People said God loved him, even he, himself did. Allen wondered if he really did.
He had been born with a disfigured left arm that set him apart from everyone else since his first day alive. His parents hated him and treated him like trash before they finally abandoned him when he was seven in the middle of winter in no man's land. And where ever Allen went as soon as they saw his arm they called him a demon and before he knew it there was an angry mob chasing him.
He lived for about a year out on the streets before he joined a traveling circus like the freak he was. And that was where the overly defensive, provocative boy had met the man that had changed his life, Mana. He'd loved and appreciated him like no one else ever had only to be ripped away from him.
And there he was mourning and alone, sitting by the grave of the only person who'd ever cared for him. And then the Earl had appeared. Allen had at the time thought that his situation couldn't possibly become worse and he was proven fatally wrong. Ecstatic and hopeful at the chance of bringing the man he viewed as a father back to life Allen had readily agreed.
And then Mana had started yelling and he had been ready to kill Allen and then his horrible, horrible arm had become big and even more frightening and it had started moving on its own and it killed Mana.
He. Killed. Mana.
And for a long time Allen was convinced that a monster was attached to him. A monster that killed other people including Mana and if he moved it would kill him as well and he couldn't run because it was attached to his body and he was too afraid of angering it to move or try and bite of his arm so he just sat there, curled up in front of Mana's grave not even blinking. He'd killed Mana.
And then of Cross had come along and generally made his life a living Hell. But at least he stopped fearing that his arm was going to kill him. Though he didn't stop fearing his arm. Every time he was in the presence of other human beings his heart was secretly thudding as he hoped with all of his heart that his arm would flip out and kill whoever was in front of him.
Especially around Kanda.
He loved Kanda.
He was as sure of this fact as he was sure that that huge shining thing hanging suspended in the sky was called sun. And so whenever he was around him he nearly went into a full blown panic attack. He would scowl and yell and hurl insults at Kanda hoping that he'd take a hint and leave him alone so that he'd be safe from him because Allen was a monster.
But Kanda didn't take a hint. He got mad at him and hurled insults and fist right back at him but he didn't leave. He never leaved. It seemed like whenever he turned around there Kanda was scowling at him with an insult already slipping through his beautiful lips.
It was terrifying.
And so the answer was no, Allen was quite sure that God didn't love him because if he did then Allen wouldn't have horrible parents, a horrible guardian, have the only person that ever loved him ripped away from him painfully twice, a horrible gnawing sensation in the pit of his stomach that was constantly there and the knowledge that he was a monster and the constant fear that he'd fly off the handle at any second and go on a killing spree and knowing that he was always endangering the man he loved.
Allen often had nightmares of this happening. He dreamt about him killing Mana, he dreamt about him killing Lenalee and Lavi, Komui, Marie, Miranda, Krory, Jimmy and worst of all Kanda.
He definitely didn't want to hurt Kanda. If he killed Kanda it would destroy him. He would go back to the motionless lump he'd been after he'd killed Mana except this time he'd never go back to normal. Never.
Sometimes he wondered if God even existed.