Thank you, God, for everything.
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Doctor Who. *Yippeddy-yada about author's note* God bless you!
The three followed Simon to a large doorway, which they quickly peeked into. The Doctor grinned and said, taking in the wires and the cameras and the set with all the people rushing about and a janitor quickly sweeping the floor, "Well, this should be brilliant."
"Looks fantastic," Amy said, nodding approvingly.
"Get it, c'mon, we've got a schedule to keep," Simon said, and the three hurried into the studio.
Rory turned around and round and said, "First time ever on a TV set. Okay, it's pretty cool."
"That doesn't sound grand enough to describe it," Amy said. She spun around and said, cocking her head, "Oh, c'mon, be more eloquent than that, Mr. Pond. It's grand, fantastic, huge, amazing, wondrous-"
"The mere fact that you find this peasant-y Earth Hollywood studio far more fascinating than the planets of Zurraba or the palace of the Fallen Queen on the island of Tanhu in the Sixth Galaxy finds me thinking I've underwhelmed you before, Pond," the Doctor said, playing with his hair in a long, floor length mirror.
"Oh, Doctor, you know I love those places," Amy said.
The Doctor smirked. "Oh, I know, Pond."
James Peering came through the door, capturing their attention, and said, clapping his hands, "All right, everyone, into positions!"
"Wait, what, positions?" Amy said, looking confused. "What positions?"
"I haven't a clue," Rory said, looking confused.
The Doctor sighed at the Ponds' ignorance and turning from the mirror, marched up to Amy and grabbed the stack of paper from her hand. "Honestly, Pond, they've literally spelled it out for you!" he said, turning the page to the kitchen arguing scene. He grinned to himself at his genius and nearly forced the manuscript back into Amy's hands, saying proudly, tapping his finger against the first sentence, "It's right there."
Amy looked at it and nodding, said, "Okay," and she shoved the papers back into the Doctor's hands and hurried across the room to the kitchen by the sink.
Rory came up to the Doctor, leaning toward him and saying, "Hey, do we have any appearances in this scene?"
"Can't you read? Honestly, Rory," the Doctor said. He held out Amy's script and pointed, saying, "Look, you're on the couch the entire time, eating crisps. I enter after the two of them make up and wonder what the hell is going on."
"Oh, simple enough," Rory said.
"Yes, so, Roman, positions!" the Doctor said, nodding, and he threw the script at Rory, who somehow caught it.
Beside Rory came up Levi, who was wearing his alien helmet. "Oh, you're new," Levi said.
"Yeah. Just got hired, actually," Rory said, laughing a little breathlessly.
"Cool. I'm Levi," and the alien offered his hand.
Rory shook it, saying, "I'm Rory."
"Levi, c'mon, thirty seconds!" James yelled from his director's chair.
"Coming," Levi said, and he rushed to the set. The kitchen had a back door that was just the left of the set, and he stood outside the door, ready to go in when the director called, "Action!"
Amy looked around the kitchen uncertainly as the props man put down objects on the counter and whispered her instructions before leaving, and the director said, "Amy, Amy, hold the knife. You're cutting up an onion."
"Onion?" Amy said incredulously, grabbing the vegetable from the props basket next to her. "Excuse me, but divas do NOT cut up onions."
"What do they cut up that makes them cry, then?" the director said.
"Fine," Amy said, rolling her eyes as she poised a knife over the onion, which was on a cutting board. "Say action, boyo."
"Okay, twenty seconds," the director called, and Rory rushed to the couch of the living room, where a bowl of crisps was waiting on the coffee table. Uncertain as to what he was expected to do, he took up the bowl and set it on his lap and tentatively started to eat them. The telly in front of him was turned on to a very small volume to give the illusion he was actually watching it.
The stage manager counted down from his fingers, and the director called through his megaphone, "Action!"
The camera turned a red light on and the microphone grew closer. Amy sighed dramatically and said, cutting up the onion, "That stupid, sentimental, ugly, judgmental, insulting jerk Alien! The next time I see him, he's getting it!" A squirt of onion juice hit her in the eye, and Amy squealed and touched a hand to her eye, making look like she was crying.
The door behind her opened, and the Alien came in, saying, "Oh my gosh, Diva! What's making you so sad?"
"Nothing, it's the onion!" Amy said.
"Sureeeee it is," the Alien said, sounding almost amused at her coverup, and there was a pause in the conversation where studio laughter would be inserted.
"I'm serious, go away, Alien!" Amy said harshly.
"No, I can't. I just can't leave it like we did," Alien said.
"You did then," Amy said. "You went to your mother's."
A pause with the Alien wearing an incredulous look on his face. Amy wiped at her eyes and said, glaring at the Alien, "Why did you come back? I'm kind of hating you at the moment."
"Because I love you, Diva," the Alien said, and as Amy had remembered, she was just supposed to lower her sunglasses and flick her hair behind her shoulder, but instead, the Alien rushed forward and kissed her soundly on the lips with his own fake ones. Rory looked over the side of the sofa, astounded, and the Doctor came easily into the scene through the back door, having not seen what had just went down, and said, "Well, how's things-" and he saw the two, and he let out a very surprised, girlish scream, and said, "What the hell are you two doing!?" and rushed forward, walking circles around them, trying to frantically think of a way to get them apart.
Amy let out a frantic noise, like she was drowning, and pulled away, looking shocked and gulping back bile.
"Seriously, though, what WAS THAT?" the Doctor said, looking from the aghast Amy to the Alien, who looked undeterred.
The director sighed and yelled, "Cut!"
Rory immediately got up, pushing the Alien roughly away from him, an almost murderous sort of look on his face, and went to Amy, quickly gripping his hands gently on her shoulders. "Amy, are you okay?" he said.
Amy nodded quickly and said, frantically moving her hands, "I swear, Rory, I wasn't expecting that!"
Rory just nodded slightly and put his forehead against hers. He took a deep breath as the director hurried to the Doctor, who said sternly, "I should have you know I am only allowing Amelia to kiss Rory, not some alien!"
"It's in the script," the director said, holding out a script stack. He flipped to that scene and said slowly, annoyed, "You need just TURN the page to the conclusion of the scene. Have none of you noticed it at the top of the page?"
The Doctor looked sheepish as he said, turning to be side by side with James, "Well, I suppose I missed that bit."
"Obviously," Amy said from behind Rory.
"Well, it's - just - take five, people, and be better prepared for the scene next time," James said. "Come on, we've got a schedule to keep."
That was when Rory turned from Amy, her fingers still trying to clasp his, and to James, said, "Um, excuse me. This scene can't just work like this."
"Oh, yes, it does," James said. He waved his hands and said, "The Alien and the Diva are in a romantic relationship-"
"Yeah, you're going to have to write out that kiss and add a love triangle, then," Rory said.
"Oh, plot twist!" the Doctor said, nodding approvingly, looking childishly delighted. "Keep the audience on their toes. Albeit, an overused cliché, but who the hell cares?" He threw his hands in the air and seemed satisfied with himself.
Rory turned to James and said, "What he said." His voice grew more stern as he added, "I'm not having anyone else KISS my WIFE."
"The script-" James started.
Rory gave him a death glare.
"Yes, better listen to the Roman. He's not afraid to, you know, get feisty," the Doctor said, brandishing his fists and punching the air lightly in emphasis.
"That's okay, Doctor," Amy said, putting a hand on her friend's shoulder. She looked to the director and cocked her head. "Yeah, though. He's not afraid to tear you apart, 'ey, Rory?"
Rory didn't say a word.
Amy nodded confidently and tilting her glasses down on her nose, said, "Better listen, boyo."
The director was about to say something, but instead there was a powerful hissing noise, making the Doctor hold out his arms and say, "Quick, everybody, stop moving!"
Everyone froze, looking fearful, and the Doctor said, "Did anyone else hear that? Sort of hiss-y sound or whatever, sounded AWFULLY suspicious to me?"
"Shouldn't we run then?" Rory said loudly, holding up his hands like he was being arrested.
"Yeah, that's sort of what we normally do," Amy said.
"Ah, yes, but OBSERVE, Ponds, we don't know what we're running FROM," the Doctor said, spinning slowly around, bending down slightly and craning his neck for something. He smiled and said, "Well, that'd be sort of stupid, running away from something you haven't seen to be able to run from it!"
"Doctor!" Amy said, and then her arms started to jerk. She grunted and tried to keep them still but then her legs started to act up, and she said even more loudly, "Doctor!"
"Oh, fascinating," the Doctor said, stepping towards Amy.
"Oh, great, he finds this fascinating," Amy said sarcastically when suddenly Levi and Rory started to do the same, which was hard for the both of them in their hard costumes.
"You're reacting to something," the Doctor said.
"Yeah, no kidding!" Rory said loudly, sounding annoyed.
"I can't stop it! Make me stop, Doctor!" Amy said.
"You want me to? Fine!" the Doctor said loudly, getting as annoyed as Rory, and he reached out and grabbed Amy's hands, trying as he could with his thin muscles to stop her from jerking around. "I'm trying it your way; it's not working!"
"We have to get out of here," Amy said loudly, as the director and camera crew began become overcome by the jerking motions as well. "Doctor, this is getting serious, we can't control ourselves!"
"You can walk, can't you? Okay, so much for my plan, everyone listen to Queen Bee Amy and let's run!" the Doctor said, pointing to the exit and running to it.
"We CAN'T run, Doctor," Rory reminded him.
The Doctor peered around the exit's door and said, "Well, hop around then, if you can."
"Doctor! Come on!" Rory said.
The Doctor sighed and said, walking in, "Seriously, come on, Ponds, out out out out!" He pointed to the crew and the director and said, "You all shoo, too. I'm the Geek, and the Geek has some alien investigation."
"It's alien?" Amy said while Levi looked properly horrified.
"More than likely, always ends up being alien, Amelia," the Doctor said as all the people managed to start their way out the door.
He peered around the kitchen and just pulled out his screwdriver and began to pick up traces of an odorless and invisible gas when Amy shouted, "Doctor!"
"What, Amy?" the Doctor shouted back.
"It's happening all over the studio, you MAY want to come quick!"
The Doctor dashed off the set.
Thanks for reading! I'mma going to watch David Copperfield from 1999, which has about 20% of Britain's actors and actresses in it. God bless you!