A/N: Ask and ye shall receive. For the record, the entire scene is based on a rather adorable scene from How I Met Your Mother, which may or may not have included Jennifer Morrison.
Ruby's Phone Log
Caller ID: unknown
Caller No.: 207 -566-9371
Recipient ID: She-who-must-not-be-named
Recipient No.: 207-028-0108
Time of call: 3:54PM 1/30/2013
Call length: 4m 37s
Unknown ID: Good afternoon, Madam Mayor!
She-who-must-not-be-named: Who is this? How did you get this number?
Unknown ID: The one who's taken herself for a walk as per your suggestion. You'd be surprised what sort of things you can find outside. Now before you hang up, know that I've figured out your darkest secret, I'm going to blackmail you until you agree to my terms, and I have an accomplice in the field so don't even think about getting out of this. Just let that sink in for a moment. Are you at the diner?
She-who-must-not-be-named: Yes, I am.
Unknown ID: And Emma is with you, unharmed for now, I assume? I need to talk to her too.
She-who-must-not-be-named: Yes, she is. I trust you are capable of explaining your message to her on your own.
Unknown ID: I know you love her.
She-who-must-not-be-named: Excuse me? That is ridiculous.
Unknown ID: That is the truth, Madam Mayor, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the sooner we can all breathe in peace. So here's what I'm proposing—
She-who-must-not-be-named: I highly advise you not to—
Unknown ID: Shut up, Regina! Thank you.
Unknown ID: (whispers) Wow, who knew it could be this easy.
Unknown ID: (clears throat) Anyway, like I said, here's what I'm proposing: neither of you leave that diner until my accomplice informs me that the two of you have worked things out because newsflash, Emma loves you too. Hold it! Hold that breath right there and let me finish! You forget that I can see a lot of things most people are oblivious to. I've seen a lot. I've seen that Emma trusted you when no one else did, as you undoubtedly remember. I've seen how she defended you in front of her own parents on multiple occasions.
She-who-must-not-be-named: She did?
Unknown ID: I think she's deluding herself because you are the mother of her son and she wants to see the good in you, but I sincerely hope I'm very wrong here. You're never there, but Emma fights for you. She fights for you wherever she goes. I saw her break Whale's nose when he insulted your, er, honor or whatever last night.
She-who-must-not-be-named: Oh. While flattering, that hardly changes the—
Unknown ID: This isn't just about Emma. Don't think I've been missing the looks you give her. You're lonely and not nearly as good a liar as you think you are. People like me can literally smell it off you for miles. We both know Emma's a hot piece of ass, but there's more to it than that, isn't there? You have had so many opportunities to get rid of her and you would have taken them all if it were anyone else, but you never laid a hand on Emma. And you might think we've forgotten already, but Snow and I remember how you saved her life even though you could have easily said that there was nothing you could do. Know why I think that is? Because you love her and you're too busy playing Monopoly with us to come out and say it. You saved her and you smiled and you welcomed her back because you love her.
She-who-must-not-be-named: I did no such thing.
Unknown ID: Emma's saved your life how many times now? Why would she do that, I wonder? Think about it; wouldn't it be so much easier if she just left you in the town hall the night of the fire, or if she let the Qui Shen get you one of those times? No one would blame her under the circumstances. She would have her son. Hell, I don't understand how she even managed to save your skin that many times when her own life was at stake. Other people probably couldn't find the strength to act that fast for people they love. It's like she, I don't know, cares a whole lot or something! She keeps saying it's for Henry. Everything that she does that is somehow beneficial for you is always for Henry, have you noticed that? It's bullshit. She wanted you at that party. She and Henry both. Nobody missed you there, but she fought for you then too.
She-who-must-not-be-named: She did?
Unknown ID: Yes. And don't think I don't realize what you're capable of. I don't doubt you could think of many ways to misuse this information to hurt Emma further. And I think you will. But I know that if Emma were in my place, she would do the same thing, like she always has when it came to you. You wanted to give yourself a fresh start before all hell broke loose and I hope that motive still stands. All I ask is that before you do something stupid, consider the consequences. Think about where you'll be putting yourself. Ask yourself how many more years you want to spend in blatant hatred of everyone before you let him go and move on to what you feel now. Just to be clear, I'm doing this for Emma, not you, and if you decide you want to ignore me then so be it. But remember that she is my friend and if any harm comes to her because of this conversation, I will personally make sure you never lay your eyes on her again. I'm giving you this one and only chance, Regina. Don't fuck it up because with Emma, there will be no other time. I'm going to call her now and I'm going to tell her what I've just told you, and you will deal with it like grownups. Is that clear?
She-who-must-not-be-named: Well then, I'll take your insight into account.
Unknown ID: Pleasure negotiating with you, Madam.
Caller ID: Rubes
Caller No.: 207-566-9371
Recipient ID: Lemmur
Recipient No.: 207-412-1979
Time of call: 3:59PM 1/30/2013
Call length: 4m 11s
Lemmur: Rubes, this really isn't the right time—
Rubes: Are you at the diner?
Lemmur: Yes, I am.
Rubes: Is the Mother of All Evil with you?
Lemmur: Yes, she is.
Rubes: Wow, I expected at least one of you to lie to me. Coolbeans. Anyway, that person that just got off the phone with her, that was me. And there's really no gentle way to break this to you, so I'm just gonna say it because apparently I've got more guts than the two of you combined: she loves you.
Lemmur: What the hell are you talking about? Are you high?
Rubes: No, listen to me! She's in love with you, I got her to indirectly admit as much, and I know you're in love with her too, otherwise neither of you would be where you are right now!
Lemmur: That's just bullshit, Rubes.
Rubes: No, the bullshit part is that you're so terrified of someone wanting you for one moment that you're letting this entire affair go straight over your head! Well guess what, I'm fixing that shit. Look, you're scared, I get it. You don't want to commit, that much we've already established. Hell, I'd be flipping out if I fell for the Evil Queen, of all people, too. And I'm judging you so hard right now, but that changes nothing about the fact that she just might deserve you, maybe. She's trying, if nothing else. When you were gone, who do you think kept reassuring Henry that you'd be back home soon? Who do you think was the one to hesitate when they didn't know if it would be Cora or you and Snow coming out of that portal, Rumpel or her? I heard her, you know. I heard her yell at him that you're the Savior and you'll find a way when no one else was there. She was desperate because of you. She's tried to change for Henry, yeah, but for you just as much.
Lemmur: Like hell she did. In what universe am I worthy of that honor?
Rubes: In all of them! Can't you see? Even though she had trouble with Henry, she saw no reason to stop doing what she does, or did, before you came along. You started this. No one else, you! I just told her that you love her over the phone and she did not deny it. She denied other things, but she didn't deny she loves you back!
Lemmur: You what? If this is one of your practical jokes, I will end you.
Rubes: For god's sake, do I need to write a How to Deal with Charmings handbook? I'm a pro, you know, but you can still get on my nerves. No practical jokes, I promise. I just want you to stop drowning Storybrooke in your unresolved sexual tension and be happy and Regina can… do… that.
Lemmur: You're wrong.
Rubes: Oh am I? Okay, then if you hate her so much like you claim to, why did you punch Whale in the face yesterday when he said he bet he was the only guy who hadn't bent Regina over a desk?
Lemmur: I just did that because I'm allergic to stupidity. It had nothing to do with the—
Rubes: Fact that you love her?
Lemmur: That's not what I was about to say! You can't be—
Rubes: I can, and I am. I'm tired of you breaking things after every fight you two have. Do you know how many of our glasses you've broken so far? I keep count, and do you know how many? FIFTEEN! Not that I blame you, and I know you always make up for it, but fifteen, Emma! I'm tired of you walking around with a stormy cloud above your head every time you happen to catch a glimpse of her with Sidney or Archie! Speaking of which, Archie is tired of Regina wailing because of something you—oooh I shouldn't have said that. I really shouldn't have—
Rubes: (incoherent curses) I know nothing, I've been told nothing, this was my idea entirely! Anyway, my point is, even though she drives you nuts, she cares about you. She had someone when she was young. He's been… gone for many years now, until recently, but that's a different story altogether. She'll explain that to you when she's ready, maybe. It's ancient history that's left some scars. The thing is, she's just scared you'll leave. So don't, it's as simple as that.
Lemmur: Really? But she's—
Rubes: You have to start somewhere. And Regina probably isn't the best person to put your trust in at first, but what the hell, she's in the very same position you are. You're the one who broke her curse! You're the hailed Savior! Of course she's terrified of you. You don't get a more common ground than that. Just try, Emma. Henry will have a complete family, just like you wanted, too. Look, I can't promise it won't hurt. It probably will at first. It will probably hurt a lot. But you know what else hurt in the beginning? When Snow met your dad, or when Nova met Dreamy. That's just how it goes sometimes. It hurts, but I promise it will never hurt too much, okay? And know that I'll always be at your disposal if you ever decide to kick her ass and bury her in the backyard.
Lemmur: Okay. Thanks, Ruby.
Caller ID: Ruby
Caller No.: 207-566-9371
Recipient ID: Gran
Recipient No.: 207-350-2025
Time of call: 4:05PM 1/30/2013
Call length: 54s
Ruby: So? So?
Gran: They're kissing.
Ruby: They're kissing. They're kissing! THEY'RE KISSSIIIIIIIINGGG!
Ruby: (incoherent squeals)
Ruby: I am a genius!
Ruby: I should so get a raise for this.
Ruby: Fifteen glasses!
Gran: Fine, maybe a little. Oh god, now Grumpy's taking pictures. At my diner. He's probably posting them on Twitter. You've made it worse!
Ruby: NO! Keep them there for five minutes! I HAVE TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO INSTAGRAM THIS!