"Justin, Heather and Harold Review Bad Video Games!"
Rated M for Very Strong Language
Disclaimer: I do not own Total Drama series or anything that's associated with the Angry Video Game Nerd. Just so you know, Harold will play the game and Heather and Justin will commentate on what's going on.
Chapter 7: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It was once again game searching time. But this time, Harold finally got a break from the game-playing and managed to have Justin search for a game to review in Harold's game closet.
"Let's see... what do we have next?" Justin replied as he flicked through each game without even looking. Somehow, his well-built hand came up upon a copy of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre for the Atari 2600. He looked right at it dead-on. "Wow, looks like another game based on a movie."
"Basically, I have no idea what's up with movie-based video games. They all just suck like diarrhea dump." Heather replied as she sipped on her Mountain Dew Kickstart, and not to mention she was sitting with Harold.
"Well, you'll never know until you play it." Harold replied as Justin inserted the game cartridge on the Atari console. He turned it right on instantly in which there was a blank black screen. The words "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" appeared in red, just flashing it over and over again.
"Well, there's the title screen. I'm certain someone had to come up with this annoying introduction..." Justin sighed as he felt a little tired of the sound that was making whenever the words faded away. "Sounds like an unattractive robot taking a sonic dump."
And then game screen displayed an 8-bit Leatherface in which he was colored blue, was tan-skinned and was sporting a flattop. Justin sorta reacted a bit weirdly.
"Okay, since when on earth did Leatherface look like that? He looks like Ernie from Sesame Street but only dressed in blue. He doesn't even come close to looking like Leatherface." Justin explained a bit, "From what I remember in the movie, the only thing Leatherface wore was just a black tuxedo and a mask made of Leather. Is that were games based on horror films was back then?"
"Must be from one of those suckbrains who thought every game based on horror films should be kid friendly. What's next? Have Bert from Sesame Street as Jason Voorhees where his only weapon is a plastic baseball bat instead of a machete?" Heather replied with an eyebrow raised.
"I'm certain that would suck pickle shit down a dog's throat. GOSH!" Harold exclaimed as Justin started to look at that weird 8-bit chainsaw that the 8-bit Leatherface was holding.
"Okay, is that really supposed to be a chainsaw?" Justin responded as he raised an eyebrow at that object and smirked. "That looks more like if he grew a penis out of his own stomach. I tell you, my perfect insides would vomit from that image. But I choose not too because puking a gallon-full would feel unhealthy to my body."
"And I couldn't care even less if it did..." Heather replied looking a bit tiredsome as she drank more of her Mountain Dew Kickstart.
The game screen displayed Leatherface as he was standing all across the woods which had a little farm alongside a little truck alongside with more objects such as a wheelchair and a fence. Justin's character started moving forward and there, he approached a bystander who was trying to run away from him.
"Ohhhh no you don't! Get back here!" Justin exclaimed as 8-bit Leatherface was trying to get to the scared bystander at a close range, but strangely, the bystander went right behind him as if there was something of a glitch included in the game. "What? How in the heck can he get behind me? I almost had him until he just Nightcrawler'd me!"
"Nice to see you getting schooled by a kid who's quicker than you." Heather chuckled a bit having to see Justin fail at a game like this.
"We'll see who's quicker than who! Get back here!" Justin exclaimed angrily at the game screen as he was trying to chase the bystander all around. This felt like a few minutes to be exact, "Almost there! Almost there...!"
And then finally, Leatherface finally spliced the poor girl's head clean off, which forced her body upside down.
"Finally, I got her!" Justin exclaimed as he felt too much beat just catching her all around. "She couldn't get away from Leatherface for long that's for sure."
"Yeah, and look how much fuel you lost trying to catch her and such. GOSH!" Harold exclaimed as Justin looked up to the fuel bar.
"Wait a minute? There's a fuel bar in this game?" Justin said as his eyes felt a little popped open. He looked at the fuel bar because it was to only power the chainsaw. He wouldn't even want to know what happens if the whole meter went all the way down to 0. "Eh, never to worry. A model like me and Leatherface never runs out of fuel! Okay, time to slice more heads off!"
Leatherface then took his eyes on another helpless bystander and started to chase her around.
"You know, when you kill them, the rest of their bodies go upside down?" Heather replied as he realized of how an enemy dies in the game, "It's like somebody trying to stick their head in the dirt just so they could feel shame. It's so sad that I like it!"
"Not as sad as this fugly's gonna be in a minute!" Justin exclaimed as he couldn't wait for Leatherface to make a roasted pig out of the girl just running. He was coming in close after her, "Okay, this time... I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it! She's going down, Justin-style! Aaaaaaaand...!"
But before Leatherface can finally get close to her and raise his chainsaw, the screen went blank for some reason.
"What? What happened? Did the game crash?" Justin reacted a little bit before the screen showed a girl getting right behind Leatherface.
And then suddenly, the girl came right behind him and kicked Leatherface right in the ass.
"Did she? Did she just kick me right in the butt? What kind of stupid ending was that?" Justin reacted as he looked right to Heather.
"Look, for somebody like you with the brain of a high-heeled shoe, let me explain something to you. The reason the game turned to black and you got your ass kicked, pun intended, was because your fuel meter ran out!" Heather exclaimed to Justin, who was explaining to him, The chainsaw you used was draining out your fuel! The more time you use it, it drains a lot of fuel. Because you wasted too many time trying to chase down that girly bastard, you lost a lot of fuel, which now results in ending the game automatically! Maybe if you quit using your chainsaw for a little while, you'll get your fuel back again. But alas, you never listen to me so, you got kicked in the ass really fucking bad."
And then, Justin looked right at the video game screen where he gripped his controller very angry.
"Why didn't no one tell me that fuel was for the chainsaw? I always thought it was for running only!" Justin exclaimed. "This whole gameplay is so boring to me! It makes me form wrinkles, it makes my eyelids burn and worst of all, this game makes me look unattractive! Who in the heck makes a fuel meter in this game. Heck, this game wouldn't been more fun if they just get rid of the fuel meter and just hack and slash whoever you want to! And these Nightcrawler-transforming scared little girls make me hurl! Heck, it even makes my abs, legs, neck, chest, and my eyes hurl! I had enough Texas Chainsaw Massacre for a day. I'm giving this crappy-assed buzzkill 1.5 out of 5 stars! Heather, give me my chainsaw!"
Justin then took the game right out and set it right on the table as Heather gave Justin a chainsaw from the actual movie.
"Harold, my mask. I gotta make sure my beautiful face doesn't get hit by shrapnel."
"Here you go!" Harold exclaimed as Justin gave him a football helmet with a visor just to protect himself.
Justin readied the chainsaw and just feeling its violent vibration. And then, just like a sword-wielding warrior, Justin raised the chainsaw down...
...and sliced the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" game cartridge in half! It was no left in unholy pieces with no chance in hell.
"I so love this thing right here..." Justin smirked right to Harold and Heather as he raised his chainsaw in victory, "Maybe I might use it for Thanksgiving."
"Well, whatever you do, don't get any turkey shrapnel all over me or else somebody's gonna lose a dick!" Heather exclaimed as he threatened both Justin and Harold as they both left.
"I shudder to think of that..." Harold shuddered a bit before he turned the lights off and closed the door behind them, therefore ending another crappy game review. Oh, how Leatherface could feel the shame indeed...
Wow, that game was a massacre at best and I'm glad the Atari 2600 isn't around. This is the 2010's now, baby!
Ok, enough of the chainsaw! Which game do you want Justin, Heather and Harold to review next:
The Three Stooges on the NES
American Gladiators on the Sega Genesis
Until then loyal gamers, read and review!