Today, like every December 7th, I get to remember how I lost him. The date when he left us. The time when I lost a husband and little Rachel a father. We still have his friends, but my life isn't the same without him. I miss that blast of joy and childishness from his adult body. Is he alright, wherever he is?
Dougie Poynter was my patient when he entered rehab. I was just graduated from psychology shcool. I fell in love with him since the first time I got into his room, and I know that he felt the same way too. I help him to get over his tormented depression which led him to drugs and alcohol, plus trying to end his life five times. Even though at first our relationship was only as friends, and though I had to watch him date that artist called Lara, my heart was always with him, and his was always with me. But I shouldn't be the one to tell his story. I'm reading,due to the anniversary, his diary. The one he wrote during that times, before getting better. So now you can read the story from his point of view.
How awful is what we're watching. Damn it, why does Frankie like Glee? I snort, annoyed, but she doesn't seem to notice. Come on, pay some attention to me! But she doesn't, she is too focused looking to our plan. We are lying on our bed after we had dinner. Outside it's raining, it's one of those horrible nights here in , more than horrible, it's all strong wind and heavy rain. She whispers songs as she grabs my hand under the sheets. I kiss her neck and she laughs. I love her. I had never loved someone like I love her. I huddle by her side and she hugs me. I put my head on her chest and close my eyes. I imagine us married, having kids, a big house with a big garden. The dogs running behind our girls, and our boys playing with the lizards. I see myself dying by her side, growing old while holding hands. I love Frankie, I love her with all my heart. She runs his hand through my hair, which makes me sleepy. I fall absolutely asleep by her side, as I feel how she gives me a soft kiss in my lips.
The next morning I wake up and I'm alone. Frankie must be rehearsing with her band already, or that's what I figure. I head to the bathroom and open the shower. I take a hot shower that relaxes my shoulders and makes me sing. When I'm finished, I dry myself quickly with a towel and go downstairs to the kitchen. I open the fridge and take the milk. I go to the cupboard and take a cereal bowl and my favourite chocolate cereal. I don't rush to have breakfast because the recording of the new CD doesn't start until midday. Then I leave the dirty bowl and spoon in the sink and head to the room where my lizards and iguanas stay.I gave them their breakfast and clean the cages cos it disgusts Frankie.
When I'm done I get back to the kitchen. I open the fridge, bored, and see some beer bottles. Grabing them, I make my way to the living room. I sit in the couch after leaving the bottles on the coffee table and rest my feet beside them. While I'm looking for something to watch, I start drinking the beers, one after another. When I was finished I felt dizzy.. how many did I have? I blink, confused, and then lay on the couch and rest.
Nightmares, surrounding me. I couldn't scape. I was screaming, asking for help, but nobody would rescue me. I wake up and realise that everthing was a bad dream. I rub my hair and go outside to have a smoke. I look at the time, shit, twenty minutes ago I was supposed to be in the studio. I go find my phone and see the miss calls Harry, Danny and Tom. Crap, now they are gonna get mad at me. I took the keys of my van and rushed to it.
When I get in, Tom looks at me.
-Well, finally you decide to come Poynter. Recording started twenty minutes ago- says furious.
-I'm sorry- I whisper while grabbing my bass.—I fell asleep –said as an excuse, which was somehow true. Danny opens his mouth , willing to give some of his tyipical comments.-No, I wasn't having sex with Frankie, she wasn't home. – He laughs.
Tom sends us to the studio while taking his guitar. I love this three idiots. I can't imagine life without any of them. What would my life be if destiny didn't put us together? That was something that had always worried me, but shaking my head and seeing them there, I know that everything is okay.
We leave the studio around nine. I stop by a pizza place and buy a muzzarella and pepperoni pizza and a coke. I drive back to home and surprisingly there's no one there.
-Frankie, I'm home!- I yell, cos maybe she's in our room. I don't get an answer. I walk to the kitchen and leave the keys on the table, then I get a text message from her. She says she's staying over a bandmate's house. Great, more pizza for me. I take more beer from the fridge and sit alone in the living room, my only company her annoying white cat and the sound from the tv.
A few days ago, I don't know why, but I was hating my life, I hated it. Many times the thought of suicide came to my head, but I couldn't do it. When I finish eating, I throw away the pizza boxes and take a couple of bottles to my room. I take off my t-shirt and the jeans and leave them beside the bed. I lay down and turn the tv on, but I fall asleep right away and dream, one more time, about dying.