Title: So Hard...
Author: Haruka xHaruka17x@a...
Disclaimer: I don't own GW.
Pairing: 1+3, 1xR
Rating: R
Warning: AU, OOC, Angst, some Sap
Notes: Enjoy and Please R&R. Hope you enjoy!!


He was over me, so strong so warm and wanting. I loved him. I loved him with all I had but I couldn't be with him, not completely. His hands were all over me, he already had taken off my shirt and was now kissing my neck and chest...I wanted him so badly it hurt, but...I couldn't. He kissed lower and he was right above my waistband...I had to stop this.

"Heero no, don't" He whimpered. He wasn't listening, he was unzipping my pants. "Heero no" I said, finally sitting up and pushing him away. "Don't..."

He moved back up to my lips, hungrily kissing me, as his hand slips under my pants, squeezing my erection lightly. I pushed him harshly this time.

"I said no" I said, standing up. This was it...

"Why not? We've been together for 4 months, don't you love me?" He asked, looking vulnerable, sitting back on his heels on the bed, his shirt off.

Yes, I do with every breath I take, but I can't be with you...."No" I lied, in a whisper. His eyes widened and watered. His face was pure anguish and pain. I wanted to run to him, hug him, hold him, tell him how much I really did love him and wanted to be with him...but I couldn't, I wanted him to be happy and that wouldn't be with me...oh Heero...

His face looked down at his hands, and suddenly he looked up at me with his teared stained face that I caused and my own eyes watered, this was so hard...I just wanted to run to him.

"Get out" He said in a frightening, dangerously, deep voice, his face changed from hurt to pure hatred. No don't hate me please...My heart hurted.

"I hate you" He said, and my heart shattered in millions of pieces, but I deserved it....

"I'm sorry H-" I tried to tell him, but he got up from the bed and glared evilly at me, silencing me on the spot.

"Get out! Get out! Get out!" He yelled, furiously and I left the room. As I closed the door I leaned against it, my own tears falling quickly. "Heero..."

I then had realize that Duo was there, looking at me, so I quickly headed for the dorm's main door.

"What happen?" Duo asked, but I only left, as he was making his way towards Heero's room.

In the hallway I started to run to my own dorm room. I crashed into my bed, crying, gaining a worried look from my roommate, Quatre.

"Trowa? Did you and Heero have a fight?" He asked, innocently.

"We broke up..." I murmured. "Just leave me alone..." I said. Moments later I heard him leaving the room.

"Heero.." I cried till I fell asleep.

----------

I slipped out of my room, my books in my hands, only in time to see Heero and Duo walking by. Heero looked so angry and Duo gave a glare my way, not that I had blamed him.

I dutifully walked to the classroom with my eyes downcast. I sat all the way in the back, and looked at him. He was solving the equations easily and I couldn't even bring myself to pick up my own pencil. And I couldn't help but watch helplessly as Relena started talking to him. He didn't even acknowledged her, only ignored her and continued with the math.

----------A few days later...

I was sitting outside for lunch, under the three that he and I used to sit under, together. I took out my apple just as I heard girls giggling and found Relena standing over me.

"Hi Trowa, I heard you and Heero broke up, is it true he left you?" She asked. I had left him, but either way I lost him, so I had only nodded in answer to her question. Her face lit up quickly.

"So he's free?" She asked happily, obviously not caring about my feelings. Again I nodded.

"Oh good! Um...bye Trowa" She said, and ran off, no doubt in search for Heero.

I sighed, I missed him so much...His smile he had only for me, the way he would hold me in his arms, his kisses, oh Heero...It had only been a few days but it was driving me crazy and I wished that I would have died already. My health has been fading and I have been getting physically weaker. Now I had lost the only thing that had ever mattered to me, Heero.

The bell rang. I picked up my things and started to make my way to the main building, but then I decided to go see if Heero was in his dorm, I needed to tell him, I didn't want him to hate me or pity me, I just wanted him to understand.

I made my way up one flight of stairs only to stop and try to catch my breath. One more to go.

----------

Finally, I was at his and Duo's door. I knocked, but no answer. I knocked again, no answer. I decide to try and see if the door was locked, it wasn't. I pushed it open slowly and slipped inside. I heard noises coming from Heero's room. I made my way over and open the door, only to be completely crushed, sick and betrayed. I felt my heart drop to the floor, it wasn't beating as my eyes couldn't pry away from the sight. My tears fell down my cheeks as Relena screamed Heero's name as she climaxed.

"Heero..." I said unconsciously and shakingly, gaining both of their attentions.

"Trowa, how rude!" Relena yelled, covering herself. But I only stared at Heero. My vision had gotten blurry, as my eyes were full of tears, running down my cheeks one by one. I couldn't make out Heero's face, I didn't know what he was thinking or how he was looking at me, was it with anger? pain? hurt? or pity? I couldn't see.

Suddenly I was sobbing, surprising myself and now I could see Heero's form moving, he was turned towards me now, but I couldn't see his expression, to many tears were in my eyes. I stepped back and out of the room, closing the door behind me as I leaned against it and slipped down to the floor and brought up my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, crying.

I could hear Relena talking to Heero but I didn't know what she was telling him.

Moments later I heard a door slam, and I looked up to find an angry Duo looking down at me. I wanted to leave, I wanted to die. Shakingly I had gotten up to my feet and started making my way towards the door.

Duo only looked at me, I wasn't sure what his expression was either, I couldn't bring myself to look at him, somehow I was scared to. But suddenly I felt too dizzy to keep walking, I heard Heero's door open, panic had rushed threw my body, but I was able to feel myself falling, I was falling but I couldn't move, it was dark...

----------

I had fainted, but...Heero was next to me, I could feel him. I didn't want to open my eyes, I didn't want to see does beautiful blue eyes full of anger towards me. Why couldn't I just die, I wanted to tell him I loved him, I wanted tell him why...but I was so scared.

"Well, I'm leaving, call me" Relena told Heero. He didn't say anything. I quickly remembered the memory of seeing them together in bed...tears slipped from my closed eyes.

"Is he awake yet?" I heard Duo asking, I must have been on the sofa.

"No" Heero told him. I wanted to cry, there's was so much anger in that deep voice of his, but a tiny crum of concern as well.

Tears, my tears, they were slipping down my face...

A hand, Heero's hand, he was whipping my tears away...I wanted to hug him to me and never let go.

"Heero?"I murmured, pretending to only now just awaken. But to my surprise and dismay, Heero got up and left the dorm...

"He's not here, you past out" Duo told me, as he placed himself in my line of view, as I slowly sat up.

"Oh..." My eyes downcast. Why had he left? "Um...thanks for putting me on the sofa...sorry" i told him, while getting up. He didn't say anything.

I moved towards the door but Duo stopped me.

"Why Trowa? Why the fuck did you leave Heero?"He barked, he was angry. I didn't say anything, I was too ashamed, I only looked at my hand that was resting on the doorknob.

"Why?" He yelled, as he turned me around ruffly to face him. "What do you have cooties or something? Hm??" I dimly nodded, unable to look at him.

"I'm...sick Duo, I'm not good enough for Heero...Relena is..."I had visibly winst at the last comment, more tears had fallen from my eyes. I heard Duo gasp.

"Sick?Good enough? What its not like you have AIDS or something!" He yelled, innocently telling my faith. I only looked up at him, I guess AIDS was just has bad if not worse then what I had. I said nothing to correct him.

"Ohmygod..."Duo murmured, now knowing why. I opened the door and turned lightly towards him.

"Don't tell him...please, and...and make sure he's happy...with her" That hurt so much to say those words...now I was dead, only thing left was my physical form to die as well, my soul and heart were already burnt, decayed, dead...

I left before he could have said anything.

--------------------

Its been 2 days sense I had left my room, sense Duo had found out my faith, sense I had seen Heero...with her. I laid on my bed in my room. Quatre had tried to come in to confort me, I didn't know if Duo had told him or not, if he had, Quatre hadn't said anything.

I've been nauseated and vomiting. I was too tiered to really do anything...

I heard a faint knock at my door. I just listened. The person decided to come in.

"Trowa?" It was Sally, the school nurse. Only her and the principal Lady Une, knew about my condition, and now Duo did as well.

She came near my bed and carefully sat herself next to me.

"Trowa, are you all right? You haven't been in class for two days." She said, while placing her gentle hand on my forehead, I guessed to see if I have a fever.

"I'm fine" I murmured, sitting up and looking up at her. She gave me a caring smile. My eyes downcast once more.

"Are you sure? You have a fever and you don't look well, your eyes are a bit yellow. I think...I think you should come stay in the clinic, your getting worse" She said, I only nodded.

"I'll come back later to take you, you should pack up your things, ok?" She said, as she opened the door, I nodded once more. I knew that my skin had an eerie yellow tone to it, but in the dim room, she couldn't tell.

She left.

----------

I was all packed up, and just as I sat on my bed, my heart skipped a couple of beats has I looked up to find Heero looking at me, as if studying me. I hadn't heard him come in.

"Heero..."I whispered. He only stared at me. His features looked as if he was in pain, but I wasn't sure. He suddenly looked at my bags then moved quickly towards me.

SMACK.

I felt the sting of his slap on my cheeks, more tears ran to my eyes, my hand against my cheek, as I looked up at him why.

"I've been trying to wait this out, for you to come back somehow, but your not, your leaving instead..." He spat. I looked down at the floor between my feet, still holding my pained cheek. "Look at me in my eyes and tell me, you don't love me, tell me I'm not what you want, WE are not what you want." He said in a low voice, full of anger he was trying to control.

"What about Relena" I murmured, quickly regretting it.

"I don't love her, I love you" He said, making me look up at him quickly, he's never actually said it before. More tears swam in my eyes, sliding down my cheeks. I then turned my attention back to the spot between my feet.

Heero kneeled down in front of me and took my chin in his hand. I looked up at him, those eyes...

"Tell me you don't Trowa, tell me and I'll leave...forever" He said, with sadden trembles of his voice.

I tried, but I couldn't, I only looked away. He grabbed my chin once more only to bring his soft lips, hungrily over mines. I kissed him back just as hungrily and needy as he. His tongue demanded entry and I opened my mouth slightly, letting him in. Our tongues wrestled against the other, my arms automatically wrapped themselves around Heero's neck and his around my waist. He brought me onto the floor with him, laying me back gently, as he moved over me. We pulled away slowly.

"I love you Trowa, be with me" He said, looking into my eyes. I started to cry and pushed him lightly, sitting my self up.

"I can't Heero..." He said, while sobbing furiously. His brow became furrow and he stood up looking down at me. I hesitantly looked up at him.

"I hate you, I hope you wroth in hell" He said. My eyes widened at the cold words he just said without any emotion whatsoever. As he turned to leave, I launched forward and grabbed his leg, holding him as tightly has I could in my condition, but I knew all to well that Heero was a lot stronger then I, but I still didn't know what possessed me to launch out at him. I looked up at him pleadingly and most obviously pathetically as well.

"Heero please don't go..." I cried. He only looked down at me confused. "Please...don't let me die alone..." I cried into his leg, sobbing my hart out, felling dizzy and nauseated, my fever making me sweat heavily.

I could feel him, pulling his leg free from my weakened grasp. He was leaving ad I was laying on the floor, felling my eyes go heavy till I blacked out once more.

----------

I felt something cold and wet on my forehead, a rag no doubt. I knew I was in my bed, the familiar comfort and smell telling me so. Then the suddenly movement on my bed...someone was here.

"Heero...?" I hoarsely managed to say.

"Shh..." He said. I pry my eyes open to look up at him. His face full of concern. He's so beautiful. But I look away, I'm not allowed to love him...I can't. More tears escape my eyes.

"Trowa what's wrong? You black out. Why did you say your gonna die? Why won't you look at me?"He pleas to know. I take a deep breath, and without looking at him, I told him.

"Because I love you, but I can't"I said. He took my chin in his hand again and made me look at him.

"Why not?" He asked, angry tears in his eyes.

"Because I'm dyeing Heero, I'm dyeing..." He told him. His eyes widened at me reply.

"What...? How? Why?" He asked, now agreer, but not at me.

"I have HIV and HP C"I told him, there, its all out...

He takes me in his arms and sits me on him, as he lays himself on my bed. Suddenly he cries. I never 'heard' him cry before. He held me tightly, sobbing into my shirt, telling me he won't let me die alone. He didn't.

----------

When I fell asleep that night, I past away, in his arms, loved....

OWARI