Hey, hey, hey, look at me! Chapter five is kicking my ass, but hopefully it will be up sometime next week! :)
Blaine sighs softly as he lies awake in bed, his arm wrapped around his sub. Kurt only snuggles deeper into his chest, letting out a quiet, content breath and Blaine can't help the tears gathering at his eyes.
It's Thursday morning, and everyone in his office was given the day off knowing they would need it. There are too many subs and doms in his workplace who are going to have an emotional day today, the CEO decided everyone just needed a long weekend to help with adjustment.
"At least he knows what he's doing," Blaine thinks bitterly to himself.
Kurt groans beneath him and stretches before looking up to Blaine and smiling softly.
"Good morning, Sir. Why didn't your alarm go off?"
"I-I'm not working today, remember?" Blaine asks, hoping the worry doesn't sound through his voice.
Kurt looks down again and draws random patterns into Blaine's chest. "Oh yeah… that."
Blaine hates that he has to put Kurt through this; that the president is forcing them to go through this incredibly emotional time without any sense of direction or understanding of the word time.
"Sweetheart, I hate to do this, but I want to do it as soon as possible to help you have more time to get used to it."
"Yes, Sir." Blaine doesn't comment on that issue yet. One step at a time.
"Alright baby, do you want breakfast before or after?"
"After Sir. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it down if you take my collar off before."
Blaine understands, so he gently pushes Kurt up, sliding slowly out of the bed and go into their living room, Blaine wanting to save Kurt's knees from their wood flooring.
Kurt practically falls to his knees, head bowed in perfect submission as Blaine makes his way over and runs soothing fingers through Kurt's hair and gently tugs to make Kurt look at him. Kurt whines softly, but still meets Blaine's eyes, Kurt's blues shining with unshed tears.
Blaine really doesn't know what to do at that point. There's really no process for this type of thing, and Blaine never really thought of it because he didn't think that he would have to remove Kurt's collar.
"Okay, Kurt," Blaine sighs, scratching lightly at Kurt's scalp. "I need you to remember that I'm not doing this because I have stopped loving you. I'm doing this against my power in order to keep both of us safe. But nothing can ever stop me from loving you, sweetheart. Do you understand?"
"Yes Sir," Kurt replies softly, bowing his head slightly as his shoulders jerk forward and a sob escapes from his lips.
Blaine kneels in front of Kurt and cups his subs face in his own hands, kissing him softly, their tears mixing together on their lips.
"I love you, my beautiful boy. I love you so much."
"I love you too, Sir. Please, let's just get this over with?" It comes out as a question, proving that Kurt still can't demand Blaine to do something.
"Okay, baby." Blaine takes the key from around his neck and lifts his hands to wind around Kurt's neck and finds the lock, not letting his eyes leave Kurt's. Kurt only nods at the silent question and soon the collar is being released around his neck and falls to the ground beside them.
Kurt bows low, resting his head in Blaine's lap as sobs erupt from his throat. He turns on his side, his legs coming up close to his chest as his hand covers his mouth.
Blaine feels helpless as he strokes Kurt's hair back, trying to keep his own tears behind his eyes. That's that, he realizes. After Kurt wearing the collar for four years, it is no longer there. He can no longer tug on it slightly when he needs Kurt's full attention, he can't hear the slight whimper it elicits from Kurt. It's all gone; nothing but memories.
Blaine readjusts them, his legs and feet tingling with the double weight on them, sitting cross legged with Kurt's head pillowed on Blaine's thigh as Blaine leans against the back of the couch, dipping his head back so it rests on the seat of the couch. He closes his eyes as he continues to stroke Kurt's hair and neck, already missing the leather feeling of the collar.
Blaine doesn't know what will happen in the days to come, doesn't know what will become of them. But he will do anything he can for his hurting sub — boyfriend. What was it?
Blaine is slightly startled when Kurt grips his other thigh tightly, his breathing picking up speed.
"Kurt, Kurt I need you to — can you sit up for me?" Blaine tries his hardest not to command him to do anything, making it sound like a request rather than an order.
Kurt sits up slowly, his hand going up to grasp his chest as the other continues to cling to Blaine's thigh, surely leaving a bruise.
"Okay baby, can you take deep breaths for me? Deep, deep breaths, yeah that's it." Kurt takes a slow, almost looking to be painful breath in and lets it out, closing his eyes as he concentrates on his breathing.
"Good job, continue to do that, alright? I'm going to grab you some water. I'll be right back."
Blaine practically sprints to the kitchen, grabs a bottle of water and races back to the living room to see Kurt resting his head against the couch with his eyes closed as he continues to focus on his breathing.
"Good b — good, Kurt. You're doing great." Kurt opens his eyes, tears continuing to form as Blaine lifts the bottle to his lips. Kurt tilts his head back and takes a sip. "What else can I do for you, Beautiful?" If anything, Blaine would not let go of the title for Kurt. Not for anyone.
Kurt shakes his head and crawls the two inches it is to crawl into Blaine's lap and wraps his arms around Blaine waist and rests his head in the crook of Blaine neck.
"I hate this," Kurt whispers against his skin, lips grazing over it.
"I know baby, I know. It's hard. But remember what we said last week? We'll get through this together. I'll be right by your side the whole way, okay?"
Kurt only nods, fists his hand in Blaine's thin shirt, takes a deep breath in and tenses slightly.
"I-I-I — Blaine, i-it's coming back," Kurt manages to get out and Blaine sits Kurt up a little more, only to lay him on his back.
"Kurt, breathe, ok. Focus on your breathing. You can fight it, I know you can."
Kurt sucks a deep breath in, holding it in and letting it out slowly again. He closes his eyes, resting one hand on his chest, the other on his stomach as he continues, but it's helpless. He's having a panic attack and there's nothing Blaine can do except to make Kurt's head rest in his lap and stroke fingers through his hair.
What would help Kurt calm down? All Kurt had asked him to do for him was tie him up or settle Blaine's whole body on top of Kurt's in hope of sending him to subspace; which happened about 98% of the time.
But now Blaine can't do that. He can't simply send his boyfriend to subspace because it was officially illegal. He couldn't even give him a light spanking, knowing full well what that did to Kurt.
So he continues to sit there, watching Kurt struggle for a proper breath with his eyes closed and Blaine's fingers stroking his hair lovingly, worried slightly by the amount of time that has passed.
But the worry in Blaine's chest decreases as Kurt's breathing starts to even out and he's fast asleep.
Blaine sighs, running his hand over his face as he stands, bracing himself and lifting Kurt off the floor and carries the sleeping man to their bedroom.
Blaine lays him gently on the mattress and goes to the other side and climbs in beside Kurt, cuddling him close, burying his nose in the crook of Kurt's neck as tears slip from his eyes.
For the first time in five years, he has no idea what he's doing, no idea what he's going to do, and no idea how to fix anything.
So he lies there, hugging Kurt close while he sleeps, letting tears fall freely now that Kurt can't see him.
It's an hour later that the feeling of Kurt shifting wakes Blaine from his deep daydream and thinking. A soft groan escapes Kurt's lips as he turns and slips his leg in between Blaine's.
"Blaine," he whimpers softly, clutching Blaine's thin shirt tightly between his fingers, his face against Blaine's collar bone.
"Shh, my love, I'm here," Blaine whispers, not entirely sure if Kurt is awake or is still asleep. So he continues to stroke his fingers up and down the other man's back and hugs him tight.
"Blaine," Kurt says again, his shoulders shaking. "I don't want this to happen."
Blaine sighs deeply, confirming the fact that Kurt is in fact awake and only hugs him tighter.
"I know sweetheart. But we don't have a choice. I don't want to chance losing you."
Kurt nods against Blaine's body and scoots closer to him. "I know. I just don't like it. I miss the leather against my neck, I miss our handcuffs and being able to be bound and, and —"
"Kurt, slow down. You'll work yourself up," Blaine says softly, pulling back and kissing Kurt's forehead. "I'm going to miss all of those too, baby. But we have to get used to this being our norm. Luckily, we don't have to do anything all weekend if we don't want to. We can stay in, watch movies, whatever you want."
Kurt mumbles something that Blaine can't understand. "What was that, sweetheart?"
"I want you to tie me to this bed with your ropes and ties, and I want to kneel in front of you, and I want you — need you to dominate me. God Blaine, I need it."
Blaine lets out an almost silent sigh and hugs Kurt closer. "I know baby. But you know we can't do that."
Kurt nods against Blaine's chest and pulls at the shirt, until more is fisted in his hand, clenching tighter as Blaine feels Kurt's shoulders start to shake again.
"B-blaine," Kurt cries, gasping for breath. Blaine has to stop himself from rolling on top Kurt. Instead, he pushes Kurt up and runs a hand up and down his back.
"Kurt, breathe. It's going to be ok. Just please breathe for me." Blaine is trying so hard to not make it into a command; his head is starting to hurt from everything that's going on around him.
"I-I'm ok… I'll be ok," Kurt says, even as he grips Blaine's thigh tightly and takes a deep, shuddering breath.
Blaine only presses a kiss to Kurt's temple and leans his forehead against the skin there.
"I love you, Kurt," Blaine breathes against Kurt's ear, sending a shiver underneath his fingers where they are placed on Kurt's lower back. "I love you with all of my heart, and I will do anything it takes to keep you safe and in my arms."
"I-I know Si — Blaine," Kurt says, correcting himself immediately. Blaine only presses a soft kiss to his head and tightens the hold he has on Kurt. "I love you too."
They don't know how long they lie there, but Kurt is the first one to get up and hold a hand out to Blaine.
"Shower with me?" he asks simply with a small smile.
Blaine returns the smile, takes Kurt's hand and lets his beautiful boy lead him to the bathroom. When the door closes, Kurt turns around and takes the bottom of Blaine's shirt and lifts it up and over his head, Blaine lifting his arms accordingly.
Kurt's lips are on his in an instant, Blaine's arms wrapping around Kurt's waist and pulling him tight against his own body as Kurt's arms wind around his neck.
Kurt moans deep in his throat when Blaine's hands slip in Kurt's pajama pants and kneads the flesh of his ass, making Kurt buck, their erections brushing against the other through the fabric.
Blaine continues to work Kurt's lips against his own, tugging lightly with his teeth as he gently raises Kurt's shirt up as well, only breaking their lips apart to take Kurt's shirt off completely.
"I-I need you, Sir," Kurt pants right before Blaine latches their lips together, forcing Kurt to back against the wall. Kurt lets his body sag slightly as he parts his legs and Blaine is right there, leaning against him, practically holding Kurt up with his own body weight.
"I've got you," Blaine says against Kurt's lips, reaching up with his hand to brush Kurt's hair off his forehead. "I will always have you."
Blaine reaches his hand down and grips Kurt's obvious hard on through his pants and strokes lightly, making Kurt's head fall back against the wall with a gentle thud as he moans high and softly, his mouth hung open as he bucks into Blaine's hand.
"You are so beautiful," Blaine says softly as he leans his forehead against Kurt's and shuts his eyes. "Beautiful and all mine." Blaine lets his lips brush over Kurt's before tugging Kurt's lower lip between his teeth, knowing full well what that does to Kurt.
"Blaine, please, Sir!" Kurt closes his eyes shut tight as Blaine continues to grind against Kurt, bringing one hand up to grasp the back of his neck, the other winding around his waist.
Out of nowhere, tears start to pour down Kurt's face as he continues to buck into Blaine's hips as Blaine latches his lips at the place where his neck meets his shoulder.
"P-p-p-please, please," Kurt sobs hysterically. Blaine glances up then and kisses him softly, running his thumb Kurt's tear soaked cheek.
"Shhh, baby, shh. Come for me," Blaine whispers soothingly as he grinds his hips into Kurt's one last time before Kurt gasps as he comes, soaking his pants and underwear as he moans against Blaine's lips.
He swats weakly at Blaine's hand that had started to stroke him through his orgasm and Blaine leans completely against Kurt, lips licking and kissing up and down his neck and jaw.
"Thank you, Blaine," Kurt breathes.
"You're more than welcome, baby," Blaine says, inhaling once more to simply breathe in the scent of his… his…
"I think we should actually shower now, don't you?" Kurt says with a slight laugh as he wipes his eyes.
"Are you going to be… well, do you want to wait on that? We can cuddle," Blaine offers, not wanting to ask the obvious question. Kurt is definitely not okay and he won't be any time soon.
"I-I just want to shower right now. After?"
"Of course. Whatever you need, sweetheart."
"Actually, do you mind if I shower alone? I just need to think for a little bit."
Blaine takes a deep and nods his head. "Yeah, yeah, you shower I'll be in the bedroom." Kurt nods slowly and starts to turn toward the shower. "But… will you keep the door open?" Blaine doesn't want Kurt having another panic attack without him there. Especially not in the shower.
Kurt nods slowly, and leans forward to press his lips to Blaine's. "Yeah, go ahead. I'll be quick and then you can keep your promise on cuddles." Kurt winks at him as he gently shoves Blaine out the door so he can actually clean up.
It's an understatement to say that Blaine is only a little nervous at Kurt's behavior now. It's not that Blaine is upset that Kurt is… giddy? Happy? Energized? That's all Blaine wants from Kurt. But in this situation, it's unsettling for Blaine.
He tries not to question it too much, letting Kurt cope in his own way as long as Kurt is not hurting himself. Blaine knows that Kurt is hurting emotionally, but there is no way to avoid that unless President Crazy actually got his shit together and took charge for once.
No, Blaine thinks harshly to himself. You need to focus on Kurt. Don't let your frustrations take over. There are more important things.
Blaine runs his hands over his face as he makes his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge and letting his hands drop to his lap.
He honestly doesn't know what to do. A hurting sub — boyfriend… his boyfriend. A hurting boyfriend, a messed up country and he doesn't know how to handle anything. He's at a complete loss for the first time in five years.
Blaine groans softly as he falls back and rests his hands over his stomach as he listens to the gentle sound of the shower, the soft humming coming from his Kurt, and the hard, fast beating of his heart as he tries to contemplate what to do next.
He's so lost in thought that he doesn't hear the water turn off, he doesn't hear Kurt shuffling around the bathroom and bedroom. He doesn't even know Kurt is ready for the day until he feels a body against his side, and a head being pillowed on his chest as an arm rests over his stomach.
"Baby, don't scare me like that," Blaine says quietly with small laugh. "You almost gave me a heart attack."
"I'm sorry, Sir," Kurt says softly with an almost sigh as he nuzzles his cheek against Blaine's chest. "What were you thinking about?"
Blaine situates them so that he can have a firm hold around Kurt's shoulders so that they can be closer and it's his turn to sigh.
"Just stuff, baby. What do you want to do now? Anything you want."
"Mmm," Kurt hums softly as he turns a little so he's half on Blaine, his chin pillowed on his hands on Blaine's chest. "I want you to fuck me so hard that I'll forget everything that's happened this last week."
Blaine closes his eyes and swallows hard, trying to will his growing hard on away.
"Kurt, I want to… I do. I just don't think that's what you need right now," Blaine says softly, opening his eyes and running a hand through Kurt's soft hair. "I feel like I would just be taking advantage of you." He tries not to think about how carried away he got in the bathroom just ten minutes earlier.
Kurt nods a little and turns his head so his cheek is resting on Blaine's chest. "I just don't know what to do now, Sir," Kurt says softly, and Blaine is sure a new wave a tears is coming.
"I don't either, baby. But we'll take it one step at a time. How about you pop in a movie and I'll make us breakfast. We'll go from there."
Kurt nods again and Blaine runs a soothing hand over Kurt's back, cursing himself for making it sound like a command. It was going to be a long day, he realized. At least he saw that now instead of later when it would be too late.
They set words to actions, Kurt going to the living room to pick out a movie and Blaine sets to work on pouring Kurt's favorite cereal into two bowls. Blaine knows that Golden Crisp is Kurt's go to food when he's in a bad mood or needs cheering up.
("When my mom died, my dad didn't know what to make me so he kept feeding me Golden Crisp. It's my comfort food. Next to Ben and Jerry's, of course," Kurt had said so long ago with a smile).
Blaine sighs softly as he pours milk into each of the bowls, takes two spoons and carries the objects out to Kurt who is curled up in a ball as he watches previews pass on the screen.
"Hey sweetheart, here's some cereal," Blaine says as he hands Kurt his bowl. Blaine sits next to Kurt and smiles when his boyfriend backs up a little so they are touching, his back to Blaine's arm.
Blaine leans that extra inch and kisses the back of Kurt's neck before humming along to Someday My Prince Will Come as the previews continue to play.
"What movie did you pick?"
"Sound of Music. It's a classic," Kurt says quietly. Blaine notes how Kurt doesn't mention that it's the one he and his mom watched all the time when his mom got sick with breast cancer.
They finish their food right when Maria comes out and twirls in a circle before singing and Blaine smiles when he loops his arms around Kurt's stomach, situating them so that Kurt is fully against Blaine's chest, Kurt's head resting on Blaine's shoulder.
"I love you," Blaine whispers in Kurt's ears as Kurt rests his hands on Blaine's.
"I love you, too."