Here's my toy4tots Christmas Wishes story.
Thanks harrytwifan for the very last minute beta job! Again. And for your continual, constant support!
I did add a few things since she had her talented hands on it, so any mistakes are mine.
Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight or any of its characters. This is Slash. Only read if you enjoy slash, obviously. And only if you're of legal age.
Song inspiration- Mittens by Carly Rae Jepsen and Kiss Me Slowly by Parachute
Ch. 1 – Could it be?
I'll be home for Christmas… eventually. And yes, I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like I do every year. My annual Christmas Eve walk to the park… to our bench, wouldn't be the same without snow. Preferably big, white, fluffy flakes like the ones that fell that night so long ago.
However, a blizzard wasn't what I had in mind, and definitely not one that hit before I made it all the way home to Forks.
And hit it did. The entire Central United States is under a blanket of snow. The one time of year I feel obligated to travel back home, and my last flight gets cancelled! As all the flights have been cancelled in this entire damned airport… city… region, including my layover flight no less, leaving me stranded in a strange city three days before Christmas?
For twenty minutes now, I've been sitting here at the terminal, hoping that by some grace of god the storm will dissipate, that it will magically disappear. There's still an hour until my flight is due to depart. It could happen, right?
Yeah… well… maybe not.
I've been watching the weather for days. I knew the storm was coming, but it wasn't supposed to be this bad. Or happen this early. The little bugger of a blizzard had other plans, hitting harder and moving faster than the forecasters predicted.
So, here I sit at terminal D39 in Chicago, Illinois. Thousands of miles away from my destination.
If the borderline hysterical murmurs of the other stranded travelers are any indication, I should consider getting off my ass and rushing to get a hotel room. But I don't move. I just sit in this uncomfortable airport chair and stare out the damned windows at the storm.
At the snow. Large, fluffy flakes that slowly flutter to the ground, reminding me of snowflake kisses, and the snow that fell around us on Christmas Eve a decade ago.
The snow that I've run from since that night. Since that boy. Since that kiss. The kiss to which all others have paled in comparison. The boy that has ruined me for anyone else.
It's ten years later. I've had one failed relationship after another. No one compares to him.
Why can't I get over him? Why can't I forget? Considering he was never mine to begin with? Except for those far too few, and much too short, moments we shared on that bench in the park surrounded by the falling snow.
His lips on mine made everything else seem possible. Jasper Whitlock. The boy I'd had a crush on since the eighth grade. The boy with the beautiful face framed by blond longish waves, each always in its perfect place. The same boy who hardly spent a moment of his free time not in the company of his steady girlfriend.
He was straight, or so I thought. I, on the other hand, was one hundred percent gay, but nobody knew it except for my parents. They were disappointed, to say the least. Yet, they tried to support me. And they loved me no matter what.
Jasper and I had always been on the basketball team together, but had never really been friends. His lean frame, muscular thighs, and long graceful arms led us to victory time and time again. The town revered him. The team adored him, and I…well, I… I loved him a little, I guess.
I didn't want to be him like all the other boys. No. I wanted to be with him. For him to be mine and me to be his.
I kept my distance as much as possible, knowing that I couldn't be close to him without giving my less than platonic feelings and urges away. I tried my damnedest to ignore the electricity that crackled between us every time his eyes would drink me in. I tried even harder to ignore the reaction my body would have to him, every time.
I'd felt sure it to be palpable to everyone in the room. How did they not notice? How did they not feel the air become hot and heavy? How did they not feel time briefly stand still?
I would feel his attention, his sad and questioning blue eyes imploring me. I always looked away, waiting for him to divert his gaze, knowing when he did, as the feeling of cold and loneliness returned. I felt it every time.
Until that night.
Rubbing my temples, I attempt to rid myself of the memories of him.
I've been bombarded with them, as I always am during this time of year. When I suck it up and visit the town I've spent my entire adult life running from.
Fortunately, such memories are the farthest thing from my mind thirty minutes later when my current reality is truly sinking in. The reality in which I'll be sleeping at the airport tonight because there are no available hotel rooms. Dammit!
Head in hands, hands in hair, I pull at the auburn strands to the point of mild pain. I need to try to calm down the fuck down and just accept. I'm not the only person in this predicament, after all. I need to just relax and make the best of it. This too shall pass. The snow has slowed, and although I'm stuck here tonight, it looks like I'll make it the rest of the way home tomorrow. I can deal with this for one night.
Rubbing my temples yet again, I just about have myself calm and collected when a warmth settles over me; that familiar comfort I haven't felt in what seems like forever.
I peak through my fingers and see those same sapphire eyes looking at me, like they have so many times before. Can it really be him?
"Edward?" he asks, a surprised yet genuine smile transforming his face. A smile that reaches his beautiful eyes. A smile - that in all the times I stared at him during my youth - I only saw one time.
"Wow. It's … um… it's been a long time!"
I'm speechless, staring at an even more attractive version of the boy I once knew. He's filled out and gorgeous. His hair is a bit longer, curls caressing his cheeks. Dark, golden-blond like the color of the sand on the Atlantic Coast near my home.
The blue from my dreams stares back at me, just as he always did when he could no longer avert his gaze. Like he's seeing into my soul. Like he knows my deepest secrets. Of how I always wanted him, of how much our kiss meant to me, and of just how deep his rejection cut me.
I force myself to stand and offer my hand, the expected, polite greeting of an old acquaintance, right? Or perhaps I just want to the excuse to touch him again?
I feel his hand in mine. The spark - stronger than ever - makes my body tingle and almost stops my heart. I involuntarily jerk my hand back, leaving us standing awkwardly, staring at one another like the strangers that we are. The silence between us is loaded. Why are there still so many emotions swirling between us after all of the years? Because of one stupid kiss? Because of the throng of kisses we didn't get to continue to share?
He looks at my mouth before speaking. I try hard to concentrate on what he's saying over the ringing in my ears.
"You look... wow, you're a sight for sore eyes, Edward!"
I feel myself blushing? Am I actually blushing? Good god, man… pull yourself together!
"You look well, yourself, Jasper. It's really good to see you. Are you travelling to Forks, too?" I hear myself speaking to him, asking him a question. How I hide my racing pulse from him, I don't know.
"Yes, I'm trying to, at least. I forgot my bag over there… this was supposed to be my gate. And then I saw you sitting there. Was this your flight, too?
Indeed, after all of these years, we were taking the same flight home. He asks me to have dinner with him at a restaurant in the airport. He's staying at the attached hotel, where he was fortunate enough to procure a room due to a cancellation. Plus, he'd arrived at the airport hours earlier.
I can't keep my eyes off him as we dodge weary travelers all the way to the restaurant. He looks incredible in his khakis and white button down. His fit physique shows through in every move he makes. I feel over-dressed in my charcoal grey pinstriped suit, not having had time to change this morning after an early meeting before catching my first flight from Washington, D.C. I'm a consultant for the Governor's Association, and taking a week off at Christmas was not an easy thing to do.
We wait at the bar for over an hour, and while we wait, we talk. We talk about where our lives have led over the last ten years, about our jobs. He's an accountant for a large pharmaceutical company in New York.
He tells me that he married Alice. I inwardly cringe at the mention of her name. She was such a sweet little thing, yet I always resented her for having what I didn't… who I didn't.
I hurt for him when he tells me, with pain in his eyes, that they recently divorced. The thought of him in pain causes me pain. But there is that twinge of relief that Alice isn't waiting for him at home.
We talk more than we ever did in high school. Yet, we avoid the topics of our youth, Forks, locker room gazes, and snowflake kisses. Neither one of us is ready to mention such complicated things. We may never be.
All the while, I bask in the melodic sound of his voice, and imagine getting to know this gentle man much better than I ever knew the boy he was.
I savor every second with him at the bar and throughout dinner, not knowing if I'll ever see him again. I remember far too well how he disappeared on me before. How we still had five months of school before graduation, yet it was as if I didn't exist to him, as if our stolen kisses hadn't happened.
After dinner, he again asks where I'm staying tonight, demanding a straight answer this time. When finally I admit that I couldn't get a room, that I'm planning on sleeping in a chair in the terminal - he adamantly insists that I share his room with him.
"Stay with me, Edward… please," he asks. I hear the emotion in his voice. It sounds like he's offering much more than just a place to sleep.
We definitely still have chemistry; it's tangible and impossible to ignore, swirling around us all evening. Yet, I don't know where he's at with his sexuality. If he is gay or bi, I get the feeling that he hasn't admitted it to himself. Plus, there is the fact that he was married to a woman until recently.
This is all running through my head while he waits, looking at me with what can only be hope in his eyes. Those damned mesmerizing eyes.
Finally, I realize something. The one thing that matters. That it really doesn't matter what his intentions are. I never had a choice once he asked me to "Stay…".
"I won't take no for an answer! You're staying with me," he adds with conviction in his voice. I melt at the way he smiles his crooked grin and presses his hand to the small of my back to urge me toward the elevators. I cannot refuse him.
He makes us vodka tonics from the mini-bar in his room and excuses himself to use the restroom. I take a sip and realize this makes my fourth of the night. I really should call it quits. I get kind of crazy when I'm drunk. I wouldn't want to lose control and attack my host. Or would I?
The room is nicely decorated, hotel style in rich browns and maroon. Two queen sized beds adorned with fluffy, luxurious bedding take up most of the space. I imagine us there, naked and entwined. The erection I've barely evaded all evening finally hardens in my pants to full mass in zero point two seconds.
Shit, shit, shit!
Frantically, I look around the room searching for anything that will avert my attention.
The remote! Where's the remote? Surely I can find the news or a program that'll deflate my hard-on!
The pictures above the beds of country scenes are very interesting… wait! That cloud looks like Jasper's mouth! Seriously?
I fear it's a lost cause and I'll have to leave before he emerges, when I see a pair of gloves on the desk next to his coat. They remind me of a pair of mine from a long time ago.
They can't be?
Not after all this time…
I slowly walk across the room toward them. I'm being silly. All gloves look the same, right?
I hesitantly pick them up.
They feel the same. They look the same, just slightly more worn. When I turn them over to look at the underside, I see my initials in hunter green on the wrist. EC. They are indeed my gloves. These are the gloves I lent him that night. And he still has them…?
I remember that night like it was yesterday…
I'd taken a walk to get out of the house, despite the biting cold and heavily falling snow. The Christmas Eve festivities with my family had become too much to take. My cousins' teasing about me not having a girlfriend, never having had a girlfriend, was infuriating to say the least. Embarrassing, too. Top it off with my parents' sad eyes and forced smiles… I practically ran from my house.
Not knowing where I was headed, I ended up at the park just down the street. Brushing the snow off the seat of a bench, I sat down.
I held my arms around myself, as if I was truly trying to hold myself together. Like I would literally fall apart under the strain of my existence. My world was closing in on me; in that moment, I didn't know how to face tomorrow.
Why did I have to like boys instead of girls? It had never brought me anything but pain.
I couldn't stop the tears from falling.
I wasn't alone for long, though. Crunching snow behind me pulled me from my lost and lonely thoughts, and I couldn't believe my eyes as a figure emerged from the darkness. Not just any figure, but he looked like an angel arriving just when I needed him the most. Barely illuminated by a distant lamp post, I saw that it was Jasper. The boy I wanted more than anything. The boy I avoided at all costs. His hair was damp from melting snow, cheeks rosy from the cold, wiping tears from his eyes as I did the same.
Recognition dawned on his face and he smiled. It didn't reach his eyes, though… it never did - but it was obvious he was happy to see me.
He sat down beside me without a word and there we sat together in silence for long moments, neither of us knowing what to say. Finally, he spoke. The sadness in his voice made me remove one glove and reach for his hand. His hand was ice cold; I found myself turning towards him, holding both his hands in both of mine to warm them. He willingly accepted and held on tight as he spoke of expectations and feelings of suffocation, of exhaustion from being the golden boy - constantly the perfect son and boyfriend.
"I had to get out of there. They don't know me… no one knows me. Except, you do, don't you? Somehow, you know me...?" he half stated and asked, searching my eyes for confirmation before dropping his gaze to my lips while licking his.
I watched his tongue swipe the pink, pouty flesh and found myself leaning closer, longing to taste that tongue and those perfect lips so badly. I was so fucking tired of fighting everything that felt right.
"I do know you, Jasper. I do…"
Removing his hands from mine to hold them instead, he questioned, "Why are you here?"
Honesty flowed freely from my lips and it felt so good. "My parents do know me, and they don't like what they know; they're frightened by what they see. They're disappointed in me. I'm not the son they want." I sighed and took a deep breath. The words hurt to say because they were the plain and awful truth. "I couldn't take it any longer. Just for a little while, I needed to get away."
His expression spoke of compassion; he seemed to feel my pain.
"I know you and I like what I see. Very much. Too much, really. I like you a lot, Edward."
With those words, he smiled the smile I only saw that one time, until today, that is. Pulling me closer, he looked back and forth between my eyes and my lips before asking the question I'll forever hear in my dreams. "Can I kiss you, Edward? I need to…"
I cut him off as my lips met his. Somehow, his plump lips felt so warm, despite our chilly surroundings. Warm and soft. He moaned into the kiss, our lips parted, and I felt his tongue play at the tip of mine.
I couldn't believe it was happening…my first kiss…with Jasper!
Our tongues moved together in unison, so easily, so right. Stoking a fire deep inside. I'd never imagined it could feel like that… mesmerizing and sweet, yet passionate and needy.
We became bolder, his hands in my hair, mine grasping his arms urgently.
I lost track of time as we explored one another's mouths, and bodies - as much as possible through heavy winter coats.
Yet, even the heat we were creating between us, for each other, because of each other – couldn't stave off the cold air. I felt him shivering, so I reluctantly pulled away. He looked dazed and utterly beautiful. But then reality set in.
I watched as he closed himself off to me again, as he stood and brushed the snow from his shoulders.
"I have to go back… I'm sorry."
I wondered if he was apologizing for the kiss or because he had to leave. Over the coming months, it became apparent that it was the kiss that he regretted. Unfortunately. Heart breakingly.
Before he left, I insisted he wear my gloves, that I had deeper pockets and he had much further to walk. He accepted, kissing my cheek. With an apologetic good-bye, he was gone from my life, as if our snowflake kisses on a bench in the park had never taken place. I spent the next five months wondering if they had.
Presently, I hear him clear his throat behind me, pulling me from my memories of the best and worst experience of my life. As I turn, I can't hide the look of shock on my face.
"You still have my gloves?" I ask the obvious, as I hold the gloves he's obviously kept in his possession these ten years. I know they're mine. He knows their mine.
"Of course, Edward…" He looks down, and then anywhere but at me. I'm speechless, while this sinks in. Did that night… our kiss mean to him what it did to me? Could it have? Even considering how he ignored me afterwards? And carried on with Alice as if he was madly in love with her?
"What… why? You acted as if that night didn't happen, as if I didn't matter? You moved away with Alice," I ask, unable to hide the hurt in my voice.
"Yes, I did. I loved her, I really did. I still do. Just not enough... I wanted that picture perfect life with a wife and kids, and my parents wanted that for me, too. I naively thought I could do it for us all. So I followed her to college. I thought if I went on as if nothing had happened between you and me, that maybe I could forget you. I thought Alice and I could move forward with our plans and be happy. And we were for a while, but there was always something missing. Eventually, it caught up with us and we couldn't keep pretending."
Is he saying what I think he's saying?
I begin pacing around the room. It's suddenly too small for me. For me and him together like this. For my hopes and fears.
I've spent so much time trying to find my life without him. Now, suddenly he's right in front of me. Trying to tell me things that I need to hear, but don't want to at the same time.
"What's been missing from your life, Jasper? What are you trying to say?" I hold my breath. I hope he says it's me, that I'm what has been missing. I must admit I'm hoping that's his answer to my very loaded question.
Clearing his throat, he rubs the back of his neck. His disposition visibly transforms as he stands taller with a look of determination. Taking a deep breath, he answers.
"Men, I guess. A man… you? You're what's been missing." His cheeks blush scarlet. Beautiful.
"Oh," is my lame reply. That's all I can say? Oh?
He chuckles, deep and warm. My body responds to the sound of him happy and at ease. I want him now more than I ever have, if that's possible.
I give into sudden exhaustion from the past few minute's revelations, sitting on the edge of the closest bed. He follows me, standing just in front of me, smiling with his reply. "Yes... Oh. So needless to say, things became complicated. I went from bi to gay. Our intimacy ceased to exist. We're still friends. We'll always love each other and be there for each other, but it's... strained."
"Yeah, I guess it would be."
Now with the awkward. He joins me, sitting on the bed beside me. Close. He's so close.
And then he speaks again. I have to try really hard to concentrate, to soak in his words, with him sitting right beside me, smelling and looking as good as he does.
"I don't know what I have to offer right now. I'm just now finding my way…. this will be my first visit home in a long time, during which I hope to get up the nerve to tell my parents that their only son is gay."
I reach for his hand. It feels so good to hold it again after all these years.
Finding out he has feelings for me, that he did all along and I didn't imagine it – has me feeling what can only be described as ecstatic. But he's not ready for anything real with me. I fear my heart won't survive if I lose him again.
He leans closer. I can feel his breath on my cheek as he speaks. "But meeting you here like this? I can't believe it… it has to be meant to be. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'd really like to be with you tonight. And then maybe… would you want to see me some? New York isn't that far from D.C."
"Yes!" I blurt out, a little too enthusiastically. Or maybe a lot. "But how about we start with tonight, okay? I can't pass up another chance with you… even though you broke my heart."
I speak without thinking. Again with the honesty. He drew it from me as a boy, and has the same effect on me as a man. Which is good, because if we're going to do this, I have to be honest with him. And I have to protect myself. He's not out. And he could easily change his mind.
"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to kiss you and then ignore you. I was confused. I shouldn't have let that happen between us. I knew I wouldn't leave Alice, that I couldn't leave her. But I couldn't help myself. I'd wanted you for so long, and then there you were when I needed you the most."
"Shhhh… It's okay. I get it. Just kiss me again already."
He smiles at my candor and then he does just that - he kisses me. Finally. Again. After all of these years. At first softly; with barely there kisses that tickle my lips. His lips feel the same, his moans sound the same, and we fall into open-mouth kisses almost immediately. I hadn't imagined it all these years… his mouth is made for mine.
I move to lay him back on the bed when he tenses in my arms.
"You okay? We can stop…"
"No!" His yell startles me. It startles him, too.
He gently cups my face in his hands as he lowers his voice to almost a whisper. "What I mean to say is that… I want this… with you… tonight. Please? I've wanted this since sophomore year, when I realized how you affected me."
Oh, how I've wanted you, how I want this too… so much!
"That's good, because I want this, too. But I have you beat–– I've wanted you since the eighth grade."
He looks so adorable blushing beneath me. He feels even better laughing beneath me, the vibrations travelling through his body, into mine. I can't help but grind my hardening cock against his leg. He groans, but then tenses again.
I beg him to tell me why he's so nervous; when he tells me, I feel like such an ass. He's not been with a man, except for our kiss. He admits to watching a lot of gay porn, but never experiencing another man first hand. With the divorce just recently final, he hasn't worked up the nerve to explore his new life. He makes me smile when he tells me he was hoping… even planning on working up the nerve to look me up.
I suggest that we take it slow… that we just cuddle and kiss, tonight. He seems relieved and disappointed at the same time. Until we start the cuddling and kissing. He quickly forgets his disappointment as he moans and writhes beneath me, me between his legs. We're both so hard and grinding against each other, and fuck, I don't want to stop. It's so hard to take it slow. I'm finally with Jasper. The last thing I want to do is hold back.
Thank god he begs me to keep going, to not stop. So I enjoy the best cuddle session I've ever experienced. Who knew cuddling could feel this good?
"This feels so good, Ed… Edward… please touch me," he begs.
He's gasping and grasping; he has my shirt off and my pants unzipped. Somehow, I'm half undressed, but he's still fully clothed? I quickly remedy that by unbuttoning his shirt and khakis. Lying beside him, I tell him not to fret, that I'll take care of him.
"Shhh, baby. Just relax. I'll touch you and make you feel good."
I slip my hand inside his pants, inside his jockeys. Just as I wrap my hand around his thick and hard-as-steel cock, I feel his hand around my equally rigid and almost as large cock.
Jasper has his hand on me… there! And my hand is on him there, too …simultaneously jacking each other off?! Just… fuck! But in such a good way. Yes, a very good, fuck!
"How about we touch each other?" he groans against my neck. I moan my approval and then claim his mouth, kissing him deeply. Stroking him firmly, spreading his pre-cum with every pass. He's leaking profusely… and it turns me on so fucking much!
Soon, I have him trembling against me. I'm so close, but desperately need to get him off first. I know he's close when he starts mumbling that he's going to cum. He holds on to me, his cock pulsing in my hand. I'm expecting screams, but instead hear the sweetest mewling sounds coming from his open mouth. It's the most erotic sound I've ever heard and I hope to hear it many more times.
He begins stroking me again. . His warm cum all over my dick lubricates his embrace. "Cum for me, Edward," he commands, and I do. All over us both, long and hard.
I feel completely spent and sated, and with this sweet man in my arms, I begin dozing off - drying cum be damned. I wake to him slipping from my embrace. I beg him not to go, fearing he'll disappear on me again. But he doesn't. He's back within minutes with a washcloth to clean us both. He strips me to my boxers, removes his pants, and helps me under the covers. My next conscious thought is when my phone is ringing at six am.
It's the airline. They have a flight for me at noon, and as it turns out, Jasper is on the same flight home. We spend a couple hours in bed doing the innocent kissing and cuddling we'd agreed to last night. Finally, we drag ourselves from bed, with raging hard-ons, no less.
Showering separately is frustrating, but it has its benefits. I'm able to bring myself relief in record time with body-wash and the knowledge that sexy Jasper, who just happens to also be into me, is in the next room.
I swear I hear moaning and a muffled cry of my name when it's his turn in the shower. Fuck…
We manage to sit together on the flight to Seattle, where we share a rental car for the drive to Forks. He'll have his parents bring him back to the airport for his return flight, or maybe I'll talk him into letting me, seeing as I don't leave till the following day. We'll see.
I'm surprised when he holds my hand between us on the plane, and then again the entire drive to Forks. But he grows increasingly quieter. His leg bounces non-stop and he repeatedly runs his free hand through his hair. He's nervous and I feel so helpless. I don't want him to be so distressed. I wish I could make this easier for him.
I pull in his parents' driveway, not expecting a kiss good-bye out in plain sight like we are, but he pulls me to him by my shirt and lays one on me that leaves me weak in the knees. Thank god I'm sitting. I try to shake the feeling that he's kissing me good-bye…good-bye for good.
No. This is a 'see you soon' kiss, I reassure myself.
It's as if he can read my thoughts.
"This isn't 'good-bye', babe. Just 'see you later'. I promise you, Edward. I won't desert you again. I just don't know how long 'later' will be. I have some things to sort out before we can continue what we've started."
"I understand. Take the time you need. I've waited ten years for you… what difference is a little more time going to make?"
I put on a brave face and fight the urge to beg him to hurry. I don't warn him that my bruised heart can't wait too long. I bite my tongue and watch him walk up his sidewalk, away from me again. He turns to wave just before he disappears inside, the smile he's shown me since yesterday gone, replaced again by the one that doesn't reach his eyes.
Stay tuned… one more chapter will be up soon, in the next week or two.
Thanks so much for reading. Let me know what you think, please?! :-)
Yulliah made an awesome banner for this story. It's on my fb profile and my tmblr. Married Myedward on fb, luckytomarriedmyedward -dot- tmblr -dot- com