Disclaimer: I do not own The Vampire Diaries.
A short piece happening after 4x11. Bonnie tries to adopt what has happened with her, her powers and Shane.
Witch is not what she thinks she is, she is what she hides*
She was standing in the darkness, looking at the blackness in front of her. Freezing wind enfolded her cheeks, cold rain marked its way with burning traces. But maybe it wasn't rain. Maybe these marks were made by hot tears that were coming from her eyes in wide, unstoppable streams.
Yes, she was crying. Strong-minded Bonnie Bennett, the most powerful witch in this state was crying. There were few reasons for it.
First and most of all, she felt betrayed. Betrayed by someone she had really trusted. No, trusted wasn't the proper word. She 'trusted' Stefan, but she wouldn't feel so bad if he was the one who betrayed her. She not only trusted Shane. She thought he would be the one to stay with her through all she was going through. She believed he would show her what her powers had to offer. She even wondered...
No, she couldn't finish that sentence. Even if she didn't exactly wonder – she believed in something she didn't want to think about.
Shane was a topic that made her tears come quicker and in wider torrents. She didn't want that. She wiped salt drops out of her cheeks and closed her eyes.
Another reason comprised her powers. She had known she was powerful, but she hadn't expected her powers to be so strong. She knew now that she had no control over them. They controlled her, not the other way around. She was useless in completely other sense than before. Not knowing how to use her powers, not able to stop them from showing themselves, she became dangerous. If Shane – no, she just couldn't spell his name – She-Knew-Who hadn't stopped her in his own strange way, she could've burnt the whole building, because she wouldn't be able to stop the fire. It was awful. It was like somebody possessed her. Somebody she couldn't get in touch with. Somebody she definitely didn't want in her own mind. She didn't know what to do or how to stop her powers. She didn't know how to refrain herself from killing everybody around.
She was also mad at herself for being so naive. For trusting someone she didn't really know; for admitting that she really was weak-minded. She was weak, even though she believed she was strong. She-Knew-Who had manipulated her in every possible way and she hadn't seen it. He had lied to her in every moment he had been opening his mouth and she hadn't realised it. He had hypnotized her and she didn't even know what he had been doing with her during the hypnosis. She had been a marionette, willing to give her fate into the hands of a stranger. Who cared that she started falling for this stranger? He just wanted to use her.
And again, she was trapped in a pit filled with thoughts about Shane. She remembered her blind trust in him when he had been arrested. She had been so stupid... Even when he had said that Rebekah hadn't been lying, she hadn't believed. And how could she? He had been her support with everything. He had been her strength and now what? Would she just believe that he had been lying all the time? That he had been a freaking psychopath? It hadn't been easy, but she had finally believed it. The man she trusted with all her might appeared to be more of a monster than Damon. And she hated Damon for who he was. For what he had done. So why couldn't she kill the feelings she had for Shane? She had to forget about them, as soon as possible, even though it was impossible. Shane had killed at least 12 people, and she was sure that he was responsible for destroying even more human beings. And he didn't really care. She cared as hell.
How could she be so blind and not see who he really was? Damon hadn't believed him from the beginning. But that was Damon. She never believed Damon.
She had thought she finally had someone only for herself. But she was wrong. She couldn't have anyone only for herself, it seemed.
And there she was, pathetic and in despair. She was all alone with power she couldn't control; with feelings she couldn't overcome; with sadness she couldn't kill. Night seemed to be her only ally. Darkness hiding all her desires, sins and thoughts, leaving them all to herself. That wasn't enough to kill them, but she could at least conceal them from the world. And pretend like everything was okay. Even though nothing was okay. Even though she was heartbroken and weak. Even though everything was totally screwed up.
She had to be strong for her friends. They counted on her, as usual. She was the only witch they could use. And she seemed to be created only to be used. That was her fate. So why did she even bother that Shane was using her when her entire life was based on treating her like a movable source of power?
She turned on her heels and came back home, internally broken and bleak, externally not moved. She had to stay unmoved to be able to find the cure. To raise Silas, maybe. To be there for her friends, even though no one was there for her. She was slowly getting used to this state.
*Originally by Andre Malraux