Kurtbastian things asdfghjkl;

there is a Sebastian verson of this i will upload soon, as in 50 things that Sebastian hates about Kurt.


Title: 50 Things I Despise About You
Rated: +13 – language, sexual references; drug abuse references
Summary: 50 things Kurt Hummel hated about Sebastian, but tolerated. All dialogue. Kurtbastian.
Genre: Humour/Romance


1. No, Sebastian, saying "I love you" before, during, after sex or when trying to cajole Kurt to buy a huge pizza for dinner doesn't count:

"Fuck, when does it count, Hummel?"

"…when you say it unexpectedly and actually surprise me. The amount of times you said I love you that hasn't been in those situations is actually negative fifteen."

"How the fuck?"

"…Sebastian, telling me that you hate me repeatedly kind of detects points."

"Hey, I had a valid excuse for all of them. Like you locking the door when you're showering when I need to shit, or when you insist on wearing clothes to bed with a hundred fucking layers that you won't let me take off. The contract you made me sign that we have to be at least three fucking inches away from each other in bed because if I ruin your damned mask then you'll chop my arm off—"

"Sebastian, firstly, the term was 'gently amputate' your arms off. Also, I lock the door when I'm showering because, as much as you despise it, there are other people in this household and leaving my door unlocked might mean my stepbrother coming in and seeing my genitals. Also, I wear layers because it's fashionable and if you touch my shirt, I will destroy you. One more shirt ruined and this relationship will suffer, as well as dinner. Also, I'm doing you a favour. The last thing you want is to touch skin that isn't baby skin smooth."

"So, I have to say I love you like…some Blaine?"

"What's wrong with being Blaine?"

"He's hot and all but I'm not the romantic if you haven't noticed."

"How the hell is ice-cream a good anniversary gift?"

"You still ate it."

"Goodness, Sebastian, it was chocolate chip. Of course I still ingested it."

"There. You ingested my love. How is that supposed to make me feel?"

"…you bought it for me. Your arguments are always repetitive, invalid and irrelevant."

"That's abuse right there, Hummel. Using big words to make me look like a free range fucker."

"Free range? Excuse me, I never realised you were the equivalent of an egg."

"I, however, have realised you were the equivalent of my Mother."

"Eat your vegetables, Sebastian."

"See, because you're my Mother, you know I love you, but I don't need to say it."

"…I will shove things in your oesophagus that isn't my dick, Sebastian. EAT. YOUR. VEGETABLES."

"I'm guessing by those 'things', you totally mean this shit looking carrot."

"That's cauliflower."

2. Sebastian's driving skills are atrocious:

"My driving skills isn't that bad, Hummel."

"Sebastian, you ran over three squirrels in the past hour. I didn't even think we had squirrels."

"I liberated them."

3. Stop lying about things, Sebastian:

"Lying? I don't lie, Hummel."

"You do. Liar."

"Jeez, Kurt."

"Confess, Sebastian. You ate the last cookie."

4. Sebastian's tanning skills redefine orange skin:

"…Hummel—"

"Stop tanning. If you get any more—"

"…I don't tan, Hummel. That's jaundice because acute hep B. It's also the reason I haven't touched you in three days."

"I refuse to further question you on your sexual history."

"…no, that's from the heroin I tried to quit."

"…tried being the keyword here."

5. Nothing gets past Sebastian:

"… You totally cheated! Fuck you, Hummel!"

"…I take it you're never playing UNO with me again?"

6. Nagging about how Kurt doesn't clean after himself and doesn't clean their house:

"…you don't help. I clean. I dust. I vacuum the whole place. I organise your clothes from least shittiest to shittiest. I even organised our BDSM drawer. I do so fucking much around here in our house."

"Our house? It's my house. You just refuse to leave."

"No appreciation. I clean everything. I suck your cock and clean you off. I drink every bit of your—"

"That's enough, Sebastian. So…um, do you have issues with swallowing?"

7. When Kurt does help around the house, the effort he put in was futile and he fucked everything up:

"Don't touch my kitchen, Hummel. You fuck everything up."

"You asked me to help you literally five seconds ago."

"I never said that. Go stare at your stepbrother's butt. You fucking ruined my kitchen. Out."

"…this vaguely reminds me of an old married couple."

"Out of my kitchen, Hummel. Your presence is making the air particles sad."

8. Leaving sexual items on Kurt's drawer:

"…Hummel, you should be happy that I even bother bringing us things for you to try."

"Half the things you buy terrify me and I'd rather cut off my spleen than try them out. Stop leaving me things because some people definitely recognise these things."

"So? Who cares who recognises this shit?"

"…okay. Tell me how do I tell my Dad the reasons for why I need a cock ring."

9. Telling Kurt what he needed to buy Sebastian:

"I know what to get you, Sebastian. You do not need to tell me what to get you for your birthday or Christmas, or any other gift-giving occasion."

"Ew, no, you'll get me gay shit. I want you in a cat suit."

"I refuse to lose my dignity."

"You lost it when you decided to make-out with me the first time after I nearly blinded your ex."

"Point taken."

"So, when are you going to wear that sexy cat suit?"

"Somewhere between never and over my dead body."

"Do not tempt me, Hummel. My therapist says I will still probably engage in necrophilia."

10. Taking Kurt's hard-earned money to spend it on booze:

"Hard-earned money? Hummel, you do not 'hard-earn' money by sitting around, watching a few kids hit each other with their heads."

"Oh, but I do. I waste my precious time when I can be watching you hit yourself in the head with various cabinets."

"But I like booze."

"I like the thought of you being dead, but we're not getting that either."

"Wow, look at how much you love me."

"I believe the phrase is 'I love you to death'."

11. Asking Kurt how long until he's home just so he can tell him about the things he wants him to get:

"Sebastian, this is the last time I'm ever buying you anything. You talk to me only to ask me when I'm coming home and if I can bring a whole carton of milk on me way. I am done with this."

"Well, Hummel, you can't bring half a carton of milk on your way so of course, you will bring a whole carton on your way."

"…Sebastian, I was complaining about the fact that I am not your maid. If you want to get milk, get up from your ass and get milk."

"I can't. I have six essays to write that are due tomorrow."

"Did you write any of them?"

"I'm working on it."

"Good."

"Hummel, can you write the six essays that are due tomorrow?"

"Sebastian, do your work."

"I said I was working on it – aka working on getting some other fucker to do it for me."

"I will not do your essays."

"Fine."

"…."

"Hummel?"

"Give me your laptop. I need to write this. You will just fuck everything up, fail, and if you fail the year, your Father is going to blame it on me and strip me of my honourary status in various department stores."

12. All Sebastian does all day is lounge around in Kurt's clothes:

"Sebastian, even though we do have the same complexion so the same colours work on us—my pants tend to not hit you at the ankle so this is a fashion disaster for one and secondly, is sitting down all you can do?"

"No, not true. Sometimes, I shower and eat. I'm always asleep and/or jerking off. Next question?"

"Stop jerking off."

"Why don't you just cut off my cock?"

"I try to but whenever I do, you start to get slightly pale and hyperventilate."

13. When Kurt is fucking Sebastian, Sebastian is reading texts from his Mother:

"Sebastian, there is something that makes sex a lot less appealing when one of us is reading out about his Mother whom just had plastic surgery. Or a boob job. Or about how she wants to get liposuction on her fat, which is non-existent to say the least."

"Because it's hilarious. Can you imagine my Mother getting liposuction? The only place with fat is her boobs."

"Sebastian, your family is oddly disturbing and I do not want them to be mentioned in the comforts of my bed, especially when I'm fucking you."

"Well, if you fuck harder, I won't be able to read at all."

"I might just take up that offer."

"Are you threatening me with what I want? Jeez, Hummel, you need to give the illusion that you can't be fucked with. At least try to sound intimidating."

"At least try to sound the least bit interested in something that isn't my body."

"Fine."

"Really?'

"Hummel, what's for dinner?"

14. Choosing Kurt's clothes and telling him what to wear:

"Sebastian, I am perfectly capable of choosing my own clothing. I am a fashion major for goodness sake!"

"Hummel, if you are perfectly capable of choosing your own clothing, can you choose something that won't make people immediately think that we are as gay as the sun. I'd like to go to dinner without having that kid poke at you just to make sure that your sparkles aren't radioactive."

"They're just appreciating proper fashion."

"And why the hell do you have to make yourself stand out?"

"Because I'm different."

"We know, we know, all you have to do is speak for them to know that you're different, Hummel. I'm pretty sure they also think you're my very tall obnoxious son that knows how to use big words."

"I'm sorry that my voice is a little high-pitched."

"A little? When you scream, I swear that my hearing dies a little bit on the inside."

"I love my voice."

"I love my cock, but we both have opposing opinions about that."

"I do like your cock, but I don't like it shoved down my ass twice a day. Especially not when one of us has to get somewhere very quickly only to be disturbed by your sexual expeditions."

"I do like your voice too, except it's when you talk that it starts to annoy me."

15. Whenever Sebastian uses something of Kurt's, it suspiciously smells like cologne afterwards

"Not funny when it's your English report, Sebastian. Do you bathe everything you touch in the scent of Diesel?"

"Not bathe, just delicately smother."

"I have never heard the word 'delicately' and 'smothered' in the same sentence before in my entire life."

"You liar. You just heard it right now. I just used it."

"Sebastian, stop talking or your oesophagus will be permanently detached from your body."

"What does my oesophagus have to do with me talking? If my oesophagus had something to do with me talking, I won't be able to talk and eat at the same time – otherwise, I'll die because I'll be breathing from the same airway."

"I was merely threatening something you like – which in this case is eating everything you see."

"Not true. You put a salad on the table yesterday. I made no movement to touch it."

16. Sebastian, Kurt is not your life. Leave his room and do not come back:

"It puts a lot of pressure on me that your life constantly revolves around me, Sebastian."

"Hummel, you remind me of my Mother. My Mother's in Italy. Thus, for a certain length of time, you are my Mother, and that means that I'm only at home, hearing you yap about useless shit and eating your food."

"…I am your maternal figure?"

"Yup. And I hate you just as much."

"How lovely. It makes me want to kill you a lot less."

"You can't kill me. I'll shout all the spoilers for various TV shows in the process and killing me just isn't worth that."

"Point taken."

17. The only interest Sebastian has is sex:

"Not true, Hummel. I like food sometimes."

"Besides that. Do you have any hobbies?'

"I like to sing, read, write, draw, and fantasise about chopping various ex-boyfriends' dicks off."

"Those are boring."

"I do not like to shop, Hummel."

"Come on, Sebastian. Not even for food?"

"No, you'll just bitch about calories. Now, I now that my Cheerios is 111 calories per thirty gram and I can never enjoy them the same because I don't like knowing the calories of the food I eat. I like not giving a fuck. I feel bad when I eat food with calories so I pretend that everything has the same calorie of a stalk of celery."

"Wow, Sebastian, good luck with your 6 calorie diet."

"Thanks a lot, Hummel. Now, I can't even eat celery anymore."

"You never did in the first place."

"What if I wanted to?"

"That's like me wanting to burn all of my clothing. It won't happen."

18. Sebastian is far too independent:

"What, Hummel? You just called me needy five seconds ago."

"You are needy but you are independent in the way that you never tell me what is you're doing or where you're going when you leave my room. You never tell me what kind of things you like—"

"Sex. And drugs. Food and sleep. Are we done yet?"

"You never just call me when you're upset. I've never seen you upset. I hardly know anything about your family…"

"My Mother's a model and a whore. You remind me of her. My Father is a sexy motherfucker. Next?"

"Sebastian, you don't get it. I'm not involved in your life. Our lives together and your actual life are two different things. I want to be involved."

"I'm going to shoot up heroin in five hours. Do you want to come with?"

19. Sebastian asks for Kurt's advice but does he take it? No.

"I do not ask for your advice, Hummel. Unless it's about my conquest to get beat up to the point where I'll live in the ER as the colours you wear is just asking for a beating. And several other blood-related events."

"No, Sebastian, just yesterday you asked me if we should get married, I said no."

"Ha. Shut up. We should get married, because that way I don't have to go to school anymore."

"Your motivation for learning truly astounds me."

"I wish my dick would astound you."

20. Sebastian, pepperoni is not a viable pizza topping in the Hummel household

"Make it a pizza topping, Hummel. I cannot survive without my high-sodium meats."

"Sebastian, I know that you want to kill yourself via certain foods that most obese people wouldn't ingest without feeling the smallest residue of guilt but no way I am ordering pepperoni on our pizza."

"Little bitch."

"I am only three inches shorter than you."

"You didn't say anything about the bitch part."

"Sebastian, quit your lollygagging."

"That's an invitation to gag you with a lollipop."

"Sebastian Smythe, don't you dare bring that monstrosity of sugar near—Hmmph."

21. Sebastian trapping him in uncomfortable positions

"Hummel, I do not trap you in uncomfortable positions."

"…uh, yes, you do. You entrap me in your arms at night as we sleep. I am all for cuddling, but I…tend to like breathing as well, Sebastian."

"Fuck you. You are my Blaine cuddly toy since you mutilated that one. It is entirely your fault you are a human teddy bear."

"Sebastian, your cuddly toy had spikes. I mutilated it for the safety of my stepbrother, as he tends to like to touch pointy things and get himself sent in the ER."

"I like bleeding to death."

"I like seeing you bleed to death, too, but Sebastian, I am not doing any more laundry with anyone's blood on it. It's horrible, and I suspect my Father thinks I plan out homicides."

"…wait, you don't? Because you totally butchered my heart when you destroyed my Blaine."

"How romantic. You are certainly a catch."

"I'm sexy and I know it."

"You know it far too much, unfortunately."

22. Sebastian horrendously assaulting Kurt's vacuum

"I'm sorry if I keep this house clean and you're never willing to put any effort like the bitch that you are, Hummel."

"I had to replace three vacuum cleaners as you have decided to scrub everything that is the least bit fuzzy to make sure it has no bacteria – including my stepbrother's belly button."

"Did you see that thing? It is a hobbit hole on its own."

"Sebastian, stop disturbing my stepbrother's sleep, as I have to deal with the consequences later on in the day when he decides that my room is the perfect place to hide from your obscene ass."

"Why is this so bad? I thought you wanted your brother to bond with you."

"With me, not with my personal items…as you may tell, there is a bit of a height difference between me and Finn, about four inches worth and my bed fits me perfectly. He is also slightly heavier than me, so I had to also replace my bed quite a few times."

"…this is your tragedy? This is great news. We've fucked in six different beds. That's hot."

23. Sebastian always being asleep.

"No, I woke up early yesterday, Hummel."

"Yes, I noticed. It was only five pm—I swear to Prada, you are nocturnal."

"Just like your ex-boyfriend and you never complained about him. Nightbird, the nocturnal avenger with a hot fucking ass."

24. Sebastian breaking objects

"What is wrong with breaking objects? Did you see Zombieland? It relieves a lot of stress for me and renders me from going insane."

"Firstly, you are insane. Secondly, you are not stressed. Thirdly, an iPhone 5 is nothing to break and then lie about it, as when I find out and I will, I have a tendency of skinning meerkats alive."

"Hummel, you are starting to sound dangerously close to a mass murder again."

"Sebastian, my iPhone."

"Hummel, my life expectancy."

"Will not exist when I am done with you. Maybe you are right; breaking objects may just relieve all the stress in my life and may make me reclaim my sanity."

"Do not hurt me. I am a fragile yet sexy motherfucker."

"Don't worry. Your ego will cushion the fall."

25. Sebastian's need to get married

"I have no such need to get married, Hummel."

"Good."

"Hummel, marry me. I'm fucking begging you."

26. Sebastian's incessant use of Arabic

"Sebastian, you are a fluent French speaker, yet you talk to me in a language that requires different letters. Why do you like to torture me?"

"Because you are my lover and thus, I have to want to torture you. It's in the Lover's Code of Dishonour."

"Well, in that case…I only know one statement in Arabic. Ana bh'ebak." (1)

"…Hummel, no, that translates to 'I love you' and a person that loves me does not eat my chicken nuggets."

"…Nobody should try to be romantic with you."

"Hey, Kurt?"

"Yes, Sebastian?"

"Ana bh'ebak too."

27. Sebastian making him feel like a complete and utter idiot 100% of the time

"Pardon me, Hummel?"

"You heard me, Sebastian. When your boyfriend got accepted into Harvard and has a perfect 4.0 GPA along with a 41 in his IB results and the money to pay for it, life gets abhorrently depressing."

"Let me get this straight, Hummel, you're angry at me for being smart?"

"In short, yes. Especially when yesterday, you just asked me if chicken wings were made from real chicken."

"I have an inquisitive mind."

28. Sebastian waking Kurt up just to get him to make food

"Sebastian, I am not your maid in daylight and I am surely not your maid at four am."

"Thirty fifty-two am."

"I am not your maid at any given time of the day and I refuse to make you food."

"Fine. I'll just eat your chocolate stash."

"Fine."

"Really?"

"No. What do you want me to make you?"

29. Sebastian threatening to hurt Kurt's friends

"I did not threaten to hurt them, Hummel."

"Yes, you did. Several times actually."

"No, Hummel. I threatened to mutilate them. Different thing. Hurt is a very vague term and refers to very little pain. I was hoping they'd rot in Hell."

"Sebastian, this is why I don't want you to ever meet my family. Especially not my extended family. My Father has several guns and meerkat season is just beginning."

30. Sebastian's need to have shower sex

"Sebastian, shower sex is only nice in the novels. It sucks in real life, as I've tried it with Blaine and it was the worst 45 minutes of my life. We both cried due to particles of soap being caught in our eyes."

"You've never had shower sex with me."

"You might just blind me with either soap or shampoo, so I'd rather not."

"Hummel, you always think I'm this crazy person that just assaults and kills and leaves."

"Yes, that is exactly what you are. Thank you for understanding."

31. Sebastian's inability to love anything that isn't sex

"What's wrong with only loving sex, Hummel? I do not need people. If it helps you, I slightly like your ass more than the rest of you."

"No. It does not help. At all."

"I see you, Hummel. I can see your eyes, and they lust for me."

"No, there is a croissant beside you."

32. Sebastian's stupid questioning of things

"I just don't get novels."

"How did you pass IB English with a 7 is beyond me."

"Easy. The novels were written in English. These children's tales suck. Why the fuck would Ariel give her voice away for some shitty legs for one and secondly, why the hell does the emperor have no clothes?"

"You're confused about children's novels? Well, I've had all my tales told to me to my Father. Did your Father not tell you stories as a child?"

"Of course, he did. They were riveting."

"Oh?"

"Once upon a time there was a corporation and I led the co-workers to their death. It was most pleasing when I saw their faces at the end of the month when their eyes graced upon their pay check. The end."

33. Sebastian's rules

"I do not have any rules, Hummel."

"Do not enter the room when I am vacuuming. The stench of your failure disrupts my vacuum."

"Fine. It was just that one."

"If you touch my chocolate, your arm would be torn to smithereens."

"Really just common knowledge, Hummel."

"If you breathe, I'll kill you. How do you explain this one?"

"Die, Hummel because I planned your funeral and the speech I'll say when you die."

"Some people plan weddings, Sebastian."

"What the fuck? Depressing shit."

34. Sebastian's reputation – just about anywhere

"Sebastian, I am known for 'banging' a whore. How do you think this makes me feel?"

"Like a pornstar."

"…you just made the situation about 400% worse."

"What? Are you fucking kidding me? I complimented you. I called you a pornstar. Especially with that hair."

"Sebastian, you are making me want to hurt myself quite a bit."

35. Sebastian breaking and entering – in Kurt's household

"I was just making sure you weren't lonely."

"I can see that – as you stumble cross my couch, mumbling something about how stupid I am and then looking for the closest beer."

"I was just practicing for how we're going to spend the rest of our lives together."

"I'd rather choke on Blaine's vomit."

"That's graphically disturbing."

"Your choice of living is graphically disturbing."

36. Sebastian questioning food

"Why the hell does Hardee's have a Monster Biscuit? Will you eat a Monster Biscuit, Hummel?"

"I'd eat 6."

"Oh, Hummel, what a big ass you have."

"Better to squash and eventually kill you with, my dear."

37. Sebastian's ideals of a house

"I do not have 'ideals' for a house, Hummel."

"You wanted one in London and in Paris and one in Italy but nowhere near Ohio?"

"I hate this dump. My parents live here. I can't touch Blaine's butt and the alcohol here isn't strong enough. I need somewhere that's sexier and is easier to find cocaine in."

"…aren't you just the most sympathetic, compassion creature ever to exist?"

"This is what I get? Sarcastic remarks when just yesterday, I let you have the last piece of cheesecake."

38. Sebastian overstaying his welcome when the relatives come over

"I'm helping you survive your relatives. The first half of them is shit, telling me I need to fucking lose weight and that some shitty lemony solution is going to open up my pores."

"Sebastian, I never told you to stay over to help me survive my relatives. I already am incapable of tolerating you, and now, I have to withstand my snarky relatives and you as well."

"The other half confuses me for you. I've never been more insulted in my life."

"…Sebastian, I will repeat this again: I just barely tolerate you."

"I just barely fuck you. This relationship is not a monarchy. It is a democracy."

"Shut up."

"Yes, King Hummel."

"At least this time, you identified me as a male."

39. Sebastian's want for useless objects

"I don't want useless shit, Hummel."

"What on Heaven's name do you want to do with a torpedo?"

"Destroy the Titanic."

"First of all, you're about a hundred and one years late and secondly, kill all those people?"

"I was bored."

"You were bored thus you decided to become a mass murderer?"

"Father said I can be anything I want as long as it's not a prostitute. Again."

40. Sebastian's handling of Kurt's clothing

"I do not handle your clothing, Hummel."

"Exactly. You mutilate instead of handle. Also, what is it about my clothing that drives you to this compulsive need to wash every time until the colour's gone from it and then colour code said faded coloured clothing?"

"It's called OCD."

"Get rid of it."

"Thank you for your perpetual support in terms of my mental disorder."

"You yourself are a disorder so I don't see why I should bother."

41. Sebastian provocatively sitting on Kurt's bed

"Hummel, how come you hate that about me? I'd love if you provocatively sit on my bed."

"The problem with this is that you're sitting on a bed in my room, not in an iron-barred bed in the fiery pits of Hell where you can seduce Satan for all I care."

"…you're in a bad mood today. Also, does this mean we get to have iron-barred bed sex?"

42. All Time Low

"What the hell does that even me, Hummel?"

"SEBASTIAN, MY EARS ARE BLEEDING FOR PRADA'S SAKE. IF I HEAR ONE MORE SONG FROM THAT BAND, I WILL THROW YOU OUT OF THE WINDOW ALONG WITH THAT STEREO—OH MY FUCKING—"

"Last time I'll ask you to explain something for me. Sheesh. Temperamental much?"

43. Sebastian's idea for a child's name

"No, Sebastian, we are not naming our child Reuben."

"Yes, we totally are."

"He'll get bullied incessantly because his name is that of a sandwich."

"I'd totally fuck a Reuben."

"Do not molest our son. Also, if you haven't noticed, none of us has the eggs needed to make a child."

"…I can totally buy eggs."

"Not those kinds of eggs."

"I can get myself my own uterus on eBay, Hummel. Just to make my own Reuben."

"There's bread in the pantry, cheese and various cold meats. Do not touch eBay or I will be forced to gnaw off your hand and your currently non-existent uterus."

"You're just jealous because I'm carrying our love child."

"…Love child?"

"Fine. Whiny, prissy hate-infested child."

44. Sebastian's babbling about Kurt's hair products

"Do your companies think it's smart to label lies on your hair goop, Hummel? I mean they say strawberry pink but strawberries aren't fucking pink. They're red."

"Their insides are pink."

"So are yours, Hummel, but when I'm describing human flesh, I don't say strawberry pink."

45. Sebastian's Cheesecake Factory rants

"Why the hell is it called Cheesecake Factory? They're supposed to have menus of cheesecake from all around the world. I'm suing them."

"Sebastian, your name tends to tell me that you are a crab yet I'm not suing you for it."

"I should sue you too. You look nothing like Kurt Cobain."

46. Sebastian bitching about Kurt being 'natural' lotion

"Well, I tend to like natural things being put on my skin, Sebastian."

"Natural shit doesn't mean it's good for you. Hummel, arsenic is also natural but you don't see me gulp down a whole barrel of it."

"Don't give me hope now, Sebastian."

47. Sebastian stuffing senseless with food, in a way that reminds Kurt of the average Grandmother

"Sebastian, I am human. I cannot eat three cakes."

"Shut up. Eat it. Maybe you'd fuck me harder if you were fatter."

"Sebastian, that doesn't even make any sense."

"…it's chocolate."

"Give it to me."

48. Sebastian sleeping in Kurt's bed more than Kurt himself

"But it's warm, Hummel. Your ass has been on it."

"I don't know what to say to that other than get off my bed, Sebastian or I'm telling your Father that we have had vigorous sex on that bed."

"Vigorous sex? Hardly. And he already knows. He asked me to tape it because he doesn't think anything you do can be vigorous other than vigorously bitching."

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree it seems."

"Fucking Hell. Who bought apples into this? That's health crap. Get it away."

"I forgot your aversion to your own health."

"Let my arties be clogged with fat and let me die prematurely of type 2 diabetes."

49. Sebastian saying "Happy Meal" as a euphemism for sex

"You don't let me say sex in the middle of your kitchen anymore just in case your Father hears you. It's really your fault."

"Sebastian, when I said that, I don't mean for you to find me a shitty euphemism. 'Do you want to go make Happy Meal times?' does not turn me on."

"Nothing turns you on. You have no light switch. It is as dark as a cave in your ass too."

"…Sebastian, this is why I top, so you don't make such disturbing comments about my asshole."

"At least you say the words now."

"You make me sick."

"The term is lovesick, Hummel. Get with the programme."

50. Sebastian

"That isn't even a thing I do, Hummel. How the hell can you hate it?"

"I mean I hate you."

"Fine. I hate you too. But your ass is hot so let's have sex."

"…what has my life been reduced to?"

"Reduced? It has been amplified. I bet you've never had as much sex before as now."

"I've had more dignity in the past, Sebastian. And a lot more free time. And less loathing for the universe and how karma works."

"You can buy dignity off eBay too."


(1) I love you/I like you in Arabic, but dude, be careful, as Arabic has about like nine million dialects, and this is purely Egyptian-Arabic. :'D

xo Peanut Butter/Sam