Warning! This fic contains Death and suicide! Please don't read if you will get triggered by it! Continue at your own risk. Thank you.
It was horrible. The mood, the environment, everything was just horrible. It felt like I was drowning except I could see everyone else still breathing as if everything was normal. But to them it was, to them I was just another student. To them I was a friend, a student counsel president, a mentor, a family member. And because of that I couldn't let them know. I couldn't let them know about the pain I was in or what I was going through.
I wouldn't push my problems off on other people. I would keep it inside because knowing would destroy them and instead of destroying them I decided to let it destroy me. They couldn't see or know anything. And in the last few seconds it stopped feeling like I was drowning, it stopped because I had already drowned. I had let my mind destroy me, because when you let your guard down something always destroys you just like it started to when you first put your guard up. It doesn't matter how fast you try to put your shields back up...it always find its way back in first.
It can't be stopped once it gets let back in. It only ends when it ends you. And at 9pm Monday Night it ended me.
No one saw it coming. He acted just like he had any other day, he went around doing his normal routine. No one suspected that it was the last time they would ever see Tezuka Kunimitsu alive. It wasn't what you would expect either. There was a note that was addressed to us. It was to all of us but no one would let us read it and none of us were sure we could handle reading it. The only inkling anyone had was him saying goodbye to us individually after practice had ended that day.
But no one had thought anything of that. It only occurred to us after we had found out that there were subtle signs, things he had said in the past, actions he had taken that if we had paid more attention to we might have been suspicious. He was our leader, our captain and we didn't question him, we didn't think someone as strong as he was could fall so hard or hurt so badly. He was our protector and our light in dark times. He trusted us and we let him down in the worst way possible. And in the same way we trusted him to protect and care for us, he entrusted us to do the same. But we failed.
It had started out just like every other morning we had practice. We all got into the clubroom and started to change, but something was off. Tezuka hadn't shown up yet and Ryuuzaki-sensei was no where in sight when she usually would have been there to make sure everyone was there before handing over authority to Tezuka.
In a few milliseconds it went from just something being off because Tezuka hadn't shown up to every little bit of happiness or joy or lightheartedness being sucked away in a matter of seconds when we saw Ryuuzaki-sensei walk onto the courts. You could tell something was wrong just by looking at her. She looked like she was ready to fall apart or lay down and die. Little did we know just how close to home that thought process was.
She only glanced at us before she broke down and started sobbing. And it scared everyone to see her cry, not because she was ugly or anything but because she was a strong person. She was the type that no matter what happened she wouldn't cry. She would stand strong so that others could get help from her if they needed it. Just like him.
After a few minutes Oishi finally managed to calm her down enough for her to dismiss the non-regulars and have us all assemble in the clubroom. That was when the scared feeling turned into horror and then into depression. Because we were finally told why Tezuka hadn't come to practice that morning. We were finally told that he had committed suicide. It took a few minutes to sink in, Eiji tried to laugh it off and make it into a joke before he realized that she wasn't joking, that their beloved captain and mentor and friend had taken his own life.
Most of us cried. Some of us stayed strong so that the others would have someone to cry on. And others thought back through the last few days, weeks, months that they had spent with Tezuka. Just trying to figure out some reason why he did it. But even though we were sad about it and some of us were angry about it none of us could bring ourselves to blame him. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't blame him, we couldn't see him as selfish or evil, because we knew he wasn't. Deep down inside we all knew that he had to be in an immense amount of pain for him to even consider doing something like this.
We didn't go to classes that day. We couldn't, we all just holed up in an unused class room and cried or thought to ourselves. The more we thought about it though the more things seemed to come up that pointed towards him being in pain. Almost all of us shared something, some phrase he had said to us or something he had done that hadn't made sense at the time but looking back now It made all the sense in the world. Just little things that no one thought really mattered and we probably never would have even remembered them had we not been put in this situation.
Things like the time a few months ago when one of our classmates attempted to commit suicide by cutting her wrists and sitting under the shower in the girls locker room. But Tezuka and Fuji had found her before she bled out when they were walking through the gym and heard the shower running. They went to the hospital with her so that she had someone there with her the whole time. And as Tezuka and Fuji were out in the waiting room Fuji had asked if Tezuka thought that people who attempt suicide actually wanted to die.
"Do you think she actually wanted to die?" Fuji asked as he looked over at Tezuka who had been silent the whole ride to the hospital.
"No one commits suicide because they want to die."
"Then why would they do it." Fuji said puzzled.
"They just want the pain to stop." Tezuka replied before getting up and walking over to the nurses station to ask if they had contacted the girls parents.
Looking back on things like that makes it that much harder for us to accept that he's dead. Because the signs were there, we just didn't look at them.
Almost everyone in the school came to the funeral. Even people from other schools came, Atobe, Sanada, Yamato, Chitose, people from the rehabilitation center in Germany. It seemed like everyone he had ever met came, anyone who had been effected by him, by his passion, by his love and his strength. It was after the funeral that they finally let us see the note. But even when they gave it to us it took us a few days to work up the courage to read it.
Eventually we worked up the courage to open the envelope that contained the letter.
To my team,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through the pain and stress that I know will be inevitable when you find out what i've done. I want everyone of you to know that I love you. I always have and I always will even when I'm gone and I hope that you will forgive my horrible actions. I tried really hard, I promise. But one day I woke up and couldn't handle it anymore.
I know I should have been stronger- no I should have been BETTER for you guys if I couldn't do it for myself. But I couldn't make myself hold on any longer. Even if I had gotten help it wouldn't have worked. People like me don't go back to being normal after what we've done no matter how much help we receive. At this point I cant even remotely remember what it feels like to be normal.
I know you guys would have helped me if you had known but I couldn't tell you. No matter how much I wanted to. I chose to keep it inside because I would have rather it destroy me than have it destroy you guys. I couldn't stand the thought of having my problems tear anyone else apart like they did me.
I'm sorry but I'm not good enough for any of you guys. I'm not good enough for anyone really. I'm sorry that the monsters in my head are finally gaining control over me. Its like a wars going on inside my head and I don't have a chance at winning.
I'm Not living I'm just surviving. And I cant let myself continue to live that way because its not how a role model should live. I'm truly sorry but I cant take it anymore and i've lost myself somewhere in the darkness of my own mind. Please forgive me.
Ill love you forever,