Title: Secret Santa

Author: Leaf Zelindor

Warnings: Het/Slash/Slight Incest/Crack/Completely AU

Disclaimer: I dunn own a thing. I wish. (and I totally forgot to post this at a random christmas time and It's like... four years old)

Rating: Older Teen/Adult (for the naughty gifts)

Fandom: Final Fantasy 7, 8

Pairing: Sephiroth/Cloud, Irvine/Selphie, Genesis/Angeal, Lazard/Rufus

Summary: Reno manages to get people to do Secret Santa. For Company Unity don't you know.

"You want me to do what?!" The blonde Turk stared at her Cherry-Haired superior for several moments. You'd think after working under Reno, sometimes literally, for seven years, she'd stop being surprised by his suggestions.

"I need to borrow your bra so we can draw names yo!" There was a smirk on the redhead's lips, his green-blue eyes had that twinkle that said he was determined to get his way, and she'd probably enjoy it.

"Draw names for what." Her own blue eyes where quickly narrowed in suspicion, and she crossed her arms quickly, which of course only enhanced the bit of cleavage she had. She wasn't huge by any means, thanks to her athletically demanding job; but it was enough that her coworker had no problem copping a feel at inopportune moments and enjoy the view when she enhanced it like this.

"Secret Santa yo! I've gotten everyone to do it! Not just us, but The Generals, an some of the lower SOLDIER and even Ruru agreed!" The redhead was pouting now. His quirky almost always smiling lips turned downwards for effect, and he was attempting to give her puppy eyes.

"Find a hat or something Reno," She said firmly, starting to turn away. Unsurprisingly long arms quickly slid around her waist and she was pulled back against the taller body.

"Come on Elena, It's for a good cause," He purred into her ear, lips almost brushing it. A warm shiver ran down her back, but Elena was forcing herself to stand firm.

"I am not letting you use my bra like that Reno, if you want one so bad, go bother Tifa." Elena firmly put her hands over his wrists and tried to pry them from around herself. The redhead easily tightened his grip and she made a huffy noise. One hand tried to crawl up her side playfully, she swatted at it. The teasing lips wrapped around the top of her ear and teeth gave a nip. "Reno," her voice came out surprisingly firm. He knew that was a weak spot for her.

"Please Laney?" Reno cooed now, his hips rocking against her ass and letting her know that he had more to promise than just teases. She snorted softly and elbowed him in the side quickly. This caused him to gasp and let go. Elena easily stepped out of his hold now.

"I'm on duty, No." Her voice was cool, and she turned to walk off again, leaving the redhead nursing his wounded ego behind her. His bald headed partner was starting down the hallway, one eyebrow arched some from behind his usual shades. She flashed him half a smile as she made her way towards her office. She, unlike Reno, wanted to finish the work she needed to before the end of the day.

Rude strode up to Reno and paused, snorting. "You know she doesn't do sex during work hours," he murmured lowly. Amused as one bright eye glared up at him.

"Was promisin future favors yo!" Reno protested, rubbing his side a bit more and straightening up. "When did she get so strong?"

"She's been taking lessons from Tseng." Rude shrugged, and then gave Reno's ponytail a gentle yank. "Come on.."

"I still don't have anything to make people draw names from though." The skinny male pouted, but turned to follow Rude towards the larger man's office. Rude moved into the office and to settle in his desk chair before looking at his partner. His expression, if someone could see his eyes, was rather fond.

"Go ask the new sharpshooter if you can borrow that stupid hat of his." The bald man suggested. The newbie was rather overprotective of that dumb hat of his. It was big enough to do the job they needed it for though.

"He'll kill me." Reno crossed his arms in thought. "It's totally worth it." With that the redhead was out the door. Rude allowed himself a quiet chuckle and then settled down to finish some reports, wondering how long it would be before Reno returned. Irvine could really be overprotective of his damn hat after all. Rude paused, almost wondering if perhaps he should find the first aid box in case. He shook his head a moment, a potion would probably take care of things if needed.

The Sniper was sitting quite unaware in his office. Idly cleaning his beloved rifle when the sing songy voice that did not belong to his little lady came through his doorway. Suspiciously the Auburn haired man looked up at the grinning man in his doorway. "What do you want Reno?"

"I need ta borrow somethin." Reno tried to bat his eyes coyly at Irvine. This made the Gunner raise an eyebrow quickly. "Umm, Somethin kinda important?"

"You're not getting my hat..." Irvine announced. There would be only one thing Reno could be after, and he was not letting that idiot get his grubby paws on that hat.

"I'll do anything you want Irvine..please! I just need it long enough to do the name pulls for Secret Santa!" Reno was pleading now, he even turned on the large puppy eyes.

"How do I know you won't damage it huh?" Irvine eyed the older man quietly for a bit. Reno fell creepily quiet for a bit.

"You can hold onta my goggles till I return yer hat..." Green eyes just stared at him quietly, quite serious. A fine eyebrow raised a bit.

"You goggles?" The question was slow, obviously surprised.

"Dead serious man..." Reno reached up and carefully tugged the almost permanently attached goggles from his hair and held them out. Nobody ever got to hold those goggles. Irvine was impressed. He quietly picked up his signature 10 gallon cowboy hat and held it out. Reno whooped and took it from him. "Thank you So much." He grinned brightly before turning to leave.

"Nothin happens to it Reno." Irvine watched Reno give a two fingered salute before waltzing on out. The sniper shook his head, somewhat amused. Well if anything did happen, He had the goggles...

The blond man sighed as a red-haired whirlwind entered his office, and dropped a hat on his desk. A Large, and rather familiar hat. It was full of folded squares of paper. Casually the director of the SOLDIER looked up at the grinning redhead.

"There you go Lazard...Every name of the participants. I even got Hojo to enter!" Reno was far to cheerful about this. Lazard pitied the person who got Hojo for this mess. He quietly pulled out his PHS.

"Can I pull a name first?" Reno asked, trying to give the man his classic puppy eyes. Lazard rolled his eyes.

"You can wait till we reach the Turk floor." The director quickly cut him off, making the man pout. That was a dangerous pout. He quietly dialed a number and put it to his ear. Reno watched in amusement as he spoke a few words to the other man who had agreed to be a mediator in this whole game. Reno was excited though, bouncing on his toes. This was going to be so much fun. He just hoped he pulled someone good.

"Reno, go back to your office." Lazard's voice broke into his thoughts, Reno attempted to pout once more. Lazard gave him a very flat look, and he gave in, turning to leave, looking back to wink once at the man.

Lazard snorted softly, getting to his feet as his partner in this crazy plan appeared. Angeal looked faintly amused as he picked up the hat. "Kinneas' hat?"

"So it appears." Lazard picked up a pat of paper and a pen. "Let's get this taken care of..."

Angeal simply nodded and started out of there. The director quickly following him. Neither wanted to spend very long on this. They headed down to the SOLDIER floor first. To catch those on the list who should be down there. Reno had pestered some of the more interesting members of SOLDIER to do this. The first they found in the barracks, two quiet third class soldiers, Cloud Strife, and Squall Leonheart. The pair were in their bunks when the Director entered the room. Leonheart noticed them first and rolled to his feet.

"Director sir, General," he murmured. Strife's head shot up and he quickly scrambled up as well, both saluted quickly.

"Relax men, this is social more than anything." Lazard waved a hand, glad to see that both took him seriously and relaxed a bit. "We're doing a Secret Santa this year, as you were likely informed by the Turk heading it up."

The pair nodded quietly. Reno had been very insistent that they join in the game. After Lazard went over the rules with them, Angeal held out the hat. Thepair exchanged a look and both reached for the hat at the same time. Paper rustled a bit and then Cloud pulled his out first. Squall glanced at him and quickly pulled his own hand back, paper neatly between his first finger and thumb. Quietly they both opened up the pieces of paper. Cloud's expression was most entertaining. His soft blue eyes simply getting even larger than usual.

"Cloud?" Leonheart murmured softly and looked at him quietly.

"I'm okay," the blonde squeaked, nodding quickly. Lazard reached over and plucked the piece of paper quickly. Eyebrow going up some he quickly wrote down "Cloud Strife - Sephiroth Hojo" before handing back the piece of paper to the rather unsettled blond. Cloud's fingers clutched around it quietly. Squall quietly offered his own to the man for the notation. He didn't seem at all phased by this. Lazard glanced at it, and then wrote down. "Squall Leonheart - Rude" Even Lazard wasn't going to bother to write Rude's real name down.

"Thank you Gentlemen..Good luck with your presents.." Angeal murmured, moving to follow Lazard from the room. As soon at they were gone Cloud flopped into his bed and groaned.

"It can't be that bad," Squall murmured, settling down next to him, tilting his head. Cloud sighed and glanced up at his friend. One of the very few he had.

"I got Sephiroth" He murmured softly. Squall's eyebrow arched, and a soft whistle left the pretty brunet's lips. "I just...he could have anything..."

"You'll find someone spectacular for him, I'm sure." Squall assured, then settled next to the blond. They could figure this out for themselves. It wouldn't be huge a deal.

Sephiroth looked very un-enthused when the large hat was offered to him. He'd never personally done something like this before. Genesis had far to happily informed him that His name had been added to the pool, and then regretted it when they finally left the training room some time later. Silently the silver general reached into the hat and pulled out a slip of paper, glancing at it briefly he frowned and then offered it to Lazard, who quickly added to his list, "Sephiroth Hojo - Reno."

Angeal then offered the hat to Genesis. His long time friend smirked at him and happily dug his hand into the hat, digging around some before pulling a slip out, glancing at it briefly before a soft chuckle left his lips and he showed it to Lazard as well. "Genesis Rhapsodos - Rufus Shinra" was quickly written down. He wondered briefly, just how interesting the pairs would end up being. Nodding to his two Generals, he and Angeal headed off to catch the next people on their list. The turks.

Reno was waiting far to eagerly for the pair to come into the room. He couldn't stay still. This was highly amusing to the others around him. The other turks watched as he paced, fidgeted with things, got Tseng a fresh cup of coffee when he spilled the first one. It was quite amusing. When Lazard and Angeal finally entered the room, the redhead all but pounced.

Angeal calmly held out the hat, and all to cheerfully Reno dug in pulling out a slip of paper, and then making an extremely pleased noise. Lazard rather felt sorry for whomever had that name on the paper. Reno did a dance of victory and then held it out with a smug grin. Lazard snorted softly and then faintly smiled and wrote down what he saw. "Reno - Cloud Strife." The poor little 3rd class would have no idea what hit him. The other Turks came to take their turns quickly. No were near as bouncy about this as the first. Lazard quickly made notes here as well.

It amused Lazard when he settled down to look at the final master list in his office.

Cloud Strife - Sephiroth Hojo

Squall Leonheart - Rude

Zack Fair - Elena Cole

Sephiroth Hojo - Reno.

Genesis Rhapsodos - Rufus Shinra

Reno - Cloud Strife.

Elena Cole - Irvine Kinneas

Tseng - Squall Leonheart

Rude - Zack Fair

Irvine Kinneas - Genesis Rhapsodos

Rufus Shinra- Tseng

Lazard was well amused by who his brother had ended up with for his person. It would be very entertaining to help the younger Shinra pick out gifts for the, often very mysterious Wutain. In fact Rufus had asked him to return when he was done so they could discuss some things. Likely this entire entertaining little thing called Secret Santa.

-The following week-

Reno was the first to find, and complain about the gift left for him. Inside the box on his desk, where normally there should be mission papers, was a small Bonsai plant. It had done nothing to offend the redhead, except that it wasn't an interesting gift to him. Green eyes were narrowed in offense at the plant. He eyed the small card attached to it, trying to tell if he'd seen the neat handwriting before. It was extremely uniform, all sharp corners and properly rounded curves. Frowning the turk examined the note a moment longer. "A fuckin plant yo..."

Down on the SOLDIER floor one very mortified blond was staring at the object lying in his locker with a big red and green bow on it. He couldn't even bring himself to touch the card and read it. His blue eyes were simply the largest things. Cloud couldn't believe this! It had to be a joke...right? Nobody would give him a lime green plastic penis for secret santa right? He swallowed some and glanced around then reached it hesitant, his fingers brushed the plastic, no..more Rubber, it wasn't hard, semi squishy really. He jerked his hand back quickly.

"What's wrong Cloudy? Someone leave you a spider?" Chirped the blond's best friend. Sticking his familiar black spike covered head over the blonds shoulder. A low whistle left the first class SOLDIER and he reached out to pick it up. "Dude this is a nice vibrator"

"A WHAT?" Cloud squeaked, his eyes getting impossibly wider now, and his cheeks quickly coloring. Zack laughed and waved the item in front of his face.

"It won't bite you know, maybe help you get over some of that frustration you have." Zack teased gently, eyeing the card. "Huh..Can't hardly read this chicken scratch..." He mused, then put the vibrator back in the locker with a wink at the still brightly blushing blond. "Maybe your secret santa has a thing for you."

Cloud groaned and quickly shut his locker, leaning on it. That was horrible. At least Sephiroth hadn't seen. The General's own gift was going to be delivered with his mail that morning. Cloud just hoped that he didn't hate it. Squall had been pretty sure it wouldn't be a big deal. But then the brunet had gotten an easy person to buy things for.

"It's okay Spike, come on, lets go get some training in." Zack's hand quickly ruffled blond spikes. "My secret santa got me something lame, a new pair of gloves."

"Sounds practical to me, instead of embarrassing." Cloud mumbled, sighing and grabbing his practice sword from the wall. Zack just laughed and tugged him along quickly. He knew just how to make his little blond chocobo feel better and he was going to do so.

Sephiroth had been studiously ignoring the small package sitting on his desk. It had arrived with the mail, and it had a small card in relatively neat handwriting that said it was from his secret santa. However the General was resisting opening it. Genesis had been through, showing off the red silk Pajama bottoms that had been left in his office that morning, and he had gushed over the wonderful set of massage oils he'd purchased for Rufus.

"You're not supposed to tell anyone who you have you know." Sephiroth remembered that much from the brief explanation of the strange holiday habit they had been asked to participate in.

"Oh like you're going to tell Rufus it was me." Genesis grinned at him now. Sephiroth sighed a bit and then shook his head briefly. No he wouldn't. "Are you going to open your gift?"

Sephiroth glanced at the small box again, and then quietly reached out to pick it up. If he didn't open it, Genesis likely would. He didn't really feel like wrestling with the other man over it. Quietly he pulled the dark blue ribbon off the box, untying it neatly. He heard Genesis snort over his slow movements. However it was not often Sephiroth received gifts worth opening. He felt the need to savor it this time. Carefully he lifted the lid off and blinked quietly at the softly shining red summon materia laying in a black cushion. His fingers gently grasped onto the materia and lifted it, he felt it for a moment or two. "Bahamut." He murmured then carefully fitted it into an empty slot on the bangle he was wearing.

"Impressive." Genesis mused, eyes curious. "I wonder who you got. Tseng's secret santa has money, I heard he got an impressive expensive set of Sake cups."

Sephiroth absently mmmed and then touched the summon materia again. It was a meaningful gift, to him anyway. He was rather fond of the dragon. Someone had to know him well to have gotten that for him, as it made an impressive addition to his collection. He found himself looking forward to the remainder of this week, just a little bit anyway.

As the week moved on, some people were beginning to get irritated. All Reno could do was complain. All of his gifts had something to do with the stupid plant he'd been given the first day. He did not like this. The only bright spot for him was hearing about Strife's reactions to the other gifts he'd given him. He'd also sent the boy some ass-less chaps, a ball gag, today he'd given him flavored lube. Apparently it was a big joke in the SOLDIER floors about poor Strife's gifts. Tomorrow, as his last present he was giving poor Strife a set of kitty ears, and a collar and leash. He smirked. If anything the blond would look damn adorable in that. He was looking forward to the party, and Cloud's reaction when he discovered who had given him all those things. Giggling the redhead bounced off to pester his fellow Turks. He wondered what Elena and Rude had received today. Their presents weren't all that exciting, but at least they weren't a bonsai tree.

Genesis sauntered into Sephiroth's office with a large peppermint stick stuck between his lips. It had been the ritual all week that Sephiroth wouldn't open his gift until the other man arrived to show off his own. They weren't the closest of friends, but with Angeal being one of the neutral participants, it just wasn't as fun to wait for him.

"A candy cane?" Sephiroth questioned quietly. Genesis' gifts had all been things he'd enjoy. Silks, a new copy of Loveless, pocket sized. Some excellent hair products that Sephiroth was tempted to steal for himself.

"A Candy Cane shaped like a penis." Genesis smirked, pulling the thing fully from his mouth to speak and show the silver haired general.

Sephiroth snorted softly and shook his head some, before settling back. His own gifts had been relatively practical over all. Following the Materia, had been a lovely mythril bangle with six joined slots, things to help him sharpen Masamune. He quietly reached for the box that had arrived today and started to open it up. Genesis flopped down to watch him, eyes dancing in amusement. He carefully opened up the box and blinked some, reaching in he pulled out a good sized jar. Reading the label he had to chuckle softly. Someone had heard him complaining of how his new gloves had been chafing his hands. It was a good lotion, in a scent he rather liked, not floral, but not a very heavy one either.

"How girly. I think you've got an admirer sending you things." Genesis mused, flipping his hair.

"And you don't?" Sephiroth's voice was a bit dry, but there was the faintest crinkle of amusement in the corner of his eye.

"Well whomever has Fair's pet Chocobo seems to want to rape the poor boy." Genesis distracted him quickly, smirking at how Sephiroth's jaw muscles twitched a bit. The Silver general may not wish to admit it, but he kept just about as close, if not closer an eye on the blond boy than Zack Fair ever thought to. It was nothing but amusement for the auburn haired General. He wondered how tomorrow would go, with the party and all. Parties like that one would certainly be were the sort that Sephiroth tended to avoid. "But I suppose He'll be safe enough at the party, whatever they do..."

"Of course he will be, it's a large event." Sephiroth said shortly. "Now get out Genesis, some of us have work to do."

The Red General laughed and got up, giving him a mock salute, and licking his peppermint penis quite naughtily before he wandered out. Briefly he wondered if perhaps he could corner Angeal somewhere, and give him a bit of the same treatment he had been the piece of candy.

Cloud was nervous. Zack couldn't help teasing him about it. The blond gave his best friend a pathetic look. It wasn't every day that you had to relieve to your biggest crush and idol that you were their secret santa. Zack laughed softly and gently poppled a fluffy red and white santa hat on the blond's head.

"I promise you, it will be fine." The 1st class assured his shorter friend. Cloud just nodded quietly, trying to quell the butterflies raging in his stomach like chicobo's at a feeder. He gently gripped the package in his hand a bit tighter. Zack chuckled and tugged on his arm. "Let's go Cloud."

The pair hurried for the meeting room where the exchange was going to take place. Reno was already present, bouncing around with a bright green bow in his hair. The other Turk were scattered around the room comfortably. Cloud glanced at Zack nervously the dark haired male gave him a smile. He couldn't help smiling back some. They together flopped onto a couch and watched as the others in this exchange filed into the room quietly.

Once everyone was gathered Lazard stood himself up from the seat he'd taken next to Rufus and nodded to them.

"Thank you for participating in this years Secret Santa. It has been..most interesting I think." He murmured, taking in the group. Everyone looked only mildly interested in anything he had to say. "Well..There is no formal way to give your revealing gifts, so...who would like to start?"

"I totally do Yo!" Reno waved a hand around. Lazard found himself snorting softly and then he nodded. The redhead smirked and bounced up, grabbing a badly wrapped package and carting it over to drop it in the lap of one brightly blushing Strife.

"You?" Cloud squeaked softly, his blue eyes huge. Reno winked at him.

"Me, an you better enjoy everything I gave ya Cloudy," Reno's tone was light, he winked at the blond. Cloud was somewhat afraid to open his gift.

"You can open it after everyone has exchanged gifts." Lazard encouraged. That would make it easier he figured. "How about you give your gift?"

Cloud nodded, putting the gift from Reno aside and then quietly getting up to carry the box in his hands over to Sephiroth. The silver general had one eyebrow up, he quietly accepted the package with a murmured thanks. Cloud squeaked a welcome and then moved to hurry back to his seat. Sephiroth's green eyes following him a bit closely. Sephiroth put it down and stood, bringing a neatly wrapped package to the still bouncing, though in place instead of all over, Reno.

"It was you yo? Why the bonsai plant?" Reno pouted, taking the gift quietly.

"I figured it would teach you some responsibility." Sephiroth murmured in all seriousness. Genesis tried to fight a chuckle at that. In reality the Silver haired man had no idea what he should have done for this exchange. Genesis had suggested something like a plant.

Soon there was a flurry as the others got over their nerves and started to give out their presents as well. Elena laughed and gave Zack's hair a tug before allowing the friendly 1st class SOLDIER to hug her. There where a flurry of exchanged words, insults, and someone, everyone later suspected Reno, had produced some Mistletoe that was getting passed around. Making the recipiants laugh again and some awkward kisses be shared.

"Awe Angeal you shouldn't have..." Zack's voice rang out, and then there was a soft protest before a wet smacking noise. Everyone looked to see Zack giving his former mentor a very sloppy kiss on the cheek. The older man was blushing some and trying to look somewhat unfazed.

With that distraction Sephiroth slid up behind the short blond who had been gifting him all week. "Thank you" He murmured again, glancing down at the spiky headed 3rd class. "All your gifts were...quite thoughtful."

Cloud shyly glanced up at him and managed a small smile. "At least they weren't embarrassing to you." He returned quietly. Sephiroth couldn't help a small chuckle.

"With Reno? I'm surprised it wasn't actually porn..." The General observed, glancing at the redhead.

"Hey Strife! I got a new camera! Maybe you could pose for me!" The Turk hollered across the room, making the little blond blush brightly again. Sephiroth snorted softly, then leaned down, his lips almost brushing Strife's left ear.

"I'd like to thank you better later, in private." He murmured lowly, eyes on Reno, making sure the redhead was well distracted before sliding a piece of paper into Cloud's fingers.

"Why don't you bring that Vibrator with you."

The blond was gaping after his form as Sephiroth quickly slid from the room. Luckily for him, most people where distracted by Rufus becoming victim of the floating piece of mistletoe. The young Vice-President blushing brightly as his older half bother leaned in and gave him, quite the sensual kiss. There was a whoop of joy as the shorter of the pair slowly reached up and tangled his fingers in Lazard's hair, keeping his head down so he could properly return it. The Mistletoe quickly floating on after that.

Zack snorted and slipped over to his dear friend.

"What's got you looking like a shocked tomato?" He teased gently, amused at the brighter hue that quickly touched Cloud's cheeks.

"Umm Sephiroth wants me to meet him later..." Cloud fidgeted from one foot to the other briefly and found himself really crumpling the piece of paper between his fingers. Zack's laugh made him jump a bit and he just looked up at his friend.

"Merry Christmas Cloud." Zack winked at him now. "I don't think you'll be around tomorrow."

The Blond gaped after him as Zack turned to walk back to the others.

Merry Christmas indeed...