There's the rub – Freaky version
Just to clarify: When I use the names Jess/Lorelai, I'm referring to the person inside and not the body. I hope that makes sense and that this chapter isn't too confusing.
And also, I divided the episode "There's the rub" into at least two parts, because it got to be rather long, mainly because I've added a lot of extra scenes.
"So…" Jess sat on the bed and looked up at the person that looked exactly like him, but claimed he was actually none other than Lorelai Gilmore. "You're saying we switched bodies?"
"Yeah, something like that" She slumped down on the bed next to him. "You ever seen the movie Freaky Friday?"
Jess shook his (or maybe it was hers?) head. "Nope"
"Well, it revolves around a situation similar to this" She gestured between them to clarify just what the situation was.
Jess nodded. "And how do they solve it?"
Lorelai showed her teeth in a grimace that wasn't very flattering to Jess' face. "I can't remember" She sighed.
"Well, isn't that helpful?" He muttered.
Lorelai stood up from the bed and gestured angrily while she talked. "I'm sorry? At least I have seen the movie. If it weren't for me, we'd be clueless as to what happened here"
Jess stood up to, agitated more by the situation than by her words. "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot. There's a movie relating to this – I suddenly feel very comforted"
"Mom?" A voice was heard from downstairs and both Jess and Lorelai froze at the sound.
"Mom!" The voice urged again. "We have to hurry if we're gonna make it to Luke's before school!"
Lorelai gestured to Jess with her eyes and head to try and get him to understand he needed to answer her daughter.
He rolled his eyes. "Be down in a minute!" He yelled back and then shrugged his shoulders towards Lorelai as to ask what to do now.
Lorelai turned around and started looking through her closet. "Here" She threw a pair of jeans at Jess. "Put these on, and….this!" She threw a shirt his way.
Jess looked at the clothes in his hands. "And do what exactly?"
She turned around and stared him in the eye, dead-serious. "Pretend to be me"
He scoffed. "We're going along with this?"
She threw her hands out. "Do you have any better suggestions? Because I'm thinking, if we try to explain this to anyone – it won't be long before the nice people in white robes will be here to pick us up"
Sighing, he started to change from the pajama-bottoms and into the jeans.
"And don't even think about peaking while getting dressed!" Lorelai warned him.
"Wouldn't dream of it" He answered back.
She nodded. "Good. Meet me back here as soon as Rory is off to school"
"Sure" He nodded too and took a deep breath before he headed for the door.
"Here!" Lorelai shoved a bag in his hands. "My phone's in there, in case you run into trouble…and try to lose the monosyllabic thing – that's not me"
Jess rolled his eyes and opened the door.
"You're awfully quiet today" Rory chirped next to him, when they were only a few blocks away from the diner.
Shit, Jess scolded himself. Lorelai was a talkative person, if he was going to pretend to be her, he had to remember that. How hard could it be to ramble on and on about nothing?
"Yeah. I guess I need coffee" He tried and found Rory staring at him with a weird expression on her face. Obviously that wasn't good enough. "You can't expect me to function normally without the elixir of life running through my veins" He repeated something similar to what he overheard Lorelai say to Luke one morning not long ago in the diner.
Rory smiled, seemingly pleased with the answer for the time being and they walked in silence the rest of the way to the diner. She seemed chipper and apparently lack of coffee was an acceptable excuse for not being very chatty when you're Lorelai Gilmore.
"Jeez" When they stepped inside, Jess looked around the construction site that the diner had turned into over night. Luke sure hadn't wasted any time getting the construction going.
Rory quickly made her way through the noise and commotion and sat down at a table and Jess followed her.
"No, can't sit here" Luke appeared behind them only seconds later and gestured for them to get up.
"Why not?" Jess muttered.
"Three people got nailed in the head here earlier" Luke explained and pointed towards another table.
Jess looked at Rory and noticed she wasn't moving and drew the conclusion that Lorelai would probably linger as well.
"Can I order first?" He asked, thinking that that was the kind of thing Lorelai would focus on in a situation like this.
Luke rolled his eyes and pointed towards the bag Lorelai had stuffed in his hands before he left the bedroom. "Outside" He said with a stern voice.
Jess looked up at him with eyebrows raised. Luke had never thrown Lorelai out before. Had he blown the cover already?
"You phone, mom" Rory explained and Jess hurried to find it in his bag. He hadn't recognized the signal.
Thinking it was probably Lorelai, Jess answered without taking any closer look at the number. "Hello"
Luke pointed towards the door and while rolling his eyes at Luke's stupid rules, Jess got up and headed towards it.
"That's not a very polite way to answer your phone Lorelai" He heard a voice scold on the other end of the phone as he opened the door and stepped out.
Shocked, Jess took the phone off his ear and looked at the display. The name "Adolf" was lighting up next to a Hartford number. He sighed and made a qualified guess that this was the infamous Emily; Lorelai's mother. Apparently, he wasn't the only one with mother-issues.
"I'm sorry…mum" He mumbled, the word mum felt weird in his mouth. He didn't even call Liz mum, but he didn't know what Lorelai usually called her mother to her face and 'mum' felt like the safest alternative.
"I wanted to know if you'd like a gift certificate for a weekend at the Birch Grove Spa" The women on the other end asked.
"Spa?" Jess asked dumbly, as he didn't know what else to say.
"Yes, a spa Lorelai" Emily explained, as if talking to a child. "I bid on it at the DAR Symphony Fundraiser and I won. Would you like to have it?"
"A weekend at a spa" Jess repeated, trying to buy himself time to figure out how to respond to this. Maybe he should just hang up.
"Yes" She started to sound impatient. "You do know what a spa is, don't you?"
"Of course I know what a spa is" He retorted, feeling a bit offended. "It's a place where you relax and lay on your back for a weekend. Massages, facials, aromatherapy" He came to a stop when he realized he didn't need to prove his knowledge of what a spa was to this woman.
"So? Do you want it?"
Jess grimaced. What would Lorelai have done? A free weekend at a spa. She would probably have wanted the gift certificate. And from what he'd heard about Lorelai's mother, it was probably easier to accept it than having to explain to her why he didn't want it.
"Sure" He answered. When this situation was dealt with and things were back to normal, Lorelai could probably use a weekend at a spa.
"Great" Emily chirped. "It's for this weekend"
Jess froze. "Wait, what?"
She seemed to completely ignore his interjection as she continued. "You know what? I think I'll go to"
"What?" Jess repeated, louder this time. This was not good. This was really not good.
"Well, the certificate is for two, and you made it sound so wonderful; lying on your back for a weekend, getting pampered. I might as well try it with you"
"But…" Jess tried to stop her.
"That's all right, isn't it?" She interrupted him. "If I join you? You don't mind?"
"Actually, I…" He started, but was interrupted yet again.
"Wonderful!" She exclaimed. "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning"
"But…" Jess tried again, but was interrupted a third time.
"You know, I'm actually looking forward to this. Bye Lorelai. See you tomorrow" And with that she hung up and left Jess staring at the phone.
He had to talk to Lorelai. Soon. She'd know how to get him out of this.
He sighed and went into the diner again. He just had to get Rory off to school suspicion-less first. Then they would figure out how to solve the situation at hand.
Lorelai sighed and leaned back in Rory's desk chair. So much for the internet. There was nothing useful to be found about body switching.
The ending of the movie didn't help much either; they got switched back by committing an act of selfless love. If that was the solution, they'd probably be stuck like this forever.
A knocking on the front door disrupted her thoughts and she headed towards the door, before she suddenly remembered she didn't quite look like the proprietor of the house anymore, so she stopped herself in the corridor between the kitchen and the hallway, hoping that whoever was knocking would give it up and go away.
"Lorelai?" She heard Babette's shrill voice through the door. "Lorelai, are you in there doll?" The voice repeated along with a series of determined knocks.
Lorelai leaned against the wall. Go away, she thought, hoping that Babette had miraculously gotten some psychic powers overnight. Given the situation, that wish didn't seem all too far-fetched.
There was a few more knocks before she apparently gave up. Or did she? Lorelai crept closer to the door and listened as Babette seemed to be talking to someone outside.
"I thought I saw someone in your house" She heard her explain, her high-pitched voice was easily distinguished even through the door.
"Oh" She heard her own voice answer. How weird wasn't that?
"You want me to go with you inside? Scare the intruder away?" Babette's voice came closer to the door and Lorelai backed a few steps, back into the corridor and leaned against the wall as she'd done before.
"Umm…no…thanks" She heard Jess stutter and rolled her eyes. He wasn't doing a great job at impersonating her. "Thanks though" He added and Lorelai let out a breath.
"Are you sure?" Babette asked. "There was this show on TV about burglars and how they've become bolder. Apparently, you're not even safe when you're at home any longer. They don't care – they just go on in and take whatever they want!" Lorelai rolled her eyes again at this. They were in Stars Hollow for Christ's sake. There hadn't been a burglary here – ever!
To her surprise, Jess seemed to have drawn the very same conclusion. "Burglars?" He asked. "In Stars Hollow?"
"Well…" Babette's voice seemed to be leaving, as it was heard further and further away from the door. "…be careful, sugar! And let me know if you need any help!"
Jess muttered something to himself as he searched for the keys and opened the door. He stumbled inside, closed the door and leaned against it as he rubbed his hands over his face.
"Tough morning?" Lorelai stepped out in the doorframe and Jess stirred at the sound of her voice. Or rather his own voice, which was more than enough reason to stir, when you weren't the person using it.
"I don't think Rory suspects anything" He stated. "Have you found anything useful?"
"Well, I don't know" Lorelai started walking towards living room and Jess followed her. "Apparently body switching isn't the nationwide problem you'd thought it'd be"
Jess raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "You don't say?"
Lorelai glared at him, but ignored his comment as she continued. "In the movie, it's an act of selfless love that changes them back" She grimaced at her words.
"It's just a movie, of course it's something sappy like that" Jess muttered in response.
"Just a movie?" Lorelai retorted. "Just a movie? Take a look in the mirror. It's not just a movie! The fortune cookie, the body switching? We're reliving the movie!"
"Okay" Jess held his hands up in defense. "So what's the act of selfless love in the movie then?"
"Well, let's see…The mother realizes how much her daughter loves to play in her rock band, and how happy that makes her…and the daughter finally accepts her mother's new husband because she realize how happy he makes her" Lorelai sighed as she finished.
"So, I guess we're stuck" Jess stated and Lorelai nodded.
"Unless there's a rock band of some sort that you're auditioning for and I could go in your place and then realize how much your music means to you?"
"Sorry" He shrugged his shoulders.
"Didn't think so" She slumped down on the couch and Jess followed suit.
They sat in silence for a while, both of them trying to grasp the very surreal situation they were in.
"Apparently I'm going to a spa with your mother tomorrow" Jess broke the silence a while later.
"What?" Lorelai darted her head up and stared at him.
He sighed. "She called earlier"
"Let me guess…" Lorelai nodded knowingly. "…you thought you were handling the situation very well and then 'BAM'" She slammed her hands together to illustrate the 'BAM'. "You're going to a spa together and there's no reasonable way out of it"
Jess nodded. "That was pretty much it"
"Typical Emily Gilmore" Lorelai nodded too. "But it's okay. It's okay" She repeated it to herself, as if she didn't quite believe it herself. "We'll tell her I'm sick" She stood up and bumped her head up and down enthusiastically, an action that made Jess' undone hair fly all about and Jess grimaced at the image.
She could at least have put some gel in his hair when she'd spent all morning just waiting at the house.
"Something that requires bed-rest" Lorelai continued thoughtfully.
"Isn't spa practically the definition of bed-rest?" Jess chimed in.
"Something contagious then. That'll scare her off" Lorelai paced the room, trying to come up with a solution. Suddenly she stopped. "On second thought…" She looked at Jess, still sitting on the couch and tried to shake away the freaky feeling she got when seeing her own body from the outside. "…it might be a good idea"
"Spa?" Jess asked, knitting his eyebrows in confusion. "Spa is a good idea?"
"Stop doing that!" Lorelai instructed.
"Stop doing what?" he frowned even harder.
"Wrinkling my forehead like that!" She pointed accusingly towards him.
"Like you want me to be all old and wrinkly-looking before I'm even old enough to get a senior citizen-discount"
"Ah, jeez" Jess rubbed his hands in his face.
"Anyway, let's focus!" She sat down beside him on the couch again.
"I'm not the one that keeps side-tracking the conversation" He muttered, more to himself than to her.
"I think it's a good idea for you to go to the spa with my mother" She explained as if that was actually a great idea and not the disaster it really was.
Jess almost choked on his breath. "In what universe does that constitute a good idea?"
"Listen, punk!" Lorelai poked her hand in his chest. "It will take Rory less than a day to figure out something's not right here. You could get away with acting weird in the morning – 'cause I'm not a morning person. You could probably get away with acting weird when she gets back from school and blame it on low caffeine-intake or being famished"
Jess interrupted her rambling. "Don't I get away with acting weird, period – because I'm you?"
"Don't get me started kid…" Lorelai gave it her best effort to sound threatening and was surprised at how much more threatening she sounded with a male voice. "…or I'll do my very best efforts to destroy the bad boy rep. you've got going on"
He rolled his eyes. "Whatever"
"Oh!" Lorelai exclaimed. "So you wouldn't mind if I volunteered your body to one of Miss Patty's dance shows? Or if I skipped down the street listening and singing along to Avril Lavigne? Or maybe Spice Girls? I've heard they're reeaally out by now. Or maybe you're more of a boy-band guy? Backstreet boys? Boyzone? Westlife? You could have your pick, really."
Jess sighed. "Tell me 'bout the spa"
Lorelai smiled, a facial expression that wasn't very often seen across Jess' surly teenage face. "I'll help you with planning the treatments; make sure you spend as much time apart from my mother as possible. Try to survive the weekend with as little interaction with my mother as possible – which by the way is the only way to survive a weekend with my mother – and in the meantime I'll figure out how to reverse this thing, or whatever it is"
Giving up, Jess sighed again. "You better have figured out a solution by the time I get back"
"I'll do my best" She got up from the couch and grabbed the phone. "Now I'll get working on you spa-schedule and you'll write down things I need to know to survive the weekend begin you" She threw a notepad and a pen his way and then disappeared out into the kitchen.
Jess sighed and stared at the notepad.
"Stay away from people" He scribbled on it and then leaned back against the couch. That was it. Simple as that.
"So, here's the deal" Lorelai announced about half an hour later as she came walking into the living room, holding a paper with her scribbles on it out towards Jess. "You'll go into your facial just as my mother is finishing her salt glow, which will end ten minutes after you've hit your scalp treatment, which puts you in the watsu massage pool at least six minutes into her back facial" Lorelai smiled proudly. "In fact, the day is so well planned, you won't have to see her until dinner" She tilted her head. "A dinner that will be cut tragically short by the food poisoning you'll be contracting"
Jess stared at the schedule. "Huh"
"Yeah, and another thing…The use of the word 'huh' will most probably send my mother into a rant about appropriate use of language, so if I were you – which I am – I would try and avoid it"
Jess nodded. "Noted"
After having a rather vivid discussion about what was approved as far as clothing and hair-styles went Lorelai and Jess had established some kind of truce on the matter and was sat at her kitchen table, both with a cup of black coffee in front of them.
"Nice" Lorelai spit the word out and gave Jess an insisting look across the table.
He rolled his eyes. "Nice" He repeated.
Lorelai shook her head fervently. "No. You're doing it wrong. Nice?" She repeated the word, loud and with uttermost disgust. "You have to say it as if the word nice is an assassin that has just murdered your entire family and now she's suggesting that you sit down for dinner together and try to get along"
Jess sighed. "Nice?" He repeated and Lorelai nodded approvingly.
"Now we're getting somewhere. Now repeat after me: 'Nice? My mother doesn't do anything to be nice'"
Jess leaned his head down at the table top and let out a deep breath of air. "Nice?" He repeated with a tired voice. "My mother doesn't do anything to be nice"
"Good" Lorelai encouraged. "Just try to be a little more dramatic and she won't suspect a thing"
"What exactly is she supposed to suspect?" Jess looked up from the table top. "That the person inside her mother's body isn't her mother?"
"She's seen Freaky Friday" Lorelai explained, as if that was all evidence needed. "Now, when you're done with the nice-bit, she will say it's not that bad, so you'll go into a rant about my mother being manipulative and how she roped you into this, maybe mention the evil Gilmore mastermind"
"Are you serious?" He glared at her across the table.
"Okay" He sighed. "So…Emily's manipulative, the evil Gilmore mastermind…" Jess started counting on his fingers. "…mention the evading schedule"
"Oh!" Lorelai exclaimed. "Don't forget to mention her throwing a party and inviting hundreds of bikers and low-lives that are gonna trash the place"
Lorelai shook her head. "It's a thing we have. Just go with it"
Jess shook his head at her craziness. "Okay"
"Let me hear the list again" Lorelai urged and Jess sighed.
"Emily's manipulative, evil Gilmore mastermind, evading schedule, party, bikers and low-lives"
"Don't forget about the trashing!"
Jess rolled his eyes. "I won't. Now I think there's an apron with your name on it at the diner" He drew his lips to an evil smirk that Lorelai made a mental note to use sometime in the future when she was back in her own body, because it actually did look rather good on her face.
"Where have you been?" Luke scolded the minute Lorelai stepped through the door to the diner.
"School" She answered as she started to put her apron on.
"School starts at 6:30?" He asked, his tone revealing that 'yes' was probably not the correct answer to his question.
"I had to take care of some things" She said as she poured herself a cup of coffee from the pot and placed it on the counter.
"You were supposed to pick up a shift at the diner this morning" Luke informed with a disturbed glare at the coffee and Lorelai cringed inwardly.
She felt bad for Luke. Jess always bailed on him. But this morning she had had a good excuse to bail from the morning shift – she hadn't even known there was a morning shift to be picked up.
"I'm sorry Uncle Luke" She offered and Luke didn't look quite as surprised at her apology as she had thought he would. Hmm, maybe Jess did actually apologize for his lack of manners from time to time.
"Just be on time tomorrow morning" Luke answered as he grabbed the coffee pot behind Lorelai and went to give a refill to the tables by the window, which by the way were the only tables in the entire diner that it was safe to sit at.
Lorelai inhaled a large gulp of the coffee in front of her. This shouldn't be too hard. Just ignore the customers, be rude and ignorant and don't talk to anyone. Piece of cake.
Speaking of which…Would it be too out of character for Jess to grab a piece of pie to accompany the coffee?
With a longing glance towards the pies on the counter Lorelai came to the conclusion that it probably would.
Following Lorelai's instructions, Jess entered the house which he had just left to talk a quick walk around the block to give the impression he was just coming home from work. After a quick check, making sure that Rory was in her room to take notice of his acting, he staggered towards the kitchen table, slumped down on a chair and crashed his forehead against the table and let out a loud groan.
As Lorelai had anticipated, that action lured Rory out of her room and into the kitchen.
"What's wrong?" She asked as she sat down on a chair next to him.
"My mother is what's wrong" Jess answered, following Lorelai's manuscript.
"What did she do this time?" Rory asked and as Jess pulled his head off of the table he saw Rory in the process of starting the coffee-maker, and he nodded to himself. He had to admit, Lorelai knew her daughter well – so far she had predicted Rory's every move.
"We're going for a spa-weekend together" He waited for a second, as per Lorelai's instructions. "This weekend" He added and watched as Rory turned around.
"That's nice of her to invite you" Rory lectured, just as Lorelai had assumed she would.
"Nice?" He repeated, trying to make his voice sound as horrified as Lorelai had requested it would. "My mother doesn't do anything to be nice" He tried to spit out the word nice to make it sound anything but, the way Lorelai had instructed him to.
"It won't that bad. You like spa's, right?" Rory tried to calm her mother as she turned around to continue making coffee.
"But not with my mother" He continued, thinking that maybe he should consider acting as a future career choice, on the other hand – this experience was probably not one you could put on a resumé. "She used the evil Gilmore mastermind to manipulate me into this thing" He continued and the weird look Rory gave him as she twirled around to face him again told him that it was probably best to cross 'actor' out from his list of possible careers.
Rory shook her head with a smile. "I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself once you're there"
"Yeah" Jess muttered, all thoughts consumed by just how badly he had screwed up just now. But apparently, you could get away with a lot of weird things if your name was Lorelai Gilmore.
Propped up on the mattress that she'd woken up on that very same morning, Lorelai looked around the apartment. The entire wall on the other end of the room was covered in plastic and the rest of the apartment was crammed with stuff to say the least.
She smiled, expanding the diner apartment was probably the best thing to do. For some reason unknown, Luke loved this place.
When she heard the sound of the bathroom door opening, Lorelai quickly picked up a book that was lying next to the mattress and pretended to read. She glanced up at Luke and her breath hitched in her throat when her eyes fell on an almost naked Luke, folding his clothes into neat piles on a chair next to the bathroom.
He was fresh out of the shower and wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and she felt it was impossible to tear her eyes away from him.
Look away, she told herself, but was unable to follow through on her own instructions. This is weird. This is not the way a nephew looks at his almost naked Uncle. Look away!
Feeling her cheeks turning into a blush that was probably not very Jess-like, at least not in a situation like this, Lorelai forced herself to rip her eyes away from Luke's naked torso and focus on the book in her lap.
You're reading. You're Jess – you like reading. You like reading more than you like staring at Luke's bare chest. She inhaled a deep breath of air and peeked up from behind her book. But it was a really nice-looking chest. Who could have known that that was what was underneath all that flannel?
Suddenly Luke looked up from folding his clothes and Lorelai quickly shifted her gaze back into the letters of the book. She tried to recall how completely engulfed in her books Rory used to be, and tried to copy that posture as she stared intently into the open book.
Without taking any particular notice of her extensive efforts to appear to be completely engulfed in the book she was holding, Luke walked right past her and towards his bed.
Lorelai peaked up from behind her book again to see where he was heading next. "Wow!" She exclaimed without thinking when she saw Luke crawling into bed. "You got to bed this early?"
Luke shot her a confused look. "You've been living here for a couple of weeks, you haven't noticed until now?"
Crap. Crap, crap, crap! "Well, you know me…" Lorelai tried to smooth over her slip of the tongue. "I don't really care about other people"
Luke looked if possible even more confused before he shook his head and leaned back on his pillows and turned the lights out.
Ookay, Lorelai thought and leaned her head back against the pillow as well. Apparently, the nights came early in the Dane's household. She sighed, reached her hand out to turn off the light as well and crawled under the cover. When in Rome, do as the Romans.
She closed her eyes and to her surprise she actually felt tired. It had been a long day.
"So…umm…I'm gonna go to bed?" Jess informed in direction of the closed bathroom door, although it came out more as a question than a piece of information. He didn't know whether Lorelai usually stayed up late or went to bed early.
"Goodnight mum" Rory opened the bathroom door, stood on her toes and kissed his cheek before she turned around and ventured into her bedroom, closing the door behind her.
Jess stood, frozen on the kitchen floor. He reached his hand up and touched his cheek. The warm, fuzzy feeling spreading through his stomach was not the kind of feeling a mother should get when her daughter kissed her cheek.
Nope – his reactions were apparently still very much Jess'.
He let out a deep sigh and watched Rory's closed door before he slowly made his way towards the stairs.
"Goodnight" He murmured as he walked towards the stairs, feeling more confused than he ever felt before in his life.