. Thane watches for a second, then chases after him. Wrex and Shepard look at each other in confusion. Camera cut to show Garrus go through a door and lock it. Thane catches up, throwing himself against the door in frustration.

Thane: He's getting away from me, Wrex!

Wrex: I can't leave him alone!

Thane: Wrex, please!

Reluctantly, Wrex drapes Shepard over a prothean statue in the hallway, then moves to catch up with Thane. He stops the drell from slamming against the door, then headbutts it, causing the whole door to fall out of the frame. Thane rushes through in pursuit.

Camera cut to Tali, flanked by Liara and Javik.

Javik: These primitive rituals are a waste of my time.

Liara: They don't usually go like this. Now come along.

She walks off, as Tali pulls Javik to a halt. The quarian leans over, pressing the faceplate of her helmet against the side of his head.

Javik: What was that?

Tali: You've been less mean that Zaeed was, and I plan on killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.

Javik: That was a kiss? You lesser life forms are disgusting!

Camera cut back to Thane chasing Garrus through the halls, crashing through several doors. Camera cut back to Wrex, standing in front of the prothean statue, Shepard nowhere in sight. Cut back to Garrus, pulling out his sniper rifle and readying a single concussive shot, hitting Thane in the abdomen right as the drell comes around the corner.

Thane: Forgive me, father. I tried.

He sags to the ground heavily, clutching the bleeding wound.

Garrus: You must be that little drell bastard I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Have you really been chasing me your whole life? And failed just now? That's the most horrible thing I ever heard.

His mandibles flex widely.

Garrus: How marvelous.

Camera cut back to Tali, entering the room slowly. She moves over to the desk, sits down, and picks up her SMG, turning around the barrel and pressing it to her chest.

Shep: There's a shortage of perfect environmental suits in this world. It would be a shame to damage yours.

She drops the gun and rushes over to him on the bed.

Tali: Shepard! Oh, Shepard darling!

She proceeds to repeatedly press her face plate against his lips.

Tali: Shepard, why won't you hold me?

Shep: Gently.

Tali: At a time like this? When I'm willing to risk an infection for you? Gently?

Shep: Gently!

He says the last desperately, right before she slams his head into the headboard of the bed.

Camera cut back to Thane, who suddenly slowly rises to his feet.

Garrus: Spirits, are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble today.

He draws his own sword, moving in to stab Thane again. The drell barely manages to counter, taking two minor wounds in the process.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

They continue to clash blades, with Thane's counter attacks becoming slowly stronger.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Their fight continues, starting to knock over items in the room. The next time, Thane shouts his catchphrase.

Thane: Hello! My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die!

Garrus: Stop saying that!

Thane stabs him with matching minor words, backing him away rapidly until Garrus bumps into a table.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

He then gives Garrus a glancing blow across one mandible.

Thane: Offer me credits.

Garrus: Of course.

The drell beats aside his blade and deals another minor wound to the other mandible.

Thane: Power too, promise me that.

Garrus: All that I have and more. Please!

Thane: Offer me anything I ask for.

Garrus: Anything you want.

With a final move, Thane catches the turian's forearm, driving his blade through Garrus' heart.

Thane: I want my father back you son of a varren!

He turns and walks away slowly, surprised to be alive, as Garrus collapses to the floor.

Camera cut back to Tali's bedroom.

Tali: Oh, Shepard, can you ever forgive me?

Shepard: Did you take apart a drive core again?

Tali: No, I got married. I didn't want to, but –

Shep: Never happened.

Tali: What?

Shep: Never happened.

Tali: But it did, I was there! This holey geth said 'Man and goddamn wife.'

Shep: Did you say "I do?"

Tali: Well, no, we skipped that part.

Shep: Then you're not married. You didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Massani?

Camera pulls back to show Zaeed standing in the doorway.

Zaeed: Just a goddamn loophole. Right now, it's time to kill you.

Shep: No! To the pain.

He pauses to consider that one.

Zaeed: Sounds interesting. Go on.

Shep: I'll explain, and I'll use small words to be sure you'll understand, you syphilis-ridden vorcha.

Zaeed: Last goddamn idiot who said that is dead now.

Shep: Not me. To the pain means the first thing you lose is your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists. Then your nose.

Zaeed: Then my goddamn tongue after that? I need to do a better job of goddamn killing you.

Shep: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be that natural blue eye, followed by that creepy white one.

Zaeed: And then my goddamn ears. I get it already!

Shep: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every salarian at seeing your hideousness, will echo in your perfect ears. Every hanar who weeps at your approach, every asari who cries out, "Dear Goddess, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what the pain means. I leave you in anguish, wallowing in even more freakish misery, forever.

They stare each other down for a moment, Zaeed looking doubtful, Shepard confident.

Zaeed: It's a goddamn bluff.

Shep: It's possible, you vorcha. I might be bluffing. I might only be lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Or perhaps I have the strength after all.

He slowly rises from the bed, dramatically extending the sword blade to put the tip inches from Zaeed's eyes.

Shep: Drop your rifle.

Jessie clatters to the ground, and Shep gestures with the blade.

Shep: Have a seat!

Zaeed moves quickly to sit down. Tali immediately rushes over and starts to tie him to the chair. Cut to the hallway outside, Shepard's voice still audible. Thane comes stumbling through the halls.

Shep: Tie him up, and make them really tight.

Thane: Where's Wrex?

Shep: I thought he was with you. In that case –

He tries to step forward and nearly falls.

Thane: Help him.

Tali: Why does he need helping?

Thane: Because he has no strength.

Zaeed: I goddamn knew it was a goddamn bluff!

Thane: Shall I kill him for you?

His sword extends to the mercenary's face.

Shepard: Thank you but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long, lonely life with his cowardice and Khalisah al-Jilani for company.

Wrex: Thane! Where'd you go?

Thane and Shepard rush over to the window, smashing it open to look outside at the Presidium courtyard. Wrex is standing below on top of a Hammerhead.

Wrex: I found the mechanic shop, and there it was – a brilliant, brand new Hammerhead! I figured, what better chariot for a princess once we find her?

The krogan waves to Tali, who waves back cheerfully.

Wrex: So I hot-wired it, and tried to get your attention before randomly blasting rockets around the place.

Thane: Wrex? You did something right.

Wrex: Like that'll ever happen again.

Prepared, Tali leaps out the window, landing easily on the Hammerhead. Thane and Shepard prepare to climb out after her.

Thane: It's strange. I've been in the revenge business so long, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

Shep: Have you considered being a Spectre candidate? You'd make a wonderful Dread Spectre Arterius.

They two follow Tali down to the vehicle, and zoom off.

TIM: They drove to freedom, and as the day lights came on across the Citadel, Tali and Shepard knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them, and as they reached for each other –

Camera cut to the bedroom, where TIM has paused, and moves to close the book.

Catalyst: What? What?

TIM: It's more kissing again. You don't want to hear that.

Catalyst: … Finish the story. It is still incomplete.

TIM: Alright.

Camera cut back to Tali and Shepard, sitting on top of the Hammerhead.

TIM: Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure, all of them from Ardat-Yakshi. This one left them all behind.

Tali finally removes her mask, her back to the camera, and they finally kiss for real.

TIM: The end.

He clicks off the tablet.

TIM: Now, I think you need to go into sleep mode.

Catalyst: Very well.

The Illusive Man rises to his feet, patting all of his pockets carefully before moving to leave.

TIM: So long.

Catalyst: Grandpa?

The man pauses near the doorway.

Catalyst: You should return and read it again tomorrow.

TIM: As you wish.