This is a crossover fic, focusing on Naruto, with chapter-long cameos from various anime/video game series. No, I don't own Naruto/Portal/Inuyasha/YYH/Ouran/DBZ, etc. Being familiar with both fandoms (per related chapters) is nice but definitely isn't necessary. Feel free to skim on through to the next section if you absolutely have to (as opposed to skipping). Believe it or not, there is some linear coherency in here… somewhere.
Previously titled 'Interdimensional Travel no Jutsu!' and 'Goodbye Fourth Wall, and Welcome to GLaDOS, Inc.' because I have title ADD. It will probably keep changing until someone yells at me to stop.
A/U from somewhere near the beginning of the Confining the Jinchūriki Arc. Yeah... in case crack readers happen to care about that sort of thing.
Chapter 0: A Brief Introduction.
Previously, on Naruto: Shippoden…
In a quaint little cottage situated in the outskirts of The Land of Sound, Tobi, Kabuto, Zetsu, Kisame and Uchiha Madara were hunched over a stack of world domination papers in preparation for the Fourth Shinobi World War when a conveniently placed flaming meteorite plummeted from the sky straight into their backyard. The ensuing explosion decimated everything within a 50 mile radius and left no survivors, much to the consternation of anarchists and Akatsuki fans everywhere.
Fortunately for Sasuke, the Akatsuki had a thing against people recovering from eye-replacement surgery and didn't see fit to invite him to their top-secret meeting. Instead he had been lying in an unevenly lumpy bed wishing he hadn't stabbed Karin through the chest as Jugo hand-fed and generally pampered him while Suigetsu moped in a corner.
Meanwhile, the Allied Shinobi forces were pleasantly surprised by their "victory." With nothing concrete to hold them together, the ensuing celebration had been cut short as the whole party promptly dissolved into in-fighting, and everyone went home before someone unwittingly started the next worldwide war.
Sasuke continued to wander through various countries with Team Taka and spent most of his time evading border patrol and concocting half-baked plans to destroy anything even remotely associated with Konoha's Councilors, including but not limited to any unsuspecting villagers who happened to look at him funny.
And so, our heroes found themselves with little to do, and returned to life as they knew it before some crazy Uchihas had attempted to destroy the world with tailed beasts.
Somewhere in Sound...
Sasuke had a lot of time to think.
There were only so many hours in a day you could spend flying through treetops, sparring with your annoyingly talkative teammate, and attempting to think up plans to destroy Konoha that didn't result in thoroughly getting your ass kicked by an entire shinobi army.
Sometimes he even forgot why he was doing it in the first place.
Oh, wait. Itachi. Uchiha compound slaughter. Traumatized childhood.
Still, organizing criminal activities wasn't his strong suit. It was a shame the Akatsuki had to go and not dodge a giant meteorite, but what can you do?
He attempted to hold onto the idea that everyone in Konoha had to suffer and die simply for existing in blissful ignorance, but his dedication faded every time he tried explaining to someone how his conclusion even remotely made sense. Sasuke Uchiha did not particularly enjoy stuttering out sentences that included the phrases "deep hatred," "creature of darkness," and "the depths of despair." The last three people he explained his motives to had outright laughed at him. They were dead now, of course, but his hatred had cooled down to a nice simmer, and Sasuke decided that only Councilors Mitokado and Utatane absolutely needed to die. For now. In the meantime, Sasuke would still heatedly proclaim to anyone willing to listen that everyone in Konoha deserved to perish, but that was mostly because it made it easier to justify indiscriminately slaughtering anyone who got in his way.
In retrospect, indiscriminate slaughter wasn't his brightest move. Not too long ago Team Taka chased what they had thought was Councilor Koharu Utatane attending the premiere tour of Cirque de Lune in Yugakure. The peaceful and relatively defenseless tourist village hadn't stood a chance. Suigetsu had promptly dropped the whole "silent infiltration" act almost immediately upon arrival (when Sasuke later confronted him about it, Suigetsu had held up his hands and feigned ignorance, claiming he thought that's how they were doing things nowadays). Although they hadn't quite successfully assassinated the Councilor, Team Taka had managed to obliterate an entire section of the village.
When a haggard-looking boy of about seven tried jump-tackling Sasuke to the floor while threatening to kill him in the name of vengeance for his murdered family, Sasuke had briefly considered rethinking his current strategy. Or lack thereof.
He supposed destroying Konoha wasn't entirely necessary. Maybe they could come to some sort of an agreement? One that involved Councilors Mitokado and Utatane being hanged, quartered, and drawn, perhaps?
"Sasuke, great news!" Suigetsu landed gracefully in front of him, looking smug. "Homura Mitokado's great-niece is turning seven this month, and he's planning on taking her to see Swan Lake. The ballet's currently touring in Fire Country in a civilian town, so we might end up with some casualties, but..."
"Fuck Konoha. Let's go."
Those slimy bastards were probably thinking up a dozen painfully inept ways to drag him back and lock him up in prison forever, anyway.
Meanwhile, back in Konoha...
"Two sevens," Sai carefully placed two cards down onto the table, making sure the deck was still neatly in line.
"I call bullshit."
Sai smiled blithely and flipped the cards over. Two sevens.
"Sai, you called two sevens the last three rounds. This isn't fair!" Sakura moaned in defeat, burying her face into her arms as Sai pushed the pile of cards towards her.
"You're not very good at this game, are you?" Sai said lightly. "Naruto, your move."
"This is so boring. Where the hell is Kakashi-sensei?! He was supposed to be here two hours ago!"
"Naruto, get up off of the floor and make your goddamn move. I am not going to lose to you and Sai at a game of Cheat."
"I could be sleeping," Naruto continued, tuning out both of his teammates. "I could be eating ramen. I could be sleeping and eating ramen."
"Sakura..." Sai had pulled out their mission scroll and was staring at it intently. "I'm not listed here."
"What?" She grabbed the scroll from his hands. "That's ridiculous, I specifically requested... Oh, whatever. You're coming with us anyway."
"Ah..." Sai rose from the table. "Actually, you see..."
"Sai! This is supposed to be a chance for us to all spend time together! You know, bonding. Don't you want to bond with me? Don't you?!"
He coughed lightly into his hand. "It certainly looks like a... challenging mission, ugly, but it appears that I'm not assigned with you this time, and I have other places to be." Sai regarded her seriously for a moment. "I believe that we've bonded quite well over the past couple of months as it is. I even have unique nicknames for both of you. What more do you want from me?"
Sakura rolled her eyes and shooed him off. The ex-ANBU didn't need to be given permission twice. Naruto was still lying on the floor next to the park table.
Mindful of the time, she began gathering up the playing cards. "Hey, cheer up. I'm sure Kakashi'll turn up any minute now. And it'll be fun! Really, you'll see!"
"And..." she bit her lip. "Maybe we'll run into Sasuke! You'd like that, wouldn't you? I know how much you wanted to-"
Naruto's stomach growled. "Fuck Sasuke. Next time I see him, I'm dragging him back here in a body bag."
Maybe we should get him something to eat before we leave, Sakura thought.
A/N: Every author likes reviews. Fact. They make us feel all fuzzy inside and jump-start our inner muses. I try to review often and encourage others to do the same, because on the whole I feel it helps the community prosper. But there are lots of stories, some people genuinely don't have anything to say, and authors who consistently beg are annoying. So! Review if you are so inclined as it will be much appreciated, but otherwise, happy reading!