Disclaimer: All characters belong to all mighty Joss.
Written Date: 8/2/2002
Spoilers: Some time in Season 6, or could be 7, as long as Faith's still in jail.
Author's Notes: I went through all the files in my old pc and I found this. It is one of my first fics, ever, not that I've written a lot. In fact I've written it such a long time ago, back in 2002, that I've forgotten if I really wrote it. So please tell me if I've actually taken somebody else's work and claimed it's mine :D It's funny that I wrote all this back then when I've never been in a relationship.
Feedback: Please tell me honestly what you think of this fic. I like honesty. I've read so many Fuffy fics that I thought I gave it a try, but I might suck.
Dedication: To all the unrequited lovers out there.
I'm not good with relationship. I don't know what happened. I thought that someday I'd meet the perfect person that I'll love with every beat of my heart and that person will love me even more. I know that sounds kinda selfish, but that's what they always say, find someone that will love you more. That way, you'll never get hurt, or so they say. I thought I've found the right person when I met Angel. He's tall, dark and handsome. Every thing that a girl wants, well, except for the vampire bit. But when it's love, it's love. Nothing can stop it. It comes when you least expected, it'd take you to heaven and hell. That's what I felt when I was with Angel. Every day is a like the end of the world. You see, I'm a slayer and he's a vampire. It's ironic isn't it? I suppose to slay them, not to love them. But that's what happened. I fell in love, with a vampire named Angel. Heh, that's another irony. Anyway, I loved him with my whole heart, body and soul. I gave him every bit of it. Not a good idea. It's so happened that he's cursed by the Gypsy that he'll lose his soul if he found his true happiness. All those time that he has became a vampire with a soul, he finally found his true happiness when we made love. He became evil after that and tried to kill my family and friends. So I did what I'm supposed to do. I slay. In this case, I stick a sword in his heart, which didn't kill him but I sent him to Hell. I thought that I could never love again. I've given what everything that I have. Unfortunately, he came back from Hell, with a soul. Maybe I should say 'fortunately'. I don't know. It complicated things. Probably it's better if he's totally out of my life. But we knew better not to get too close. It's really hard. I still loved him and he loved me. Finally, he made the right decision for both of us, he left, to LA, close but not too close. I still think he loves me even until today, even though I haven't heard from him after our brief union when I was brought back to Hell, I mean to Earth. So that's a close chapter.
Parker. Nothing much to say. That's one of my biggest mistakes. I trusted someone too quickly. I should have learned my lesson after all the betrayal that I've received. I didn't know what I was thinking. I needed somebody to want me, and he wanted me that night. And I gave it to him. But it was just my body. I thought my heart went along with it. After I got dumped, or after I realized that he just wanted my body, it broke my heart, even though I didn't really give it. I felt used. I knocked his head, twice, and that ended it.
Riley. He came at the right time. I was still sad that Angel left me, used by Parker and Riley's like the perfect ordinary guy, except for the Initiative thing. I loved him, I did. It's just not as much as Angel. I didn't give my heart wholeheartedly and he can't accept that. He wanted it all, my heart, my body, my soul. I thought that I've given him enough, but it's never enough. So he left me for some military mission in South America. I was hurt for a while. I kept thinking what was wrong with me that I can't even keep a guy. He came back, with a wife. Not that pretty but nice girl though. It's funny though that I was not even hurt by it. Okay, maybe a little. For a while I thought he's it. He's the guy that I'll spend my whole life with, not that it'll be that long. But I was kidding myself. Xander's right, he's convenient. That's all he was to me. He's there when I needed him and I always hoped that he'll not get in my way at other times. So how can I spend my whole life with him when I don't even want him most of the times? It's really over between us and I don't even need any closure for that.
Spike. He's the biggest mistake in my life. I don't even know if I should call it a relationship. I used him and he used me, except that he really loved me. I gave him my body but I can't ever give him my heart. I was so hollow and I didn't feel anything. I thought that it'd help me by being with him. I was really stupid. Can't I think of a better solution than to sleep with him? He wanted more than that though, but I can't ever love him, not when my heart belongs to somebody else.
And then there was Faith. What was our relationship? It's hard to categorize it. We're friends, then we're enemies, and then we're nothing. She's in jail now, serving her sentence. I think that's very brave of her. I can't ever do that. I don't think I'll survive. I've survived this long because of all the supports from my family and friends. She's survived this long by being alone and because she's a survivor. I've never visited her. Angel kept me informed. I've never asked, he just felt that I should know. But what he didn't know and what everyone didn't know is that my heart belongs to her. I didn't know when it happened and how exactly it happened, it just did. Probably some time when she first came to Sunnydale, when we're still friends. I fell for her, I didn't know or understand what I was feeling at that time. Besides, there's always Angel on the back of my head. I felt it again when she woke up from her coma even though I was with Riley at that time. So I pushed it deep down. The whole time I was with Spike, I kept hoping that it's her. I'm sure then that I won't be that hollow. She doesn't know this, and she never will. What's the point? She's gonna be there for another 10 years, and by then I'll be…dead. Sure I can go there right now and tell her how I feel, and somehow I feel that she feels the same way for me. I don't want to speculate anything but I've seen the way she looked at me and all the sexual innuendoes that were directed to me. I just didn't think much about it at that time, well, because of Angel and I didn't want to complicate things. So what happened next after I told her how I feel? More complications. What will we do? She'll break out from jail and we'll go somewhere and live happily ever after? This is not a movie. There's no 'happily ever after' for us. So why give her this hope? And why give me this hope? It's better this way.