I have to admit this is probably the most random thing I have ever conceived in my twisted brain but I'm doing it anyway. So basically this will not be updated frequently but it's a…review, I guess you could say, from all the best Sonic games to all the most infamously bad ones (Sonic '06), based on all the glitches, plot holes and just annoying things about a Sonic game. Obviously I've decided to start with the infamously bad. Also, I might do any new games that come out too.
SONELISE FANS! READ THIS! Just a side note I have a bad opinion of SonElise, not SonElise fans just the couple. If you like them but you don't mind me poking a little fun at the couple keep reading. If you don't want to hear anything against SonElise whatsoever then just skip Stupid Thing #4.
All rights go to SEGA. I own nothing.
Enjoy the random stuff.
Stupid Thing #1
"Okay, Tails, let's go save Elise!" I whooped to my loyal little brother/sidekick.
"Aaaaaaaaaah! Sonic help me!"
I turned around to find Tails crying as he shook uncontrollably, almost as if he was being tazored.
"Great! Not again!" I shouted to no one in particular.
"It hurts," he whimpered. It was times like these when I really hate the game developers.
"Alright, I'm gonna move forward and hopefully that will solve it," I reassured him as I took a large step.
Tails returned back to his normal self and smiled. "Thanks, Sonic," he chirped cheerily.
"Ok, Tails, now we really got to go save the princess," I laughed at his sweet little face looking up at me with gratitude.
Stupid Thing #2
"Hurry up, Buddy!" I called behind me. I could hear the distant sound of Tails' tails twirling like a helicopter.
"I need a break," he huffed as he fell to the ground.
"Seriously! Dude, you were only flying for five seconds and you're already tired?" I laughed.
"Shut up," he grumbled, "I'm not the one you need to blame here anyways, it's the—"
"Yeah yeah, I know, the developers," I interupted him and waved my hand in dissmisal.
"It's true!" he yellped.
"I know it's true," I replied in an attempt to calm the eight-year-old down, "I just don't get why they make it so you can fly really close to the ground forever but when you actually want to be useful you get too tired too fast to get anything done."
"They're assholes," he grumbled bitterly.
"Hey! Where did you learn that word?" I said scoldingly.
"You say it all the time," he whimpered.
"I do not say that word," I protested, "and you shouldn't either. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Sonic," was his childish reply to my command.
I know I don't seem like the type but I really do have to be a good role model when I have such a young kid hanging around me.
Stupid Thing #3
Upside Down Crisis
"Assholes!" I jeered from the top of a loopty loop while I hung upside down.
"Sonic!" Tails hissed, "You told me to never say—"
"I changed my mind!" I snapped at him, "There's no harm in calling things the way you see them. These gamers are assholes! Assholes, assholes, assholes!"
"You know, Sonic, it's not entirely their fault," he pointed out, "The game developers are the ones who made this possible."
Tails had almost managed to appeal to my more forgiving side but then I heard the laughter at my expense from the other side ot the screen.
"Assholes!" I yelled out again, knowing that they couldn't hear me, "You're not the one who's stuck in this stupid game and has to hang upside down for an hour so some middle-aged men who still live in their mother's basement can laugh at me! I'm getting light-headed! Let me down you—"
I saw Tails from the corner of my eyes as he took in my little 'vocabulary lesson,' which I, no doubt, would have to scold him for using sometime in the near future.
"Okay, Sonic," he laughed, "This isn't going to help."
"I don't care!" I screamed.
Finally I felt my feet beginning to move. I began to progress in the stage, muttering all the while about the jerks who continuously ran me into things, drowned me and did anything they could think of to make me die.
Stupid Thing #4
Trial of Love
"Sonic, I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I really hope you choose me because…I love you," Elise said softly and sweetly.
"Well, that's nice, but I think I'm gonna go with Amy," I stated bluntly as I turned on my heel.
She looked at me, clearly shocked by my choice.
"Why?" she cried out.
I sighed. Did I really have to explain this to her?
"First, you are a human. I am a hedgehog. Beastiality is illegal (where the author of this story lives) and I don't plan on breaking the law anytime soon, unless, of course, it's a speeding limit," I said.
"It's not forbidden in Japan, which is where this game comes from," she pointed out in a desperate almost pleading way.
"That explains a lot," I gagged, "but still, there are other reasons."
"Like what!" she cried out, I swear this girl was getting more frustrating by the minute.
"The weird monk guy, or whatever he is, said that the person I choose will help me during the upcoming battle," I replied, "Let's see, who do I want backing me up in battle, a princess with no fighting experience or a girl with anger management problems, tons of experience and a big hammer…yeah, I'm going for the hammer girl."
She remained persistent and argued again, "That shouldn't be the deciding factor in who you want to be with!"
"You're right!" I exclaimed, "then let's look at our history. I met you a few days ago and saved you a couple times. I met her when I was still classic Sonic and I have had a comical yet real friendship with her ever since."
"Listen," I interrupted her, "Elise, you're a very nice girl and I have nothing against you but I have a million reasons why this relationship is just another stupid thing about this game and I think it would be best for everyone if you just accept that. 'Kay? Bye!"
In a flash I was gone and off with Amy to, hopefully, hammer some enemies to death.
Stupid Thing #5
"Play times over, Egg…woah," I was shocked by what I was seeing. I know I was on the Egg Carrier with a job to do but this was seriously weird.
"What's wrong?" Elise asked.
"I can't make fat jokes about Eggman anymore!" I cried out over the alarms.
Elise looked at me confused.
"Oh," Dr. Eggman said as he struck a pose, "so you did notice."
"Yeah," I answered, "I mean, I didn't really get a good look at you before but now, woah. How did you do that?"
Dr. Eggman winked, "It my little secret."
"C'mon!" I yelled out in frustration, "I got a friend who could lose a few pounds! Tell me!"
"Excuse me," she screamed, "the ships going to collapse any second now, maybe we should leave."
I raised my hand signaling for her to stop and continued my conversation with the Doctor, "You remember Big the Cat, right?"
"Oh, yes," Ivo nodded, "he's even more obese than I was."
"We're all going to die!" Elise screamed as she threw herself on the floor.
"Shut up Elise!" I commanded, "no one cares!"
"Well, I suppose I could divulge my secret to you if it's for that adorable, blubbering oaf," he said kindly.
"Thanks, Doc, I'm sure he would appreciate—"
Boom, bam, boom.
"Well, I guess we'll have to wait," I sighed in disappointment, "C'mon, Elise."
She looked up at me with anger in her eyes, "How could you just stand around talking about—"
"You should just be glad Amy even let me come here to save you," I told her, "Until next time, Doc."
He nodded to me and gave me my cue to leave with Elise in my arms.
Okay, that's it. I hope I didn't piss anyone off with the SonElise thing. Also forgive me if I didn't spell loopty loop right. Please review. Bye.