Hi! My first Chicago Fire fanfic! Please review
I don't own anything recognizable. :(
It had taken me all day to work up the courage but I finally made my decision, I was going to talk to Lt. Casey. Chief said Casey was available always and I just couldn't get it out of my head. I had been having nightmares about that girl's body. She was so mangled and bloody.
Slowly, but surely I made my way down the hall to the quarters. My hand felt like a million pounds as I knocked on the Lt.'s door. I found myself almost wishing he would be busy and I would have to wait, but he signaled me in.
"Do you have a minute?" My voice came out quieter than either one of us had ever heard before.
"Always." He nodded inviting me in further. As he turned to give me his attention I sat down on the edge of his bed. "What's up?" He sensed my nervousness and started the conversation.
"I just can't stop thinking about the train accident and I am always finding myself scared when we go on a call that I'm going to find another body like that." I got it out quickly. It got more of his attention and he came over to sit next to me.
"First of all I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with this, it sucks I know." I nodded with a small smile. "What exactly are you scared of finding?" he prodded further.
"A person in that shape. I can't help but think about how much pain she was in and how much suffering she must have gone through." Casey set a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Why did this have to happen to anyone?"
"No one can know why it happened. As firefighters in general we want no one to be in pain- but in the nature of the job we see people on the worst day of their lives, there is going to be a lot of pain. Our jobs are to help people through the pain. There are a few that we can't help."
"I feel like no one else is having an emotional response to this though. I feel weak."
"You are not weak, you are strong for talking about it." His voice became firm but it was still comforting "Everyone here is having an emotional response to this. The other guys have had multiple calls like this, and they have dealt with it, they learned how to deal with it, each person is different. You haven't had the time to learn how to deal with this. You will eventually- I can't promise you much but I can promise you that." I nodded in response. It was hard to believe but I trusted him. "What'cha thinking?"
"It is awfully hard to buy what you're saying but I trust you. How did you learn to deal with it? You know… rough calls." I really didn't want to ask but I wanted to know. "I mean if you want-"
"It's fine." He interrupted me. "It's good to talk about this kind of stuff. I was about two months into my being a Candidate. We got a call for gunshot wounds. It was in a rough neighborhood. The victim was a five year old girl. Her parents were both teens in a gang from what she said. Apparently he dad had gotten mad at someone else and she was caught in the crossfire. Everyone had fled the scene" it was kind of a shock to see such a stoic man start to cry. "She was in so much pain the entire time, she couldn't stop crying, and she was so worried that her dad was mad at her. Nothing you could say would comfort her. She was gone before an ambo could get there." He seemed like he was done but then he restarted "I couldn't focus for days. Then I went out with my Lt. and he had some really good suggestions. Now I journal my heart out after every shift. It helps so much to get it out. Also…" he got up with a sly smile and went over to his desk, he opened up a drawer. "I keep an endless supply of chocolate." He said as he threw me a piece and sat back down.
"The chocolate sounds good to me." I smiled
"It actually helps. You are only thinking about how good the chocolate tastes, not the past." He smiled back
"It's just hard with my mom in my ear about everything. She thinks I'll shut down like my dad did."
"Are you afraid you'll shut down like your dad?"
"Kind of." I admitted shyly.
"You aren't your father. You are talking about it, if you keep talking about it you won't shut down."
"Isn't it bad if I keep talking about it for a long time?" It seemed to me like you weren't supposed to be affected for long.
"If it's still bothering you for a long time as much as it is now that could be a sign something else is up, but it will never be bad for you to talk about it." He responded with a firm but kind tone.
""Engine 51, Truck 81, Squad 3, Ambulance 61…" The alarm blared making both of us jump. The terror seeped in instantaneously. As we stood up he gave me a look to make sure I was ok.
"Thanks- for everything." I responded to the look. He slapped me on the back and smiled back at me.
"I'm always available."