United States of Hetalia Productions

To celebrate the new season because oh my freaking god that was amazing and all the celebrating on Tumblr and Italy's dancing and someone on Tumblr suggested that there be a coffee-deprived Austria fic and sorry for the lack of grammar in this author's note this was written in a great spur of emotion strong enough to flip a house, okay? Just upon watching the coffee part of the episode, I got this headcanon where the nations are stealing coffee from each other and that it escalates into a coffee war. I don't own Hetalia, Hetalia belongs to its beautiful fandom and Himaruya.

Austria was stumbling around Germany's house first thing in the morning.

Germany looked up from his newspaper to see the aristocrat make a beeline for the pantry. Austria had yet to change out of his pajamas, or put on his glasses for that matter. In fact, he still a bit of bedhead. This was a normal thing for Germany to see in the morning by now.

"Guten morgen, Austria."

Austria mumbled back a greeting and opened the pantry.

He was still digging through it when Italy popped up behind Germany. Italy flung himself on top of the German's shoulders in a hug.

"Good morning, Germany~!" Italy said cheerfully.

"Good morning," German said. After a few minutes of having Italy hanging off of him, Germany finally asked, "now will you please get off of me?"

"Oh, sorry!" Italy jumped down.

Austria finally stopped glaring at the pantry and turned his head in their direction. He had a deep scowl on his face and a glare that could set Russia on fire. "Germany..."

Italy yelled out in fear and jumped back onto Germany. The trembling Italy pulled out a white flag. "P-Please don't hurt me, Mr. Austria! I don't know what I did but I'm sorry!"

Germany sighed, trying to ignore the panicking Italian. "What is it, Austria?"

Austria stumbled over to Germany and started tugging at his arm. "Germany..."

Italy peeked at Austria from behind Germany's back. He flinched when Austria directed his glare at him for a moment. "Ve... What's wrong with him?"

"You can relax. He always gets like this before he has his coffee in the morning."

"Germany... Where did the coffee go?" Austria demanded.

Germany raised an eyebrow. "What? There should be some there."

Austria wordlessly pointed over to the offending pantry that dared lack coffee in his presence. Germany examined the pantry while Austria continued scowling.

"Germany, you know how I get when I don't have any coffee."

"I know."

"Where did all the coffee go, Germany?"

"Mr. Austria is really scary right now..."

"Will you two please calm down for I can find it?" There wasn't any coffee, but he did find something interesting. "...Why does it smell like tomatoes in here? We don't even have tomatoes."

Italy spotted a red stain on the floor. Germany never left stains in his house. "Ve! Germany, I found a clue!"

Germany got down and examined the stain. The scent of tomatoes was coming from the stain and it still looked fresh (and thankfully, cleanable). It smelled too sweet to be any of Italy's pasta sauces...


"America..." Germany concluded.

Austria turned on his heel and walked toward the front door. Well, not really walked, more like he dragged himself.

Italy tilted his head. "Where are you going?"

"Where does it look like I'm going?" he snapped. Austria ran into a table and swore under his breathe. "I'm going to get some coffee..."

Italy glanced at Germany. "Will he be alright?"

"It's fine. He's harmless." Cue the sound of Austria bumping into another table. "He'd get lost on the way there anyways." When he heard the front door slam, Germany sighed. "You're still in your night clothes!"

A flustered Austria stormed back in. "I knew that!"

Later in the Netherlands...

Netherlands fumbled around his kitchen.

"Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?"

He checked the pantry, the cupboards, the regular stash, and even his emergency stash.

There were absolutely no coffee in his house.

This was terrible because he had a ton of paperwork to do and a pipe was a terrible thing to have near papers when he was only half-awake.

He was about to give up searching when he heard something crunch beneath his boot.

A crushed coffee bean.

Netherlands felt his eye twitch in annoyance.

No, he was having his goddamn coffee today.

Later in America...


America glanced over at Canada with a cranky look. Canada sighed and put his cup of hot chocolate down.


"Canadaaaaaa, I want coffeeeeeee!" America whined.

"Well, I don't have any coffee, America!"

"Why the hell not?"

"I don't drink it, so that I don't act like that every time I don't have any."

"But brooooo!" America sunk onto the couch and lost all of his willpower to move. "Go get some from Norway!"

"Why do I have to get some from Norway?"

"The dude has tons of coffee, I'm sure he could spare some of it!"

"Wouldn't it be easier to just buy some?"

"Canada! Economy!" America buried his face into one of the couch cushions. "Lazy! Coffee! Now! Please!"

Canada sighed. "At least he said please..."

Next morning in Norway...


Denmark sat up in bed and rubbed his head. He had a splitting headache and Norway's shouting was not helping. He flopped back into bed and threw the pillow over his head.

The door to his bedroom was kicked open by a coffee-deprived Norwegian. Norway yanked the covers off of Denmark and pulled him up to face him.

"Noooooorge!" Denmark groaned. "What is it?"

"Where the hell is all my coffee?"

"Does it look like I know?"

In response, Norway violently shook him.

"Owww! Stop it! I give! Just borrow some from Finland!"

Norway stopped shaking him and gave him a deadpan look. "I'm coffee-deprived, not insane."

"Borrow it from someone else, then!"


Much later in Italy...


Romano was pacing around the room muttering swears in Italian. Italy thought he was almost as scary as Austria.

"Fratello, calm down..."

"Don't tell me to fucking calm down, dammit! I'm perfectly calm! I just want a damn cappuccino!" Suddenly, Italy could almost see an idea light-bulb turn on over Romano's head. "Weak as fuck, but whatever..."

Italy tilted his head. "Romano?"

"I'll be back in a bit. With coffee."

Later in Norway...

Norway took a long sip of Switzerland's coffee.

He didn't think it tasted as good as his own, but at least he wasn't ready to rip anyone's head off anymore.

He heard rapid and panicked knocking at his front door. He set the coffee mug down and went to answer the door.


Suddenly a tall man scrambled in through door. He quickly turned around and slammed the door shut. He leaned against the door, letting out a relieved sigh.

Norway raised an eyebrow. "Sweden?"


"What are you doing here?"

Sweden shuddered. "F'nland."

"What about Finland?"

The door was nearly blown off its hinges by a powerful strike. Sweden pressed his back against the door harder.

"...What was that?"



There was another strike at the door. Norway decided to help Sweden with the blockade.

"I can smell some inside... Open the dooooooor..."

"Did he not have any today yet, Sweden?!"

Sweden shook his head and the door got kicked down.

Through the door entered a man with a look scary enough to scare Russia. There was a nearly black aura around him.

He ignored everything else in the house and made a beeline for the coffee mug on the table.

As soon as he took a long gulp from the cup, the black aura faded and a smile spread spread across his face.

"Man~! I was look for a cup of coffee everywhere! Thanks, Norway!" Finland said cheerfully.

The next morning in Germany's house...

"Guten morgen, Austria."

"Guten morgen..." Austria said sleepily. He was stumbling toward the pantry.

Germany, thankfully, had replenished the coffee supply.

Germany looked up when Austria placed a cup in front of him, along with the aristocrat's own cup. "Thank you."

"To pay you back for getting it." Austria took a sip from his cup. His eyebrow raised in confusion, then he tapped Germany on the shoulder. "Germany?"


"This is decaf."

Ah~, I love spur of the moment crack writing! It's been a while since I've done that!

I hope you enjoyed it! Review, please!